*Just to warn everyone upfront, this is a rant. I don't know if this is the kind of stuff people want to read about on Feministing, but I thought there might be someone here who can relate...
You know, I remember the exact day it started. It started when I was researching birth control. I was about to get married, and I knew nothing about it.I didn’t even know that if you were on the pill, you had to take it everyday, and I certainly didn’t know you had to take it at the same time everyday. I didn’t learn about it from my mom, who thought the pill was dangerous and whose preferred birth control method during the 1970s was the diaphragm. (Do people still use those?) And I certainly didn’t learn about it in my abstinence only sex education classes. I had to research it myself, the old fashioned way – on Google. Somewhere in between reading about estrogen, progesterone and cervical mucus, I stumbled across an article about how some pharmacists were refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control and emergency contraception. I was outraged, I couldn’t believe it… someone could actually refuse to fill a prescription that my doctor wrote me based on “moral grounds”?! Yes, I was getting married, but what if I wasn’t? That was the moment, right then and there - there was no turning back. I was a feminist.
Growing up, especially growing up in a religious circles, the word “feminist” always had a negative connotation. You did not want to be a “feminist” because they were crazy man-hating psychos who didn’t shave their legs. So I never really gave women’s issues much thought until, ironically enough, I was about to get married.
I secretly began to do more and more research and kept finding stories about women who were raped and not told that they had the option to take emergency contraception, women who asked for emergency contraception only to be told their doctor "didn't believe in it", and women who were getting physicals in preparation for the adoption process only to be told their doctor wouldn't sign off it because she didn't have a husband.
I read about women who were shamed for the choices they made or who weren't given the opportunity to make a choice at all. I read about how some women were getting raped and then blamed for it because they had a drink at a party, or went out by themselves at night, or wore a low cut top, or "looked like they were asking for it." I read about domestic violence and realized that many women couldn't get out of those bad relationships because they were afraid and because they didn't have the resources to make it on their own.
I read about Lilly Ledbetter who retired from GoodYear Tire Company and after talking to some coworkers realized that she had not been getting paid as much as her male coworkers over the years for doing the same job. Her case got brought to the Supreme Court and they did indeed find that she had been discriminated against but did not rule in her favor because "she could have, and should have, sued" when the pay decisions were made, instead of waiting beyond the 180-day statutory charging period. Because she would obviously know within 180 days of her first paycheck that she was being discriminated against.
I've been told that women make less than men because they aren't as aggressive as men, they don't negotiate their salaries as well, and they don't want to take the jobs that pay more because they would rather stay home with their families (you know, like a good woman should). I would argue that when women get assertive in the workplace it is often seen as "bitchy" and they choose not to be aggressive or even assertive because society has told them that "ladies don't do that" and "if you want boys to like you, you need to be coy." And on the flip side, boys are told to go after what they want and be upfront. I would also argue that we shouldn't organize our work life and social policies around the ideal of a male breadwinner providing for a stay-at-home wife because that "ideal" is no longer the norm. (Actually Stephanie Coontz made that argument as well as many others I'm sure - and I most definitely agree) For example, most other industrialized countries provide paid maternity AND paternity leave, they don't work as many hours, or the work solutions are much more flexible. Oh yeah, and they have government subsidized childcare.
Look, I never ran through the streets yelling "Hey, I'm a feminist!!!" but soon my new found revelations began to creep into conversations. I started reading blogs, one in particular called Feministing.com whose tag line is "Young women are rarely given the opportunity to speak on their own behalf on issues that affect their lives and futures. Feministing provides a platform for us to comment, analyze, influence and connect." I thought that was awesome, so I joined their group on Facebook. I changed a couple of my quotes because I was feeling sassy and maybe a little bit empowered. And people began to make comments. Some in particular who I am very close to, and those comments weren't cool.
