I have an acquaintance from high school/college. He's racist, and sexist, and I've denied it for a long time, or I justified it by saying he was a good person, just with serious mommy issues and internalized small town racism. He uses the n-word regularly because "if they can so can he." He makes more sexist statements than I could possibly list, and he ups the proverbial ante around me because I won't shut my fat lying mouth, to coin a favorite phrase of his.
Why am I friends with this person? I held on because of the fact that we'd spent years as friends, not always close but sometimes. I've seen him through some really horrible shit, family member incarcerations, addictions, debt, illness. He's, believe it not, helped me through a lot too. There's also a deep seated fear of rejection that I constantly deal with, but that's something I've been working on through years of therapy. So I thought it was complicated.
Today he sent me over the edge though. The abriged version: we were talking online, andI flipped my shit when he told me he lied about having been tested for STDs to multiple girls in order to have unprotected sex with them. I told him he was irresponsible, his behavior was inexcusable and unethical, he told me it was "their fault for spreading their legs for a free dinner." I told him that was the most tired double standard in the book. He used the word slut and I saw red.
I HATE the word slut (more on that another day). I should've bowed out at this point, but instead I apologized for yelling (all the while an internal monologue going "why the fuck are you apologizing, this guy is a horrible person, what the fuck is wrong with you). He apologized and explained that he "hasn't really dated the most respectable women" and I saw what I thought was an in.
I tried to break down the double standard, no deal. He started talking about his gratuitous use of the n-word and trying to justify that (no idea how it went there but it did). I tried again, after reminding him not to use that word, to explain why as a white male, he is in ZERO position to comment on black culture; he countered with some of the most vile racist shit I've heard.
And then it clicked. Fuck him I thought. I told him "I'm done" and I stopped talking to him. Then I sent him this, after I'd gathered some thoughts.
Okay, I'm cooled off now. Here's the thing. I consider you a friend. I don't always agree with you but I still consider you a friend. I don't mind arguing with you because I enjoy the occasional brain stretch and hearing views that differ from mine. But when you refuse to listen to what I have to say and resort to ad hominem attacks on entire groups of people, that offends me very much. You might think you're being edgy because it's not "politically correct" or whatever but what you're really doing is completely ignoring my point and seemingly intentionally trying to get a rise out of me. I don't appreciate that. And if you're not willing to talk to me without saying racist or sexist things, I don't think I want to talk to you. I don't need friends who only want to piss me off because they think it's funny. Don't reply to me unless it's an apology.
When I wrote it, I still considered him a friend. As I write this, I don't think I do. But please understand that it took a monumental amount of courage for me to say these things, and while they were a long time coming, I simply could not find the courage to find my voice. In hindsight, I wish I could've been more agressive, I wish I could've just said fuck off.
This post is hard to write, because I fear I'm going to face some sort of backlash, and rightly so. I let my privilege go too far. Privilege allowed me to remain friends with this person for as long as I have, because, while I spoke up, I never did it loudly enough or sincerely enough to have the impact it needed to have. I refrain from speaking up too loudly against sexism and racism because I have such a fear of losing friendships, of making people angry, even though they're so clearly not worth it.
The courage of the Feministing Community is such a source of strength. If I didn't read your posts daily both on the official and community blog, I wouldn't have had the conviction to tell this person off. Everybody here contributes to the idea that, as wrong as my ideas are to some people, they're right. I hope that this was a step toward me developing the courage I read about here every day.
For as long as I've identified with the feminist movement, I've been too fearful to make enemies because of it. But as the old saying goes, "with friends like that who needs enemies?"
I didn't write this post for sympathy or pats on the back. I don't need to hear "you're so brave" because I'm not. I'm still a coward who stayed friends with a sexist bigot for too long. I wrote this because I know I'm not the only one out there who struggles with this. Women in patriarchy are socialized to not make people angry, to be nice, to sit down and shut up, and it takes a lot of work and a lot tears and a lot of shaking hands to find your outrage, let alone to shout it at somebody who doesn't want to listen.
