I have large breasts, big hips and a small waist. I tend to dress elegantly, even for casual situations. I wear a lot of black, a lot of dresses, and I like to play up my curves and look nice. I wear scoop neck and V neck tops pretty often, and of course there's the cleavage that comes with it. Even when I wear crew neck tops, bam, my breasts are right there. I don't like to wear baggy things, and why should I? Street harassment's been a problem for me since I was 14 or so and I grew my breasts in the first place, and while the catcalls have always bothered me greatly I never really thought about them in terms of my body, personally. Those guys are assholes, they do that to everybody, just because I'm wearing a dress and walking alone they think they have the right to blah blah blah. But I never really thought of what my body, specifically, meant to them and means to the culture at large.
An extremely insensitive, tactless, and misinformed comment my dad made to me in the car a few days ago finally brought it home. We were having one of those big heart-to-hearts, the same one we have every time I come home from school, in which he dissects what he thinks is my mental and emotional state based on I don't know what. This time he said that, when my breasts are "on display" like they are "all the time," it's an "invitation for rape." He doesn't know that I've been raped, and that comment of his was extremely hard for me to hear. Does he want me to wear burlap sacks? Walk with a hunch? I don't know how what I'm supposed to do with that comment. Who decided that breast size is in direct proportion to sheer amount of sexuality? My breasts are just a body part like any other. It's not my thick thighs or big nose or size 8 feet that have those sexual connotations, though I have just as much control of those things as I do my breast size; that is to say, none. They're just traits, and don't mean anything. Large breasts, however, mean something. The patriarchy has decided that a person with large breasts is a sexual person for as long as their breasts are "nice" and in the "too big" range. If I'm rushing to class ten minutes late, the harasser sees my big boobs coming down the street and thinks I'm on my way to see him for a beer. If I'm showing my parents a piece of artwork I'm proud of they tell me to put on a jacket because I look like a whore. This happens in crew neck tops. Even in a high necked, black dress, on a dark night, my chest is the first thing many men comment on.
I didn't put that symbol on my body. I'm in a sexual mood just as often as everybody else is, not 24 hours a day as the patriarchy would have us believe. Is there a way to dress and look nice and still be considered a full person when I step outside my door, and not just a breast transporter? I just want to own my own body and be in control of what it says. I don't know why that has to be so hard.
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Uuuuugh.
As someone with the same problem, I hear you. I can put on the exact same outfit as a smaller, flatter woman and on her it would be "cute" but on me it would be "vulgar." If I could even FIND the same outfit since 99% of cute clothing is cut for small-chested women.
Yes I have giant cans. My bra size extends into a part of the alphabet most people don't realize they use for bras (G). Yes I like v-necks. They lengthen and flatter. Yes frequently a v-neck shows a little boob. That doesn't make me dirty or hyper-sexual or a show-off. If, some deity forbid, I were raped, it wouldn't be because I had on a plunging neck or a push-up bra, it would be because some ass-hat decided he had some sort of ownership over or right to control my body or hatred for it because it's female.
My ta-tas don't mean anything other than the fact that my body decided the two bags of tissue and adipose cells on the front of my body needed to keep growing. They mean I take after the other women in my family, one side being prone to ample figures in general, the other having Italian curves.
They mean I fall outside what the fashion industry has decided it should supply most clothing for. They mean I am limited in my choice of shirts/dresses and have to go to expensive specialty stores for bras (big boobs and small back is the worst - "normal" stores don't stock G cups, but plus stores don't stock 34 backs). They mean I get the more vulgar kinds of catcalls, especially in warm weather when the girls aren't masked by a coat. They mean some men don't talk to my face.
But they're MY boobs. They're part of my body; they're here to stay (I wouldn't get a reduction unless they were causing me serious pain). They, and how I choose to display or not display them, are MY business.
SO many thoughts just flooded my mind.
(I'm a double D)
I'm sorry for your fathers misinformed or not well thought out comments.
You may tell him that you are not responsible for the actions of other people.
You can relate this story:
I was with my son and god son in New Orleans, heading towards the trolley when we heard a commotion on Canal Street.
Apparently a woman was walking, completely nude, down the middle of the very busy street.
One man ran towards her and covered her with his jacket and helped her out of the middle of the street.
I wanted my boys to know that no matter what another person says, does or appears as, i wanted them to respond with respect for themselves and the other person, to "be a gentleman".
Now, the self defense practicing Diva that I am also wants to tell your father that high heels and long nails are an assault deterrent.
That no matter what, men, women and children are assaulted every day and the actions of a criminal are the responsibility of the criminal.
No one, certainly not his daughter, asks for it.
Can we do something to protect ourselves? Yes.
Is it our fault if that fails? No.
I do suggest self defense courses, especially ones that have us yell, "NO!".
I do know that people effed with me less when I looked like a punk rocker and had spikes coming out of my shoulders and off of a chain I carried as I walked in Detroit in the 80's.