Some people called me crazy. Some people called me sexist (because I'm "anti-men" now). Some people called me extreme. I've told people that women make 77 cents for every dollar earned by a man and been accused of making it up. Well I just found it Forbes, CNN, and the US Census Bureau. Some people don't want me to become a political activist. They said "that's not who you are." If I'm a feminist, I must be scary. I must've gone off the deep end. I must not be feminine. Well I'm calling bullshit. I think that most women identify with the values of feminism which is simply advocating for social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men. And if you think that sexism doesn't exist because "women can vote and drive!" (yes I was told that) then you are deluding yourself. I am not "anti-men" nor am trying to alienate of the men in my life. I've just realized that there are several issues that are unique to women or affect women in disproportionate numbers and I've happened to take an interest in these issues. Even though they haven't happened to me personally, it's still personal because laws that are being created around these issues (a lot of which do more harm than good) that could potentially affect me. And so what if it doesn't affect me personally? That doesn't mean you shouldn't care about it! No one argues that when people take an interest in other issues like fighting cancer, or hunger, or poverty. And just because I have made myself aware of women's issues does not mean that I am oblivious to or don't care about other issues. That doesn't mean "I don't care about men."
I'm really sick of this crap. I'm sick of taking it from seemingly everyone I know. And I know the easiest thing to do would be to just shut up about it, remove myself from the Feministing Group on Facebook, and put more appropriate quotes on my profile like depressing song lyrics, but I do not choose to that. In fact all the shit I've been getting on this has inspired me to do even more research and while I'm not going to shove it down anyone's throat, if I am asked or ridiculed about it I will be ready with facts from unbiased sources, I will not be ashamed, and I will not apologize. And if you don't like that I care about women's issues, then you don't like me because that is part of who I am.
Yes, I am a feminist. DEAL WITH IT.
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You are awesome and don't believe anyone who says otherwise.
You effing rule.
The passion, the anger, the heightened sense of justice: it all jumps off the page.
This isn't a rant, this a manifesto. And if it is a rant...where can I sign up to hear more?
Word! Truly a Manifesto!
My smile just kept getting bigger and bigger while reading that because I went through the same realization process, and probably the same for a lot of peeps on here :)
I want to spit on people that try to argue with me on feminist issues (maybe one day I'll get mad enough to actually do it) but remember this: She who argues with a fool is nothing but a fool herself. Don't waste energy on morons.
Speaking about quotes..., how about "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others" (George Orwell - Animal Farm)? Do you get what I'm hinting at?
Thank you. I felt so much pride in being a feminist. I appreciate your "rant," and its exactly what I want to read!
I think the reason people are saying "that is not who you are" is because a majority of feminists become so much earlier in their lives, and it becomes a major part of their personality. A lot of that comes from negative stereotypes- people use it as a way to assume how you feel (i.e. "I know you must have hate that because you're a feminist") or to shrug off anything you may have to say ("Don't mind her, she's a feminist.") This happens regardless of when you discover feminism. The problem here is that your friends have negative assumptions of what it means to be a feminist. Like you said, they probably have similar ideals, but won't put it in those terms because they're afraid.
It seems like a lot of these people don't respect you very much. Even if suddenly declaring that you're a feminist did mean you're a different person now (it doesn't) who are they to say you can't change? Who are they to say that "not who you are"? No one has a clearly grasp on who you are than you do.
The best way to help with this problem (but bear in mind, with some people, you can't fix it) is to engage their comments calmly and respectfully. Ask them, "don't you believe in equality for the sexes"? Explain to them that being able to vote and drive isn't good enough when there's still domestic violence and rape. Tell them in different words exactly what feminism means to you. It's likely that they agree with many of the stances, but are just afraid of the words you're using. Explain to them that calling yourself a feminist just means that you want to align yourself with like-minded people in order to bring about change. It doesn't mean you necessarily have to march in the streets (though, that does help sometimes).
And sometimes (but I can't make assumptions here, since I don't know your friends) when you start talking about such big ideas, people assume that you think you're better or smarter than they are because they don't speak the same way or about bigger issues. There's not really anything you can do about that. But don't let it make you feel guilty.
Either way, I like your rant. I'm glad that feminism has awoken all of these feelings for you. Don't ever let it go!
Amen sista!
Yay, Kim! You rock. Don't ever shut up.
