After a delightful afternoon with Pea, I came home to find this thread being hijacked by a pro-forced-pregnancy troll. My response to RM, and to every person who wants to outlaw abortion, is posted there and also on my own blog (where I also posted this).
I have twice made the decision to abort.
The first time, I wasn't serious with the guy. He was physically attractive but emotionally distant. Still, we talked beforehand about what would happen if I were to get pregnant accidentally and agreed without hesitation that I wouldn't keep it. We used condoms; I was on the pill. A few weeks before I was supposed to fly to another country for a three week vacation, the condom broke. I immediately got Plan B from Planned Parenthood (it wasn't over-the-counter then) and took it, but my period didn't come for an entire month. I was convinced I was pregnant. When I returned from overseas, I asked him what he had done while I was gone. He responded, "Watched porn."
I laughed. He didn't. I was very glad that we had already agreed on abortion.
And then my period finally returned. I wasn't pregnant after all. When we "broke up", he said as many hateful things to me as he could, threw as many darts as he could. It just made me more happy that I hadn't been pregnant but had had the option of abortion should it have come to that.
The second time, I honestly thought I was in love. A close friend had just died suddenly. At his impromptu wake, I met B*. He was cute, funny, attractive. I felt as though I could really talk to him, really tell him what I felt and thought.
The condom broke again. Again, I took Plan B as soon as possible. But this time, I felt an incredible confusion of feelings. The possibility of being pregnant felt incredible, like the entire universe had just opened itself to me and poured in all of its light. I would lie in bed at night, strung between stars and the earth, aware more than I had ever been before of how interconnected and amazing all life is.
But the dark cloud in my sunny day was reality. I was on my own, no helpful family members that I knew of or was willing to turn so shame-facedly to. Though I still spoke to my father then, I knew I would find no shelter under the canopy of his gambling addiction, and my mother couldn't have helped me if she wanted to. My grandmother had made it clear that she didn't approve of sex outside of marriage (I realize now that she would have considered helping me far more important than any moral or legal considerations, but I didn't know that then) and I couldn't bear the thought of burdening those few family members who would have helped me, who had less money than I did.
Money was the biggest issue. I didn't have much. My job didn't provide health benefits or maternal leave - both of which I knew I would need if I continued the pregnancy. The company was far too small, and the job had so many details, it took months to learn; if they hired someone to cover for me, they would have to be hiring someone to replace me. There was no question of how they would react - they were like family and I knew they would support me - but they had to think about money too. And then, once the child was born, who would watch it while I was at work? How would I afford daycare? Where would I find daycare? What if the only daycare I could afford was out in the sticks, off of a bus route (I had no car), not open all of the slightly peculiar hours that I worked?
B was no help either. He was homeless, still sleeping on other people's couches while waiting for a place that he could afford to open up. He had just gotten a job, but frequently skipped it for frivolous reasons (and ended up losing it just a few weeks later because of this). He was an alcoholic, too, who frequently flew into blind rages when someone so much as looked at me when he was drunk, so that there were many times I stepped in between him and someone else because I knew that was the only way to diffuse a situation; he wouldn't risk hitting me. His family was more messed up than he was, the ones that I actually knew about. His father, also an alcoholic, lived on a reservation. I knew reservations and would never want a child to grow up in one if I could help it. His sister dealt with the same basic economic situation I was facing, the same bleak by-the-teeth life I was facing with an unexpected pregnancy, except she'd found a man to help with the rent who liked to scream at her oldest daughter constantly.
I had no alternative that I could see. Though I desperately wanted to keep it, I didn't see how I could provide it the kind of life that I believe a child needs.
This time, my decision wasn't respected. The nasty things that came out of B's mouth, his claim that it was his child, were disgusting. I told him it was my body that would have to do all the work and I was not about to let him try to guilt or scare me into carrying it to term. His complete lack of compassion for anything I was feeling, his refusal to listen to my love for it or my heart-broken logic, made me realize that I couldn't actually trust him, that he was more interested in his possible offspring than in the woman he purported to love. That my decision revealed this to me before I became ensnared with this man for the rest of my life meant that I was, again, grateful to have this choice, even if I ultimately didn't want to have to make it.
I was incredibly lucky to again discover that I wasn't pregnant at all.
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Wow, this is amazing. Isn't it weird how something that isn't true but is scary and incredible can teach you as much as if it were true in the first place? I had this happen to me - not with pregnancy, but illness. I once had a scare that I was seriously ill - turned out I wasn't. But it still made me a stronger person.
