So yeah, I just had the most horribly awkward "talk" with my mom...on the issue of bisexuality. And the possibility that that's what I might be. I bring this up because there is much discussion on feministing about lesbian/gay/transgender rights, but bisexuality continues to be the invisible sexual preference....Not that I am totally comfortable with the term myself. I wish people would discuss the inherent fluidity of sexuality; as such I hesitate to say I'm bi, because the prefix 'bi' indicates two, and I can't say my sexual preference falls into two categories (namely, male and female). I am attracted to pretty much everybody. Gay men. Lesbian women. Transgender people. Transsexual people. Androgynous people. Men that look like women. Women that look like men. Everyone.
I'm reading Jennifer Baumgardner's 'Looking Both Ways'; someone in it described themselves as 'omnisexual', saying that 'bisexual' was too limiting a word. I agree wholeheartedly.
Anyway, back to my horribly mortifying talk with my mom. I (very awkwardly and stupidly) brought the issue up after a long heart to heart we had. I figured we had both talked for a while, were both relaxed, and maybe it was a good time to bring it up. The possibility that I was bi. Well, after my mom laughed with disbelief in my face, she informed me that she doesn't believe in 'bi' and that everyone settles for one gender sooner or later. She said it was a phase and for people who are confused. She then seemed uncomfortable and mad at me for the rest of the night. I felt really bad so I apologized and said I was joking. She just told me she wasn't ready for that kind of "joking or whatever it was". I feel really stupid now, and a little mortified.... Anyway, I wanted to share my little story (this is my first time posting on feministing), and maybe get a discussion going about bisexuality and/or people's experiences in trying to talk to their parents/loved ones about it, or coming to terms with it in themselves.
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That sucks that your mom reacted that way. That's pretty awful. My mom sort of did the same when I told her I was genderqueer. She told me that I'm still young and I didn't know who I was yet. Ironically she was right because about a month later I figured out I was transgender. Still haven't told her yet.
Anyway, as far as your label problem, what with bi meaning two I had the same problem when I was figuring out my orientation. I didn't like that it was just male and female because that didn't reflect how I felt, it was still too restrictive. I now use the term pansexual instead because it includes everyone. I don't love guys, I don't love girls, I don't love guys and girls. I love human beings.
Congrats on having the courage to even raise the topic with your mom!
My mom did pretty much the same thing. I told her and my aunt and I burst into tears (I think from relief and fear lol) and my aunt was wonderful, but after, a few days later, my mom said I wasn't a lesbian, or anything else. She didn't believe it was true. Plus she asked if I was going to start dressing like a boy lol oh the educating of my mom's misguided ideas began there. I have even tried to explain the difference between sex and gender to my family and they wouldn't hear it. It is a long process, for myself and them.
Oh and the best part was that even though she raised me very feminist and independent (although she wouldn't use that term) once I came out she said she was worried because if I don't ever marry a man it will be harder for me to be financially stable etc. Seriously??? really mom? this coming from the mom who told me I should never feel like I need a man to support me in that way, that I should work hard to support myself etc etc. RIDICULOUS!
Then I started dating a girl who is more of a boi and that totally freaked her out, I think based on how she looks especially. Anyway, that was over 2 years ago. and even still she tells me she is hoping that I will eventually end up with a guy, although she tells me she wants me to be happy. It is really frustrating.
My dad on the other hand was amazing and supportive. I was so happy to just get it off my chest to him, even though I had expected his reaction to be worse.
In fact, it feels like it would be easier for me to be on one end of the spectrum or the other. I don't really identify as bi. Some people define bi like it's a 50/50 attraction, and splitting people into 2 genders, even though many people who are bi often challenge that assumption. I just don't feel like I own that term. I'm not really attracted to guys on anything but the physical level, and I'm not interested in dating guys really.
And I feel like saying I'm a lesbian is too cut and dry, and I feel like I'm lying in a way, even though I'm more attracted to females anyway. but I'd rather be able to define my Self, and I lean more towards the term queer. which leads to more questions, which allows me to set my own terms and definition of who I am and who I am attracted to.
I think what's important is to start a dialogue, even if your mom reacts like that. Maybe you don't know what term to use to define yourself, and even though I would prefer not to have to use a label, it's easier to talk about when you can.
I suppose I thought I would have some kind of revelation of being queer, lesbian, bi whatever. That I would suddenly have it clear in my head, but in reality nothing changed. I didn't "feel" any different. My identity didn't really change as much as other people's did when they came out. I didn't have any epiphany, and if anything it led to more confusion lol.
