I understand how you feel, believe me.
I don't necessarily think its about finding a man who considers himself a feminist so much as it is about finding a man who understands and respects your beliefs and in time comes to share them with you. So, yes in the long run you are looking for a companion who doesn't need you to participate in a traditional marriage and physically bear children for him to be happy with you. He's out there, I'm sure of it. I'm right around your age, and I agree that right now dating isn't about finding a life-partner so much as it is about finding someone to have fun with, and if it develops into something more, great.
On your question about whether you should end it now, or wait for Paris - if he is hurting you with those comments like you said, I might end it. If you could say to him, "I don't think its necessary to talk about these things" and he lets it go, just have fun. If you're happy with him and enjoy his company, that's all that matters. You're in college, that's what its about.

Just my two cents.

You have the right to your opinions, beliefs, and desires in life - and if that means avoiding marriage and children, that's for you to decide. Good for you if you can make this independent decision. I'm sad that this man thinks he already has the right to comment on your choices, and to me it looks like he that is spoiling the good times of the relationship by criticising you in a way that must surely dampen the fun.

I'd say it might be best to wrap things up now, or soon, and in this way you can express to him that it is a problem for you that he criticises, and that this is what is making you end it. When you leave will be a convenient time to split up, but it won't express what you think, and I think it's important to do so. Also it would avoid any drawn out problems that might occur once you've gone to Paris, like if he decides he wants to wait for you..

I also think it's sad that feminists have to tentatively and gradually tell new acquaintances, especially boyfriend-material, about their political convictions. I have a new boyfriend too, two months now, and he knew I was feminist before we started going out together - I certainly found enough things to discuss on the subject when we were hanging out, and I think that's one of the things he found attractive about me, that I stand my ground and have strong opinions. He still thinks that now.

So there are men who understand and are on side and with whom you are able to share your opinions. Don't waste time on anyone who runs scared from feminists or a little feminism. This man sounds like a drip ;)

I have been in your situation, many times sadly. Most of the time I made the choice to let the relationship just be about fun but eventually it always got to me that I could not relate to the person on a level that I wanted to so I would end it. I don't want to advise you on which decision to make, I'm sure you know which one you are leaning towards. I hope you have fun in Paris- that sounds so exciting!

If a man isn't a feminist, you shouldn't date him, and it'd probably a bunch easier if you declared your feminism right away, and fuck them if they can't get past that. Better to be alone than with a sexist, right?

These comments reflect all the thoughts that have been going through my head. It's nice to be able to rant/discuss it with other women who can see it from my perspective.

Why would you slowly tell them that you're a feminist? If that's a point of irrepressible incompatibility, a "deal breaker," it seems like you'd want to put it out there early on, to avoid getting seriously involved with people who're not going to accept you or whom you're not going to accept.

I do think you should reconsider your "WTF" reaction to his views on dating to marry, traditional marriage procedures, etc. He wants that stuff, and that's his right. You don't, and that's yours. You're not right for each other, but that doesn't make him (or you) wrong. I don't want to get married any time soon, and I want to (and will probably have to due to an accidental but much appreciated vasectomy) adopt rather than produce children, and "I don't want a diamond [anything]" is music to my ears. Most girls I know (in their mid 20s) feel differently on these issues. They're "not the one for me" but they're not sexist monsters.

As for the breakup, as long as you're honest with each other it's entirely up to you. Which will be the most fun, the least stress, and leave you with the best post-dating friendship? If he wants to get married soon though, perhaps he should start looking for someone compatible.

Have fun in Paris! Try to get to services at Notre Dame, I'm not Christian but it was an amazing experience.

I agree with what other people have said. My current boyfriend and I disagree on things like adoption, simply because he wants his own children. Nevertheless he accepts that I want to adopt, and I was lucky in that he knew of my feminism and my bisexuality before we started dating. Actually when we first started going out I had the same attitude as you, not wanting anything very serious but just wanting to enjoy myself.

The thing is that it became serious BECAUSE I felt I could really enjoy myself around him! I can be myself with him because he knows and accepts all my different sides. I suggest that you be proud of your feminism, explain it to any potential partners, and if they can't handle you wanting equality, leave it. There are other men out there who will accept it, trust me. If you can't find them in the US, you'll definitely find them overseas!

