This is something I wrote because it's been stewing in my mind for the past...who knows how long. I finally decided to get all the thoughts flying around in my head down on paper.
One of the things that always gets me upset is when I see tv shows and movies depicting men spouting these stupid lies in order to get a girl in bed with him on the first date, or the first time they’ve met. Afterward, if the woman finds out about the lies she always get pissed and yells at him for deceiving her. Surprisingly, I don’t get mad at the men who are lying. I get mad at the women who sleep with these men and then get mad. See the thing that I never understand is why these women choose to sleep with men based on what they say. On a first date, or when you’ve first met a man, what he says is virtually irrelevant. You have no way of knowing whether he actually is a doctor or likes opera or writes poetry or whatever bullshit he might say. And quite frankly, when it comes to the decision of whether or not to have sex with him after that date, why on earth would these things matter? Does the fact that he might be a doctor mean that he’s more worthy of having sex with you on the first date? That’s ludicrous.
The truth is, the only thing that should affect a woman’s choice of whether to have sex with a man she just met is what she wants and how she feels. If you’re at dinner and just can't stop thinking about being in bed with the guy, then you should sleep with him if the opportunity presents itself. Whether he says he’s a doctor, a lawyer, or anything else shouldn’t matter in the slightest.
I think that often women take these things into account because they think that what happens after sex matters. If he has a good job that says something about his character, right? He's more likely to be stable and want a relationship, right? But let's face it ladies, what happens after sex with someone we just met just doesn't matter. If you have sex because you want to, nothing will change that. He might call you, he might not, he might turn out to be a loser pothead who sits around and watches cartoons all day, but why do any of those things matter?
If you’re reading this thinking, “of course these things matter! You have to know the person you’re sleeping with,” then I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m simply saying that you should not have sex with a guy until you know him. And I mean KNOW him. This doesn’t mean that he tells you something you like to hear. This means that you know him and he’s proved to you that he is what he says he is. Otherwise you’re just begging to be hurt and mislead. This might mean you have to wait weeks, even months before you’ll feel comfortable sleeping with him, but that’s better than feeling used, right?
I have to say that I understand why some women-and men-want to know about the people they're sleeping with for health reasons. But anyone can make up anything on a first date, or a second, or a third for that matter, so until you really know someone, protect yourself. Don't think that because a guy says he's a "one woman kind of guy" and feels like sex means so much more than the physical, you're somehow less likely to get an STD.
This is something that I’ve gotten so angry over and have just wanted to shout at every woman I know. Don’t be stupid. Don’t pretend that because a guy says he’s rich or has a nice job or is sensitive that means it’s more okay for you to sleep with him on the first date. That’s just you trying to make yourself feel better about something society has told you women aren’t supposed to do. Be honest with yourself. Figure out whether you’re a woman who can enjoy sex for sex, for pleasure in and of itself with no other pretense. And if you are, be proud of it! Have sex the way you want to, based on what you want, not what a guy says. If he doesn’t call you afterwards or if he’s not what he says, it won’t matter because you made your choice on your own and were not manipulated. If you aren’t a woman who can separate sex from emotion, that’s fine too! Just also be honest with yourself and protect yourself from the lying, manipulative men out there. Make them prove themselves to you before you sleep with them no matter what they say. No matter how much they say they care about you or how beautiful you are. Make them prove it.
Basically, I just want each woman to strip away the stupid rules society has implemented on us about our sexuality and really figure out who we are sexually. Like I said, be honest with yourself. Because ultimately, only when we prove to men that their stupid manipulations don’t matter, will we start being able to have honest communication with men from the very beginning.
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Wait, are you talking about being annoyed by a trope in movies and tv shows(as stated in the post), or things people you actually know do? You don't get mad at a man for telling lies, but you get annoyed with women who are upset by said lies? And women are going to bed with men at the magical utterances of the phrase "I'm a doctor?"
I agree with you that women should sleep with people because they want to, but I absolutely hold people to be accountable for what they say. And while I won't be impressed with a man who boasts about his high powered doctor or lawyer career, I will become more interested in one who talks about interests and values that reflect my own. I care what other human beings tell me in general, and I care if other human beings lie to me in general, so why should I stop caring if that human being is a potential sexual partner?
