I work in media relations, and receive several general inquiries a day via a wire service. I just received this one from Parenting Magazine, titled "Moms of Kids Under 5 to Gather Kids' Quotes."
The full request reads: Do you have a child who's 5 or younger? Would you like to help a desperate Parenting magazine editor? I'm doing a quote roundup and would appreciate it if you would ask your child, "What's the last thing mommy did that made you angry?" and then get back to me with his or her reply. It would be terrific if you could do this ASAP, as I'm trying to finish the piece by the end of the day. Please respond with your name, your child's name and age, your hometown, and an e-mail and phone number where you can be reached. Contact: [redacted].
So many issues here. To start with, the magazine is called "Parenting", not "Mommying," so you'd think they might also be interested in the perspectives of fathers. Secondly, it assumes that Moms are more likely to be at home near their children and able to talk to them right this moment. Finally, it just completely leaves the kids' relationship with fathers out of the equation. They want to know what mommies do to make kids angry, not what parents do.
My boyfriend is a single dad with 50% custody of his young daughter, and he is constantly annoyed by the way the media ignores the existence of fathers (except to portray them as bumbling idiots). I'm horrified too. My own dad was a working professional but still made us breakfast and packed our lunches every day, and helped with our homework at night as much if not more than our mom did. Flip through any parenting magazine, and the ads and articles make it clear that dads are simply not part of the formula. (The slight exception is WonderTime magazine, which does occasionally include quotes from and pictures of dads).
Leaving fathers out of parenting only promotes the stereotype of the uninvolved dad. And that isn't good for men, women or children.
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Eh -- this may be less about stereotypes and gender assumptions, and more about readership. In essence, it isn't necessarily that the writer thinks men are uninvolved, or women are at home -- but that men don't really read their magazine.
Regardless of how involved a dad is -- I doubt many read Parenting magazines. Magazine publishers and advertisers generally know who their readers are ... and, in the case of parenting magazines, their readers aren't men.
kbz
Mothers are definitely portrayed as the only truly involved parents in the media, and this attitude is prevalent elsewhere as well. Most people seem to think of dads as glorified babysitters who are slightly incompetent without constant supervision from the mom. The teachers at our preschool/daycare won't talk to a dad who's dropping off a child about any issue concerning the child, but will instead ask him to have the mom talk to them about it the next time she's there, or send home a note for her. They'll also ask questions like "does Mom want us to keep giving her Tylenol today?" My partner will answer "I don't know if "Mom" does, but I do, since she's still acting like her ears are hurting and the antibiotic probably won't start helping with that until tomorrow." Then they give him this weird look. It's almost like they're not sure if he has the authority to answer the question.
Then there's the fact that people fall all over themselves praising a dad who successfully changes a diaper or resolves a sibling conflict. They're so impressed and amazed. My partner is a really hands-on, involved dad, but he claims that dads are second-class parents, and I'm inclined to agree.
I agree, and in many instances it IS dads I see looking for information that is useful, whether that is Parenting magazine or not, I don't know. My partner is desperate to find resources that speak to him on his role in the birthing of our child, and I have really only found two books that speak directly to this issue, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and Birth the Way you Want; which both emphasize support, massage, and helping to physically stabilize mothers in laboring positions.
knitgirl- I don't think you are being oversensitive to this omission. I think I might have had a similar reaction and perhaps some well-worded letters to the editors of "parenting" type magazines would help.
We also got a book called "the birth partner" from the library.
LucyBell, here are some books I really found useful:
Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads
ISBN-10: 0743251547
ISBN-13: 978-0743251549
and
The New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First Year
ISBN-10: 0789208156
ISBN-13: 978-0789208156
Based on the fact that I liked his book on the first year so much, I'm prepared to recommend this book sight unseen:
The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-Be
ISBN-10: 0789205386
ISBN-13: 978-0789205384
So many books for expectant dads are of the "Dude, you're getting a baby!" school, and these manage to be useful without being insulting (and Be Prepared is also quite funny).
On the one hand, I get a ton of credit just for being minimally involved in my daughter's life. As one of the writers at Sweet Juniper says, "Sometimes being a dad is like the Special Olympics: you get a medal just for showing up."
On the other hand, when my wife got pregnant, I signed up for web updates on what was going on with her body and the developing fetus. Every single one assumed I was the pregnant one.
And when my daughter was born, I signed up for emails with info on developmental milestones, health alerts, etc. Only one of them them had a box to check in the registration process that I'm "not a Mom" (not "I'm a Dad"). Unfortunately, every single one of them assumes I am "Mom", including the one where I told them I'm not.
Of course, Susan Kane, the editor in chief of Parenting magazine recently told the NY Times that "My husband is, for all intents and purposes, the mom in our family. I’m really the breadwinner, he’s the cook, he does the grocery shopping, he’s home more often than I am. But I’m still the mommy," after explaining the special bond that only mom's can know.
So color me not shocked.
And for the record, I don't call this 'reverse sexism'. I call it yet another example of how patriarchy is bad for everyone.
Amen, amen, amen.