I absolutely know what you're talking about! I've never had any qualms about bringing up my feminism in conversation and I have made it abundantly clear on Facebook. Well, I've gotten the "are you a lesbian, now?" question from family members and the "feminism is anti-male" from friends. I've gotten the "I believe in women's equality, but I like men too much to be a feminist" from co-workers. I hate it and I always try to explain how all of those assumptions are wrong. It's hard work, especially since people have such deeply-intrenched beliefs about feminists. One person told me that the dictionary definition of feminism clearly didn't reflect the reality, because feminists were obviously anti-male. When I asked her if she'd actually spoken with any feminists, she admitted that I was the first and that I didn't seem to hate men, but she was still not convinced. Well, keep doing what you're doing! It takes strength and conviction, but from what I've read here, you have it!
AND if you didn't want to shave your legs anymore because you grew tired of certain beauty standards, that would be ok, too!
Don't ever let anyone tell you to shut up, and don't ever shut up!
No one has the right to silence you.
Keep going.
I loved your writing (i won't call it a rant).
And one question, how does your fiance (husband now) feel about this? Not that being a feminist relies on his approval but I'm wondering if he had a negative reaction to it. My BF (yes, I'm female, my screenname is just "some guy" because my boyfriend made the account in order to make a comment on feministing once) has told me that he is embarassed for his friends to find out I'm a feminist. Pathetic, right? So I had to reason. I decided to lie to him, and told him I wasn't a feminist any more. I thought to myself, guys lie all the time to get "get the girl". I want the "hott" boyfriend and the feminist ideals. I told him he was more important to me than feminism (not). Keep in mind that I never shoved feminism down his throat. No, all I did was quietly read feministing on a daily basis and he would have a fit. After I told him I wasn't a feminist anymore, he stopped griping and expressed great joy that (he believed) i wasn't a feminist anymore. I continued to look at feministing, only not in his presence. So even though I didn't change a single thing about what I said or did (except reading this blog at a different time) I got him to calm down. I guess that proves people are more angry about the title of feminist than a feminist's actual actions. Because now I'll go to feministing in front of him and he won't have a conniption anymore. I guess he realizes how stupid he was to 1) try to deny a big part of my beliefs and 2) think that i was a completely different person overnight, just because I told him i wasn't a feminist anymore.
My boyfriend still has some issues with my feminism, but I've learned to pick my battles with him. I haven't ever denied being a feminist though. I think if it ever came to that, I'd have to end it with him. I couldn't be with someone who only liked me when I lied about myself.
I am interested to hear about how other people deal with this issue though. It seems to be pretty common.
I absolutely loved reading this...I could relate to it a LOT and I think a lot of others can too :) Don't get me wrong...I enjoy being a feminist, but there are times that I wish it didn't come with a title that immediately causes people to dismiss me. But yes, don't EVER shut up :) keep talking...because as you can see there are a LOT of people that are interested in what you have to say :)
Yes, I am a feminist. DEAL WITH IT.
Here, here! Say it loud and proud, sister!
Feministing (and the I AM Planned Parenthood fan page!) are on my Facebook page, too. I even *gasp* call myself a feminist in my info.
Yea.. I totally get where you're coming from.
Props to you for saying it, and more importantly, living it.
You just articulated everything I would have said when I first became a feminist if I had had someone to sound off to. Don't get old and cynical like me; if I find someone doesn't even get even the most basic element of feminist thought I might try to explain, I'm more likely now to let it go with a huge "FUCK YOU" than to give the topic the time and explanation it deserves. I think I've discovered that the only bad thing about being a feminist is discovering that you can't reason with an unreasonable person, and yes, there are many, many unreasonable people out there.
Another point of view....
I remember coming across this notion in one of my feminist lit crit readings. Let's see if I can paraphrase: you shouldn't always feel obligated to educate people about feminism. Some people don't *want* to understand; they want to waste your time with arguments and eat up your energy. That takes precious minutes away from living a good feminist life. The best way to lead is sometimes by example, so if you sense that you're wasting your breath on someone who isn't truly interested in learning about it, walk away. If they can't appreciate a different point of view, bad on them.
I thought that was a refreshing suggestion. We all get tired sometimes. :)
I'm reminded of a great piece of advice Robert Jensen gave to my school's Women's Center when he came to speak: Instead of lecturing someone about why something they did was offensive, turn it around and make them explain themselves. If someone tells a sexist joke, pretend like you genuinely don't get it. Most of the time, having to explain why something sexist is funny will make them see what the problem is, or at least make them embarrassed.
