To your cousin and others like her,
Dear young, ignorant, naive, privileged woman,

I am a mother and a feminist and that is precisely why I value motherhood. I am a women who has a career and is educated and that is why I am a feminist.
I witnessed my mothers generation experience less oppression than her mothers and I am changing the world as I write in the hopes that my god daughter and sons know less opression for women in their adult years than I have known.

I have paved the way for the likes of you.
i am alive and well thanks to a legal abortion, if it had not been legal, my son may have been orphaned due to an illegal abortion.

I hope to God who I know not as a man or a woman but as a non dual / omnipresent energy, that you will work in a world that values you enough to pay you equally for equal work. I pray and work towards a world where you wont have to have a husband or father co-sign for the purchase of the first home- a world where that home can be in your name already exists, thanks to feminists like my mother.

If I were you, I would be less concerned with whiny feminists and watch out for swift kick in your metaphoricaL ass feminists like me-
who have overcome more than you can obviously fathom.

Good luck with your education and may you know your privilege for the responsibility that it is.

I would say there are plenty of English courses (most of them) who will focus on male authors but very few who will focus on women (or minorities) and that this is a chance to explore writing that she will generally not encounter. Ask her if she can name five famous female authors and their most famous book off the top of her head. Ask her to do the same for men.

See the reaction.

Then ask her if she still thinks learning more about female writers is not worth it.

Tell her that when women 'whine,' it's usually just the stereotype that women talk too much setting in and telling you 'what she has to say is of no importance, you shouldn't have to listen to this.' Ask her if she ever bothered to listen, really listen, to what they say instead of saying "I have no interest, which means that they are whining." In my opinion, anyone who is willing to listen will understand at least to some degree why feminists 'whine' about inequality.

I had students who were IN a women's studies class and didn't want to hear about women, women writers or women's issues. I hear your frustration. Why don't students show the same disgust and outrage when an entire syllabus is filled with white, privileged, Western, male voices? Because it is normal.

With the exception of a few, most of the 19-22 year old students I had felt no connection to feminism, wondered why it mattered and repeatedly challenged my mantra that inequality still exists. They were there to fill an elective. However, when I started using feministing, showing movie clips, analyzing music lyrics, talking about the Ledbetter Fair Pay legislation and the university health policy cutting birth control- they suddenly wanted to listen. But they couldn't believe it. They thought I must be making this shit up. What I failed to understand, is that a mere 7-10 years separated us, but our worlds were different. They wanted to see everything as a personal failure, not a systemic problem. The American Idealism- pull yourself up by the bootstraps-mentality, individualism, etc. They had learned that if something went wrong, it must be just someone's personal shortcomings. We had to really look deeply at current events- Katrina, campaign news coverage, and local crimes to begin to unravel this mindset. It took a whole semester, but many left the class with "new eyes" they said. Good luck over the phone...might want to up your minutes package. :-)

Yeah, I was going to mention what the second commenter said. What was the proportion of male and female authors in past courses? Unlikely it's 50/50. So this course is concentrating on women. Why is it so explicit about its focus on women? Tell her how women authors in the 1800s had to use male names if they wanted to be published. Americans celebrate the accomplishments of men like Christopher Columbus every year and "accomplishments" of men are celebrated at Thanksgiving, Veteran's Day etc. I know we don't specifically frame these holidays as celebrations as men but ask her to think about it. These are not really celebrations of men's and women's accomplishments but of men's. Can't we have courses here and there that focus on women? What is wrong with focusing on ourselves?

Even if she doesn't relate to feminism, perhaps she can relate to the idea that men and women do have some different struggles in life. Do men have to worry as much about how they look, whether they get asked out, whether they're thin enough, whether a partner will be violent, etc. Is it fair that women have to worry about things that men on average worry about less?
There should be some way you can make it personal. If she doesn't really care about her looks or being thin, then she must have friends who worry about these things. Body image is a big feminist issue and a present issue. Does she know how much more likely a woman or girl is to have anorexia?

Since she's interested in motherhood, how about issues around that? Does she know most of the world has paid maternity leave? Does she know women who work full time still do a lot more of the caregiving and cleaning? How about daycare issues? (Or does she believe in significant gender differences because that would make it harder).

I think if she's willing to talk to you about feminism, even though she wishes that everyone would "stop whining", she is interested in feminism and is just dealing with internal conflict between who she's been and where she's going.

I would start with what she's close to, motherhood.
1) What about the rise of c-sections? What about hospitals that won't allow natural birth after c-section. What about the right to birth in a way you choose rather than your insurance or your state? What about the right to breastfeed?
2) What about childcare for working mothers? Unpaid maternity leave? The fact that mothers make less than single women in the workforce- whereas fathers make more than single men?
3) What about the fact that non-working mothers have limited access to health insurance ie through their husbands job or through private purchase? That health insurance costs way more than for women than for men (before we even factor in getting pregnant/ having kids- then its so expensive forget about it)? What about that men's drugs (such as viagra) get the fast track through the FDA whereas women's drugs take forever (Plan B)?

