Another tired, old, mom-shaming post
While I know this is pretty standard sexist fare, I can't help but be pissed off by it. We all know this wouldn't even be discussed if she were a man. Many of the comments, from both men and women, are just sad. If they aren't blasting her for being a horrible mother, they are blasting the women who are complaining for being jealous. They get better towards the end, though, something to smile about.
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Double standard, double standard, everywhere I look!! Mothers are expected to be lovely, kind, sweet, sexual, thin AND full-time devoted mom, workaholic, breastfeed (because that IS what is best!)hot in heels, well-spoken, put together and "take care" of herself, which of course means loads of money on creams, make-up, gym memberships and designer clothes. How are they/we supposed to do it?? When I read the story, I didn't feel jealous really, but kind of sad for her. Birth should be a really special, emotional, spiritual event- not an appointment. Take some time to be in the moment...there will be plenty of time for politics and hob-nobbing. And then I started reading comments, and couldn't get to the better ones at the end because I started to feel a little sick. Ugh.
Most of the comments made about this woman in articles like that really leave me feeling angry and defensive and I'm not even a mother.In fact, it seems that most of the most villifying comments come from other women who are. I'm tired of the idea that there is only one way to be a good mother and people making assumptions about a woman's love for her child based on whether or not she works outside the home. I was raised by a single mother and we are very bonded, so I don't know what people who think that infants of working moms aren't bonding properly are getting their ideas from. Really, a newborn needs to be fed and changed and it really doesn't matter all that much who is doing it. God forbid a woman doesn't feel like she has to sacrifice 100% of her entire self to raise a healthy, well developed child into adulthood. God forbid she should care about herself at all, according to some people. No one questions a man's love for his family when he works 14 hr days while someone else does all the dirty work of raising his kids. No one questions if he is really bonded with them or how important they are in his life. People who say a woman cannot be good at being a mother AND having a career are full of it. I know too many examples to the contrary. Ditto for the assumptions that kids of working moms are 'running wild' and unsocialized. I've seen no evidence that kids of SAHMs turn out to be any more kind, responsible, or successful than children of women who earn a check. Interesting you seldom here that a man can't be a good father and excel at his job. Then again, when has anyone ever expected men to sacrifice as much of themselves to begin with?
Oops, I meant to say HEAR and not here......
I question a man's love for his family when he works 14 hour days. I absolutely do. My father did that and one thing I absolutely swore I would not do is raise a child with a man who was more married to his work than to his family. Because my dad was actually a good guy, but preferred to be a good guy with other people than with his own family.
Crumpet, I don't think the issue here is whether or not she is a SAHM. I'm sure some commenters may have brought that up, but most moms, including SAHMs, would be surprised if someone so high in her political career would just give up on it. My understanding is that most people are surprised by going back after only 5 days. In my mind, a c-section is a major surgery (I had one) and my doctor wouldn't even let me drive for two weeks afterwards.
I myself don't think people should question when she wants to go back to work. If it is true that Sarkozy bullied her back to work, then that is a major issue that is being lost in people questioning whether she wants to be kissing baby toes. She does look amazing, though.
Well, I don't see why people need to have such vitriolic opinions about how soon she went back to work post C-section. It isn't their body and no skin off their ass (if it indeed was her choice). I've read opinions about this on several sites and cannot even count how many were along the lines of, "That poor baby! Why even bother to have children if you don't want to raise them?" or "This selfish woman doesn't deserve to have children. She obviously doesn't want him or she wouldn't be rushing back to work like that." That's the sort of thing I'm talking about.
Not to mention how many were blaming 'women like her' on the sad state of the world and for why kids were acting so terribly these days. As if we just learned our place and accepted our limitations for the betterment of everyone else the world would be all puppies and rainbows.
Not to mention how many were blaming 'women like her' on the sad state of the world and for why kids were acting so terribly these days. As if we just learned our place and accepted our limitations for the betterment of everyone else the world would be all puppies and rainbows.
I see what you are saying, like she (and other moms) can't really win, no matter what. If she goes back to work, she's chastised for not caring about her kids, if she stays home she's clearly "oppressed" or "limiting herself." I do think it is important to think about the word "choice" though, in how soon any woman returns to work after birth. Lots of factors go into that supposed "choice," like health, economics, support at home, cultural messages, etc.
Choice is important. I have to think, though, of several colleagues I've worked with who said to others that they 'work because I have to' insinuating that they were working to help financially support their families. Some people who vehemently believe all moms should stay home at least until their kids get to school will allow them a pass if they work out of necessity. So, I suspect there are women who work outside the home because they want to (God forbid) because child rearing doesn't meet all of their needs and their career gives them something domestic life cannot or does not. Yet, they feel pressured to present it as they had no other option to avoid being accused of abandoning their children. Too many women are made to feel guilty or ashamed for having the audacity to feel that they need more than their baby/motherhood to feel fulfilled, and that (to me anyway) is total bs.
Regarding the choice issue, I'm careful not to treat choice as though it is an issue that pertains soley to women. How many men have the 'choice' to just up and quit their jobs if they are the primary or sole breadwinner and provider of insurance? I'm not speaking for anyone here, but I know a few ladies who feel it's their right to have the choice to work or stay home but if their husbands simply came home one day and said, "Honey, I've had it with the rat race. I quit. I choose to stay home from now on. You need to start looking for a job", they would absolutely flip and feel betrayed. I'm all about choice for women but we've almost completely come to see it as a female issue that only affects us. I can understand how some men would feel that they don't get any choice, so why all the fuss about having so many choices for us? Most men accept that they are going to earn a check every day whether their job sucks or not and whether they want to or not, especially if they have a family depending on them. A good friend is going through this dilemma right now b/c she agreed with her husband that she would go to work after 8 weeks and now she doesn't want to. He is stressed with all the bills and he feels betrayed.
Crumpet, I didn't agree with you on everything you are saying about mothers in our society. I think ALL moms today are made to feel guilty about their roles, not just working moms. I would guess that there are 10% of moms who work and 10% of moms who don't work outside the home who feel they can be completely honest about how they feel about their lives. I am certain that lots of working moms hide the fact that work is fulfilling for them, explaining that it is all about finances. I also know that lots of SAHMs do the same thing, saying it is all about the finances (day care is expensive!!), not feeling they can admit they find mothering quite fulfilling. Moms are expected to be "complete"- physically fit, attractive, well-dressed, nurturing, ambitious career-wise, taking the perfect amount of time off but not forgetting they have lives beyond children. You should stay home some amount of time, too little and you are cold and unloving, but if you stay home too long you seem lazy and empty.
All moms are shamed- it is just a question of who is doing the shaming and what it is about.
My post was supposed to start with "I didn't mean to make it seem like I didn't agree with you"
Instead, I had a massive typo that made the meaning completely wrong! I'm so sorry! I tried to post to correct it, but it didn't take, so if this double posts, I apologize again!
5 days? Day-amn. 5 days after laproscopic abdominal surgery, I could barely shuffle in bare feet, and I'm in reasonable shape. My sister's friend who had a c-section was pretty much incapacitated. Some women have all the luck. *jealous of her recuperative powers*
Either way, it's hard to imagine this is how she dreamed her early days as a mom would be.
Maybe this is exactly what she wanted. Not that hard to imagine.
But what if she didn't *really* recuperate in that amount of time, but felt her career was threatened by a longer absence?