Angering people is all part of it, whether you do it actively or not. Personally, I found that after a while of feeling overwhelmed and bad about the negative responses I got due to my feminism, I actually started to thrive on them in a way. It feels amazing when you reach that comfort level with yourself and you can actually feel empowered and confident when you face off with a woman-hater. Silencing women is one of their favorite things to do, and if you deprive them of that ability, they often don't know what to do and back off quickly.
You made this man tear up, thats for sure. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Being a male feminist seems to frustrate (and even infuriate) many of my family and friends. I love 'em, but fuck 'em, I won't shut up either.
Thanks for your post, you're awesome!
Squee! Hooray for you! I grew up in a conservative family, town and with conservative freinds. It was like I knew something was very wrong with the way "things are" for women. Being in that environment made it hard to get the information I needed and to put a name to it.
Once I realized that there is a social system that owes its existence to keeping women in the dark about the fact that they are humans with rights... well, it was like seeing clearly for the first time.
I don't try to engage die-hard conservative family or friends in conversations about feminism (well, anymore I should say). Your family and friends that are "bingo"-ing your feminism may be really INVESTED in the patriarchy, and them NOT inveighing against it in public may be socially dangerous for them. Even if they privately agree with you, they may argue in public with you merely to hang on to their sense and image of belonging in that system. Belonging to a group is an important human need and to suggest that a woman's "belonging" in a patriarchical system is merely dependent on her willingness to be a helpmeet/sexslave can really, REALLY create some relationship-ending arguments.
You're gonna go through some uncomfortable social moments, that's a fact. Just don't let that stop you.
GO YOU!!!! Some people think I'm some kind of lunatic because I am apparently the minority (among 14 year-olds anyway) and a girl in my class actually asked why there weren't "men-ists" and yet I'm the one who gets laughed at.
Snaps for being a young, unashamed feminist. Keep it up! High schools need more feminists like you.
Well said.
:)
THANK YOU!!! This is awesome - I've come to very similar realizations in recent months. It's changed me, and quite a few people that thought they had me pegged were weirded out. I can definitely relate!
I agree with the above posters - this is not a rant, this is a manifesto!
Nice post. Made me feel kinda sh*tty though cuz I remember when I first got into feminism, my family gave me a really hard time about it and now I rarely bring it up with them. They think I've 'outgrown that phase', as they put it, which is totally infuriating of course. I wore Jessica's 'end patriarchy' shirt at home a few times and got such a barrage of hostile questioning that I ended up throwing it out. I guess I'm not as brave as you. But reading your post filled me with conviction again and I think I'm gonna buy that shirt again. I got a similar comment to what you got; my family told me that if I truly believed in feminism, I wouldn't feel the "need" to wear shirts and display it publicly. How f*cked up is that reverse psychology? Kind of like saying if you were truly comfortable with your opinions, you wouldn't feel the need to voice them. Ever. What have they been smoking, seriously. But sadly their words worked and I became filled with doubt and I chickened out. I'm still a hardcore feminist, I just don't share it with them because I don't like getting questioned and criticized, I have a really low tolerance for that. Anyway, I hope I'm as brave as you are one day.
making an assumption here, but is your family christian? if they are, a nice reply might be to ask them why they feel a need to talk about their religion? using their logic, if they believe so strongly, they would never want to tell anyone about it or try to convert anyone.
*note - this is not meant to imply that all christians are anti-feminist, or even that they all evangelize. but, having grown up in the south, it's a fair bet that they might be.
Naw, my family is Muslim actually. Not too religious in practice, but in mindset, definitely. I'm not though! I'm the superintellectual-spiritual-not-religious-feminist-anarchist in the family! =D wooo!
Great post! I remember a specific incident at my family doctor when I was 18...I disclosed to my doctor that I was on birth control and he informed me that I was "too young to be on birth control." He was clearly "concerned" that I was um...doing...you know...that thing that only married ladies do. There is still a great deal of slut shaming that goes on. That's one of hundreds of reasons why feminism exists.
Thank you all so much for your comments. I feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone!
I love you. Seriously.
