I struggle constantly for authenticity in my life. I believe I can achieve it. I ache for an authentic equality in my relationship, an authentic sexuality, authentic hungers, authentic spirituality, and a personal authentic style. I strive to be true to myself, authentic at my core, not just unique in vanity. I yearn for what is best for me, for my life, at this very moment.
I need to do what is best by my own standards. I don’t need to be the best. I don’t need to carry everyone else’s weight on my own shoulders. I don’t need unnecessary burdens. I need my health, I need the love in my heart, I need support.
I need authenticity.
I have not been true to myself. I have not put myself first. I have been selfless, which is different that unselfish. I have not even counted my self as a being. I must take a step back. I must struggle to find my authentic voice once again. I must purge jealousy and guilt in order to see myself as an equal player once again.
I will find my voice. I will reclaim my voice. I will use my voice. I will relax. I will speak up. I will not be cut-throat. I will love. I will relax. I will not let myself stress. I will be true. I will speak truth. I will relax. I will take what I need and give what I can. I will ask for help. I will ask questions. I will relax. I will find beauty. I will seek honesty. I will rejuvenate. I will focus on my own authentic needs. And I will relax.
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I really enjoyed reading this. You will find solace. :)
one thing I do is listen to myself. not the internal voice, not the constant chatter in my head, i mean the stuff that comes out of my mouth. I catch myself when I'm about to apologize for something- (wait why am I apologizing?) Or when I lie. (Why do I feel the need to lie?) Or when I try to say something to please someone. (What compels me to say that?) The other day I caught myself censoring the word abortion while talking politics to my mother. (Because I can't say the word abortion in front of her? What is that about?) We always listen to the voice inside our head, but do we listen to the voice we put out in the world? It's that voice that can stand in the way of authenticity in our relationships with others.