My boyfriend and I were both raised by stay-at-home Dads. Because of this, both of us struggle with comprehending the excessive dominance of the "Mom as the main parent" assumption. He and I are both intensely proud of our mothers and their career accomplishments, and our fathers both did an excellent job of raising us, taking care of the house, and supporting us. We both find it frustrating that our family upbringings are not reflected in our cultural as a whole. Even as a child, it was frustrating when other adults assumed that my Mum was the one who was the main parent. My boyfriend, currently, struggles with those who criticize him for lack of career ambitions, when what he really wants to do is have a family, raise his children, and work on the house.
Anyway, I'm sorry for this semi-rant... it just infuriates me when the possibility of a nurturing father is repeatedly ignored or undermined. I firmly feel that stay-at-home parents do important work in raising their families ... and that our society needs to work to ensure that men can feel comfortable and unashamed of being the primary parents.
I hate it when people assume that fathers can't be decent parents. No, not every man is a stellar father, but not every woman is a brilliant mother either. Good parenting isn't defined by gender. I think it's best for children if both parents are involved in raising them... even if they are separated.
Just in case the previous is misinterpreted: No, I don't think that each parent needs to be of a different gender; I'm fully supportive of same-sex couples as parents. And single mothers make for amazing parents too, even when they are forced to work a lot. My mom put in plenty of overtime at her work when I was younger, and I've somehow turned out ok (no crimincal record, no habitual prostitution...).
I worked for the brazilian version of Parents magazine. And the advice I give to anyone with kids I know is: don't buy that crap. Seriously, just don't. We had absolutely no freedom to write anything. And most of the "advice" you read there have a very specific goal: make you buy the products announced by that ad a few pages further.
The thing that made me leave the magazine was a piece a report about how important the presence of the father during labour time can be. I talked to a lot of doulas, moms, fathers and psychologists and I was really proud of my piece. After it was edited, they added this sentence:
"The man is NOT supposed to look at your vagina during the delivery, since you still gotta be seen as a woman by him".
Of course I complained about that. I said one thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other and that, deep down, that was a pretty sexist comment to make. Also, there's absolutely no scientific evidence that watching the baby come out decreases a man's desire for her wife. That's just so ridiculous.
But guess what? My editor said "sorry, that wasn't me. It was the editor-in-chief who wrote that and we can't change anything she writes".
Me: "even if she's plain wrong and offensive?"
Editor: "Umm... Yeah."
So I quit the job.
I'm shocked that a feminist blog, feministing of all feminist blogs, has actually *alluded* in a post to the experience of fathers. Maybe all the FRA is paying off?
The experience of father's is becoming this: Having their children ripped away, their status as a father turned into "visitor" (at BEST), and an economic provider for a child he rarely, if ever, sees. The mother is free to date and *move in* any man she pleases; men who are mostly strangers to the father. How would you feel if you knew some strange new man was living with *your* child, and you had no say in it? Annnndd you had to pay child support, knowing that on average only about 20% of this goes to Junior? Is the rest financing mommy's dates with baby-daddy? Are they buying condoms with your alimony checks?
This is why fewer and fewer men are excited about marriage, or the idea of having children.
Fatherhood is virtually destroyed and it's proven to have dire consequences for children.
My girlfriend shares custody with the father 50/50. He had her all summer long, and she has her during school, and he gets her every weekend. I tell her often how cool I think that is.
My motto, which I plan to have put on a T-Shirt:
1) Equal reproductive responsibility?
2) Then equal custodial rights
3) Or no cash, period!
If you're shocked, then it's likely you haven't spent much time here. The status of fathers as second-class parents, and the negative impact this has on both moms and dads, has been discusses in many threads here. In addition, the negative impact (on both men and women) that patriarchy and the rigid gender-roles it brings with it has been discussed repeatedly. I encourage you to take a look around in order to lose your strange preconceptions of what feminists discuss and care about.
And I don't get why the fact that the mother is free to date any man she pleases is a problem. Is the man not also free to date the woman of his choice? Does the mother have any say on whom he chooses to live in the same house with her child? The mother of my stepdaughter certainly had no choice. Fortunately we get along great and make an effort to show a united front, be flexible with our schedules, etc. But it could have turned out differently, so your point about this being so terribly unfair to teh menzz is puzzling at best and trollish at worst.
If feminists had their way, then the economic differences between men and women would be erased, which would make it just as likely that a woman would pay her ex-husband alimony as the reverse (and alimony is not the same as child support, FWIW). Men would be just as valued as women in terms of their contributions to parenting, which would make men just as likely to be awarded joint or full custody. And the gendered assumptions that women are 'just more nurturing' would be recognized as social constructions, not biological truths.
In short, if FRAs were honestly interested in solving the problems they claim to be so concerned about, they would regard feminism as an ally, not an enemy.
But they don't do that. News flash for FRAs out there: If you're threatening to withhold child support because you don't like what your ex-partner is doing with it, then you're not acting the best interests of your child. If you disparage your ex-partner in front of your child, you're not acting in the best interests of your child. And if you're made angry by the fact that your ex-partner is sexually active, even though you've broken up, then you're not thinking about your child, you're thinking about your ego.