I have a tremendous amount of anxiety problems: Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder.
So...
I have a lot of trouble mustering up the courage to speak up in class or at work, and lot of times just general interactions with co-workers and accquiantances will be hard for me. When I have time to rehearse what I want to say it never comes out that way, or at least that is my analysis.
The physical reactions of this are apparent. My face, neck, and chest turns blotchy deep red. I can literally feel the blood pumping like mad throughout my body all the way to my toes. I feel like I am burning up, but I am shivering and trembling like I was freezing. Its kind of like whatever the opposite of an awesome orgasm would be.
So, believe me when I say that speaking out about human rights issues, feminist issues, and the like is hard for me.
But I do it.
When I was an undergraduate student I joined an LGBTQA panel that presented to classes and other groups. I represented the B, and I shared my "coming out" story, the things I've experienced, and so on and so forth. I trained people to be on this panel as well. I think it is imperitive that someone share these things. I want to put a face with the concept. I want this to be real to people.
And it was real. They watched me tremble. They watched me tear up with embarassment as I shared my life with them. They watched me turn crimson. And they said thank you.
I performed in front of a HUGE audience for the Vagina Monologues. I poured my heart into my monologue, and I basically put it out there for the audience to see. I burned up in the spotlight, which I've been avoiding my whole life. But I wanted them to know about violence against women, right in our backyards and all the way around the globe. I wanted them to feel it.
And they did. They heard my voice crack. They saw my hands shake as I held my script. They cried in some monologues and laughed in others. And people I never thought would admit to loving the performance were amazed and motivated.
In class last night I had to speak up.
My teacher was talking about Family Therapies. And I think we can agree that many, many people immediately think Mom, Dad, daughter, son, or some arrangement of children like that. I sat in my chair for 15 minutes once I noticed the trend.
Could you please remember that there are familes other than those made up of a mom, dad, and couple of children? Some families include same-sex couples, some are 3 generational, some are single parent, step-familes, and so on and so forth. What you are doing by automatically saying mom, dad, etc. is othering and devaluing the families that are differently formed and blended.
At least that is what I wanted to say.
What I said as I shook in my chair, wrapped my scarf around my neck and face to hide the redness, and felt tears welling up in my eyes was "Could we not refer to families as mom/dad? That is something that bothers me."
...
Really? Really? *sigh*
But my point to all of this is that even if you can scarcely find the words, even if you worry about what "they" will think...
"Speak your mind even if your voice shakes."
I do and I will carry on because it matters.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Speak Up.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/10570
Weekly Feministing Newsletter
Thank you so much for sharing that. I have similar anxiety issues, and still have difficulty speaking up when I have something to say. It's wonderful to hear that you keep trying and I'm going to keep on trying too!
i think you rock.
That was a great post.
One of my colleagues in graduate school had similar anxiety issues. Whenever she had to give presentations in class...well, I think you're familiar with the symptoms, but the class reaction, unfortunately, was befuddlement, embarassment, and discomfort.
I was crestfallen to learn that she dropped out of the program. I like to think it was because her financial aid didn't go through or because she transferred to Columbia.
I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you how much I enjoyed your post.
Moses, the greatest leader (in my view) in history had a speech impediment. You do what you have to do, whether it comes naturally to you or not.
Your opinions matter. Good for you for actively working against your anxieties.
I think it's important to remember too, that when people are making assumptions (families come with a mom, dad, and kids; men are attracted to women) they might not realize they're in the wrong. If they're open-minded, they'll appreciate a gentle correction.
I have both GAD and SAD and I too have trouble, but I do it too. Know you are not alone and not the only one struggling to make your voice heard everyday.
Way to go! I'm with you all the way.
You're awesome. I have similar anxiety problems and a lot of times I wait, hoping someone else will bring up the point I wanted to make, or over-think speaking up until it's too late. Obviously, both are disappointing.
But knowing that other people have the same issues as me and actually overcome them is really inspiring.
You certainly have an excellent writing style. Publication may be an even more efficient way for you to spread the message that you want.
