I'm up at 3:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep. So much is irritating me in society, and the lack of respect for teenage girls is what's messing with my head the most. I understand girls my age are under age and we don't really have that many rights until we're 18 but I feel the least a girl can get as a minor is respect as well as not being treated as if she's stupid or she's stupid because she doesn't agree with a certain adult.
Now before I sound too bratty, this topic is about teenagers having sex. I do agree to an extent that some teenagers aren't ready for sex yet but some are. I for one had lost my virginity at 15. Yeah I made a mistake with the first guy but as far as my good choices in sex partners along the way as well as boyfriends along with my knowledge of going on birth control, using condoms, getting tested everytime I get more birth control, and always having a stash of Plan B pills in my room makes me feel like I'm mature enough to make my own desicions in sex.
But it's more than adults telling me that I can't have sex because I don't have knowledge in protecting myself but also adults telling me I'm not emotionally stable either. I can't number how many times an adult has told me because of only being 16, I can't be emotionally ready for sex. I feel like no one can really tell me what I'm mentally able to do and that's just another thing that annoys the crap out of me.
What also annoys me is that this topic of teen sex is more focused on girls than boys. I remember people telling us as teen girls that we need to restrain from sex more than boys because we have reputations to keep in high school and that we don't want to be seen as easy if we engage into sex. Also I remember being told after I lost my virginity that I gave away a special thing and now the guy who falls in love with me will be hurt because I didn't save myself for him. I have yet met a guy that truly cares about my past partners. It also doesn't help when I was told these things in middle school because I could swear it was pounded on the heads of teenage girl to believe this. I recall a funny conversation I had with my cousin about how a girl at her school is a slut if she has a certain number of sex partners. When I asked her what if a guy had the same number of sex partners, she told me that he would be "the man." I asked her why did she find that okay and she couldn't give me a straight answer and just went, "that's life, don't bitch about it." I even remember confiding in her that I had lost my virginity and her telling me I'll regret that I didn't keep my legs closed. Nothing bad really came out of it but her comment still bothered me.
I'm also irritated with the stereotypes sexually active teenagers have. She either has self esteem issues, she has "daddy issues", she had been sexually assaulted in her past life, she's looking for attention, she was seduced or of course, she's just a slut. It makes me mad that girls my age feed into this culture. Majority of my friends are guys and I had any of them judge me on whatever I did with a guy. Of course there were a couple losers that they laugh about but I've gotten more judgement from girl peers than anything as well as grown women.
Why are the females in our culture feeding into this society where teenage girls or women in general don't have sex for pleasure but for many of the stupid reasons I listed above? Is it something we should accept? Is it something that will die out? Or is it a cause we can't win?
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How do you pronounce your name?
I know exactly how you feel. I have a boyfriend that I plan on having sex with, but when I told me best friend this, she told me that 16 is too young to be having sex. She brought up her cousin, who had sex as a teenager, that she frequently calls a "whore." She told me that she didn't want to be a "whore" like her cousin, and she basically said that if I had sex soon, she would think of me as a whore too.
That really made me mad, because she's my friend, but she was judging me on my sexual choices.
Only you can decide what's right for you. Personally, I was 19 when I made the decision you're facing now. I definitely wasn't ready when I was younger, but everyone matures at different rates. Seven years later, I am still confident that I handled things in the way that was right for me. I didn't allow anyone to pressure me into having sex before I wanted to, and I didn't let anyone make me feel guilty about it when I did.
I agree with the OP completely; teenage girls in our society are given some very harmful messages about sex. There's either pressure to do it in order to make someone else happy or to abstain, again in order to make someone else happy. The woman's own wants and desires are never taken into the equation. To me, all this "sex is harmful/dirty/unclean/will ruin you forever" BS (never mind the lies and misinformation fed to kids today) makes it very difficult for some women to transition into healthy sexual relationships later in life.