Especially in figuring all this out in college instead of high school. (I figured all my girl friends in hs fantasized about other girls lol the funny thing is, I had talked about it with my mom and she said that was normal! ironic that now it's a problem for her).
I guess in high school I figured since I enjoyed sex with guys I couldn't be a lesbian, but I've learned that it's a lot more complicated than that. I've found that I can enjoy sex AND emotional connections etc with women, genderqueer women, bois etc and it's more fulfilling for me in a relationship. It's a process I suppose.
Sorry for the rambling and if that came out preachy, I don't mean for that, everyone's story is different, and everyone lays on different ridges on the sexuality continuum. It's just difficult to explain that to parents who may have grown up with more rigid ideas of sexuality, and have certain expectations on their children, how their kids will grow up in the future, have weddings and kids. And even my mom assumed none of that was going to happen now. Who the hell knows??
Anyway, this comment is becoming longer than your post and I'm sure it's a lot of tangled thoughts, but I wish you the best in figuring this out, and working on it with your mom. Just giver her a chance to process it too, and for me, I learned that hiding it from her only made things worse and calling her out on stuff in a polite, loving way has helped me to teach her about myself in a way...
OMG this is ridiculously long lol so sorry!
Same here. I can only go for guys on a physical level, but am way into women. I only want relationships with women, but am still attracted to guys on a physical level. Some days its confusing because I feel like a total lesbian but other days I feel bisexual. However, I still date guys but guys kind of suffocate me. I wish whatever it was, would just turn lesbian. If I'm 'bi' but dont want to be, am I really bisexual? I'm new to understanding sexual orientation. :) Anyone have any advice?
There are lots of gay people who originally don't want to be...
But I really think you might consider just dropping the labels for now. You're the only person who really has to know exactly who you're into, so who the fuck needs a cut-and-dried name anyway?
I enjoyed Baumgardner's book (I read it recently). I wish there were more like it out there! I agree about bisexuality having this sort of rigid, binary-enforcing quality to it, when really identifying as bi, for me, means that I don't really have a preference. There's also the term "Pansexual" which is "a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality) So many people don't know what that means, though, so it almost feels useless!
Personally, I'm most comfortable with the term "queer" though it has a historically bigoted meaning. It constitutes that feeling of "sexual fluidity" without a rigid title.
I enjoyed Baumgardner's book (I read it recently). I wish there were more like it out there! I agree about bisexuality having this sort of rigid, binary-enforcing quality to it, when really identifying as bi, for me, means that I don't really have a preference. There's also the term "Pansexual" which is "a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality) So many people don't know what that means, though, so it almost feels useless!
Personally, I'm most comfortable with the term "queer" though it has a historically bigoted meaning. It constitutes that feeling of "sexual fluidity" without a rigid title.
Well, assuming you're going to end up in a rest-of-your-life monogamous relationship, she is right in saying you'll end up with one sex or the other... but it's the wrong reason.
As for me, when I told my mom I was bi, her response was, and I quote, "Hey, double the playing field!" (and my dad apparently said, "Yeah, I kinda figured," but I don't know because I was outed in my absence). So I basically have one of the most undramatic coming out stories ever. My coming out to myself was much more traumatic, because I've always been the sort of person who cares about "the rules" and what is "right" and what is "wrong", and I felt that my liking girls was looked down upon (although when I couldn't figure out why, I stopped worrying about it).
But yeah, I do occasionally feel that "bi" is too limiting, but I feel that it's most correct for me. Although I am attracted to people mostly based on their intellect, and thus separate from what they have in their pants, and I appreciate the aesthetics of many people, regardless of gender or sex, saying "bi" just seems to me like owning the idea. "Queer" is too nebulous, too easily distanced from everything (plus people know what bi is. Only other queers usually know that queer doesn't always just mean gay), and although I use it to describe myself about half the time, if you asked my orientation, I would say bi.
As for your mom's reaction, people just don't understand bi (frankly, I don't understand monosexuality, but there you go). By and large, people understand gay (albeit often as some kind of disease). They don't understand sexual fluidity. The desire is to put people into boxes, and since bi/pansexual/omnisexual/queer/whatever doesn't go into any one box, it's often either overlooked or discounted entirely, and that's what your mom's doing. All your life, she's had you in one box in her mind, and you just told her, "I'm actually not in that box. Or the only other one you have a concept of," and her response was to deny that it's possible. If you had said you were gay, it seems like, while she wouldn't've said, "Oh, that's great! My friend Janie's been looking for a nice girl for her daughter!" she wouldn't've told you that you're not.