So I wrote this with the hope that maybe it will resonate with somebody who reads it.
*cross-posted at feministnextdoor.blogspot.com*
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mlemorie, I totally feel you. I wish I could just say what I think. When I point out the obvious, all I get is 'you hate men, don't you!' and a load of whingeing. Sometimes I just want to stay in my room, because I'm so exhausted by it all. Feministing helps me a lot, too.
When it comes from friends, it is harder than if it comes from strangers. I wrote a post at feministing directed at a friend of mine who constantly makes rape jokes. That's not nearly as bad as your friend here, though. Try and get over it. You don't need such an asshole in your life.
I would say "You know what, your right. I hate men like you! And turn the tables by saying "You hate women!"
I've been there. I had a friend who, in retrospect, was sexist from the very beginning. It wasn't until I came to this site that I started seeing his sexist bullshit and started calling him out on it. He actually used very similar arguments (something about tracing everything back to sexism is sexist). We had fights like this a lot and we both did some hurtful things, so I can understand your fear of rejection. It wasn't until the night I tried hard not to fight him, and he egged me on until I broke, then left me. In distraught I called a friend and cried, then tried to justify his actions with "he really cares" and "he's not usually like this". My friend listened carefully, then said "You know. The things you say...it sounds just like Battered Wives Syndrome". That's when I woke up and saw everything in a different perspective. I gave it a week and then I left him. I was instantly happier.
Sorry to make this such a long comment. The point is that I understand your position and I think you did the right thing. One thing I've learned is that negative people should be pruned from your life, much like pruning withered branches on a vine. I'm not saying the people in your life should be perfect, but when they are hurtful and cause anger...there's nothing salvageable in my opinion.
Your cross-post link doesn't work. I get a 404 error.
And I know just what you mean. I have the same fear of losing friends as you, plus I usually HATE confrontation, so it can be so hard to just say something. But I have stopped laughing at jokes that I find offensive, even though it's expected that I'll laugh, which seems to throw the discomfort back on the person who made the joke. And I do try to say something when I feel like I have an opportunity.
Link fixed, folks!
More like frenemy, than friend. You don't need people like that in your life. I used to put up with crap like that because I had similar insecurities and fear of rejection. In retrospect, I was a doormat. I did not want to face the fact that I put up with offensive crap from my ex-husband and former friends. I wanted to belong, but now I could care less. I refuse to hang out with people whom say very offensive things like you wrote about. I would rather have a few close friends who respect me than be subjected to a bunch of crappy people. He sounds like a Spencer Pratt! Its a good time to re-evaluate certain relationships and just let the toxic ones go their way. I agree, with friends like that, who needs enemies? Make room for those good friends.
Your letter resonated with me. I find people like him everywhere, although they aren't quite as bad as him. I'm not very brave either and I hate confrontation, so I usually just do little things like not laughing at offensive jokes, saying "I don't really agree with that" and other weaksauce cop-outs. If you can do it, I can, so maybe next time I'll speak up for real.
I do the same thing. But you should see how people get riled up about that! They somehow have the nerve to get offended because I refuse to laugh, encourage or smile at their racist or sexist jokes/comments, etc. Its amazing how even silence in these situations can actually make people uncomfortable and angry, since you are effectively not participating in their discriminatory play. I especially like when some say " Well you aren't ____ (racial group, orientation,etc) why do you care?" As if it takes membership in a particular group to give a shit about treating people like actual human beings.
I see you've had several comments that have expressed a resonance with your post -- success! I won't reiterate what everyone else has said, but I actually LOGGED IN TO MAKE A COMMENT. (o joyous day! I never do that! I usually lurk.)
