This Thanksgiving, as my family sits down to their traditional dead animals, I'll be munching on Tofurky and vegan stuffing. Whatever, I've been a vegetarian for eight years, I'm used to being the odd girl out every fourth Thursday of November. And, just like every Thanksgiving since I stopped eating meat, I know I'm going to get the comments and the jokes, even though it's hardly a novelty after all this time.
What is it about Thanksgiving that brings out the super-traditional? Even in my fairly feminist household (my parents are proud of their egalitarian marriage, split the chores and childcare responsibilities pretty evenly, my dad had no problem moving for my mom's job, etc.), my dad and uncles and brothers will still watch the football game and chug beers after the big dinner while all the womenfolk clean up the kitchen. No one even pretends that there's an equal distribution of responsibilities. Sure, every year Dad ceremoniously asks if there's anything he can do, but much like the ceremonious cutting of the turkey at the beginning of the meal, it's all for show. The men have nothing to do with the preparation of the meal, and they certainly have nothing to do with the cleanup. Their role is to eat and digest, and compliment to gals on a job well done. I don't know what would happen if this year Mom answered, "Sure, we've got dishes for thirty people to clean and about fifty pots and pans that need scrubbing...there's the sink!" It's as unfathomable as my meat-and-potatoes family deciding to share some Tofurky and forgo the bird carcass.
And here's the strangest thing: I know that come Thanksgiving, even with my feminist heart heaving with the unfairness of it all, I'll be in the kitchen with my mom and aunts and girl cousins, cleaning up while the guys burp contentedly in the other room.
A couple years ago, deciding to make a statement, I informed my mother that I was watching football with the boys. I expected a little anger, maybe even a flat refusal, but my mom, perhaps knowing what was to come, had no problem with it. So for the first time since hitting my teen years, I sat out in the living room and watched the big game while the big clean-up went on without me. And here's the thing: even though I'm a huge football fan, even though watching the game with my dad is one of my favorite things, it wasn't very long at all before I was back in the kitchen.
I try and justify my own lapse back into traditional gender roles. The cleaning isn't hard at all, I reason, not with a dozen people pitching in. It's a safe, female-only space, our own little once-a-year, consciousness-raising event. Sure. The truth is, that I know it's bogus. I know everyone should pitch in after dinner, and I know that it reinforces all the stereotypes I fight against the other 364 days of the year for the menfolk to all watch the game and the womenfolk to clean and gab.
But I also know that I'd much rather be in the kitchen chatting with my aunties, hanging with cousins I see once a year at best, and, yeah, pitching in on the cleanup, then hanging with the dudes in the living room. Go figure.
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I think that traditions like Thanksgiving are some of our fondest memories. Family traditions make up a lot of what we remember about our childhoods, and it's often the only time that the whole family is together and everyone gets along and is in a great mood. It's a huge bonding experience. So I think everyone is uncomfortable with change - we don't want anything to happen to those precious memories, and we don't like to think that there's anything wrong with something that has given us a lot of joy and put continuity in our lives.
As for you enjoying being with the women, I feel the same way. And I totally know where you're coming from in terms of knowing that it's "bogus". But, when it's just once or twice a year, I'm ok with just enjoying the bonding with my female relatives and ignoring the feminist implications.
Does it make you feel any better that I never help with the meal?
Hee...probably not...I'm pretty hopeless in the kitchen. But, I will be eating Tofurky right along with you.
I dislike Thanksgiving because it is the time of year when family members pester me with a silly question that I am not allowed to answer. "Why don't you have a boyfriend, WHY! WHY!"
I mean, I love my family but they get waaay to nosy around the holidays.
I'm also a veggie, pass the tofurky!
Please pass the Tofurkey!
I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving, myself. When I was younger, it was always spent in the company of my mom's family (and her mother is... generally unpleasant) and it, like most holidays, involved a fair amount of fights and drama and screaming matches. Then when I got older we started doing Thanksgiving with my sister in law, and J.H.C. her family puts bacon on EVERYTHING. THE GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE, I MEAN, REALLY. I had a friend who lived on a Lakota reservation, and she said that around this time every year they had an anti-Thanksgiving day, which sounded a bit more appealing to me.
That said, this is my first Thanksgiving away from home (even though my immediate family is kind of spread thin, anyway, now that we're all older) and I thought it was really sweet when all the first-year grads in my program got together to plan a Thanksgiving dinner for this weekend, before the actual holiday (some people are flying home). Baking being something of a specialty, I'm making 5 pies.
AND THEN my mom just emailed me to ask if it'd be okay if she flew out here to spend around Thanksgiving with me!! I guess I can forgive all the problems and hangups I have about Thanksgiving if it gives me an excuse to see my Mom after the longest I've ever been away from home.
I was a vegetarian for ten years and Thanksgiving was the only time I really felt like I was missing out. And your family is weird, my dad cooks the turkey and I do the dishes.
I must be the odd one out here. My Dad does all the cooking on Thanksgiving... and most other holidays. :P
I like Thanksgiving. It's been kind of like my day since I was 15. I am vegetarian so I'll make lots of sides, pies, fall veggie dish (roasted squash) and some possible faux meat, but I'm not a fan of tofurkey. I might do a stuffed squash as my main course. Stuffing and dessert are my favorites. We actually haven't been thinking about what we are doing but Mr. Riot will have to clean, we might have some friends over, and go sledding if loners this year, or play some games if it's a party. In my family I noticed that it's not just the women cooking, men cook too. Whoever did not cook has to/should clean and help with the serving. This is how it goes in my house as well. I cook (my choice) and the Mr. does the cleaning. Considering the amount of dishes I go through he probably wishes the roles were switched.
