Someone very close to me had just found out she is pregnant. I’m the first person that she came too, and I hope that I conveyed the message that whatever she chooses is okay and that she is supported and unconditionally loved no matter what her decision. She told me she didn’t even know where to start, so I took her to Planned Parenthood to talk to the knowledgeable people there.
I know she is scared to death right now. I know she feels alone in her experience. What I would like to give her is hopefully some advice, support, etc. from the feminists here who have gone through a similar situation. I honestly think she knows what she is going to choose, but she is scared of the choice. I want her to feel secure in her decision because I love her so very much.
So what would you like to tell someone in this situation? What would you have liked someone to tell you in this situation?
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The best thing that I experienced was the people around me telling me that ultimately the choice was mine, and that they would support whatever choice that was. Support afterwards was sooo important as well. Just having someone say 'you can talk to me about this whenever' and then actually following through on that promise was so great for me. There's a lot to talk through even afterwards no matter what your decision is, and having someone you can call at 2 in the morning and just vent is really helpful.
She's lucky to have a supportive friend, and I wish her the best.
What I told several friends in that same situation: "I love you, and I want you to know that whatever you decide is best for you, I will be there for you and support your decision."
With my friend, she had chosen to abort and told her sister, thinking she could trust her. Her sister told the whole family and they ganged up on her in one big "Don't kill your baby!" fest.
When she came to me she was nearly hysterical, and I sat her down and held her and told her, "You're the one who will have to live with and take care of this child if you have it, not them. They have no right to pile on you like that. It is your decision and your decision alone. And if they don't like it, they can fuck right off. I'm here for you whatever you decide."
That's essentially it. You may also want to point her at the "I'm not sorry" site (I can't remember the URL) where women semi-anonymously leave their stories about how and why they chose to abort, and the fact that they don't regret it.
Last year my horrible, terrible, awful, really bad roommate had an unplanned pregnancy and I was one of the first people she told (this was before it turned out she was stealing my soap, using my towels, and generally disregarding my stuff). I told her that what she did was entirely up to her and that if she needed support I was there for her. The entire situation kinda flipped me out, made me think about what I would do in that situation... of course, I don't really have a choice because carrying a child to term would risk paralysis because of my back problems.
I would tell you friend that she is strong enough to make whatever decision she has to make. If she is at all religious or spiritual, life cannot be stopped -- the being that is beginning in her will manifest elsewhere and live better. Perhaps one day when she is ready that same life will gift her again.
GeekGirlsRule: http://www.imnotsorry.net/
Just... be careful, that if she decides not to get an abortion, or if she's already decided not to, you don't suggest it or push the issue. I find that happens a lot, though not as much as the reverse of course, and when a woman has already decided that she wants the baby few things are more hurtful than hearing all about how she won't regret an abortion and it would be the best thing for her. She needs a great deal of support for any outcome, even if it's one you wouldn't have chosen for her or for yourself.
1- If I'm close to her I would give her advice as a friend knowing her life situation (is she in a position where she could raise a child? is this going to hurt her,...) these are issues that you can talk about only because you are her close friend, a stranger could not tell if having a baby will destroy her life or not, but you can give her your honest opinion.
2- I wouldn't say "I love you no matter what" I think that implies that there is a "worse" choice and despite her making that choice she is still accepted. Instead I would tell her that this is something that is happening to HER BODY. and she is the master of her own body. I think I would try to make her understand that she has ABSOLUTE and UNQUESTIONABLE power in this situation. And that it's her and only her right to decide what she would like for herself.
3- I would also talk to her about how she feels about the situation from the aspect of the culture. Because in this culture you are told that abortion is killing a baby. If she feels that way, then you might want to talk to her about why this is not true, and especially not even remotely close to truth in an earlier term abortion.
4- I would encourage her to talk to a doctor about the effects of abortion, and the effects of pregnancy on her body. This is what I would want to know first and foremost if this happened to me. I would also try to debunk the non-scientific claims of how abortion is bad for your health (things like depression, etc, which are not just associated with abortions, but also with delivering a baby).
and of course I would help her go through the pregnancy if she decides to carry the pregnancy to term.
I think you did great telling her that you support her unconditionally. Some people think they need to let their own opinions on what is right or wrong be heard in that situation, and it is really not the right time.
Here is a helpful booklet called Pregnancy options from the Feminist Women's Health Center. That website is a wonderful resource about abortion and birth control, too.
I was pregnant when I was a freshman in college.
I come from a very strictly anti-abortion family. My father was co-founder and chairman of the board for a crisis pregnancy care center - one which encouraged young women to keep their children, and had the pictures of bloody fetuses to shame or guilt them out of having abortions.
My aunt, on the other hand, was extremely pro-abortion. To the point where she was harrassing my parents and screaming at them for "forcing me to not get an abortion", while at the same time very nicely telling me she would pay for me to come down to Miami and get an abortion.
Fortunately, my parents were incredibly supportive of me, and both my mother and father reassured me that no matter what I chose, they would still love me. I also had very supportive friends, who took good care of me. I ultimately chose to carry my child to term and give him up for adoption - which ended up being a great choice for me, and has resulted in my family having a wonderful relationship with the adoptive family.
I don't think there could have been a better decision, for me. Before it ever happened, I didn't know what I believed about the issue, except that I didn't personally want an abortion. After feeling what it was like, I am very firm in my resolve that every woman should be able to make whatever choice is correct for her - because anything else will be difficult for that woman to live with.
But my biggest criticism of both parties - pro-life and pro-choice - is that neither explains ALL of the choices. Adoption is still a very real, very good choice, and I have never understood why it isn't presented as another alternative. You don't have to just drop your baby off in a salvation army drop box and never see it again - there's all sorts of different types of adoptions, for whatever level of contact you're comfortable with.
About five years after the birth of my son, a good friend of mine became pregnant. She came to me, because I have been through it before. I told her first that I would love her no matter what. I did not ever lead her or push one viewpoint or another. Whenever she asked my opinion, I told her the pros and cons of ALL of the choices, and then asked her what her opinion was and how she felt about all of those things. And she made her own choice, given all of the facts.
That's all you can offer. Unlimited support, unbiased information, a shoulder to cry on, and an understanding that NO decision is a "good" one in some situations - but that you should be proud of being able to make the decision no matter how it turns out.