Any future significant other who views you as somehow "less worthy" or "sullied" because you've had sex with someone else in the past only views you as property. Whether this view is blatant or subconscious, it undermines their ability to see you as an equal partner and truly love you for who you are, which in my opinion, means they're not worth your time. To paraphrase an advice columnist I like to read, unless he sprang fully formed from a religious tract, he can hardly blame you for having a past as well.
That's not a real friend. Tell her off and if she can't handle it, find someone who accepts women as human beings and not as little precious princesses who magically transform into whores when a sexual experience occurs. OMFGNOOOO A PENIS! I AM SURE TO BECOME A WHORES NOW! :-(
I feel like these stereotypes and the taboo of sex at a younger age are preventing teenagers from getting the information about sex that they really need.
When it comes to women, we have been indoctrinated with the virgin/whore complex from such a young age, it's not easy to change. I know how much it hurts to be called a whore or called ‘used’ by people who you thought cared about you, but I find the best thing you can do is challenge women who think that way and make THEM uncomfortable! Ask them where they got those beliefs, whether they would like to be ridiculed for making their own private decisions. I think alot of that sexual prejudice and anger is rooted in that person's own fear of their sexuality and their comfort with people who deviate from 'the norm.’ By confronting them, it might inspire some real thought and introspection. I had a heart-to-heart with a friend in my school who thought the worst things about me when she found out I was having sex, and when I finally sat down with her, she ended up crying and feeling terrible about being so cruel, because she realized I was still the same person and I was still just as valuable as a human being. Even if it fails 99% of the time, opening that one girl’s eyes was enough for me! It was one of the many things that has motivated me to pursue a career in sex education, in the hopes of changing these draconian attitudes!
Now I know I'm going out on this huge limb here, but one of my biggest problems with teenage girls and sex is how little information they get about the fact that it's supposed to be enjoyable! Our messed up American culture is filled with contradictory, confusing, and downright ignorant portrayals of female sexuality. The phallocentric model of sexuality leaves out so much, and I feel like the ‘female chauvinist pig' we see too often nowadays is women conforming to the male model of sexuality. Let's talk about female masturbation, let's talk about communication with partners, let's not be afraid to ask questions and help young girls analyze what they want and when they want to do it. Teenagers, as prone to folly as they might be, are still intelligent, rational beings and deserve to be treated as such.
The problem is…we have enough difficulty even accepting the fact that girls might want to have sex too, let alone teaching them to embrace it?!!?!? I think the "Moral Majority" would spontaneously combust at the mere thought!
Either way, I have certainly been through what you’re going through. I started having sex right after my 15th birthday, with a boyfriend I'd had for several months. I decided when, and I initiated the first time because I felt ready for it. Six years later, I still have ZERO regrets about this choice, or any of the sexual choices I have made since. Contrary to what they’d like you to believe, I haven’t become some disaster story to put in the abstinence-only textbooks. I’m one semester away from a kickass college degree; I have a wonderfully fulfilling personal life, and I’ve learned (through lots of trial and error) to love and embrace sex for all the joy it can bring. I hope you call “bullshit” on those who insult you, because even though it is overwhelming to think about how backwards everything is when it comes to teenage girls and sex, showing people how smart and mature you are can change minds, even if it is only one at a time!
So you honestly believe adults have to allow you to have sex, or they are not respecting you?
If you are determined to have sex, then go for it if you feel must; and I am glad you are your parents' daughter, not mine (not because you want to have sex, but because you feel you must have to be respected).
My parents didn't allow me to have sex before I was 18, but I definitely didn't feel they disrespected me with their rules and guidance.
I'm not going to judge your parents, but please remember that you are their responsibility.
To each there own, but I recommend you remind your parents that there is such a thing as child protective services, and if anything happens to you, then it is going to be their responsibility.
Most teenagers want to have sex, but the smart ones know that sex is lot better after they have finished high-school and are independent.
"I can't number how many times an adult has told me because of only being 16, I can't be emotionally ready for sex."
