I've noticed in my own life that as an outspoken feminist activist on campus, issues like the one you described are important because it is such a passionate issue. I have friends with different beliefs, but I've noticed that with those who are anti-choice and/or against gay rights, we have to make an effort to not offend each other, which has created distance. And then there are awkward times when they read a column of mine that they disagree with, or they run into me protesting something that support. Best of luck wit the situation! I certainly know how tough it can be.

Actually, one of my closest female friends is a great supporter of the Bush administration, a nationalist who talks about how good it would be to die as a martyr for the country. She gets shouted down whenever we talk politics since everyone else is Obama-supporting and left-wing. However, she clearly believes in women's rights and is quite fiercely feminist and pro-choice. It can be hard to reconcile one part of her personality with the other - that is, her great love for Bush and McCain, who she adores, and the nationalism, with how I feel about the rest of her. But anti-choice, anti-feminist friends, I really find there's no way around it. We can go and have a good time, but until they start respecting me and my sex as human beings, we can't be as close as we'd like.

Nettle Syrup - I'm kind of the same way. I have a loved cousin who was really pro-Bush in 2004 and does think the war was a good idea, though he doesn't share Bush's views on social issues, and now is even more pro-Obama. It's what you said, and also it's that while I don't agree with the war and I think it was really dumb, I see both sides' positions as defensible if not actually right. But anti-choice and anti-gay positions are just not defensible.

(By the way, my cousin agrees that Bush really messed up the economy.)

Re OP: I think that kind of relationship can work if both people will agree to stay off the issues a little when they're together. Maybe you can find someone who shares your views to vent to? I know it's hard, if he's your best friend.

It doesn't really matter where we draw the line, the question is where do YOU draw the line? If you two aren't comfortable being friends because these issues keep getting in the way, you will probably drift away. But if part of you thinks you *shouldn't* be friends, like it isn't feminist or something like that, you shouldn't worry about that. I think it is good to be friends with people who don't agree with you, if you can, although it may mean not getting into heated discussions, or if you do, always remembering when you go into it that you won't change the other's mind, and then always remembering when you come out of it how much you care about the other person. It's possible. I have some very good friends who listen to and adore Rush Limbaugh. We argue all the time, but we end it knowing we don't think less of each other, and we both know the other is wrong.

So if you are hoping that you won't be a traitor by remaining friends, don't worry. Of course, if you just can't stand him, you also have permission (which you certainly don't need from me or anyone else) to end the friendship. He sounds nice, though. If you like him, keep him.

You don't have to validate Birth Control with other reasons to use it. It is valid as birth control and any pharmacist who does not distribute it should be fired, fined, outed as a sexist ass.

Not all friends are really, really good friends. Some are more like acquaintances. Not all friends would drive you across a border to help you get a safe,legal abortion, but, those who would are priceless.

In regards to your question:

"The problem is this: can I be as close to him as I want?"

Of course you can. A lot of religious people are genuinely good people who believe that you can love the sinner and hate the sin.

The problem are when you have religious people that hater the sinner.

So ya disagree. Fine. Life happens.

Just tell ol' boy that when pharmacist lie they are breaking one of the 10 commandment of the Lord who art in Heaven, and lying is never ok.

And once you develop that crack you keep on working it. Just how godly can these liars be?

I don't know about anyone else here but I cringe when I think about some of the prejudiced and awful things I believed as a freshman. Thank-goodness I had prolonged exposure to sound rational people and eventually some of what they were saying sunk in. Mama Mia has a point, it's good to have people you don't agree with around, it keeps both parties sensible.
In terms of whether you guys should stay friends, what either of you believes is irrelevant. The important questions are, a) do you care about him and enjoy his company? b) Does he care about you and enjoy your company? If the answer to those two questions is 'yes,' then stay friends.

You draw the line when (if ever) you feel you have to. Some people can disagree about important things and stay close, and with others it turns out to not be worth the effort. My advice is to continue being friends with him until you feel the bad is outweighing the good, and hopefully that never happens.