And for the other veggies here. This can be tougher when you're at someone else's house. For xmas I'll be at my inlaws who are very meat and potatoes, so I offer/insist on making 2-3 dishes for them to take off their load. Now I have at least 2 things that I can eat, and I'm a good cook so other people like it too. This year I'm hoping to make stuffing, sweet potatoes, and dessert. We'll see.
I was veggie for two years (just recently starting to eat meat again because I started culinary school - and now I'm a graphic design major!) so Thanksgiving was an uncomfortable time in that my dad would comment that I could just eat a LITTLE turkey - it wouldn't hurt me.
I was happy enough with mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and lots of dessert :)
I have a similar experience with the cooking/cleanup aspect -- my mom, sister and I do all the cooking for Thanksgiving (in our own kitchens), and my sister and I do cleanup immediately afterward so we can get down to playing board games (a tradition in my immediate family). I never wanted my brother or brother-in-law to help - I like scrubbing all the pots and pans with my sister to get them out of the way. Plus it's bonding time!!!
You forgot to mention the part where someone's new boyfriend/husband decides to chip in and help for 15 minutes, and everyone goes gaga -- "Oooh, what a catch!"
Most of my holidays have been spent with just my immediate family, so the gender roles with cooking and clean up were never very apparent. My mom usually does most of the cooking (the rest of us are pretty terrible cooks), but we each have some side dish we're in charge of. I'm the oldest and still the only of the kids who can drive, so I usually get out of the cooking by being the one who makes 150 trips to the grocery store for whatever we forgot. Last Thanksgiving, though, my mom was working so my dad and I made the entire dinner.
My parents did recently move back to their childhood home to be closer to our extended family, and I have noticed that the guys-watching-football-while-the-womenfolk-clean thing is a lot more pronounced. But like so many other people have already said, I still find myself in the kitchen with all the other women. I'd rather be there helping than sitting on my ass doing nothing. And it is a nice time to catch up with my aunts, who I only see about once a year.
When I was living at home we only had Thanksgiving with the immediate family, so I never went to one of the big gathering type things. But the past few years I've gone to my grandparents' for Thanksgiving where they usually have a big group there, and I don't remember noticing the gender split until this year (Canadian, so we had Thanksgiving way back in October). All the guys hung around talking, all the women ended up in the kitchen - except my uncle, who helped us. I'm a little disappointed that I was impressed by that, since he's never been one to make my aunt do all the work anyway, but I was.
aleks and loretta,
my dad usually does most of the cooking as well during the holidays although i usually help and get some of the stuff cooked since i've been doubed the mashed potato queen among my family. but for thanksgiving since we gather at grandpa's most of the time all of the guests help with cooking or at least bring something for the meal such as desert, soda or some other dish such as salad. a good thing since we normally have 20-30 people, and it will be even more this year. i just hope that it works out well since we have at least 6 people that normally don't come, not to mention the family friends who don't have family to see otherwise.
As a kid, Thanksgiving was the immediate family and my grandparents - and yeah, my mom and grandmother did the cooking/cleaning while the men watched the game. Last year I was with my boyfriend's family - his sister's husband did all the cooking and cleaning (well, he is in the restaurant business). This year my boy's dad is going to be the cook.
I think Thanksgiving brings out gender roles in these larger family settings because it's all about tradition - everyone gets together once a year, cutting across all generations, and I think the easiest way to interact is to slip into familiar roles. The guys know how to watch the game and drink beer, and the women get a chance to catch up (yes, it feeds into the stereotype about women liking to talk and men not, but it seems that at least for you and your family, it's true that it presents a safe space for the women to interact).
I've struggled with Thanksgiving/Christmas since becoming a vegetarian and a feminist.
I feel so bad for my mom because she spends 5 or 6 hours making a huge lunch (with my help of course) and everyone just scarfs it down without giving the food any thought or appreciation. Then my mom and any other woman present is expected to clean the kitchen while the men go nap and watch football. As a feminist I feel like I shouldn't be required to clean if the men aren't, but I have a conscience, and if no one else will help her I will. At the end of the day it may hurt my pride a bit, but it's more important for me to make my mom happy.
The thing is, I love to cook, and cleaning is a responsibility that comes with cooking, but it's the feeling of being required to do these tasks because I'm a woman that stings. My boyfriend always helps cook and do the dishes, so I always experience a bit of culture shock when I return home.
My dad turns into a really stressed out person during the holidays. Really high-strung. At least he does the dishes!
My mom is the cook (quote frankly I wouldn't trust my dad to make spaghetti..sorry, dad) so he doesn't "help" in the kitchen. He does clean up, though, so I can't complain.
I'm vegan, too! This is my (about) 9th or 10th vegetarian Thanksgiving, and my 6th vegan one.
In case you all are struggling with vegan thanksgiving or are having someone vegan over and don't know what to make them:
Smlove Pie http://isachandra.livejournal.com/61529.html
Green Bean Casserole (use frozen, not canned): http://vegweb.com/index.php?topic=6137.0
BUNCH of Thanksgiving Recipes:
http://www.bryannaclarkgrogan.com/page/page/1435893.htm
I have personally made the smlove pie, casserole, and the "turkey" roast.
For anything with dairy in it, you can use soy milk, earth balance margarine, and soy creamer instead.
I actually wonder what would happen when more women actually give a chore or an assignment for the men to do when they "ceremoniously" ask if there's anything they can do to help, fully expecting to be told to just rest and digest. My mother told me there would be more fights and that it makes them feel good to ask but it's unreasonable to make them. Nice.