Good luck!

My roommate used to feel this way-- that feminism was outdated and didn't apply to her. She grew up with amazingly supportive parents and she simply couldn't fathom why any woman would feel threatened or negatively influenced by a buxom blonde on a magazine cover.

Granted, roommate is also blonde, petite, and about 102lbs.

But then she took a Gender Communications class as a part of her degree curriculum. And she came to me after class one day, "I never, never imagined that it was like that for women."

It had never registered to her how, not just women long ago, but her own peers and classmates face every day. Others' personal experiences can have an incredible impact on us.

Wow. I love this site. These thoughtful responses mean a lot to me. I really like the idea of talking to her about the issues related to motherhood and pay inequality. Also, great point about male writers dominating syllabi. I also had no idea c-section rates are that high.

When I hear these things, I feel a reaction in my chest. I feel moved either to anger or sadness or action, and it's hard to understand why she's not. Maybe it's just a matter of, like many of you said, hitting on what matters to her.

It was just so difficult for me to stay calm and warm toward her when I felt so strongly. It's funny - I'll speak my mind about feminism to most people, but it's actually easier when I'm not close to the person. There was a part of me that was afraid of scaring her away or saying the wrong thing. Ridiculous, I know, but it's true.

Thanks so much, everyone. Feministing is great.

Maybe telling her about the history of women would help? It definitely reinforced my feminist beliefs.

The history of women has been about subordination. A hundred years ago, your cousin would not have been able to vote. Fifty years ago, she would have been stuck in her home cooking, cleaning and making babies. About forty years ago, she would not have had any control over her body with regards to sex and reproduction. If it wasn't for feminists who fought so hard to end the subordination of women, she would most certainly have been held back in all aspects of life.

Perhaps putting it to her like that will have somewhat of an impact.

I took a similar class, "Writing Women." While I loved it, maybe get her initially to not worry about the feminist end of it. As an English class, just take it as literature for literature's sake. The rest will come after she appreciates the material for what it is, perhaps?

"But I felt pretty ineffective."
Good god thats why I HATE talking about what I believe to people that don't feel the same way to at least SOME degree.

You said that she can't think about the ways that feminism can relate to her personally, but if she is happy with her life, and happy with how she thinks it's going to turn out, maybe instead of trying to talk about why feminism is good for her, talk about why it is good for the many women who don't have it as good as she does. The typical hypocrisy I see in conservatives is their claim to care deeply about others, but be oblivious to the idea that what is working well for them may not work for everyone. Instead of telling her how feminism affects her, try to put in perspective some examples of when her views would negatively impact someone who would be left without any good options. She probably has an idealized view of how families are supposed to work, and doesn't really internalize the reality that for many women, the situation is much worse.

That's just the path I'd suggest trying.

Point her in this direction, or use it as a resource yourself for your chats:
http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/

Okay, long post here. Sorry....But, you know, something that frustrates me about these types of conversations, is that a lot of people not familiar with feminism, already seem to have their own preconceived (usually wrong and misguided) ideas about what feminism is. To them it encompasses something that "bra burning, hairy arm pitted lesbians did in the 60's"...it is "irrelevant and unnecessary because sexism is not a problem anymore"...and of course the classic "feminism is all about hating men and the superiority of women over men". You hear misinformed men and women describing feminists with all sorts of offensive terms like "femnazis", "uppity bitches", "ugly women who just can't get a date", "blood sucking baby-killers", etc. Obviously all these notions are false and are based on sexism and misogyny itself (which further proves the necessity of feminism)...However, when talking to people that buy into these falsities regarding feminism, I find it very hard to get around the stereotypes and misinformation in order to show them what feminism is actually about, and who feminists actually are.

I get especially frustrated regarding the ubiquity of all the mainstream, male-dominated websites that openly tolerate sexist and misogynistic attitudes. All these harmful stereotypes and misinformation about feminism seems to spread quickly because more people are exposed to it on mainstream websites, whereas feminist/women friendly sites tend to sit in the farther corners of the internet, outside the mainstream. Thus most women and men get an impression that because stereotypes and misinformation about feminism is so widespread, that it must be true. Rarely do you see people on these sites who question the sexism, misogyny or feminism-bashing attitudes of the overall culture. Thus it's very hard, to kill this majority opinion (misinformation) about feminism. On mainstream sites, I've seen women who are blinded towards and/or unaware of the omnipresence of sexism, so much so, that they themselves start expressing sexist attitudes to the point where they inadvertently denigrate themselves and other women without even realizing it. Even in the case of individuals that seem willing to listen, they tend to hold onto past learned notions of what feminism "really is" [You will see this phrase frequently on MRA and conservative websites i.e.; "what feminism is really about", as if it's some big conspiracy!]

Anyway, it seems that until a significant injustice or blatant example of sexism occurs, that a person may finally start to question some of the previously learned stereotypes and misinformation about feminism.