Also I should add that it often depends on where you're looking.. I met my boyfriend when we were in a student theatre production together. I don't think I would have found him at the pub though!

I know how you feel. I can't even talk a lot about feminism with my friends before they start giving me funny looks. One of them even asked me if I hate men. But no worries, you'll find someone who accepts and loves you for who you are, and I agree, dating is to explore and have fun, not necessarily to find someone to marry.

This is a sad story, but I say the dump the dude.
As you are clearly connected to the very large world that the internet allows you access to, I am surprised that you can't find a man with like minded interests.
Hell, if I wasn't already married I would find you interesting.
My wife and I had a small wedding, in which a woman ordained to conduct weddings took our marriage vows and signed the license, and, though my wife and I have two kids that she gave birth to, I have been trying to convince my wife to adopt slightly older kids so that I don't have to go through her pregnancy ordeals or diapers again.
However, I agree with past posters that you probably should have made it clear earlier on what kind of long term arrangements you want to have.
Don't give up hope though; I'm sure the kind of man you are looking for is out there, you just have to be more thorough in how you search for that kind of man.

I am a twenty year old college student in Virginia, and although I go to an all-women's college, I have had my share of feminist/dating experiences. I have to say that any guy who does not respect you as a feminist is not a guy you should be with, and it took me awhile to figure that out.

You ask if feminist men exist out there, and although I have asked that questions many times myself, I think that many men have feminist qualities about it, but they don't have the word for it. Men don't think they can be included with the word "feminism," which is something that should change because I think more men would be open to feminism and they would consider themselves feminists if they had more knowledge.

You know how people generalize feminists as being hairy lesbians who encourage everyone to burn their bras? Many men have one image of what a feminist can be, and that often tends to be it, which is ad. However, by coming out as a feminist, you can show your partner that feminism has many different shapes, colors, looks, and perspectives. Just as many people think feminism is one thing -- it's not, it's plural, and I wish people had more knowledge of that besides the active feminist community.

Dating a man who accepts my feminism is outstanding! He goes to a very conservative university, and some of his friends have given him a hard time about it, but he has supported me in everything. They exist, I promise!

Don't lose hope, but don't settle either.

I don't bother informing men I'm a feminist. I just dump them as soon as they turn out to be sexist assholes :)

Whether or not you dump him is up to you. However, if he feels like he's falling for you and you don't feel it back it's probably going to hurt him a lot more if the relationship drags on. As long as the relationship lasts he may have it in his head that you may start to feel the same way back. But, if you're on different pages it may be best to end it now. On the other hand, if you wait until Paris it may be a quicker, clean break. Out of sight, out of mind. So, maybe just weigh the pros and cons?

I'm not sure how other people feel about this, but I can see how an engagement/traditional wedding would be sexist (especially if the man doesn't have a binding ring when you decide to get engaged) but personally I have nothing against the idea of having a big wedding or ring (so long as the man has one too) and still consider myself feminist. I don't want to get married in a church because I'm not religious. But, a big wedding, personally, I think would be fun (so long as it were with the right person). I don't think there's anything wrong/sexist with throwing a big celebration when you get married because (presumably) you only get to do it once, although I guess it may be a bit self-indulgent. I also would like to have my own children, which I don't find sexist, it's just something that if I reach a point in my life where I am independently financially stable and with a person for a long time I would like to do. The point I was trying to make is that I don't think these traditional ideas of marriage and kids have to be sexist. But, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to participate in these acts, and you probably shouldn't be with someone that feels these traditions are important to them because you're not on the same page.

Well, being in NYC doesn't guarantee that everyone you meet will be all enlightened and sophisticated about feminism or any other social issue really. Each neighborhood of NYC can be it's own little world. There are people who have never gone more than 10 blocks from the street they grew up on, and can have a surprisingly provincial mentality. There are also a million cultures and sub-cultures co-mingling with each other, and even if you peel that away, every human being in this city is a walking container of emotional baggage. Like I could say, oh, well if you want to meet men who identify as feminist in NYC, hang around Bluestockings and the activist scene. And if you do that, chances are that yeah, you'll meet a guy with more of an awareness of feminist theory and such, but it's no guarantee that he may not be aware of his own unresolved issues and perhaps lapse into traditional behavior he was raised with sometimes and then bristle when you call him on it.

