Like many of you, I started a personal anonymous blog to bitch without consequence. And rather than locking it all away in a secret diary, I think hearing other people's opinions could be a good thing.
And I really need some help. I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for over a year, but I am in the battle for the alpha female position in his life. It's not his mom, it's not one of his female friends--it's his sister.
I've posted the long version (part 1 & 2) on Grump Girl, but for those of you with short attention spans (like me), here are the basics:
His relationship with his sister has always been slightly annoying. She calls about three times a day, is subtly possessive when all three of us are in social situations, and is very adamant about him being there when all of our mutual friends hang out. Always. Even on our 1st-yr. anniversary.
So, why the hell did I wait until 2 weeks ago to discuss this with him? Because 1) she's family, and it's very hard to say something negative about family members, and 2) she's bulimic.
For the longest time, I've tried to just deal with it. I didn't even write about it in my secret journal because I felt that damn guilty about being annoyed by her. She has an illness, and so I tried my best to forgive her for it, to just embrace her, to silence my own feelings.
But it's not working anymore, and it's seriously starting to affect our relationship. Today, she called twice before 5 p.m. At 5, we all went to salsa together for an hour (it's a big thing here). Afterward, we all had dinner with some of our other friends, and when we were driving home, she still wanted him to go to Starbucks with her while she studied.
But, be aware that I'm probably making it sound like she's completely incapable of hanging out without him--she has lots of friends (more than I do) and goes out with them frequently, and she also lives with her four bff's fr om high school, one of whom also has an eating disorder. Her parents live five hours away, and she drives by herself to see them at least once a month. She also has a cousin in town, too. And she's in a sorority. So, it's not like he is the only support she has. Far from it.
You must know what's going on by now--her brother (my boyfriend) is her "pseudo-boyfriend." Her "emotional boyfriend." A substitute for something she feels she lacks in her life. And the last time we tried to have sex, she called. Twice. And texted on ce.
I have tried to be as understanding, paitient, "relaxed" about it all as I could, but I really just can't take it anymore. I feel like he has two girlfriends, and it hurts.
I did talk to him about it--twice--even though I didn't really say anything that meaningful the first time. But the second time I did. I said the pseudo-boyfriend thing. And about her calling so much. And about her being as dependent on him emotionally as I am. But I don't think he got it--he told me I needed to understand she has an illness, and I need to look at the "bigger picture." (At this point, I wanted to strangle him--WHY do you think I haven't said a word about it for ONE WHOLE YEAR?)
I know what I need to do--talk to him again, except this time not blubbering, not in a teary mess like I was the first two times. I need to make it clear that it bothers me, and that it's going to keep bothering me unless something changes.
So my question for you this is: If you've ever found yourself in an alpha-female battle (or alpha-male one), what did you do? And even if you haven't, what do you think? And, if you have an eating disorder, did you find yourself extremely dependent upon a person who wasn't your significant other after hospitalization?
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I'm really at a loss concerning what to say. However, I can pitch in on the last question.
I hid it. I told NO ONE for 2-3 years. After I stopped(no hospitalization) it took around a year or so to readily admit I ever had an eating disorder. I'm still very selective about who I'll mention it around. I think socially I isolated myself more while I was struggling with bulimia.
I don't think it's necessarily a pseudo-boyfriend thing: I have a very close brother, and if I had a problem I would definitely go to him with it. However, it's insane that she calls multiple times each day-- I wouldn't stand for that from ANYONE. It would be one thing if she needed someone to talk to about her eating disorder, but needing someone to just be there at a coffee shop while she studies? That's not about needing help, that's needing attention.
This might sound mean, and I obviously don't know any of you, but maybe she just doesn't like you and wants to stand in between you and her brother. If that's the case, either you or your boyfriend need to make her understand that you aren't going away. Whether she likes you or not, you or your boyfriend need to explain to her that you have your own life together and it CAN NOT revolve around her. You, or he, will be there when she needs someone, but you can't be on duty all the time.
I'm really confused... what the heck does her eating disorder have to do with her calling three times a day and monopolizing him?
As someone who has (mostly) recovered from anorexia, I can tell you that is not something that would occur to me to do, not ever. Not even right after I got out of the hospital as an inpatient. Her possessiveness is whole 'nother problem, and for whatever reason her ED is being blamed. (I'm not sure if she's using it as an excuse, or if that's your boyfriend's defense, or if you are trying to be nice because of it. In any case, don't worry about it, it's irrelevant.)