One of my friends who is an FTM transguy identifies told me once that he is "sexuALL" :o) I love it.
Great post (and discussion, I might add!)
I really can't stand that whole 'you have to choose one or the other' look on bisexuality. People are attracted to certain characteristics and things like that. If those traits happen to be owned by a certain woman, man, or whomever then, you know what I'm attracted to 'em! It's those things that make a person attractive, not gender necessarily.
In a dreamland, I wish people would see how sexuality is fluid. I wish labels weren't needed!
And flamingofeminist- 'sexuALL' That is awesome!
I love the "you gotta choose a side" argument. I've heard it, or I've heard people say "now you're just being selfish, you want it all!" and you know what? so be it. I love Margaret Cho's line making fun of those attitudes, "Am I gay? Am I strait?.... And then I realized.... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?"
Well, I bet a lot of parents out there would deal better with their child coming out as "slutty" than bi or omni or pan or queer.
Yes, many people believe gay and lesbian people to be "perverts and sick and bla bla bla", but even amongst the more "accepting" folks, there still exists this porn-industry, hollywood amped vision of bisexuals (especially women) as being sex freaks who just like to have threesomes and orgies with members of the opposite sex just acting as props to spice up their otherwise heterosexual relationship.
In a way I think I should have just told everyone I was a lesbian when I announced that I was bi and have a girlfriend because I think there'd be a lot less of this "when is she going to get over this phase?" pressure from others. Don't hold your breath people!
"but even amongst the more "accepting" folks, there still exists this porn-industry, hollywood amped vision of bisexuals (especially women) as being sex freaks who just like to have threesomes and orgies with members of the opposite sex just acting as props to spice up their otherwise heterosexual relationship."
This is so true. I used to go to bisexual chat rooms but eventually stopped because it was just people looking for someone to join in a threesome. Just recently I got a MySpace message from a guy who was looking for someone to join him in his girlfriend in threesome. Yeah, I'm really going to have sex with some guy who just came across my Myspace profile. :rollseyes: Needless to say, I deleted it without responding.
Thank you everyone for your comments! I really appreciate it, and I feel a lot less alone in this now. Keep the discussion going!
=)
~Alma
When my sister came out, our parents were totally supportive of her. Most of my gay friends say the same, and that they were lucky to grow up where we did because apparently that's not the typical response. I'm sorry that your mom wasn't informed or supportive of who you are, and I hope she grows into it.
thank you. =)
*gay and bi
I'm sorry your mom reacted that way. Do you have any friends you can talk to about this? It makes a big difference to have someone you can hug it out with after a heart-to-heart.
This topic makes me wish that human sexuality/orientation (the full breadth) was presented in high school sex ed classes. Could you imagine how conservatives would freak out if a truly comprehensive sex ed curriculum was presented to your local school board? Unfortunately, the true fluidity of human sexuality isn't approached until university, and even then (at least at my school) it's like the sideshow of psychology.
I've read in various places that experiments seem to indicate that, in general, female sexuality seems to be more fluid than male sexuality. According to what I read, it's relatively easy to measure a male's sexual arousal level (the stiffness of an erection is a pretty good indicator) but female genital arousal often occurs without any psychological arousal.
Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/10/science/10desi.htm
Additionally, at least one study seems to show that males who describe themselves as bisexual tend to show physiological reactions only to images of one gender and not the other.
Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/health/05sex.html
I've heard the term "pansexual" to describe that sort of sexual orientation. If it's any different from "omnisexual" I don't know.
I'm multisexual.
I came out as bi when I was 13 (largely because I didn't have the language to come out as a trannyfag...) I wouldn't call myself bisexual anymore, for all of the reasons mentioned about it being too limiting, a term w/ creepy connotations, etc., but I am certainly still attracted to men and women (and other) and plan to be for the rest of my God-given life.
I call myself queer these days, largely because, due to my weird and liminal gender, no matter who I'm involved with or how, it's pretty gay. Plus I don't, and am not capable of, being attracted to literally everyone, so pan- and omni- feel hyperbolic.
But still, it's dumb that bisexuality gets a bad rap; not only do you have breeders breathing down your neck about how your just an experimenting nympho, but also gays saying you're just teetering at the edge of going gay entirely (or you're an experimenting nympho.) I think there are just so many people who are monosexual, culturally or naturally, that they can't imagine anything else.