FWIW, I've also encountered men who CLAIM to be feminists, but are capital T TROUBLE.

It sounds like the guy you're with has more conventional ideas about what he wants out of life than you do. It may just be that you don't see eye to eye and may have to go your separate ways or just be friends, but I'm also a little concerned that he may be using the "I'm starting to fall for you BUT..." stuff as emotional leverage to get you to do what he wants. I don't know him, so I don't want to say for sure that's what he's doing. I do think you should be frank with him, that you can't meet his long term objectives, that you are leaving for Paris in a few months and that's that. Maybe you two can decide to have some fun until you go, or that may be worse for him, if he becomes more attached (he sounds like a bit of a nester) and it may be better to cut it short now. Either way, there are two people involved here and they both deserve to know what's up with the other.

It's posts like this that make me feel greater love for my boyfriend, he's a self-declared proud feminist for whom words like "goddess help me" and "privilege and patriarchy" roll off the tongue.
As for your situation, I think it may be a good idea to have a long talk before you go, that way, you can decide where you're both headed and whether or not you really want the same things out of life. Paris would be a great point to take a breather from him, and take the time to explore yourself as a person, and your potential. I'm young as well, and I consider going abroad to be the ultimate experience to learn about yourself and what you truly desire.

I'm also in college and I didn't consider myself a feminist until I took a women's studies class. I was already dating my current boyfriend and I was lucky enough for him to be very open-minded and interested in what I was learning. Now he's just as much of a feminist as I am. I think I just got really lucky but since then I've surrounded myself with other feminists/progressives and I've met other feminist men.
I feel like your guy could easily be more open-minded (I mean, he did say he's falling for you) but the fact that he thinks your views are a problem - that's a clear indicator that there is a problem, but it's not you. Maybe just be totally up front with him about how you're feeling and see where he wants to take things?

Anyway, at least you can have some fun in Paris!!

My boyfriend will never admit he's a feminist, but he holds the same feminist values that I do. He's currently in the army and he's an equal opportunity rep for his company, and he wants to go in psychology to help transgender teenagers when he finishes. So it's really not about the label as much as it is about his actions.

As a male feminist, trying to date women who are feminists, I'd say it's just as difficult. I find that (even in the supposedly progressive Seattle area) young women are almost as loathe to identify as feminists as men. I guess we all need to not give up nor stop identifying as feminists; there have to SOME people out there who are aware of the importance of this term. Why do people (of any gender) hesitate to call themselves feminists? Is it just a general repudiation of 'isms' and ideology at large? Is it because people think that all of feminism's battles have been won (which, obviously, they have not)? Is it because feminism is now being seen as just (neo)colonial/imperial a discourse as any other western philosophy? I would be curious to hear people's thoughts.

As a male feminist trying to date feminist women, I have found that it is equally difficult. Most of the women I meet (even in the supposedly progressive Seattle area) are just as loathe to call themselves feminists as men. I guess we all have to keep trying harder; SOME of us still recognize the importance of identifying as feminists. Why is it that people are so hesitant to identify as such? Is it because of the general repudiation of 'isms' and ideology at large? Is it because people think that all feminism's victories have been won? Is it because we have come to see feminism as just as (neo)colonial/imperial a discourse as any other western philosophy? I'd be curious to hear people's thoughts.

Well, I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse but the majority of the population finds dating hard.

The label "feminist" is attacked by society at large and is often misunderstood, and this will be especially true at the college age. I would suggest making it very clear that you believe in equality and care about the struggles of oppressed and abused women. If you put things this way, you might actually find that you win points with guys.

As for not wanting marriage/wanting to adopt children, this will filter out some men but will be okay with others. It would be the same with I want live in the city/suburbs. I think it's important to attend church/I am against religion.

Now, if you still have trouble meeting guys because you are a feminist then you need to put yourself in situations where you meet the right guys. You need to engage in activism or surround yourself with arty people or whatnot.