I almost have the opposite problem you do because I'm very prone to being overly zealous in conversation. I'll shove my views in people's face and they'll end up shutting down and getting defensive.
Also, as a 24 year old recently graduated fraternity man, it's difficult to figure out the right way to go back to my house and engage the new guys about feminism and women's issues in general without turning them off. It's always worth reminding oneself that even if it's a difficult subject to approach for whatever reason, it's something that you have to do.
Excellent post. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
THANK YOU!
I don't really have social anxiety too badly, but I have GAD-- and mine pops up out of nowhere half the time. I completely understand what have/are experiencing. I used to have a really difficult time speaking up in class situations, and I think I'm much better now. It still takes me longer to get comfortable in a situation, but once I am, I am not bothered by my GAD anymore. Having GAD has been very frustrating for me as a woman and as a feminist, because I keep feeling like I'm playing into this notion of women being really anxious, timid, etc. But eventually I realized that this can happen to anyone, and that it isnt my fault, and that it doesnt make my any less strong of a woman.
you are very brave :)!
An example of speaking out is in a college class, hmmm.... kind of lame, sorry.
If it isn't done at a rally with 1,365 people or more, it's basically not worth doing.
Hmm. I'm sorry. Where would you suggest I speak out?
To me the more difficult task is speaking out in places where I have to continually return to interact with those people.
And I'm not sure if you are implying that my graduate class is unimportant or simply that "college is liberal."
Are you joking?
It's important to speak out (if you can; I'm not saying those who have issues speaking out are somehow bad) anywhere you can -- including a classroom setting. What if her remarks change the mind or feelings of even ONE person? Isn't that as important as changing the minds or feelings of a group of people? Education is important on an individual, single basis, too.
wtf is your problem?
standing up is standing up no matter what. rosa parks wasn't waiting around for everyone to gather in a circle and watch her fight back; you do it where you have to and do it when you need to which isn't always when there are tons of people around. it's not for the audience it's for the cause.i truly fail to see any logic to that idea. maybe it you could argue it's more efficient in that it gets a message out to more people faster but i think it's just as important to live and act on our ideals and beliefs in everything we do, small or large.
also sexyshadysadie you ROCK!
Skippy, I think college classes are a difficult place for people who have trouble speaking up. For starters, you have to continue to see those people everyday whereas with a rally or other public function you don't. Your beliefs also are challenged more in a college classroom because you and the other students are solidifying your ideological positions. Speaking at a rally of feminists about feminism doesn't bring on the open debate today's seminar-style college classes do.
And not only that, but having a teacher or professor there just makes it harder -- you have this person, who has power over you and your grades, listening to everything you say, and judging you for it in some way. And they can make life in that classroom easy or hard, depending on what they think of your views.
I don't have a problem speaking up in general, but I did have issues in high school, because I was bullied a lot. And you see these people EVERY DAY. It's not as easy as it may seem.
thank you - i was recently put on prozac for anxiety problems. i was also recently given abstience only sex ed, and she was making me pissed because she was spreading misinformation. i gathered the courage that night to get info from the cdc and fda that contraception does work and condoms do protect against stds. i gave it to her the next day, as my legs were shaking and my voice was cracking, and i told her, "i am a feminist, and here is some information from the fda and cdc proving your information wrong."
boy did that feel good!
Excellent!
Thank you for doing that.
Thank You!
You did some pure awesomeness! I'm sure your comment influenced people, even if it's not exactly what was going through your mind. Good job!
Thank you for this post. I don't have SAD, but social anxiety is a side effect of what I do have. This is exactly what it's like. Literally every word is a struggle for me;, I'm so glad something got through with you.
Oh, and Skippy, shut up.
Hey Sadie ~ Good for you! To a large degree, society makes us who we are. As adults, we can choose to accept or change whatever we were handed in life that makes us the people we are. Then we can choose to put in our effort wherever we can to make society different. This is what I think.