Advice? Unless Mom is the throwing you out of the house type, tell her you weren't kidding, you'd appreciate her support, and then lend her Look Both Ways. If she is still being a jerk, make some motherly friends and wait until she comes around.
Anytime you see a study on men's sexuality which includes J. Michael Bailey or Northwestern University in it (as did the second article you posted), treat it with a serious grain of salt. He's the person responsible for the book The Man Who Would Be Queen, which is a seriously flawed piece of pseudo-academic work that has been thoroughly criticised by LGBT activists and the trans community in particular.
Yeah, Bailey is a complete idiot when it comes to that sort of thing. (Gerulf Rieger seems less of a complete idiot, but some further exploration seems to diminish his credibility, and that of this study.)
Sorry, the above was in reply to DougS.
I came out as bi years ago, and got the full range of reactions. It's a phase (family). Oh really, do you have a girlfriend and can I join in? (straight men). You're a fence-sitter and I don't date bi women (lesbians). But also a lot of positive responses.
I find that there is a certain prurient curiosity that people have when they hear you identify as bisexual. There's also an assumption that it you're in a long-term relationship that you've come down on one "side" or the other. To those people I ask if now that they have a partner, they're completely unattracted to anyone else. Of course not!
Two of my best friends, both bisexual women, got married a little while ago. And yes, they are both very firm that indeed, they are still bisexual.
I just wanted to say that there is a lot of opposition, from both within and outside the queer community, to bisexuality. I use the term because it's easiest for most people to understand, despite the problems which have been well and truly highlighted above.
I still haven't come out to my parents as bi, but all my friends know. I've just never thought to make an issue of it, and seeing as I've not yet been in a long-term relationship with a girl, my parents haven't yet needed to meet any of the girls I've been with. As such, I've had several long-term relationships with guys, so all they've seen is the hetero image.
I recently had the opportunity to be a queer representative, and it was pointed out to me that in that position not only would I have to come out to my parents (one of the least of my worries, to be honest), but more that I would face a lot of opposition from those I was representing as I am not only bi, but in a relationship with a man. My appearance is pretty standard by heternormative "female" expectations, so I was told that I would face a lot of criticisms for living like a straight, basically.
The problem is that I then started questioning whether I had the right to use the term "queer" when to most people I would appear to be straight? It did occur to me, though, that there are lots of queer people who "seem straight" (using the words of some colleagues of mine) when in reality they're gay or transgender, for example.
To be honest, in retrospect it makes me even more sure that I should have run for the position. Just because we look like we're living a "heterosexual lifestyle" (LOL) that doesn't make us any less queer. I really feel like there needs to be a strong voice on this because it's difficult for a lot of people to understand.
P.S. I have purposefully NOT told several exes about me being bisexual exactly so as to avoid the whole "Oh awesome so that means we can have a threesome!". It's so difficult for them to comprehend that just because I'm attracted to women, that doesn't mean I wanna stop being monogamous, or sexually share the person I love with another woman. I may be bi but I'm also a jealous type! lol!
thanks for sharing your story.
=)
I identify with your story so much, Goanna, and it's really great to hear about the experiences of another "straight seeming" bi woman!
I'm in a serious and long-term relationship with a man, and it's often felt to me like my bisexuality has been erased somehow. I'm also a monogamous (and jealous! LOL) person, not into any kind of poly or open lifestyle, which sometimes makes me feel even more disconnected from many other bi people (not that all bi people are poly, of course, but there has been some correlation between the two in my experience). It's hard to reconcile sometimes the fact that to all intents and purposes I am now hetero as far as the rest of the world is concerned, even though nothing about my sexuality has changed just because I am in this relationship!
I would be interested to hear, if you'd be willing to share, about your relationship with the wider queer community (at your school maybe? I'm not sure what kind of queer representative position you were going to run for). I was quite active in my university's Pride organization before I got into a long term 'hetero' relationship, and never felt awkward about my orientation. Once I was living with a man, however, I felt as though I had to somehow "prove myself" as a 'real queer' by constantly coming out as bi to the new members that joined. It got sort of exhausting and I faded out of the group, which was too bad. I agree with you that it's really important for people to realize that even those living a "heterosexual lifestyle" (love the phrase! LOL) can be queer.