If you still are having trouble, then you will discover the magic of settling for less! (Most people do it but don't talk about it.) You can certainly find a guy who will accept everything about you. You're a feminist/you want to adopt children/you want to live in a yellow house, but this gentleman might be slightly shorter, stupider, or less outgoing than who you'd date if you had fewer conditions to meet.

You're still young. Keep your chin up and I think things work out fine!

I think that the problem in this particular case is not that the boy you were dating wasn't a "feminist" per se, but that he allowed himself to be trapped in a very closed view of relationships, and values certain institutions more than he values a real connection with another person. It is just an inability to see things differently than they are in the movies and fairy tales.

I live in NYC and, after many jerks, I am dating a feminist guy! Don't give up hope! They are out there!

I think there are several things to consider:

-- Your beliefs will change -- to a point. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago when I was 20. You won't be either. Your stance on children, for instance, is likely to change over time. People in stable relationships and stable jobs tend to be more interested in the idea. You have neither.

-- This guy -- who it seems wants to be pretty serious -- is working through some of his issues as well. When someone says "I am falling for you despite X" that can mean several things, it may mean he is re-examining is own ideas

-- Don't be so hard on "traditional" stuff like weddings. Most of the time it's not for you and the groom, it's for your parents. Make them happy, it's good karma :-)

-- That said, at your age there isn't much reason to be worried about this kind of stuff. You have time, this relationship will either work or not, no big deal. But if you want to break up with him (and it sounds like Paris isn't the problem -- that's just an excuse) then do so ASAP. It's polite at the very least.

-- Don't get hung up on political labels and jargon. The first means little, the second even less. I come from a really leftist family that is heavily involved with the labor movement. I don't give a rat's a-- whether the person I am dating (now the person I am married to) can quote John Lewis or Karl Marx. You will discover that such things can be remarkably irrelevant.

Your feminist cred means zip to a person who loves you for who you are (and being a feminist is part of that). If the guy you meet isn't hip to "socially constructed patriarchy and phallocentric language processes" that really doesn't matter. He may love and respect you anyway.

I used to be more open about my politics to prospective dates. They all thought I was intense -- in a scary way. When I learned to make small talk things got a lot easier. Small talk, kiddo. Works every time :-)

The point is, it isn't about finding a guy who is a feminist, or any "ist." It's about finding someone you can love and respect who does the same. Not "the perfect guy." but "The perfect guy for you."

My wife is not perfectly in tune with my political beliefs. So what? I love her anyway, and the politics is really a very small part of what we do together. That may be tough to imagine now, but as you get older you want to take a rest from it. Believe me.

This doesn't mean you can necessarily end up with a guy from Bob Jones U, but it does mean you have to take a step back and ask what's important to you. And that answer will change drastically over the next decade or so, because so much of it depends on circumstances. The same thing that is a "must have" at 20 isn't so when you are 35 and 40.

You ROCK.

You'll likely love Paris and have a romance or two while you're there.

You may want to consider not hiding an important and defining aspect of your character, like being a feminist.
It may lead to explaining your definition of feminism to a few men who may or may not get it or get along with it-
but, why waste time with men who can't appreciate feminism?

Time is precious, it's OK to be selective about who we share it with.

I think the wording of the title should be changed to 'Dating a sexist is hard'. It's not your feminist beliefs that are the issue - it's the sexism of any partner you have, after all.

Jess - I think your ideas are quite patronising to young feminists. I am "older" - and my views on marriage, children, etc. have only strengthened the oledr I have got. The more sexism you see - the more you want to fight, not give in!

To the author of the thread - I think your problem is very common. I have had to break up with many men once they show their true, sexist, colours. And I am not going to say the right guy is out there because I am 37 now - and I have had to accept that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life.

So again - it's not feminism that is the issue. The isuue is that most of the rest of society is backwards sexist - and it has not caught up with feminism yet. So (and not to dampen your spirits), I think you are going to find it emmensley hard to find a truly feminist partner. I wish you the best of luck though.

I am extremely intelligent and attractive. Even at 37, I can still attract many men - but as soon as they use one little bit of male priveledge on me - I have to go. And most people don't even SEE male priveledge so how is it possible to make your partner aware of it? I chose not to waste my time re-educating. I am sooooooo tired of trying that one!! So I will probably be alone. A sad little story, I know! But at least I love myself.