I feel like you do in a lot of situations. When my best friend's husband told me one day, that women weren't as smart as men, I just gave him an eyeball. When he said black people weren't as smart as white people because they're never serial killers (I know right?), I didn't respond, I stared out the car window. When my dental hygienist mentioned that "old mouthwashes had a lot of alcohol in them; the Indians used to drink it... but I guess other people did, too" I stared her down.
I wish I had (I know you don't really wanna hear this) the courage that you had. So what if you put up with it for awhile? You had hope you could change someone; a lot of people do. What matters, is in the end, good came of it. You found your voice, and you called him on his bigoted bullshit. Nothing you put up with can change that outcome.
Lest I tread into tl;dr territory, I'll end this here. Thank you for your post, and for doing what you did. I think you'll inspire others to do the same.
Your friend needs your opinion. I believe that your friend maybe testing the boundaries of your relationship because he maybe testing the boundaries of his own existence. As the politics around race and gender change, there are many persons that will find all that they have been taught about themselves and others has changed. This is a scary situation to be in as may of us (myself included) have defined ourselves through politics of exclusion and want to resist changes that mean remapping and relearning how we relate to others. His actions seem to be destructive not only to others but also to himself. If he really is having unprotected sex, he is opening himself and his partners to STD's and pregnancies. Why would anyone put their life in danger simply to objectify another person?
For sooooo many years, I felt this same kind of ambivalence. Now, at age 42, I am finally confident enough not to waste my time (or at least, very little of it) on anyone who puts down ideas and views that are important to me. I've learned to put a "cone of silence" around me and protect my feelings from these people. My reactions now will range from walking away, telling them off (if I think they're teachable, which is rare) to just shutting down and cutting them off. I have finally understood that I don't need this kind of friend. But a lot depends on how much mutual respect is there when you both express opinions in any given dialogue.
Your post was very touching. I struggle with this all the time; it's VERY difficult for me to speak up and I'm a horrible arguer and debater. I get so frustrated when I can't explain my beliefs to people when they egg me on about it. I get really flustered and tongue-tied. I called an ex-boyfriend out once on his sexist bullshit and I think I was shaking so hard my bones were rattling. It's almost amazing, the physical reactions women have when they try to speak up for themselves. Someone once described it on this site as "whatever the opposite of an incredible orgasm would feel like". Almost feels like dying sometimes, it's so hard. Good for you for speaking up. I remember when I did it, the said ex-bf told me I was "obviously insecure". It took me a while to stop feeling regret that I had spoken up. I felt for a while like I did s/t wrong, or like I'd lost my dignity somehow by revealing that I was upset by his sexist comments. I think there's such a strong fear in women to reveal to men that they're hurt or upset about something; almost like admitting you're weak or something like that. At least that's how I feel about it. That being said, it's so great that you wrote that to him. I hope one day, we'll all be able to face down a**holes and not have any regrets.
You know, usually, i'm the complete opposite. I just can't keep my mouth shut, no matter how innapropriate the setting. And this usually results in uncomfortable silences, fights in public settings, and people staring me down like i'm a freak of nature because i dared call someone out on their BS (in their defense, i'm a really...um, passionate person - i get really riled up). All in all, it's not a pleasant experience.
But a couple of weeks ago, i was at my friend's kid's birthday party and this asshole was spewing sexist and racist crap all over the place. And this is VERY unusual for me, but I didn't say anything because it was innapropriate to do so at a kid's b-day party... and you know what? i regret it.
Assholes like this guy are rarely confronted about their crap - people just make up excuses for them and let it slide (to be clear, i don't really blame them for that). SOMEONE needs to do it- someone needs to call them out.
Looking back, i wish i had said something. something appropriate considering the setting (something witty, quick,and to the point in a calm manner). But i really wish i had.
Kudos to you for standing up to this guy. Someone has to do it.
Even if i know i can't change someone's mind - i still make it a point to mark my dissaproval. I just feel like if i don't say anything, then im somehow warranting what they're saying.