I don't think this is a HUGE issue, but it just annoys me to death, so here goes... I am one of 5 children that my parents had. All 5 are girls, ranging in age from 23 to 9. My parents are very content with this and have never expressed a desire to have it any other way. So then, it really gets under my skin when people, both those we know and even strangers(!) will see our family together and say things like "Oh, that's a shame," or "Guess you had to stop trying, huh?" EVERYONE (it feels like) seems shocked that my boy-less parents are very ok with the fact that they have no son. It seems especially shocking that my father (who is a hunting, fishing, gun-owning Republican type) is very ok with this fact and is proud to have 5 daughters. And why the heck is that?!
Some people say, "the family name will die now." So what? According to my dad, we come from a long line of "jailbirds, stool pigeons and cuckoo birds." So, saving our good name isn't exactly a priority. A lot of people (women too!) seem to just assume that EVERYONE wants a little boy and tries to have one. Maybe it is because of our Christianity, but my parents always told us that we were blessings and gender never entered into it. My parents never actively WANTED either gender - they wanted whatever they believed they were going to be blessed with, and I have never heard a word to the contrary. And really, who cares? My sisters and I have done pretty much everything a little boy would have done - played outside, played with trucks, used tools, played sports - everything! So what is it with the mentality, it seems, that all couples with all-girl children MUST have wanted a son and just got screwed? Why is it weird to be a part of all-girl siblings? Maybe I am over-analyzing this, but I think I might be interesting.
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People are always obsessed with the "family name". But a name is no good if there isn't a positive association with it. There are a lot of people in history whose names will be forever embedded in our minds, but no one would want to share that name with them! What really matters is what you do with your life, because even if you end up with a different last name, you'll still be your parents' daughter. And who says a daughter can't carry on the name, huh?
i'm the oldest of three girls and my parents get that ALL of the time! the funny thing is, when i mention that i want to hyphenate my last name to keep my "maiden" (sorry. no damsel in distress here) name, i get attacked for not wanting to take my significant other's name!
I think it is just a packaged response, because people assume that parents want a mix of boys and girls.
My mother had four sons. Other parents commisserated with her about all the damage we must have caused to the house (how did they know?!?)
I've seen similar responses to people who have four or five boys. People may just assume that people wanted at least one of each gender -- so as to look more like the stereotypical 1950's picket-fence, 2.5 kids, two-car garage and a dog.
kbz
I'm from a family of five girls also, my parents were divorced and both my new families proceeded to have "just girls". I definitely think my dad was trying for a boy, especially for the reason of "keeping the family name"--his sister didn't keep her last name when she married, his brother (killed in Vietnam) only had a daughter. The "family name" pretty much ends unless one of us decides to have kids and keep the name when/if we have kids. My dad has brought it up to me in the past (when i was sixteen he asked why I wasn't a parent yet, because he wanted to be a grandfather).
The other thing I hear from having all girls in my family is a lot of sympathy directed at my dad ("I bet you can never get in the bathroom" "That's a lot of girls to buy things for", "That's a lot of hormones to deal with", etc) in addition to the "I bet you wanted a boy" statements.
I'm pregnant with my first, a boy, and I get "oh you must be thrilled" and "thats great" etc. I want to ask them " would it not be great if I were having a girl?" I could care less what gender my child (children) end up being.
I agree with the posters above who said that this is a packaged response because people usually express a desire to have both male and female children.
My parents just had me and my sister and that's all, and people they meet always say things along the lines of "how nice. you have a girl and a boy. no wonder you stopped" , or something along those lines.
It's one thing to say something along the lines of "What a shame you didn't get both genders in your family." It's another thing for people to tell me (the youngest of three sisters) how sorry they feel for my dad. Or, even worse, make jokes about how he's less of a man 'cause he can only produce girls. Fuck that shit.
becca - I think people respond with happiness and congrats when you find out the sex either way. My cousin and his wife got happy responses when they found out they were having a girl.
I once asked my mom what she'd have done if I'd have been a boy, and her response was "then I'd have 2 boys." Some people want to go until they have both, some people want a certain amount of kids regardless of gender.
It's sick that others think they can comment on your family structure and your parents' decisions.
I haven't really noticed an appreciable difference in the amount of sympathy given to a father of 5 girls over a mother of 5 boys. Generally speaking, a father of five girls is going to be fully outnumbered for the entirety of his life -- likewise for a mother of five boys. They're each going to have to adapt A LOT to being awash in the opposite gender, and they'll probably always be outvoted on movie choices, outing destinations, vacation spots, etc.
I see no particular problem with humorous "sympathy" for parents of four or five opposite-gendered children. This isn't usually ACTUAL sympathy ... its a joke, and a joke that the parent usually "gets".
kbz
Statistically speaking, parents of two children of the same gender are more likely to have a third child than parents of a boy and a girl. It doesn't matter if they have two boys or two girls, in either case, they are equally likely to have a third child, trying for the missing gender.
I know families who tried, and it's unfortunate, really. My ex's parents are divorced, with two daughters together. Her father didn't remarry, and he raised the girls on his own, basically. Their mother remarried, to a man with one daughter of his own. They proceeded to have another, at this moment, four daughters. Last I heard, they're still considering trying again for a son.
They have a big farm out in the middle of nowhere, they want someone to pass it on to, and, apparently, this, for them, means a son. As if they didn't have a whole spread of daughters to choose from.
Their second-from-youngest is a cute little kid, she runs around and loves being on the farm, and helping her parents to do anything she possibly can on it. It's tragic to me that, even as much interest as she shows at this young age, the idea of legacy is still wrapped up in their minds with a son, and, for some reason, their little girl can't grow up to be their big strong farmer scion.
It's bad enough to try to force a role on your child. Even if they have a son, his dreams won't necessarily be in farming, he may want to be a doctor or a soldier, a nurse, a teacher, one of a million other options. But denying their daughter a dream, or even, at this point, an interest (her age is still a single digit)... it just makes it completely unacceptable.
I've run into this one myself--I'm the oldest of three sisters. The middle sister (Jenna*) and I are my parents' biological children, the youngest (Catherine*) is adopted.
Now, my dad is a very self-deprecating guy. He is always making fun of himself for being stupid, or ugly, or fat, when he is none of these things. He also makes fun of himself for "living with four women" (even though as Jenna and I are both currently in college, he technically only lives with two now).
However...
When my parents decided to adopt, they chose international adoption, and the country they chose to adopt from was China. The vast vast majority of adoptable children in China are female. So if my dad seriously wanted a boy, my parents could've gone to Russia or Romania or another country where the pool of adoptable children is roughly 50/50, or they could've done a domestic adoption...also 50/50. They could've said, "we want a boy." Nope. China.
Which makes me think that my dad's lamentations are for humor alone...sure he would've loved a son, but he's just as happy with us girls.
And I think that there are a lot of men today who think similarly--personally, when I've thought ahead to my "hypothetical children of the future," I've always said, "I don't care if I have boys or girls, I just want healthy happy children." The people who say, "oh, it's so sad, don't you want a boy?"...well, I think they're playing up to outdated ideas. I think they're not being very logical, and I'm guessing that if any of them actually have children, they'd see how wrongheaded they are--boys can be just as gentle as girls can be just as tough as boys.