More correctly I don't think you are physically or socially ready. There is a lot more to sex than emotion and mentality, and it pains me every time I see a underage pregnant body. I also don't think minors should be burdened with the responsibilities of adults, which is exactly what happens if they become pregnant minors.
No one gains respect because they had sex, and of course no one should lose respect because they had sex, but if you want to talk about intelligent; allowing you underage child to have sex is stupid and criminal, and encouraging minors to have sex (even if you are a minor) is likewise stupid and criminal.
Sex is lot more fun when you are fully physically developed, and socially ready to take full responsibility for your actions.
There is no shame in choosing to wait to have sex, just as there is no shame in choosing to have sex, but there are considerably less risky choices one can make in their life, and choosing to have sex before you finish high-school or turn 18 is not worth the risk.
"and I am glad you are your parents' daughter, not mine (not because you want to have sex, but because you feel you must have to be respected)."
I wish I had not written that line, as I will always love my daughter no matter what she says or does, but if my daughter told me that she felt I was not respecting her unless I let her have sex, then I would feel that I had failed as a parent.
I also find it unsettling that you talk about parents “allow[ing]” and “let[ting]” their teenaged daughters have sex. What happened to “my body, my life, my choice”? How is the idea of having to have parental permission to have sex any different from what fathers do at purity balls? Or when people try to pass laws saying that a minor female has to have parental permission to have an abortion? Or pharmacists refusing to sell/dispense condoms and birth control to women they consider unworthy? Or when men say that they would never “let” their female partner have an abortion? What happened to the idea that women are competent human beings and that decisions about their bodies are best left to them?
You also speak about minors and those still in high-school as being inherently unready for sex. I’m curious as to why you make this distinction. I’d also like to know if you consider this any different form abstinence-only sex education courses that tell young people that sex before marriage is inherently wrong, dangerous, and not worth it.
I am against abstinence only training.
And I think the idea of "no sex before marriage" is a bad one.
I have made that point clear on other threads.
"No one gains respect because they had sex"
Um...
I don't think this is true for teenage males...
...
Being a male virgin above a certain age is shameful; consider the premise of the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin".
Certainly not in the eyes of adults.
Adults don't give more respect to underage boys if they have sex (if adults do, then they are not adults in my eyes).
I am equally mortified by the thought of underage boys or girls having sex, and neither underage boys or girls gain more of my respect if they have had sex. They only obtain my sadness.
Svutlov,
There's this underage girl writing about her sexual experiences, and about how she overall feels fine and good about them. Possibly, this is an area of some sensitivity to her, as it is even to most ADULT women. And YOU come on here and call her "stupid" (essentially, in more words...)
To me that says a lot more about you than about the OP.
Do you feel comfortable with what she wrote?
What I consider criminal and stupid is encouraging minors to have (penetrative) sex, even if the person encouraging it is a minor.
Stupid and criminal is still stupid and criminal, even if it is a minor doing it.
I am not going to go any easier on a minor for doing something I would find horrifying if an adult did it.
Though, I don't think minors should be prosecuted as adults.
Shaniquequa E.'s post remind of those girls (minors) that got caught e-mailing their nude photos that they took with their cell phones.
What they did is still stupid and criminal, but I don't think they should be tried as adults.
Actually that is very harsh, and I don't think Shaniquequa E.'s post in of itself is criminal, but I strongly object to it, as a parent.
I understand that you have good intentions and feel you’re being a good parental figure but, frankly, your post is insulting. You seem to think that minors have absolutely no capacity to consent, or even to think for themselves. I’m almost twenty now and I don’t remember a magical point when I turned 18 and was suddenly more competent than I was the day before. I think that the idea that you can only give meaningful consent after 18 is almost as damaging as the idea that you can only have sex after you’re married. Healthy sexuality and sexual desire don’t have an on/off switch. You can’t just say that sex is bad and wrong until a certain point and then expect people to have a realistic, positive idea of sex after they reach that point.