Does that mean we should all walk around looking like a Mad Max extra?
Doesn't your father realize that he looks like a victim to a predator too?
Maybe he does?
Maybe he avoids certain neighborhoods and locks his doors when he sees someone unfamiliar in the street.
Maybe he is a father who is scared at the thought of his daughter being hurt and obviously didn't go about asking you to employ self defense tactics in the right way.
They are your breasts, they are a part of you. Uglification doesn't make a woman any safer than having long nails and wearing spiky heals or carrying keys n a way that shows you know how to fight.
Oh god do I know how you feel.
I was a late bloomer, so I can say that I've lived in both worlds for quite some time. I was about 16 or 17 when my breasts grew "big" as in 34 D.
Before that, I wore small or big B's for most of my teenage existence. When I was smaller-breasted, I got attention, but it wasn't necessarily the kind that made you cringe and want to wear baggy clothes. It was the kind that was just creepy, but at least I didn't want to detach myself from my tits.
I also noticed the difference of tone from friends and family and acuatences. "OMG Sarah where did those comes from? They grew overnight!"
And then people, even your friends, begin to identify you only by your boobs:
"Sarah, you know, little sarah with the big boobs"
"Sarah with the huge boobs"
I love my boobs and body but it was definitely a weird transition and people view you differently and talk to you differently. Girls treat you like shit because they feel at competition with you.
Not that I'm all weepy and shit but having big tits is not all shits and giggles!
Oh yeah, another nickname people called me was "Tits Mcgee"
I laughed my ass off at first, but it does seem like if you have big boobs, that's all you have, that's all you are. You are no longer a whole person. You're just a pair of tits.
Of course all women deal with this, but ladies with a huge rack do definitely deal with some shit.
Thank you so much for writing this. As a young person (I turned 15 a week ago) with the same problem, I know how this feels, especially at a young age. This past summer, while I was walking to the library, some guy decided to honk and yell something obscene at me. I realize I was wearing a tank top and shorts, but you would be, to-it was ninety degrees out. It made me feel so...violated. I get the same feeling everytime some guy at school looks at them and not me, or even when my smaller-chested friends comment on how "lucky" I am. Anyway, thanks for expressing something that I have always felt in better words than I could.
I am really sorry that you experienced this. Thank you for sharing.
Ugh, I went into 7th grade with a 32D. So most of my life I have been experiencing sexual harassment. I'm an adult now but my junior high years were the worst. I was groped everyday in the hallways by more than one person and none of the teachers or staff would do anything about it. I was kind of a goth and known for being a "slut" (although I didn't lose my virginity until I was 16, which is honestly beside the point.)Even my female teachers bought into this "slut" myth and always treated me like it was my fault or I was somehow asking for it.
I remember one time I had on a v-neck shirt. I'm sure some cleavage was showing, but it wasn't any different than the shirts my peers were wearing. Anyways, a boy was trying to throw grass or something down my top and in front of my ENTIRE class she told me to never wear that shirt to school again or I would be sent to the principal's office.
On a side note I now have SEVERE back problems from slouching.
Your father is worng. There is no such thing as an "invitation to rape", since rape by it's very NATURE is uninvited.
Just once I'd like to hear someone go "Hey, anyone who's considering committing rape--it's YOUR responsibility not to do it!"
Rustyspoons, you are mistaken. We as women, must make a conscious effort to get raped less (snark).
I've always thought it ridiculous that we need anti-rape education. Not raping is really simple - DON'T RAPE PEOPLE! Obviously the cultural issues here run so deep that unfortunately it will call for major education to start remedying this issue, but I think this starts in the home. We need to tell men that you don't have an inherent right to sex with your wife, we need to tell teenage boys that the myths that the victim-blamers put out that boys can't control themselves is BULLSHIT, and we need to tell our sons and our brothers that if you really can't contain it, you were blessed with hands for a reason, even if that really isn't the point.
God, I feel like that was entirely un-eloquent. My point is, the burden of preventing rape needs to be on the rapists, not the victim.
I'd like to give a different perspective.
I have small breasts, about 32 B, and I couldn't have cleavage if I tried. However, I have been sexualized, harassed, stalked, and mistreated also. I think it's easy to link any sexual harassment to one's breasts, but it's really not that simple. I'm just as vulnerable as anyone with a D cup breast, because rapists don't wait around for the victim with the biggest breasts. Let's not make the same mistake her father did, which is to link the two things.
In a really messed up way, your dad was trying to protect you. I'm pretty sure my parents would do the same thing. I don't have the same problem that you do, but I've had many discussions with my parents about them. They'll say that some women shouldn't dress the way they do because it's dangerous. Meanwhile, I'm shouting that you should be able to walk around naked and be safe, but it usually falls on deaf ears. This is a huge societal problem that we have - victim blaming.
I don't have any suggestions for you but I did want to say that I think you're pretty incredible for feeling so comfortable with your body.