... I guess that was a long-winded wind-up to asking, how have you managed this? Do you (as I often do) feel disconnected from the rest of the queer community? Do you (as I sometimes do) wonder about having straight privilege even though I'm not straight?
Sorry that got so long. But I was so excited by your post, it really resonated with many of my own experiences.
PS What *is* up with creepy dudes thinking that bi=threesome?! Not. Cool. LOL
... I guess that was a long-winded wind-up to asking, how have you managed this? Do you (as I often do) feel disconnected from the rest of the queer community? Do you (as I sometimes do) wonder about having straight privilege even though I'm not straight?
In short: absolutely. I feel straight privelege is definitely an issue and is one of the reasons why many in the queer community often feel that "straight-seeming" LGBTQ folk aren't a part of the struggle. I say LGBTQ folk rather than just bisexual folk because a single gay man can often "seem straight" to everyone around him and hence get some of that privelege, I think. It's tough with sexuality as opposed to a (more) clearly recognisable trait such as sex and race.
The context of the position was university student politics, which in Australia at least is very progressive generally. I must admit that within the queer community I do feel I need to justify every statement with acknowledging my bisexuality/queerness. Like in a queer room I feel like I have to limit talk about my boyfriend, or if I do then I find a 'convenient' way of mentioning that I'm bi.
Nevertheless I do suffer from straight-privelege guilt. I think the best way to manage it is something I haven't done, which is to participate in the GLBTQ community and the rights movements as best you can, and just not mention that you are bi. Anyone who knows what GLBTQ stands for should know that if you identify as queer then you being bi is one of the possibilities, and that part of being bi is ending up with a person of the opposite gender. That doesn't change your sexuality.
To be honest I'm really disappointed that I didn't take a stand on it, but I'm hoping that in future that will change through my own action and initiative. If someone asks, I'll tell them. Otherwise, all they need to know is that I'm queer, and I'm in a relationship.
I feel like I should also point out the hypocrisy of those who do criticise bi people for being in a heteronormative relationship. Essentially they're saying "You are GLBTQ, therefore you MUST be in a relationship with someone of the same sex". But to me the GLBTQ rights movement is all about eliminating "shoulds" and "musts" in terms of human sexuality. Just a thought.
I used to worry a lot about being interested in both men and women but mostly dating men and looking like a mostly heteronormative female (I had short hair but wasn't butch). I had a lot of queer friends at the time and hung out at a lot of gay bars so I often felt like people thought I was just a fag hag who was pretending to be queer so that no one would dislike me or something. And I often felt pretty invisible to the women I was interested in.
Then, I went to a queer workshop thing with one of my friends. In one of the classes, (I don't even remember what we were discussing) one of the girls - a beatiful goth girl, the only one in the whole room who had long hair and an obvious sense of style - said that someone at the workshop had told her that she should make it more obvious that she was a lesbian. It made me realize not only that I wasn't the only one, but that it really shouldn't matter anyway.
Thanks for posting this - it's similar to my situation in some ways. I am completely out to all my friends, and think absolutely nothing of it. I didn't really have big coming out moments with them either, it just became part of my identity with them. My family, however, has no idea, and I don't feel a pressing need to tell them, because so far I've only ever dated guys. There are a number of reasons for why I haven't come out, but a big one is that I'm terrified that they won't believe me.
I also struggle with straight privilege. Having never been in a relationship with a woman, I feel that there are a lot of aspects of being queer that I have yet to experience. That said, it is a privilege to never agonize over coming out to your parents.
Before I read everyone else's comments (and I apologize if I'm just repeating what someone else has already said), forget labels. Labels can be freeing but they can also be limiting. If you really feel like you want one, make one up that works for you!
I came out as bi to a few people when I was a teenager, but it didn't feel right to me either. There were times that I called myself bi and times that I called myself straight and times that I refused to call myself anything. For awhile now, I've been on the last one because I just got so sick of trying to find the right box for me. I've dated girls and guys, dated a male transvestite, had a crush on a mtf transsexual, etc. The only constant seems to be that I'm attracted most to "masculine"-acting people but even that can depend on the person.
I'm now happily monogamously married to a straight cis-male, which seems to make a lot of those people I came out to as a teenager think that I "just went through a phase" but really just means that the person I found who made me the happiest happened to be a straight cis-male. It doesn't mean I'm not attracted to anyone else or any other genders anymore, just that we actively decided monogamy was the right thing for us and therefore we both choose not to act on our attractions to other people. And who cares what that's called?!