True, there are probably ways to tell if a person is ready for sex or not, but I don’t think it’s exactly black-and-white. Honestly, looking at the way this young woman talks about sex in a mature and informed manner and all the precautions she takes probably makes her more sexually competent than most adult women.
Lastly, your scolding basically comes off as “your feelings are wrong!” This is used to shame and shut-up women, especially young women all the time. It doesn’t matter that it’s a feminist saying it and not an anti-feminist; you’re still invalidating her feelings and beliefs. A person’s sexuality is the one of the most private, personal parts of who they are and to insult that or insinuate that it’s stupid or wrong is one of the deepest insults there is. In a few more years you wouldn’t dare say such demeaning things to the OP, so I don’t think it’s right for you to be so condescending.
"You seem to think that minors have absolutely no capacity to consent, or even to think for themselves."
By law minors don't have the capacity to give consent, and by law if anything happens to a kid, their parents are responsible to take care of them.
Don't get mad at me, I don't make the laws, but I support those laws because they are designed to help keep children safe and protected from sexual exploitation.
Any adult who has sex with a minor is guilty of statutory rape, in my opinion, and I think they should go to prison for at least 10 years (before I said 20, but I am backing to down in some cases).
What worries me is not what Shaniquequa E. wrote, but the fact that it will be interpreted by adults as that it is okay to have sex with minors who say they are "Ready."
No minor is ready.
And no way are you are ever going to get to sign off on two minors being allowed to have sex.
the bottom line is; minors should not be having sex, and should not be legally allowed to have sex.
Sorry I was little angry, and I mistyped.
I meant to write:
And no way are you ever going to get ME to sign off on two minors being allowed to have sex.
"By law minors don't have the capacity to give consent..."
Actually the age of consent varies widely by location, and there's a bit of a buffer zone in most states between age of consent, and the age where it is illegal for the adolescent to have sex. There's also different age ranges allowed for someone of age to be having sex with a minor (I think they're referred to as "Romeo and Juliet" laws or something like that).
http://www.4parents.gov/sexrisky/teen_sex/statelaws_chart/statelaws_chart.html
When you look at the laws in other countries, there's even more variation: http://www.avert.org/aofconsent.htm
Apparently no one can come to an agreement on this issue, which is why I feel it should be left up to the individual woman, who surely knows her own mind better than any outside observer.
Wow, Imagine very liberal California having the strictest age of consent laws.
Actually it is not that hard to imagine.
I think in the last election a Romeo and Juliet law was passed in California. R&J laws were designed with the intent to allow a pregnant teen to marry her older BF rather than see him go to prison, which is why they are so common in states like Alabama.
The current trend would suggest that age of consent laws will become more strict.
For every American living aboard the age of consent is 18.
I think you misread my entire post. I'm not saying adults have to accept the fact teens have sex but not disrespect and treat teens with disrespect because they made a choice they don't agree with. And honestly I'm not the type of teenage girl that sends pictures of herself nude to guys. I wouldn't do something like that because I feel doing something like that would bite you in the ass in the future.
I'm actually a good and responsible kid. I work hard in school, I'm already doing my senior project as a Junior when many Seniors haven't even done it, I help my parents out around the house, I'm responsible, and I think before I do things. But sex to me I do feel I am ready for.
I know plenty of people that lost their virginities as minors and turned out fine. Sex was something I didn't just go, "okay let's do it." I thought long and hard about my actions and yes I made a few mistakes but what person doesn't? I'm on birth control, pratice safe sex with condoms, and check myself for STD's every month.
Maybe you waited and that's a good thing. I'm not saying that teenagers shouldn't wait if they choose too but if they decided their time was in high school, as long as they know the consequences and the ways to try to avoid them, I respect that too.
I am sure you are a responsible kid.
But my position is a matter of principle.
Just because I object to what you wrote doesn't mean I don't think that you are responsible and worthy of respect.
