My uncle and aunt have two little girls, Ava is three and Viv is sixteen months, the little girls walk into our main room this holiday season all dolled up for the holidays. My grandmother and my other relatives keep oohing and ahhing, telling Ava how beautiful and pretty she is. Granted they are cute kiddos, but what three year-old is not a cutie?
My mother then comes to the rescue, she said, “No mom (refereeing to my grandmother), Ava you are intelligent.” (Shout out to my mother!) But here is the thing: Ava looked up confused, she asked what intelligent meant. She had never asked what beautiful or pretty meant because that’s what everyone else had told her. It saddens me that she had to ask what intelligent meant, that no one had ever told her how smart she was. (Shoot, this kiddo is a smart one too…) The kicker is that her parents are very progressive, very “pro-women,” very encouraging to me pursuing a high academic education. Yet, they have never told her own child just how smart she was. What can we as an society expect if we continue to ignore telling little girls how bright they are, and just focusing on their physical beauty. No wonder girls/women feel that their only value is based just on looks. Not only is this placing girls into a set role, it also places boys in to set roles as well. This is bullshit, and I am sick of it.
Ava should be told how smart she is every day, because she is very intelligent. I resent that she is never told just how bright she is, but this is not just my family, this is almost every family in the world. With the exception of babies, you never hear someone commenting on how beautiful a small boy is. Its time for this to change. The next time you see a small girl, resist telling her or her mother how pretty is, instead ask if she can count, say her alphabet, speak a different language, or write a dissertation. Then compliment about how intelligent the child is, not only will this encourage children to demonstrate their intelligence but also it was also give you something to talk about with the child or mother. Make the change happen.
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1. People compliment small boys on being cute, adorable, handsome, etc. all the time.
2. Is "intelligent" a concept a three year old can grasp? Honest question, I don't know.
Little boys are frequently told how smart and strong they are. Girls, almost never.
I point out how smart my three-year-old daughter is all the time, and she's obviously stronger and tougher than most of the boys she knows.
That being said, I notice moms and dads projecting sexist stereotypes on their kids. I try to use humor to shock people a bit, question their assumptions. It works sometimes.
I'm going to play devil's advocate here and wonder whether the parents may have told their girl that she was "smart," but didn't use the word "intelligent" because that might be a bit of a big word for even an intelligent three-year-old. A little girl wondering what the word "intelligent" means doesn't necessarily translate into her parents never complimenting her on her intelligence, but rather that they might have used a different word.
I do think there is a bit too much of a focus on little girls' looks, though I think it's a bit more firmly entrenched in societal impression than strictly on what compliments children receive.
I distinctly remember as a very small child, often getting compliments on my intelligence. Yet I would crave compliments on my appearance. I had somehow gotten the impression that appearance was far more important than intelligence, for girls anyway, and that being complemented on my intelligence was some sort of booby-prize.
Since I felt I was more often complimented on intelligence, I actually got the impression that I was a particularly unattractive child. Looking at old pictures now, I can see that's utter nonsense. I was cute as a button.
In Indonesia, a very prevalent compliment my daughter receives, from all kinds of people, is "pintar," which means clever. Though they do compliment her appearance as well.
I try to compliment her on both, sort of gauging which type of compliment would be most welcome to her at any given time. Building social confidence is also important.
Note that praising a child's intelligence can backfire:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
I've always thought that compliments paid to children should be tied to some actual skill they've developed or clever, thoughtful, or funny thing they've done. Otherwise they kind of ignore it or begin to think that adults say a lot of things that aren't true or relevant. So I show them how to do some new thing, and then as they begin to get better and better at it I point that out to them. But it is true that preschool and grade school teacher give boys a lot more of these particular kinds of compliments while girls tend to get the generic comments about their looks. Incessantly.
My son is constantly complimented on his looks (how cute, how handsome, what big eyes you have, etc). I think it is easy and expected to compliment a child's looks because it is hard to compliment something you can't see, like intelligence. I wouldn't be comfortable asking someone's kid if he can add or spells a word to determine intelligence and give praise. When I was a kid if a grown-up had asked me that I would have thought I was being tested and gotten angry.
With that said, I give the most praise to my son when he is kind to others. So, for example, the other day when he gave a little girl his balloon I told him he was a very good boy.
I don't remember the last compliment I received that wasn't either about my hair, my face, or how slim I am. Its not fun. I feel bad for that little girl!
My 13 m/o daughter walked at 10 months, at least 2 months before any of the boys in her room at daycare did. She's very physical and adventurous, and climbs all over the furniture, always attempts to take apart new toys and figure out how they work, etc. But nobody ever comments on this (except us). When the boys in her room started walking, months after she did, everybody raved about what strong boys they were. When she plays rough and tumble (which she frequently does) nobody comments, but when the boys do the teachers and other parents say thing like "Oh Tyler, you're such a boy!" People do rave about her looks, though. All the time. In addition, all the babies at this age are very interested in mirrors, and spend a lot of time looking at themselves. When the girls do this, it's "you're such a girl" but nobody comments on how much time the boys spend looking at themselves in the mirror, even though it seems to be the same amount of time to me.
All of this just reinforces my suspicion that the gendered norms and expectations we have in our heads completely blind us to some things and allow us to see other things. Oh yes, perception is profoundly shaped by preconceived ideas and expectations. Don't doubt it for a minute.