Yikes, I seemed to have touched a nerve. Honestly, I'm a college professor, and I stand by my comment. Why should everyone be falling all over themselves because someone spoke out in a college class? Really? Speaking out in college classes really is, well, what's supposed to happen. I guess I should start celebrating the fact that the sun comes up each day, or you know what, I'll make sure I receive a bunch of kudos from you all because I managed to cook my breakfast without burning it. Yes, that's exactly what I will do each and every day.
In the end, I suppose at least expect a little more from people who claim that every single little thing they do is move towards fighting oppression. And, well, sorry: it isn't. You don't know my background and I won't tell you. But, what I will say, is that I am well within my right in what I do for a living and in my spare time to call this posting for what it is: lame.
Skippy, I call bullshit. Sadie starts her post by revealing that she has SAD and GAD. It is reasonable to expect she might find it difficult to speak openly in any forum--including at school. Yes, we expect students to discuss and express their opinions in class. However, as teachers we have an obligation to help foster our students confidence. There are many reasons why students may want to speak out and find it difficult. As a student,I always found it difficult to speak out in class when the topic being discussed was rape as I am a rape survivor. I was fortunate to have professors who were compassionate and helped me find my voice by creating a safe space in the classroom. I admire those women and try to model my classroom behavior after theirs. Your calling sadie's post lame suggests to me that you are not the best teacher we are going to find in academia.
And I'm sure I'm not the only one who would find your use of the word "lame" offensive for simple connotations.
I don't believe for a second that you are a college professor. You're repeated use of the word "lame" is pretty good evidence of that. And claiming that you're a professor doesn't lend weight to your rude and unnecessary comments, it just makes you look even more like an ass.
Yeah, meant to reply to Skippy.
I also reported Skippy.
If you had a diagnosed stove-related anxiety disorder, cooking your breakfast would be cause for celebration, and, sure, I would give you kudos for that. Whether or not I can cook my breakfast with ease is irrelevant to your breakfast-cooking victory, and I'm not so devoid of empathy as to ruin it for you. I mean, I'm a jerk, sure, but not that much of a jerk.
You know what, Skippy, you're right: it shouldn't be a big deal when some one speaks up in a university level class. This should be the norm.
BUT, regardless of what should be the case, this world is neither perfect or in any way uniform, and so, what should be the case very often is not. While one would hope a college class would be an open place for learning and questioning, it very often isn't.
Sometimes one professors, or a majority of classmates, is hostile to the very idea of questioning or speaking out. And/or if you professor is not fond of you views and you speak up, you might be putting your grades in danger, because, let's face it, some people grade with their feelings, not grading rubrics.
In other cases, the walls to open discourse can come, one might say, from within. If a student is a person who comes from a family or community where her interest in school is derided, or where her intellectual abilities are automatically assume to be lesser by virtue of her being female, she might not be so quick or willing to speak up.
Finally, if one has anxiety issues, that's just one of those things that makes it hard to speak up. It just f'ing DOES. I'm the proud possessor of a grab bag of such disorders, and, well... when I in undergrad, in a department where I was known and highly respected rather quickly, I was an opinionated debater who would sally forth with comment or question readily. Now, in grad school, in a more prestigious school and a new field... I'm working my way back up, slowly. If one is built this way, it's just something one has to fight, and should be commended for the effort, because, BELIEVE ME, it is a f'ing TON of effort. It's actually physically exhausting sometimes!
Not everyone has loads of academic confidence; not everyone who does is a great speaker. There are many reasons why these things are so, and they're valid. Simple.
to shadysexysadie: Push on. Keep talking. They say it gets easier... and it does, bit by bit. I find honing my ability to talk, in one class at a time, has been a good building-up method. We CAN beat this thing!
Congrats for cooking your breakfast.
Go read a cookbook.
If I had to go through what you do to speak in public I do not think I could do it. Respect and admiration to you. I would like to think that I too can be as brave as you but the truth is I do not know. Perhaps when the time comes to face my fears I can think of you then I too can overcome. Thank you for your post.