I think you are worthy respect, and you were worthy of it before you chose to have sex.
I think you are a good kid, but I really think you should have waiting until you were fully mature and independent, and I really wish you didn't appear to be encouraging minors to have sex.
Above all, please tell me you are planning to graduate from high-school, and you have plans for your future!
I feel confident that you will have a very long life, and as an adult you will have a lot of fun, so there is no need to rush it.
I didn't have sex till I was 18, and I got married when I was 26 (and I think I got married too young, but my girlfriend, now wife, was 28 and insistent), and I have had a lot of great sex with some great women.
Sex is fun, I didn't mean to imply otherwise, but it is a lot more fun when you are fully mature and independent.
All of the great women were before I got married, and my wife is a great woman.
I had a lot of really great times between the ages of 18-25, then I entered a different faze of my life (known as terminal monogamy), and I still have a lot of great times.
Well yeah one of the reasons I didn't wait is because I got raped at 15. And for awhile that fucked me up. And then after awhile I really wanted to view sex as a good thing and not just something that was forced on me. That's when I found a person I wanted to experience real sex with pretty much.
And yes I plan to graduate high school with over the limit of 20 credits so I can go to college. I don't know if I will though because I don't have the money but I want to bank on the extra credits just in case I have a chance. And yes I want to be an author, a journalist, and an activist in gay, women, and civil rights pretty much.
Was it date rape?
Date rape is the worse.
I still think you should have waited, and I'm not going to change my mind on that one.
Sounds like you are already doing better than I did; college was never my thing.
It sounds like you and I have a lot of the same interests. I'm in the military, and am an advocate for allowing gays to serve openly in the military. I lost a lot of good friends, who were excellent Arabic translators, because of the stupid "don't ask don't tell" policy (though in all fairness those guys should not have been using the secret LAN to send love notes, but they should not have gotten kicked out either).
My English probably isn't good enough to be a journalist, but I love to write stories and screen plays.
You are a good kid.
Yeah. It was my first love and it went downhill which is why I felt it was worse. I didn't want him to be my one and only but I didn't want to give myself away just that easilly too and I met my boyfriend now and we're going on a year. But yeah I wasn't into college into this year and I'm about to graduate. I went through a lot of stupid and immature decisions to find out my passion in life.
I didn't find my passion in life, writing/story telling, till I was 30.
And I made my fair shear of stupid and immature decisions and mistakes, but none of them were sexual.
I guess I may have been lucky in that regard, but personally I think it was because I met a lot of really cool women (most of whom I did not have sex with).
My advice is don't start looking for your one and only until you hit 30, though mine found me when I was 25.
Ninapendamaishi,
There is a recent case in Virginia in which a man was found guilty for violating anti-child pornography laws. The child pornography he processed, and presumably wanted to distribute, was pornographic anime known as Hentai.
I am currently looking into whether Arial Schrag's graphic (actual graphics) autobiography, "Potential", with depictions of her sex life (both as a lesbian and with a boy) could be judged as kiddy porn?
According to new laws; yes.
People have been found guilty of possessing animated "kiddy porn" in Canada and in Australia, and now in the United States.
Pretty sobering thought, don't you think?
Personally I am against anti-hentai laws, as I don't considered art (that doesn't have actual pictures of actual children in it) to be at all pornographic. What's next; are we going to ban the David In Florence, because David is younger than 18?
I also don't think anything written should be considered kiddy porn, or even porn.
But we are going to have to be a lot more vigilant.
I hope you are catching my meaning with all this.
If you are thinking about having (penetrative) sex, and are unsure if you are ready, then ask yourself these questions:
1. Have you not graduated from high-school yet, or achieved a similar level of educational certification?
2 Are you under the age of 18?
3. Do you live with your parents, are unable to completely support yourself, and are not working to complete a degree at a college?
