I have some bad news. A good friend of mine recently worked up the courage to go to the police about the man who abused her throughout high school. However, after suffering ridicule, skepticism, dishonesty, and distain at the hands of the police service, she has decided not to pursue this case any further.
I'm extremely frustrated that this sicko will NOT be going to prison, and instead he will continue to be free to continue preying on teenage girls. I certainly don't blame her for backing out - from what she's told me, it seems that the police all but blamed her for the repeated attacks ("Why didn't you say no?" "I did!" "Well why didn't you make him stop?" "Because I was scared" "Why did you continue to see him?" "I had to go to school" etc) and they essentially told her that her case was completely pointless.
At least they didn't pull the "you oughta be ashamed of yourself, you could ruin this poor guy's life!" BS they did when I reported the man who raped me when I was 15. (I also didn't end up pursuing that one in court after the way I was treated by the police.)
What the FUCK is wrong with our system that we seem to think it's okay to treat rape victims this way?!?! My friend and I are not minors anymore, but our assaults happened when we were CHILDREN in the eyes of the law. Why is our justice system refusing to protect children from rapists? Why is it okay to attack the character of a scared 18 year old girl reporting the 35 year old man who attacked her at a concert 3 years ago, but it isn't okay for her to attack his character? (i.e. suggest that he might have actually, y'know, raped her .)
I am just so sick and sad about all of this. Is there anything that can be done? I don't want to go through that humiliation and pain again (and I know my friend probably never will either) but it terrifies me to know that the man who raped me and the man who molested and brainwashed my friend are both still out there, with access to other young girls just like us.
*More on my friend's story. He was in a position of power, and she was 14-17 during the time of the ongoing molestations. He forced her to cut out other activities and devote all of her attention to him and his group. He refused to let her see some of her friends, and he forced her to miss school to go on private camping trips under the pretense of a "school activity." Through this segregation, he managed to brainwash her into thinking that what he was doing was okay, that her eating disorder was a GOOD thing, and that her parents and friends were just being controlling. When she graduated, she managed to get away from him, but he found her a few months ago and chased her in his car - that was the turning point when she decided to report his actions.
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I can't imagine how devastating that would be-- to have the people who are supposed to be protecting you turn on you instead. But I'm proud of her because she at least tried! She definitely did the right thing by telling them, so she should gain confidence by knowing that she did what she could to protect herself. I'm also glad that she has a friend like you who can talk to her about this, and ensure her that even though many things about the establishment FUCKING SUCK and refuse to help her, at least she can know that it's not her fault.
Isn't there some type of legal or rights group/non-profit to which you can report this outrage?
When a friend of mine went to the police about a guy who sexually assaulted her, they told there wouldn't be enough evidence to make it worth going to court for and then lectured her about not drinking or doing drugs. This girl has never gotten drunk or used drugs and she was not under the influence of anything the night the assault took place, not that it would be okay for this asshole to do anything to her no matter how wasted she was. I got so angry when I heard how the police responded to her that I wanted to throw up. How did we get to this place where girls and women who have been assaulted and raped aren't worth taking action for?
There is probably a pattern at that police department of officers not taking rape allegations seriously. Even if there isn't enough evidence to convict him or even bring him to trial, he could at least be questioned by the police. That might scare him enough not to do it again. Rapists think women and girls are too weak and anxious to do anything about the rape, so standing up for yourself is very important. But when the police essentially block you from standing up for yourself in a big way, then that's not fair and might even encourage rapists.
So since you and your friend are most likely not the only women who have experienced this injustice, you can make a website or a blog about it. Simply ask if other women in the area have reported their rapes to that particular police department and got no justice. Or write an editorial about it, maybe on the website of your local paper so you don't have to give your full name and phone number, just a screen name.
I particularly like silent demonstrations. You can wear a shirt that says "My rapist got away thanks to" and then the precinct number where you reported it.
Speaking up is difficult, and I think doing so in court is the most uncomfortable experience. Speak up in a way that you and your friend are comfortable doing. To me, keeping silent is not an option.
This sort of thing is horrible, and exactly why I would not report a sexual assault without a good friend or close family member recording the conversations with the police. At least then I have evidence of their mistreatment.
I agree with AnUnfunnyFeminist, write an anonymous letter to the editor or editorial in your local paper. Name specific officers who belittled you or your friend, and get her to write it if she is able. Make sure the whole town understands the bad experience. It will do a lot more to change the officer's behavior than anything else if they know rape victims will complain, publicly, and cite the mistreatment.
Good job to you and your friend for at least trying! I know that must have taken a lot of courage. If you haven't already, you and your friend might want to go to a local support group for women who have been raped or sexually abused in your area. If you decide to pursue other action, like writing to your local paper, it would help to find other women who have had similar experience, and even if you don't, it should help you and your friend to deal with your feelings about everything that has happened, both with the sexual assault and the injustice by the police.
I am so sorry for you and your friend. Having been in a similiar situation (I was 16 when it happened), I hope from the bottom of my heart that you both find healing and happiness.
On a different note... FUCK THE POLICE!!! What a cartload of squid-brained nincompoops. I hope their fingernails fall off. And the man who did those things to your friend sounds like he could give Satan lessons in savagery and manipulation. I hope he is reincarnated as a legless wallaby.
Hope that made ya smile :)
Alexandra, the mental image of a legless wallaby certainly made me smile.
This post has really made me think about what happened to be a few years ago. I was being abused by a classmate and finally broke through the fear and went to my parents, the school and the police. They were all very supportive and I am endlessly thankful for that. I must say, I had a truly wonderful experience with the police, and I am so sorry that it didn't go that way for you or your friend.
They fully expressed their willingness to prosecute him but explained the likelihood of winning the trial with lack of evidence (since it was an ongoing thing and I didn't report a fresh rape for a rape kit or anything) and laid out alternatives for me. I was young and scared, and I listened to what they told me and decided to go for the alternative, which included an official report to go on his record of what happened, an official legal warning to him never to contact me or speak of what happened for my protection, his expulsion from school and banning from school premises. Knowing the type of guy he was, I knew that expulsion would be a big deal for him, and I felt safer that way - plus I didn't have to go through a long trial, and to be honest I am still completely confused about what happened and the legal grey area it lives in. Have I regretted not prosecuting? At times, and I would certainly recommend it to anyone who is abused. What I think swayed me was the fact that I knew logically that I would probably lose and this way guaranteed the legal warning and mention on his record in case he should harm anyone in the future.
The worst part was that my mother told me to change schools and never tell anyone what happened. Ever. Never talk about it. She still refuses to listen if I ever mention the idea of abuse or pretty much anything that happened that year, and she goes as far as plugging her ears and turning away so I can't see her face. I lost all respect for my mother when that happened and unfortunately she hasn't done anything to get it back, but that's another story.