Are my two biggest fears.
I know, I know, many people I tell that to laugh at me and tell me when I'm ready to have kids, I'll want to, but at this moment, I don't ever think I'll want to.
As an almost 16 year old, my mother believes I have no reason whatsoever to even think about becoming pregnant. (I love her so much. But her motto is if she isn't getting any, there's no way in hell I am :D) She says her pregnancies (I have an elder sister) were pretty good, but she wishes she didn't have to get c-sections.
The mention of a c-section sends shivers down my spine. I can't stand the thought of a flipping KNIFE cutting through my ABDOMINAL MUSCLES to get some filmy sea monkey extracted.
But I guess some people think it's worth it if it turns cute in a couple hours. :DD
Spoiler warning
But what do you do when you become pregnant? All I hear about is throwing up and feeling like you have your own orbital system. Plus, in the book I'm reading, 4th book in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn (I hate it. So much. But I have to finish it.), Bella goes from throwing up, to feeling kicks and movements, to being close to dead, to getting ribs and bones broken, to a bloody and gory c-section by Eddie-kins teeth. I know since it's a shit-book it's probably a shit-representation, but still...
*shudder*
I really don't mean to insult anyone who has children, or who is planning to have a family, but I don't know what it's about. What do you do? What do you do concerning your job? Will you have to quit your job if you have a kid? My current goal in life is to get a job, so anything that will impede or hurt my goal is something I don't look forward to.
Ugh, my generation is so uninformed on SO many levels. :(
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Hollywood and fiction and far too may pregnancy advice books all seem to do their best to make pregnancy and childbirth seem grueling and horrific.
Pregnancy isn't a cakewalk. But most of the nausea is from low blood sugar. Higher blood volume means that heat is more taxing. Fatigue is a problem. And yes, there are health risks.
As for childbirth, I DESPISE how TV and movies depict it. Always the woman is on her back, the worst possible way to give birth. Ugh! Childbirth is made worse by fear. It also isn't a cakewalk, but it's not as bad as TV and movies make it seem.
I have had 4 children, all without anesthesia of any kind. For most of labor, it is an intense athletic event needing endurance, but standing up walking around and moving help so much. Being forced to be still makes it painful.
My sister the marathon runner wonders if she'll be able to do it. I'm uncertain I could ever complete a marathon.
Cesareans are surgery, sometimes necessary, often not. I went with midwives, and have never had one. I also had a baby with a 36 cm head circumference, which is freaking huge. Shopping around for an OB provider is essential to preventing unnecessary Cesareans.
As for work, you are currently entitled to 12 weeks off unpaid once the baby is born (and a month prior to your due date unless complications get you put on disability early). In California, you have the option to take 12 more weeks off unpaid for bonding, but your job is no longer protected after that.
Your social support system, like your mother and family and the baby's father, will determine how well you'll be able to juggle baby and work. Infant care is extremely expensive.
Our country is deplorable about maternity/paternity leave. Canada provides a year off. Insurance is also terrible; far too many do not grant maternity coverage.
Don't let literature and TV and movies strike fear in you. They are terribly unrealistic. Pregnancy and childbirth and parenting all have their challenges, and society continues to make sure that they do, but the mass media just makes everything even more scary.
You don't have to become a mother.
I don't recommend it.
I am a mother and while there are joys, there is tremendous responsibility, tremendous worry, incredible challenges that make the gorey birth process seem like a walk in the park.
There is nothing more challenging that mothering. If you ever do decide to do it
make sure you are prepared to do it alone, because when the shit hits the fan, as it often does with relationships,
the mother is left alone to raise the child.
Often without so much as child support payments.
With the social stigma that still exists for single mothers and their children (our children get treated differently at school).
I don't think the media examines how daunting it is, how painful it is, how all consuming it is.
For instance, in films, you don't see that the mother who wanted to breast feed had a child with latch on problems-
you don't see her cracked and bleeding nipples, her engorgement...How bout the lovely child with the reflux?
You don't see them stitching the vulva after natural birth tearing or how long and horrid it feels to recover from c-sections.
In the media it's glossed over, home birth or hospital birth it is the most dangerous and painful thing most women will ever go through.
In reality, women without the means to take care of a high needs child, have high needs children and cant afford to buy themselves underwear, let alone a CD and a nice dress or a night out.
It's healthy to be wary of Motherhood.
It's ok to choose not to have a child. It's ok to choose to adopt or foster.
It's OK to make choices your mother wont understand
and it's OK to do what you can to prevent pregnancy.
Once a woman becomes a mother, it's like walking through a door and into a room you can't leave for at least 20 years, and even then, you are only allowed to leave it in a part time way.
Be careful. Use birth control when you become sexually active. Do the research and have a list of successful women who chose not to become mothers for those people who think all women want to have children and are unfulfilled without them-
it's bull shit
there are more and more women choosing not to become mothers.