Depends on how close to him you want to be. If you want an entertainment based friendship with music and movies all will be fine. If you're looking for someone to have long and comfortable political conversations with, then no, you'll never be that close. You can have political conversation alright, but as long as he considers you to have fewer rights and less freedom because of your gender you'll always end up being as frustrated as you were this time. Is that something you can live with? You don't sound like it.

To my ears (or is it eyes, since it's in writing?) it seems like you're wanting the friendship to be closer even though you know it'd take a 180 degree turn-around on his part for it to happen. I think you actually do know that it's not gonna happen, but perhaps you're not quite ready to let go of the hope that he might change his mind.

Anyway, that's just what it sounded like on my end. In the end it's your decision, and you're the only one who knows what you can live with - even though he might think his gender knows best how yours ought to live, think and feel. Listen to your own heart and then make the decision that feels right for you. And don't worry, the decision that is right for you today and tomorrow may not be the right one in 4 years, but that's okay - people change and that includes you. And by that I mean: If you can accept it now, it is not a binding commitment, so if it makes you unhappy later on, you're not obliged to withdraw your friendship if you can no longer live with it ;)

I go through the same thing every time I come home--my parents are serious republicans, and politics always seem to bubble up, especially between me & my mom. normally what happens is I find a way to end the conversation--sometimes changing the subject works, inserting a joke, or completely leaving the room.

I don't like talking politics with my mom because she becomes too emotional. but I've found a happy medium with my dad--when we are face-to-face, we don't talk about it, but we e-mail back and forth until one of us gives up on the other. it's actually kind of fun now, but I totally understand what it feels like to disagree with someone you're close with.

you should figure out what kind of relationship you want with your friend--if he's open-minded, continue to talk about women's issues/politics with him. but if either one of you gets too upset about it, then leave it out of your relationship. you can still be close and have fun with him even if you don't share his views.

what's good about talking to people who disagree with you is that you learn how to defend your beliefs. that's what I've learned from my parents, and I think I've made my dad a little more aware of women's issues, too.

and so if you want to make your friend "a little more aware" but don't like talking about it face-to-face, start a blog and invite him to read it. good luck.

grumpgirl.blogspot.com

I'm also in college, though I'm a junior, and I too have several friends (a couple of them close) that are Republicans. We disagree on many issues, obviously, but the key here is personal respect.

Calvin and I work on the agreement, though unspoken and sometimes broken, that we listen to what the other has to say, and try to see things from the other's perspective. We both believe that, hey, we're in college, we're supposed to have discussions, and we're supposed to be open and try to learn things from these discussions. I've learned a lot about rural life from him, and he's learned a lot about urban life from me, and how these things influence our political opinions.

A couple of weeks ago we had a four-hour political discussion in the campus dining hall, and by the end we were yelling over one another, but we're still friends. He thinks he knows all because he's a historian, and I tell him I know better because I'm a political scientist. We try to stop and back off if we're upsetting one another, and change the subject when things get too heated.

I've discovered putting certain subjects off-limits does no good for friendships, and arguing with friends you disagree with is the best way to improve your debating skills. Try to frame things in a personal perspective for him. Framing how these things will hurt you, who he cares about, may make him think twice about his opinions. It will probably not change them, but may make them less extreme.

This can be so hard. I've found that if a friend has sexist/anti-feminist beliefs, we can't be friends on more than a superficial level. I always end up feeling more and more disrespected and even dehumanized by their beliefs, whether they're vocal about them or not - it usually comes out somehow. It's really not worth it for me to feel that way.

That said, if you still like being around him, that's awesome. It's good to argue with people you disagree with because it helps you strengthen your arguments and fully explore issues. And since you're an intelligent, passionate feminist, you could probably have influence on the way he sees things.

Just do whatever works for you, and don't feel guilty either way.

I was watching today's friday feminist "fuck you", one of my favorite features on feministing. (holy repetition Batman!)

That's not repetition, that's alliteration. And alliteration is a great thing.