(Warning this could trigger victims of Sexual Assault)
Sometimes I wish I wasn't a survivor. Actually I do wish I wasn't a damn survivor. I wish that I was never molested and raped as a kid. But it happen. And up until recently, I had blacked out my whole childhood. Deciding to completely forget my past. I mean what you can't remember wont hurt you right?
And that worked, for a bit at least. Now here I am having one of the toughest week's I've ever had as a survivor of sexual abuse. All I can think of is what happened to me. All the things I blacked out, well they are vivid in my mind now.
And what makes it worse, is that the person who did all this fucked up shit to me was my own father. My own fucking father molested me.
I use to always deny he did anything, I didn't want my mom to feel even worse about keeping us in that situation until I was old enough so that we could fight for termination of his parental rights and I could tell a judge I really didn't want him as my father. I never wanted my mom to feel like it was her fault. Cause it wasn't her fault. She was abused. He would verbally abuse her and sometimes physically abuse her. She couldn't leave that situation for fear of him killing us. And he tried. The one thing I was always able to remember before my flashbacks started was how when I was around three years old, he put a gun to my head. I remember it. And it's crazy. Cause I was a baby. But I remember my mom begging him to stop; I remember her face, and her tears going down her face as she tried to figure out how to calm him down. So the last thing I wanted to do was tell her that her now ex husband, my father, molested me. I can't even believe im writing this.
But I need to get this out right now. All I can fucking see in my head right now is him, him fuckin touching me, him doing things to me…all I can see is that. And I just want it to go away so bad. But its not. And it affects me in the way I have relationships. I honestly hate men. I hate what my dad did to me, I hate what the neighbor boy did to me, and I hate what my friends have had done to them by men. I fucking hate them. Maybe, I don't know, maybe that's why im gay. Because I can't deal with that anymore. Maybe its why basically all my friends are gay? Since basically every lesbian I know was raped or molested. I don't know.
But I do know even though im not with a man, it still fucking affects me. When I get into a sexual relationship, Im pretty up front. I tell the person I will get triggered sometimes and freak out, so if I say stop just go on to something else.
Yet sometimes people don't get that. They don't get why if I say I love them or if im in a relationship with them I would freak out having sex with them. They tell me that once I learn to cope and get this all out that I won't freak out again. BULL FUCKIN SHIT. No matter what. Im going to freak out. I'm gonna have flash backs of what he did to me. And it sucks. And I wish I wasn't a fucking survivor. I wish I was normal and none of this happened to me. But it did.
And I am a survivor and if you cant deal with me freaking out, if you cant learn to understand why im freaking out, if you cant just hold onto me and tell me you love me and you are here for me and you will never ever let someone hurt me again then fuck you. And if I ever hear someone tell a survivor that they need to just let go and forget about it, im gonna fucking punch you. Because we can't let go. We fucking wish we could. Trust me all I wish I could do was be normal, and have sex with the person I love without freaking out, without crying…I fucking wish I could just not have to think about my fucking fathers hands inside of me. I fucking wish I couldn't feel him doing it. God do I fucking wish. But I fucking can. And so all I can fucking ask of you, if you haven't had anything like this happen to you, if you were one of the lucky few who haven't please just learn to understand. Cause survivors need people who understand and who are willing to listen to us. Like really listen to what we have to say. Because when we do choose to tell you what happened to us, and we do choose to start talking, that is fucking huge. So just please listen….
(I wrote this last night, and am putting this in the new issue of my zine Riot-GRRRLife as a way to cope to get this out there)
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My dad physically abused me when I was that age too, and I recently found out that he sexually abused me too. Recently like two days ago. I've started talking to the people at http://www.pandys.org/ and I'm starting to sort out my feelings, they are really supportive. You are really strong, just remember that you are never alone.
I am so sorry he treated you that way. Of course you cannot just "let go" and move on. In fact, if you've been in denial, it probably feels like this all happened just yesterday. You're reeling. Of course you are. I'm sorry that your lovers have not understand.
You won't "just forget it" -- if anything you are entitled to those feelings of anger, betrayal and deep wounding -- but you will walk on. Over time, some of it will fade to a dull roar. You will love. You will trust -- when you have found someone truly worthy of your confidence, and when you have TESTED that person for as long as necessary -- and you will give of yourself completely, and you will receive.
Right now, take it as it comes. Please do seek out others who are in this, too. One of the worst aspects of sexual abuse is that the victim feels so alone and confused. There are so many, many survivors. You don't have to be isolated anymore.
Also I meant to thank you for posting this. It is so raw, so honest. Later you may see things differently and even be tempted to polish up some of the less acceptable feelings. But the world needs to hear them all.
Right on with that - if someone can't try to understand you, then they are not worth the time.
You seem to have such a good grasp of what you want in a relationship and your own capabilities. Honestly, it's so good to hear that you're telling your partners what you need. I really think that you will be able to find someone that can understand, in large part because you're so honest and you're trying so hard to cope.
I don't know what to say, because it all sounds so cheesy, but I hope for you.
GOD BLESS YOU. You are right to INSIST and EXPECT that your partner should support you and be PATIENT as you confront triggers and painful memories. I am so sorry for what happened to you. I am also a survivor of child sex abuse/incest and am only beginning to have flashbacks I am afraid of the memories that I have yet to face... You are incredibly strong to face each day with dignity and determination. I am SO SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.