4. In the past year have you been in an abusive or destructively co-dependent relationship?
5. Are you a drug addict or alcoholic who has not been clean or sober for the past six months?
6. Do you have a physical condition that would make sex dangerous to your health?
7. Do you know absolutely nothing about condoms, other contraceptives, and STD(s)?
8. Are you receiving treatment for a severe mental condition such as schizophrenia.
If the answer to any of the above questions is "YES", then you are not ready to have sex, and should not be having sex.
If your potential sex partner(s) would answer "YES" to any of the above questions, then you should not be having sex with him or her.
If you and your potential sex partner(s) answered "NO" to all of the above questions, then ask yourself these questions:
1. Are you suffering from a mental conditions such as depression, bi-polar disorder, or borderline personality disorder?
2. Are you a full time student in college working towards a degree?
3. Are you about to get laid off from your job, underemployed, or transitioning between occupations?
4. Are you a single parent completely solely responsible for two (or more) children under the age of 5?
5. Do you have a history of "bad" relationships, or find yourself yielding too much to the people you enter into relationships with?
If your answer to any one of those 5 questions is "YES", then you are probably ready, but observe extreme caution and understand your weaknesses. If your answer is "YES" to two of those 5 questions, then you are probably still ready, but you should get counseling from an independent source first. If your answer is "YES" to three or more of those 5 questions, then you have issues you need to work out, and should not be having sex until you have worked them out.
Interesting list. I would like to know your justification for all of the items on it, as you have provided absolutely no justification or explanation for a single one of them.
For instance: Why high school and not college? You say that one must be independent before they have sex, right? True financial independence does not come until years after one graduates high school, or usually until one graduates college. My sister is in her late twenties and has a master’s in teaching, but she and her boyfriend are having to live with a relative because they can’t find housing. Both of my older siblings had to live with relatives or at home until at least their mid-twenties. Should people have to wait this long before sex?
I still have not moved out, and my boyfriend and I will likely not have enough money for our own home until we have graduated from college. In my town you can’t find affordable housing unless you have either a valuable skill and years of experience or a high-level college degree. Do you think that I should have to stop having sex? What justification do you have for telling me what I can do with my body? How are you qualified to dictate such an intimate and personal part of another person’s life?
I also take offense to your comment about people with mental disorders. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and this is a disease I will probably have all of my life. Same goes for many who have depression and borderline personality. Do you suggest that such people remain celibate their entire lives? Are you suggesting that all people who suffer from one of these disorders are incompetent?
I think that Karen Rayne’s Ten Things To Do Before You Have Sex at RHRealityCheck is a better list because it actually provides explanations and has a less dogmatic, more realistic and understanding approach.
I hated those messages that we received at Middle/High school about girls and sex. I hated how girls perpetuated that instead of another girl being sexually liberated, she was a slut. If you're responsible enough to care as much as you do about birth control and emergency contraception, you're pretty much ready. There are women my mother's age who don't care nearly as much about contraception.
Just keep in mind that if become pregnant unexpectedly, young, single parenthood is hard, the adoption system is already too full, and abortions are hard to get in most states if you're underage (without parental consent).
The fact is, the age of maturity varies from person to person, and that needs to be acknowledged. I know experienced adult women who make idiotic mistakes- being 18 or over doesn't magically make you competent, and being younger than 18 doesn't necessarily mean you aren't. I don't like blanket statements like "no minor is ever ready for sex" because it's very obvious that some ARE. And whether or not anyone else thinks they are, they're going to do it with or without their parent's approval. Wouldn't you rather be informed of your teen's decision to become sexually active? Because if you want your teen to feel free to come to you for information, birth control, or general relationship advice, you'd better not give them the impression that you are going to judge them harshly. If they get the idea that they'll get in some sort of trouble, they'll simply go behind your back. If they do that, then how can you help them?
I would be very wary of allowing any teenager to make their own decisions completely apart from an adult's guidance, but I also think adults need to respect that their teens may have beliefs different from their own, and take that into consideration when dispensing advice.