Go you! This post was very inspiring, both for feminists who are now just going through that "enlightenment" stage and those who have been around the block (but really, aren't we constantly being enlightened all the time? It never stops). I was certainly inspired by it (and by the comments- I replied to three people on my way down to the bottom to write my own!).
I want to echo the sentiment that this IS a manifesto! This piece of writing is something to be very proud of. No need for the disclaimer in the beginning.
Keep asserting yourself. Keep openly identifying as feminist. The more people who are brave enough to do that, the closer we get to ending patriarchy.
Insert Internet hug, high five and pound here.
That was amazing. THANK YOU
I want a t shirt that says, "No, actually, I WON'T shut up."
With your permission, I'd love to post this "rant" on my blog and of course, I'll link back to here.
But you pretty much summed up why feminists are still pissed off and ready to stand up for women to get deserved respect, equality, and stop being LABELED all the damn time!
I would be honored :)
btw feel free to correct typos - I know there are several. I guess that happens when emotions are running high and you are typing really fast!
Your post moved me. And inspired me :) THANK YOU!!
Another dude-feminist here just chiming in with much love for this piece. I'm still getting my bearings when it comes to the feminist movement, but I absolutely don't miss the way I used to think about women and women's rights.
I totally understand what you're going through.
I didn't start identifying as feminist until about two years ago, after I took Women's Studies 101 at my community college and found it fascinating. Now I'm a Gender and Women's Studies major at a State University (My Dad: "What the heck are you going to do with THAT major?"), and have spent countless hours both in and out of school researching all topics related to feminism. But yet, I still have trouble dealing with the people in my life that were around before my feminist epiphany and are...less educated on the subject.
In particular, there was one male friend I'd known for years that I avoided even mentioning it to because, at the time, I didn't want to make him feel censored or like he couldn't be himself around me. This same individual has been making the same sexist "jokes" ad naseum for over four years. I say "jokes" because they're really just offensive statements he says in a joking tone ("But everyone knows women can't drive!", "Woman, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!", "Silly woman, thinking you're smarter than men") Often he would use these "jokes" to effectively shut me down or get the final word in a friendly debate, because how could I respond to it in a way that wouldn't get me called "humorless" or "taking it too seriously"?
After keeping mum for awhile, I realized that by not saying anything I was only hurting myself by sacrificing my own chance at feeling comfortable around him. So one day while hanging out with him I replied to one of his frequent sexist outbursts with "Hey, I'm kind of into feminism now, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't make offensive jokes like that"
His reply? A partronizing, half-joking "Oh, honey...choosing feminism is like picking the wrong religion!" Then he condescendingly assured me that he KNEW feminism was the "wrong choice" because he'd had experience with lots of "bad" feminists at college! It was impossible for me express to him how uncomfortable he was making me feel by what he considered "joking around", as he refused to even take my concerns or beliefs seriously. This is one of my biggest feminist pet peeves, being treated with condescension and considered "silly". 'Cause gender equity is totally a silly thing to care about, right? Anyway, I can recognize a hopeless struggle when I saw it and so I just quietly extricated myself from his life.
Anyway, sorry for the total tl;dr comment. Just know that there are a ton of women here who know EXACTLY what you're going through, and how insanely frustrating it can be.
I know exactly what you mean; I have recently discovered my feminist roots and I feel great about it. I work in at a bar in a small, narrow-minded town, so my views go over like a lead balloon. I appreciate this site greatly; I feel I'm not alone in my views. I'm glad to be a part of something so refreshing!
You sound exactly like me. I feel that I'm exactly where you are in my feminist education. Great "rant."
I'm kinda late on this, but just wanted to add that I love your *Manifesto*! Your passion and excitement are so evident in your writing and it's great! Rock on. :)
Three words for you, sister sufferegett: You. Go. Girl.
Word.
I'm always arguing with people that are like, "yeah, I'm not a feminist..." and I'm like, "Are you happy earing 76-78cents for every dollar a man makes? Are you okay with being discriminated against in the workplace? Are you okay with being passed up for promotions? Are you okay with all the fucked up double standards society has for men and women? Does it make your life any easier?"
And usually, whoever will insist that they find all those things unfair. Um, well, in my dictionary, if you care about women, you are a feminist in denial. When you stand up for the rights for women, you are a feminist.
:)
Word.