You may be one of them.
Pregnancy and motherhood are as variable as individual people are. Each experience is different, even though there are some recognizable milestones that everyone goes through. Everyone goes through puberty, for example, but it's a different experience for each person. If you were my daughter, I'd recommend that you make a committment to use birth control and be choosy with sex partners while you explore what your goals are for your personal and work life. Actually screw that "if you were my daughter" part, that's what I'd recommend to anybody anywhere. Pregnancy is gross, scary, uncomfortable, and all of that. It's also amazing, joyful, beautiful, and all of that sappy stuff too. Same for the birth process, same for parenthood. And, in a different way, same for other processes in life- high school, falling in love, getting established in a career. Becoming a parent is a big deal, but it's not the only big deal in life, and it's not a requirement.
If you want to learn more, I'd ditch the fiction and ask people for first-hand accounts. If you're interested, I documented my whole pregnancy and birth, in gory detail, here:
http://pregnena.livejournal.com/2005/07/09/
I tried to be as honest as I could with it. Remember, though, what I said about everyone's experience being different. Ask lots of people.
Yes and in particular, research the experience of parents of teens, not just babies and toddlers. Research the experiences of parents whose children became addicts or had other challenges they found our were born with, regardless of how or where they were raised. Listen to single mothers who are divorced and once believed they would be supported stay at homes or the business women whose career had to change radically because you really can't do both in most cases.
Don't just listen to the many out there who describe it through rose tinted glasses.
Find the women who are brave enough to be real about it.
And dont forget to ask why is it that I (as a female)am looking up all this stuff and evaluating this and that, while boys the same age arent. They get to slack off on this kind of thing and end up being half-asses and unrealistic about these things while females have to worry about career/life balance, pregnancy descrimination and bodily scars. This sheds light on societal expectations and gender.Hopefully if you decided you want kids, you'd insure that you both balance childrearing and housecare and buck the sexist parental roles that make women take on everthing and ensure that the "father" simply get to "play" with their kids. And of course, theres nothing wrong with not wanting kids (which is what I choose). I guess to help better evaluate, discern and gain some clarity on the issue is to decide whether or not you want kids (long after the pregnancy and birth is over). Maybe you'd use a surrogate?Maybe you'll be a brilliant doctor that invents a way that men can get pregnant? It also seems that your worry is mainly over having a cesarean section.Not all births have to be that way :)
I don't ever want to get pregnant/have a baby either, so you're not alone. At risk of sounding like a horrid, awful person, I really don't like children.
You can adopt though, if you ever decide you want kids but don't want to risk the c-section stuff. That's the way I would go. There's so many kids sitting in foster homes or group homes just waiting for someone to adopt them, and for a lot of them it doesn't happen. :-(
You're not a bad person for not liking kids. Lots of people don't (this is coming from somebody who loves children, btw).
Your mother is right on one thing--at 16 you have plenty of time to figure this stuff out for yourself.
Maybe you will want a child when you get older. Maybe. Maybe you will decide to remain childfree. Either way, I wish people wouldn't laugh at you and tell you WHEN (not IF, but WHEN) you're ready to have kids blah blah blah. This just plays into the assumption that every woman wants to be a mother. Not so.
On a side note, Edward performs a C-section with his TEETH? Sorry, I never read these books, but everything I hear about them just gets more and more preposterous! LOL.
Yeah! I remember being told since I was 3 that I would change my mind when I got older. Nope!I'm 24 and still dont want kids. As a matter of fact, the more I read about it (I'm a bit of a tocophobe and was trying to quell my anxiety torwards pregnant women by educating myself-I know-I'm nuts...anyways) and learn about kids, pregnancy and parenthood the more I DONT want to be a parent.
It is totally fine to not want to be pregnant or to not have children. Contrary to pop culture messages, PLENY of women find happiness and fulfillment through other means. And if you do want children there are other ways to do that - adoption for example.
That being said, I have felt the same way as you at times, but have recently found out that I am pregnant. For me it's an interesting journey so far and I am excited about the idea of being a parent now. I am 28 years old however, and up until earlier this year I was content not to think about it.
one of the things I have been noticing about myself is that I was kind of afraid of childbirth because it seemed so 'mysterious' to me. There were too many variables and not enough daily talk about the realities of it, other than the negative portrayal or unrealistic 'virtue' of it. How common miscarriages are for example. I had NO idea how common they were. I think it is one of those things that aren't talked about very much and so if it happens to you, you feel more alone than you should.
It has helped me to read about midwives and doulas perspective and philosophy of childbirth. Some books that I am reading now that are helping me 'de-mystify' this experience (and women's health in general) are "For Her Own Good" by Barbara Ehrenreich and Deirdre English and "Opting In" by Amy Richards. Both I find have a strong feminist perspective.