Thank you for sharing this. I also suffer from bad social anxiety. I try to speak out also, but it's very difficult. You've done more than I can (At least right now. I'm trying to overcome SAD but it's tough as hell).
You're awesome :)
I've been really shy and afraid of conflict for most of my adolescence. The past year or so I've finally become more comfortable with expressing myself. I realized that I hate how everyone is afraid of giving their opinion because others won't agree with them. I realized that my passion for the things I believe is stronger than my shyness or fear of being criticized.
I'm now an open atheist at college, and the other day I had a full out debate with a Catholic girl in my class about abortion, and why her arguments against it were fallible. It's hard to speak publicly, and I can only imagine that social anxiety makes it even harder, but standing up for our beliefs is extremely important, so we have to at least try.
Posts like these motivate me to speak up, too. Sometimes I hear people saying offensive things but I don't have the guts to say anything, especially since these are people I work with and see on a weekly basis. Also, I have horrible stage fright and could not even fathom standing in front of a crowd and speaking about any subject, until recently college forced me to do it in every other class. It is still hard for me, but not impossible. And I do my best to call on people when they say things that piss me off (like my boss's wife referring to an intersexed person as "it", ugh).
What I'm trying to say is, thank you for posting this. :) I'm sure I'm not the only one you've inspired.
Thank You for posting this. It made me feel less alone.. Before I graduated (High School) I used to hate sitting in class answering questions or participating in debates... I only ever raised my hand when I knew the correct and only answer... I was never picked to answer the question if I knew the answer though... I only got picked if my hand was down and I didn't know the answer...
My reaction was to stare down at the desk or book on my desk flip the pages and mumble ummm until they picked someone else to answer the question. My face would feel so hot and tear would well up in my eyes which just thinking about these situations makes my eyes water... but by my senior year I made some good friends who were all very outspoken... simply put it really helped me out... I can just about speak my mind every time now...
My favorite class at the time was Horticulture... we had long conversations and debates about many extremely controversial things... I always participated and most times... got everyone to see what I meant and to follow my belief in what we were talking about... I didn't shove it down heir throats of course I was rather rational in calmly... ok heatedly but only because I had to be loud and fast before someone cut me off...
Well anyways.. keep trying you'll get better at speaking out.. Good Luck.
I really appreciated your honesty in this post, and I related to it in many ways. it also reminds me of a great Elizabeth Cady Stanton quote that says:
"The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, the divine floods of light and life flow no longer into our souls."
Of course the quote has a slightly different connotation, being more about fearing others' opinions rather than fearing speaking up because of social anxiety, but I just wanted to share it because I think it's a great quote.
I will first ask you how do you think it would feel to be contributing to a debate (AP English high school class) and as soon as you started to make some valid points against the football captain, in a Roe vs. Wade discussion (1974, South Texas), only to be labeled (very loudly) as a queer and/or slut? You're 16 (a straight virgin), just finding you own voice, only to be shouted down by the class and the teacher quietly sitting down allowing the verbal abuse to reach an "in your face, finger pointing to the nose" fever pitch. Much more locker abuse continued after that debate, behind between classes, hidden faces. Yeh, life is hard and the event taught me to stand up for myself and it taught me a great deal about pack mentality. The number of guys who later apologized, but were too weak, not only just staying quiet, but joined in due to peer pressure, shocked me; these were my friends from grade school. The main thing I learned was that these weaker males expected me to forgive them and understand their problem with being a thoughtful, enlightened man in front of the their boys; the hell with the thought of me being hit in class. Priorites had their egos/male status in higher regard than my safety.
So your idea that it takes no guts to speak up in class is bu!!shi#. What takes no guts is to stand up in front of a class and continue to act as a supreme leader over a bunch of elitists, instead of getting out in the world and dealing with real adults on a minute by minute basis. Being able to deal with the intelligent and the stupid in a equal and kind manner is what takes guts. And the way you blew off someone elses experience tells me more about you and the class you teach than anything else you could say.
I know how you feel. Big props for fighting back the fear and speaking up.