Thank you for writing this. Pro-birthers need to realize that there is more to the equation than the potential for life of a fetus, and that wanting to provide a good life for yourself and any potential children you may or may not have is anything but selfish.
Your story is common to many. I am 56 and have had 3 abortions when I was in my 20's. EAch time, I was so relieved...and thankful. it was the most terrible and heavy nightmare to think I would have a child I couldn't care for. I am not sorry... I have two grown daughters. I suggest that until it is not so shameful to tell that we have had a pregnancy terminated, nothing will shift on this dialogue.
I also urge young women who are faced with this dilemma NOT to tell the guy you might be pregnant unless you really want to make a life with him. If you decide to abort, remember that it is your decision and your body. Very few people are truly supportive of any women who abort, even though they may support the right to do so.
so sad.
Thank you for this post. Twice I have had a conversation with a boyfriend about what would happen if I was pregnant, both times the boy completely freaked out at the thought that I could have the power to make them daddies before they were ready.
The first time, I had forgotten to start a new pack of pills on the right day. I'm from the UK but was living in the States for a little while with the boy. In the UK, I knew I would be able to get emergency contraception over the counter at the pharmacists, just going right in and asking for it (although you can also get a prescription from the doctor). So I thought it'd be the same in the States - I went to the Pharmacy, but they looked at me blankly, before telling me I'd have go to the hospital, where I'd likely sit in line for 6 hours before being charged monstrous amounts both for the appointment and for the prescription. I decided to risk it. I flew back to the UK a few days later and went to the women's clinic at my local hospital (for free) where they said don't worry because my pills were strong enough to cover the few missed days. I had known without a doubt that I would be strong enough to go through with an abortion if it came to that, but it didn't stop the boy being totally freaked and it put a strain on an already dying relationship. I was 23, he was 29. I couldn't be trusted to sort out my own body and to deal with our joint consequences of sex.
The next time this conversation came up was earlier this year with, coincidentally or not, another American boy. This time there were no panicky thoughts about missed pills or split condoms, but he asked what if - and I told him I wouldn't keep it. I'm still not in the right place in my life to have a child. I don't know if I ever will be. He made a 'joke' about pushing me down the stairs if it came needing to get rid of a pregnancy. Um, yeah. Very mature. (He's 25.) I've kicked him into touch but this was pretty typical of his childish attitude. He later told me when he was in high school his gf had to have an abortion, so I would've expected a bit more responsibility from him, having experienced what could happen.
So, guilt trips and threats of violence from men scared of the consequences of sex. *headdesk*
Thank you for sharing. Very powerful.
I have a friend who is pro-life--that is, until she thought she might be pregnant. She had just started a new pack of birth control pills and had used condoms and everything. But somehow, she psyched herself out over an extremely light period and started having pregnancy related symptoms.
Even though I assured her that she couldn't possibly have gotten pregnant from hearing all the details (although to be 100% sure, to take the test), she was already thinking about all of the what ifs.
And of course, now abortion came up as an option. Now interestingly in the country where we live, RU486 isn't available, so if she wanted it she'd have to hop on a train. Of course with her coming from a comfortable, privileged middle-class back ground, an hour train ride was completely in reach.
Anyway, she turned out to be not pregnant, but I think it was a wake-up call for her own beliefs.
Anyway, I really wonder what percent of "lifers" when actually faced with an actual choice (even before they know they are pregnant) are grateful that they at least have the option to consider an abortion?
And Joanne brought up another very interesting point. In my youth I was with a boy, who also threatened the old kick in the stomach in the event he got "a hypothetical girl" pregnant and she didn't want to abort the kid. Yes, I broke up with him soon after.
I'm quite sure that if abortion were not available, many more males will feel perfectly in the right to take matters into their own hands. We've witnessed the murder of pregnant women time and time again by men unhappy with woman's choice to keep the child.
Women women are deprived of choices, rarely do men compensate with changes in their sexual behaviors. And when men feel deprived of choices, what do they advocate?
Some MRAs argue that a man should have the right to force a woman to have an abortion. As we've heard here, less sophisticated males may quietly agree that a push down some stair or a kick in the stomach will do.
These are scary times.
I have never commented on a post before, until now.
Something very similar happened to me, and I was actually pregnant. My entire family had deserted me years before when I left their religion, and my bf was the only family I had. He treated me like garbage for deciding to abort, yet left me and refused to make me a part of his family - even threatened to quit his job if I ever filed for child support. Unfortunately, I have not found the strength to leave him even though I ended my pregnancy almost 2 years ago, but I am glad I had the option. I desperately wanted to be a mother, but knew it could not work.
Thank you for sharing your story.