The other night I woke up in a cold sweat because I had this too-much-pizza-before-bed induced nightmare. It goes as follows: I find out I'm pregnant, go through my options, and choose to follow through with the pregnancy. In my dream, this is what I'm absolutely convinced is the right choice for me.  Then for some reason based on dream un-logic, I decide to triumphantly post all of this on Facebook. It all spirals out of control when the internet baddies,  vaguely familiar nightmare versions of my facebook friends, rip me apart for not getting an abortion in what was a much more dramatic internet battle than it would be if I actually typed out the details. You know how some nightmares are--they seem so horrifying but then when you come to, they're just really ridiculous.

But I was genuinely very afraid during those moments before the it occurred to me how silly it would be if all of this took place on facebook. I had a very real fear of being forced to make a choice I didn't want to. 

I feel like rather than being forced to choose between a pregnancy or an abortion, I'm being forced to choose between pro-life and pro-choice. 

But being pro-choice can accommodate being truly pro-life, you say. That's why we call it "anti-choice" instead, you say. But I don't think the language of pro-anything is appropriate for me because it is inherently divisive; one can only be all for or all against. Identifying as pro-choice for me means waging a battle on multiple fronts; against the perceived enemy, and against the self within me that feels more complicated about these issues. The binary doesn't allow for these complications so if I accomodate them, I weaken the cause. I'm at war with the enemy and myself for weakening the cause, and most of the time I can't even totally recall what I'm really fighting for, only what I'm fighting against. 

Frankly, I'm battle-weary.

I'm weary of Pro-choice vs. Pro-Life. Or Anti-choice vs. Anti-life. Or Baby vs. Fetus (or Mass of Cells vs. Potential Future First Black President for that matter). And I'm weary of sides, and of win and loose. 

Consider this my extension of a white flag. But not one that represents defeat, or even compromise. My white flag is one of mutual collaboration. 

I understand that collaboration is arduous. It's not an easy road to take when there seems to be such deeply entrenched difference. But what we fail to see is how even more deeply rooted our common similarity is; we are all human beings and we have all experienced, whether directly or indirectly, the giving and taking of life. It's part of the human experience. It's inescapable.

Yet somehow, we've overlooked the significance of it. The way I see it, we need to scrap pro-this and pro-that and anti-anything. We need to remember to communicate, to listen, and to look beyond difference into the common experience of being evolving and complicated, feeling, perpetually experiencing human beings, no matter which trench we've been hunkered down in.  Even beyond this specific battle we've been fighting, the war will only be over once we've stopped overlooking the importance of collaboration. 

I may elaborate on what this collaboration might look like in a different post, if you're willing to listen. But for now, it begins with me. It begins with changing my attitudes and challenging myself to step out of the trenches and into no-woman's land. 

So I end this with a personal manifesto--I would love to see any of yours as well!

Manifesto for Ending the War, Against the "Enemy" and Myself. 

1. I will not fall prey to the manipulation of reproductive rights as a wedge issue for a politics that doesn't value women over partisanship.

2. I will make a concerted effort to listen, whether or not I think I will agree.

3. I will see the many similarities, not obsess over the perceived differences.

4. I will take the experiences and emotions of all people seriously, regardless of whether or not I agree with the underlying morality/politics.

5. I will seek in argumentation that will inevitably rise not to win, but to use argument as a way to explore the viability of various solutions.

6. I will allow indignation/frustration to incite me to speak or act, but when I do, I will do so out of compassion rather than anger.

7. I will acknowledge that disagreement is inevitable and accept that.

8. I will acknowledge that agreement is inevitable and accept that. 

9. I will resist feeling as though I have to label myself in opposition rather than out of a feeling of solidarity. 

10. I will acknowledge that theory and practice are different, and while I may fail at fulfilling all that I've stated from this day forward, I will not regard failure as an excuse to stop holding myself to these standards.

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January 24, 2009 1:20 PM

[0+]  Lynne C. said:

I think that this is the problem with politics. Many people perceive pro-choice people to be be anti-life, and this isn't the case at all. I became pregnant before I was ready to have a child, and considered having an abortion. I thought about it for a while, and decided (decided being the operative word here) to keep the baby, because I personally felt a connection with her right away, and despite the hardships in my life at the time, she allowed me to settle down and screw my head on straight.

Believe it or not, people were telling me to get an abortion or send the child off for adoption because they felt I wasn't able to be a parent, due to the fact that I have depression and OCD, and was raised in the system; (but that's a whole other post. descrimination against poverty and mental illness). This was a personal decision though, and one I am glad I made. I have a healthy daughter, both physically, and head-strong-wise. Yes, we have problems, but we are getting past them.

I am still pro-choice. I am not so presumptious to assume that just because I decided to keep my child, and things worked out, that this is the way it is or will be for everyone. There are too many things to consider. Women get raped often, women within a marriage are often coaxed to the point of being forced to become pregnant; husbands will refuse to use contraception. This often takes a major toll on them. Abstinence is fine, but it is impractical and unrealistic. There are too many women who do not have contraceptives available to them, or do not know enough to use them. People are going to have sex, and that is their choice as well. We no longer live in an age where sex is purely done for pro-creational means. Many people do not understand this.

There are medical complications. If a woman risks death by giving birth, this should be HER CHOICE, no one elses. These are just my opinions. Therefore to make abortion illegal takes a lot of control away from a woman over her own body, and allows for a lot of human rights violations to be carried though; it also places her in danger. Just because we pass a pro-choice law does not mean that we think every women should go and have an abortion, or that they will. This is just plain ridiculous. If a woman does not want to become pregnant, she has contraceptives available to her, she will be educated enough to know to use them, and this would cut down on a lot of unplanned pregnancies, and isn also a part of the pro-choice plan.

Good post.

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