(I've not gone through something like this, but I work with survivors of sexual assault and have seen the gamut of reactions.) There is no official script for "How to React to Sexual Assault." It really sounds as though you've been through a lot, so actual proof of what you've suspected hasn't made much of a dent. Maybe you're just processing. Maybe you'll never have an extreme reaction to this knowledge. How people react reflect their experiences and it's neither "right" or "wrong."

I would suggest finding a YWCA or some free counseling that you can speak to someone about this, if only to show that it really isn't affecting you in your current life.

A few girls I knew in highschool who were dealing with similar issues of confused but terrible childhood memories found RAINN.org very helpful.

On the one hand, I suppose I am lucky all my memories about my brother's abuse are hazy and scattered. (I was 8.) On the other hand, there's a weird feeling of guilt that I'm only 95% certain it wasn't one gigantic nightmare.

It really, really helped me to talk about it with people who'd been through similar experiences. Not only did I get to vent, but I slowly found out that I wasn't as broken as I thought I was. Figuring out that I was actually a human being, who, given the circumstances, reacted in about as normal a way as possible, actually helped me to finally start healing (11+ years after the fact).

The shadowy memories seems to be a common affliction among myself and my friends who have been through similar things. So are guilt, self esteem issues, self harm, and rape fantasies.

I'm sure that counseling is wonderful for most people and is probably what I should have done, but when I first went, I wasn't ready to talk about it, and when I tried again, I found that I just couldn't trust the psychologist enough. In a weird way, I think I just have difficulty trusting that someone who hasn't also been there would care.

I remember absolutely everything my brother did when I was 3 years old until I was 10. He doesn't remember a thing. When I tried telling my parents, I was accused as a liar because my brother didn't/doesn't remember anything. So, it isn't discussed in our family. However, I went through immense therapy because it really causes problem in your heart and in your mind.

It's time to seek out professional help. This isn't something you can make "go away".

I hope you get some help that you need.

I would have to disagree with AquarianPath. Professional help isn't always neccessary for everyone, and for some people these kind of things do 'go away' on their own.
I was nine when my cousin did...something. It was at least molestation, and I'm pretty certain it was rape (my memories are very scattered and disjointed). I never got professional help and I"m as close to fine as I can be.
Basically what I'm saying is that if you feel you want or need to talk about it, then do it! But don't feel like you have to if it's not for you. Now may not be right. It might never be helpful to you to talk to someone.
Just take things at your own pace, spend time reflecting on what you need and feel, and do what you NEED, rather than what you think you're supposed to do.

i remember being molested once by a community member when i was 10. had issues for quite some time, but i wasn't in a culture where therapy is common. i had to deal with the issue earlier this year, when i was wondering how it impacted my sex life.

what helped me get through it most, even without therapy, is knowing that other women have had similar experiences and have gone through it. you will be successful too, because you're strong. however, take all the time you need to sort out your feelings they are important. besides that, my advice would be not to give your abuser any more control over your life (like thinking about him) than he had at one point.

(This is all really anecdotal so I don't know if it'll apply, but it's what helped me a lot.)

I didn't remember what my abuser did until he tried to repeat his first sexual assault on me, but in public. I had no feeling about it for the longest time too. I have to say I disagree with thinking about him being giving him "more control." That just starts the issue with "why can't I get over it?/I'm weak for 'dwelling' on it" that tons of people in my life used to guilt trip me into shutting up about it. I think it's necessary to think through the trauma to really process it, but if you don't have PTSD/a dissociative disorder (which is where the numbness comes in) I'm not really sure.

This is coming only a year after leaving my rapist though; my abuser was a partner so the issues can be completely different. Oh, and anyone who says you HAVE to forgive to heal is a complete idiot. I'm still pissed at everyone who hurt me when I think about them, but that doesn't mean I'm not happier now than I've ever been.

What helped me most was talking to my best friend about it and crying on his shoulder a lot. Keep a journal about what you remember. "The Courage to Heal Workbook" was a pretty helpful book for me-it's tough though. There's also a community (pandys, google it) that has survivors of all sorts of sexual abuse (father, sibling, stranger, relationship) that might help you feel less alone/freakish for your emotions. There's no way you can react "wrong," but it's a great feeling when someone is able to describe a feeling you haven't pinned down yet. And read feminist works more than ever! People and society in general made me feel like I had no right to my body, which was the hardest and most painful part of healing. I found reading stuff about reproductive rights and violence (though triggering) helped me generally feel more human.

Best of luck. Don't let anyone push you into memories or conflicts you aren't ready for. It's your choice now how and how fast you want to deal with everything. Be gentle with yourself. If there's anything more I can say or you just need someone to babble to, feel free to email me. I'm not sure if I'll be much help in a therapy-way but I'll at least listen and care.

I can't tell you how many memories of abuse this has brought to me. I am sorry to hear about it.. and I know it happens every day but it hearts so much each and every time.
I have also been molested and sexually abused numerous times, by strangers, and family members. It happened so much when I was younger that I started to think that it was okay, I didn't realize until later in life, that this was wrong. I still panic and freak out sometimes just on a mans small show of affection, it bothers me. I know sometimes I should not but my mind is traveling about 70 miles per hour focused on staying calm and not thinking about it. I have made a very clear wall between my male friends because I still don't feel comfortable. They know not to touch me. I never knew how to deal with it. I never did seek professional help and I still think I should, but with realizations of molestation my perception of life has changed and is like a never ending twirl. I prefer just hiding those feelings deep inside. Everyone deals with it differently, but sometimes the best idea is to get professional help or from those around you that you imagine you can trust.
I am writing this at work, and for once I am very glad that they do not know sufficient enough English to read behind my shoulder.
I wish you the best of luck friend. Take it easy and take care. Remember your mental health is very important. This is a great step that you actually want to share it, that you want advise and that you want to know how to deal with it.

Bottling it up inside isn't healthy, even if you feel fine about it right now. Ideally, I think that all sexual assault survivors should have professional therapy, but I also know that it can be very hard for many reasons (I still haven't). If you don't feel ready for therapy, try to find someone you trust who you feel comfortable talking to. Even if you only tell one person, that's a good start. You could also try looking at aftersilence.org which is a message board/ online support group for survivors.

Best of luck. Just remember to take it slow and think about your health (mental and physical) first. Be aware of you body and your emotions. Don't push yourself too hard. Remember that you aren't alone, and find help and understanding in the ways and places that are best for you.

Some people in this thread are bashing therapy, so I just wanted to say that some of the important value of therapy (to me, at least) came simply from the normalizing effect it has -- the understanding that this is a common problem that too many people deal with, that there are thousands of professionals who are specifically trained to help you. For me, it made my abuse as a child seem less like a deep, emotionally fraught personal secret that had all these implications for my future and my identity and more like an unfortunate roll of the dice. It really clicked that it wasn't my fault when I saw a whole office of therapists and patients going through similar experiences.