It sounds like you definitely need to have another talk with your boyfriend. Don't give him an ultimatum, but make it clear that what's happening right now is not working for you. He needs to recognize that this is a problem and take steps to fix it.
Good luck dealing with this, keep us posted.
thanks for the feedback...I really appreciate it.
To answer mayfly's question, blaming this possessiveness on her eating disorder has come from a combination of many things:
Part of it has been me trying to be as patient and understanding as possible--I honestly don't think she's trying to break up our relationship, and some consider EDs a mental illness (and I would love to hear more thoughts on this, especially if you have/had an ED). So, I've tried my best to cut her some slack.
But after hearing your comments, I'm starting to think maybe he's using her ED as an excuse to not find her attachment to him excessive. The last time we talked, he just didn't understand why I "cared" about how many times he talked to her in one day.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's ridiculous that she calls him at least twice a day. It's why I decided to post this on a public site--sometimes it's hard to gauge your feelings and to know if you're "overreacting."
Anyway, I will continue to post about it on my blog, grumpgirl.blogspot.com, if anyone is interested.
I have had an eating disorder for 8 years and I am now nearly recovered. There´s still traces of it left in me (i eat strange things/combinations and still have some rules I follow but they don't interfere with my social/academic life; and my selfesteem does not depend anymore on my weight). So maybe I can tell you something about it - although I am the last to imply that everyone with an eating disorder is similar. There are a couple experiences/attitudes quite common among these girls (for they are mostly girls!) and one of them could be huge dependency on others which, however 'abnormal' is may bring certain short term benefits for the two involved.
I have had the same experience with my mother - it evolved into a strange and suffocating symbiotic relationship as my ed progressed. Such a relationship, however, has distinct rewards. The 'patient' gets attention, feels loved and valued (things she cannot feel without this kind of bond), the other can feel indispensable, important (aside from the emotional protectiveness involved!).
I have come to realise that this relationship with my mother is effectively that which took away incentives for me to actively try and get better and feel valued in a different way. My mother was by then incredibly controlling and exhausted, too. What helped me recover, then, was NOT my mother's support but me finding support somewhere else. We agreed to not talk about it for a while - which came down to her not controlling/checking my weight and me not asking for support if I had 'eaten too much' or felt bad about myself or about my body. None of that, none of it at all (of course, problems in other spheres of life could still be discussed). Both of us benefited. I didn't have the attention-incentive anymore and started looking for new directions.
This may sound cruel but I do feel that your boyfriend's sister is using her eating disorder to feel loved, to be able to lay claim on him whenever she wants, etc. ALL eating disorders, I believe, are manifestations of a desire to be loved, if not for who you are, then for who you are going to be (thinner, more attractive, etc). So she does need attention, love - but not in the way she demands it from your boyfriend (although he may feel important and indispensable, like my mum, and that feels good!).
Maybe talk about it with hem and ask him if he doesn't ever get tired of her. If he doesn't feel claimed or imposed upon. Most importantly, does he feel he is doing a great job supporting her? Does he derive a sense of value from it? Is he afraid of what will happen if he does not give her so much time and attention?
And, be honest, and say you have been silent about this for such a long time because you understand the importance of family, etc. You do. But there are boundaries - and perhaps he is not doing her a favor, long-term wise.
Oh and by the way...
ED's are mental illnesses, make no mistake..:) lack of nutrition will make people go mad quite literally - not to mention the psychological hurt/fears/anger that underly much of the eating disorder itself.
There is no reason for her to be calling 3 times a day. If she needs to be babysat, she needs to be calling her parents.
I agree with this poster:
"Maybe talk about it with hem and ask him if he doesn't ever get tired of her. If he doesn't feel claimed or imposed upon. Most importantly, does he feel he is doing a great job supporting her? Does he derive a sense of value from it? Is he afraid of what will happen if he does not give her so much time and attention?"
And honestly, if the calls don't reduce and if you can't be alone with him, then you must leave the relationship. And turn off the phone when you're trying to have sex! There's no answering the phone during sex! LOL
Yeah, I also think the sister is using her disorder to get away with monopolizing him. She might not even know that's what she's doing, but it appears to be what's going on.
you know, i think sometimes siblings can get a little clingy, there are days when my sister calls me a bunch of times and it gets annoying. i can imagine how it can be a strain on you that your boyfriends sister calls him all the time.