An example from my experience is of a woman who was fairly hostile towards feminism and didn't believe that sexism was a problem until she got out of college and started working in a male dominated field...she gradually started to notice that the men were treated markedly differently than herself and the other women. Attitudes towards male coworkers were more favorable and more respectful, whereas she was often sexually harassed, overworked, unappreciated, passed over for the better/most exciting assignments, and given fewer perks, compared to her male co-workers. Thus, it wasn't until all the blatant sexism and gender bias started to effect her in a profound way that she gradually started to question her previous notions about sexism, misogyny, and feminism.

Anyway, In my experience, it's been very hard to change people's previously learned (often hostile) attitudes towards feminism...However, I think there is some glimmer of hope...like I said, sometimes first hand experiences of gender bias or sexism can have a profound effect on people who don't currently believe in feminism...it can sort of "awaken them" to the realities of what is going on around them and at least start the questioning process. I've heard many feminists explain that "they didn't just start out as feminists". None of us were immune from the infusion of gender stereotypes and sexism that we saw growing up...however all us who later became feminists all sort of had these "great epiphanies" at some point or another, where we suddenly opened our eyes to the inequities around us. For me it was the realization that the sports played by boys was given a lot more importance than the sports played by girls. Why was this? I came to this realization after questioning why girls couldn't play little league with the boys despite that I was able to run faster, beat boys in arm wrestling contests, distance throwing, and other various athletic feats...these realizations and others spurred a re-examination of previously held beliefs...and helped lead me to feminism.

Perhaps you can try giving her some food for thought regarding sexism; try asking her some rhetorical questions that will get her thinking about gender discrimination and bias...maybe regarding issues she cares about but just never questioned from a different light (as was suggested perhaps try pay inequity or motherhood)...sort of lead her into questioning her own beliefs and perhaps she will come to her own "epiphany"...(although don't be too disappointed if she doesn't "wake up", because I think it's also something she will either come to on her own, or not)

Wow, that was long...I hope there is something useful for you in that big long rant.

What college does she go to? It wasn't too long ago that the majority of colleges were for men only. Maybe you could find out when her school went co-ed and tell her that this sort of thing isn't ancient history. Receiving the right to vote was less than a hundred years ago. Tell her about how difficult it was for young women, even in the 60's, to get birth control if they weren't married. Tell her about the many cases of women being denied birth control and having their prescriptions stolen from them in the past ten years. Unless she is so crazy pro-life she is against birth control, then there really is no hope. (you could also mention the many women who need birth control for medical reasons and having a pharmacist deny their medication could be dangerous and painful.)

I honestly can't imagine doing a women's literature class without discussing feminism. All female writers dealt with sexism, it's impossible not to, publishing is so sexist. Is her teacher really ineffectual, or is she just that anti-feminist?

Thanks for all the new posts as well. I really like the ideas here.

I'm glad to hear that other people have had difficulties talking to nonfeminist women about feminism. My cousin did mention something about communes of women who want men to serve them. Uh, what? What do you even say to that?

I've actually had more success talking about feminism to the men rather than the women. Isn't that odd?

It's tough, isn't it? Quick! In a couple of minutes, tell a super skeptical, unaware woman why she should care about feminism! I hate that she only cares about this present moment, and doesn't appreciate who has done the work before her.

She used to be a bartender, a job she loved. She'd purposely wear low-cut jeans with thongs, and skimpy tops. She said it was an easy way to make better tips, so why not? She said the comments that customers made really didn't bother her. And that's where even I get confused. I'm all for owning your sexuality and wearing what feels right, but that image just doesn't sit well with me. Plus, how can she not see how dressing that way fits into our culture's expectations?

Ha, my last post should say "I've actually had more success talking about feminism to the men IN MY LIFE rather than the women." Something about seeing that I only typed "THE men" made me laugh.

Oh, and my cousin is also basically against birth control. She's Catholic. Yeah. There's no room in her mind for anything but heterosexual marital sex...mostly for procreation. What's so funny is that she says she hopes her friends use condoms, but she doesn't like the idea of them. She didn't have a problem with the Catholic church saying that condoms don't prevent STDs or some such nonsense. So strange.

The thing is, I care about her, and I can't brush her off. Good thing you all gave me such good suggestions.

Tell her J.K. Rowling - one of the most famous female authors at present (she wrote the Harry Potter books) was told that she should use 'J.K.' instead of her first names if she wanted to be published.

She was told that readers would respond better if they didn't know she was a woman!!!!! Hence why she always uses her initials!!

Oh - and of course, the fact that it's HARRY Potter not Harriet!!

Does anyone else on Feministing think that as feminists we must be doing something very, very wrong if we can't convince at least most women to at least marginally join our cause? Instead of lamenting how sad it is that not enough people agree with us, let's start a dialogue about why women--a LOT of women--don't even like us when they are exposed to our best literature, our most convincing academics, or our most carefully researched theses. Is something fundamentally wrong with feminism today?