"And women are going to bed with men at the magical utterances of the phrase "I'm a doctor?""
Do you think they're not? Hell, one girl in my law school class just told everyone outright that she wouldn't even look at her current boyfriend until she overheard him say he was in med school, and then she perked up and decided to try and get with him. Everyone around looked a little shocked but she acted like it was the only reasonable thing to do.
I don't doubt that some of them are, just like I don't doubt a stopped clock is right twice a day.
But not every time.
Movies and Tv shows are the most visible example of this, but I see it all the time in real life. A girl sleeps with a guy she just met and then is shocked and disappointed when he doesn't call, because he said this or that which led her to believe he actually cared about more than the sex. I'm not saying that the people who lie are in the right and should, in any way, be respected for what they do. All I'm saying is that it happens. And it's so stupid for women to sleep with a guy based on what he tells her. Sure, you'll care about what what a potential sexual partner says his values and interests are, but I just want everyone to be realistic and accept that it is so easy for anyone to lie about that stuff. You just can't make the decision to go to bed with someone based solely on that. The way I look at it, if you can sleep with someone and be perfectly fine if you never hear from him again, go for it. If not, you should probably wait a while. That's all.
I actually really agree with you. While lying to get someone in bed is hardly a good quality, in the end it really boils down to your decision to sleep with them and nothing to do with them.
"Whether he says he’s a doctor, a lawyer, or anything else shouldn’t matter in the slightest."
Well, not exactly. Some people argue that a man's status is analogous to a woman's beauty in terms of attracting partners. We'd all like to believe that we are attracting mates based on our stunning personalities, but how realistic is that?
Of course lying isn't nice on either side; and putting on excessive makeup, slimming clothes, fake nails, push-up bras etc, isn't exactly putting one's true self forward either.
I have a hard time shallowing the pill that women are valuable for their looks and men are valued for their success. It's not that I don't agree with the statement, and I think to an extent powerful men are going to become even more valuable to women as women enter high powered jobs in larger numbers. When I talk to some of my female college-aged peers they often talk about the status of a guy before considering dating him. They want to make sure that this guy is going to a job that is AT LEAST as good (financially) as their own. I've also talked to girls who believe that the man should make more money than them in a partnership. Most men I know won't date a girl that isn't considered pretty by some standard.
However, I think if you want a fulfilling relationship you have to ignore what gender stereotypes dictate partner picking. Lasting (and happy) relationships are not going to survive on shallow values. Success can be temporary (example: our current economy) and looks fade. I think picking our partners on their compatibility (and this includes sexual attraction, but what makes someone sexually appealing is pretty individual) and personality is a realistic expectation for many people.
As a het female, speaking only for myself, I only pick males on their sexual attractiveness. This isn't necessarily wise, since I've had doozies as potential boyfriends and have had to clear them out pronto, but it has gotten me hot sex. So yes, women can be just as shallow as men. I'm 42 and my last date-boyfriend-whatever was 23. He was a tool but he was cute. He also assaulted me which is not cute at all. He was also jealous and obsessive which I didn't want. I got rid of him. This is possible and often desirable. Shows that focus on only men wanting short-term affairs are LYING. It's a stereotype for sure. We are the same - and often just as bad. And we have the right. And we don't need to apologize. Amen.
I appreciate what you're getting at, but I have to take issue with a couple of things.
Whether he says he’s a doctor, a lawyer, or anything else shouldn’t matter in the slightest.
It shouldn't, but then women shouldn't be in situations where they're economically dependent on men either. I think if someone's best option (or best perceived option) for financial security is "gold digging", there's no reason to criticize them. Marriage has been, and still is, an economic arrangement. The division of labour and the nuclear family is an arrangement where material support is exchanged for care work, which includes sex. Assuming that their financial security in the future is not assured, women who care about what a potential partner does for a living are just being practical.
Otherwise you’re just begging to be hurt and mislead.
eh... sounds like some victim-blaming going on here. The perpetuation of the idea that it's a typical guy thing to do to lie to a girl to get into bed with her because he can't control his sexual urges is the real problem here.
Also, I would question who's writing these TV shows and movies - they aren't real women, they're characters sprung from the mind of someone who might just be parroting stereotypes.