I've never heard anyone use it for good things, that's really odd. I used to know guys who would say things like "that test raped me" to mean they did badly on the test, and I used to get annoyed at that. But using it to mean something is cool? That doesn't make any sense.

There's a difference between "reclaiming" a word that is a derogatory term for a group of people, like those who want to reclaim the n-word or c*nt or whatever. The thing is, we don't NEED words that are derogatory for a group of people. If the n-word falls out of use completely or becomes a good thing... it doesn't really matter. It was a word that shouldn't have existed in the first place.

But rape does happen and therefore we need a word for it. Using that word to mean something completely different is random and strange and only causes confusion when people do want to talk about how they were actaully, you know, raped.

Ask them if they would talk like this in front of someone they knew had been raped. What if their sister or mother had been raped? Could they stand talking like that in front of her?

Well, I'm not the nicest person, but I'd try using the word "castrate" to mean the coolest. Maybe they would get the hint.

You also might want to have a conversation with them where you verify that they do, in fact, think rape is bad. Make sure you talk about "grey" rapes like date rape and acquaintance rape-- its easy to say you're against rape when it means someone jumping out of the bushes, but lots of people, especially younger guys, haven't thought seriously about what date rape is like.

When I lived in the dorms in college I hung out with a group of guys for a few months who seemed nice and fun and everything, until an acquaintance rape happened in our building and they all jumped immediately to "she's a lying slut who was asking for it" before they had even heard either side of the story. And I'm sure they all would have said that rape is bad.

Just to add: we reclaim language by re-appropriating the definition. Example: Bitch, obviously used as an insult, can be re-claimed when we as feminists say, yes, we are outspoken, we don't bow to the patriarchy, etc. But there's no way to take the definition of rape, forcing sex on someone, and make it a good thing. That makes no sense.

The difference here is that black people reclaim the N word, not white people. White people don't get to use the N word b/c they are perpetrators. Likewise, men don't get to reclaim the R word b/c they are perpetrators.

When explaining that fails, follow up every rape comment with "yeah, totally ball stomping." (thanks, Terebithia)

Of course, those male-oriented phrases are not equivalent, because one in four men don't experience castration or ball-stomping at some point in their lives, and if they did, there'd certainly be some sort of moral outrage, so the impact of what you're saying isn't the same.
Maybe pointing out that, probably, every single time they say 'rape' in a casual jokey manner there is a woman somewhere nearby flinching because of the destructive power of that word over her, because it has happened to her, and because, probably, she never told anyone, precisely for the reasons that Terabithia gives above.
Of course, if these guys don't see a problem with using such a destructive word in the first place, they'll probably just laugh at you and tell you to 'lighten up,' but it's worth a shot.

I'm a communications major, and I truly believe that language shapes how we feel and think about aspects of life. Your friends may think rape is bad, but they are keeping the "it's not that bad" air surrounding it by equating it with cool.

Ask them to explain why rape is equivalent to cool.
Tell them that men are raped as well, and they stand a chance of being raped. And look up more stuff about linguistics... I'm only a 3rd year student so I have not studied this a whole lot, just a bit!

I know someone who does that too. Like if he does really well on an exam he'll say, "I raped that test!" How does one even respond to that? "Congratulations?"

And frankly it makes me a little sick to my stomach because it's ridiculous and offensive to use "rape" in a positive manner. He's used the whole "reclaiming" argument, but more as just a way of making light of it and changing the subject.

I think I'll just have to go with "ball-stompingly cool" from now on. But like barefoot said above, there's no really good comparison because most men probably don't live in fear of being victimized via ball stomping.

Anyway, if this is a new trend I DON'T like it.

No No No!

I'm sorry, but I strongly believe that is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea! I can see where you're coming from, but I think it would backfire horribly. I've hung out with groups of boys like that before* and I know what would happen. It would turn into some sort of "male v. female" argument and it might bring up the response from them that "it's okay because you're doing it to us, too" and by responding with some comparison like ball-stompingly cool you're participating in the joke and keeping everything in the realm of light-hearted, funny, joke-y things. You won't help your case at all. You run a big risk of making it about "rape v. ballstomping" as opposed to the real, meaningful issue, which is that words don't exist in a vacuum and the way a they use language effects the way they and others perceive the act they are describing.

I second everything barefoot said. Emphatically. You also run into the problem that there really is no good word that you can use as a comparison for rape that will drive the message home. Not only because ball-stomping and castration are not common, not only because there is no such thing as "gray castration" and men don't have to fight the impression that ball-stomping is acceptable behavior, but sexualized violence is extremely gendered in this society. We live in a rape culture where women face the treat of rape and men have NO comparison. Those boys do not know what it's like to walk to your car at night with your keys in your hands because you're afraid of shadows. They don't know what it's like to double-check the lock on your apartment door because you're about to take a shower. They don't know what it's like to be told you can't wear that shirt because boys will try to take advantage of you. They don't know what it's like to pour out your beer at a party because you accidentally left it unattended and you never know. They've never sat up late at night with their best friend who is bawling his eyes out because he's pro-life but was raped and is now pregnant and does not want to drop out of school.

With the stats on sexual assault, most of us on feministing, most women, have a close friend or relative who was raped. One in four, people. One in four. When they use the word rape around women they stand a good chance of using it around a woman who was herself raped, and a very good chance of using it around a woman whose best-friend/sister/mother was raped.

I myself have never been assaulted, but it's staggering how many people I know have been. I know two girls who were molested as children. I know one male who was raped at 14. In high school, one of my best friends was raped. In college, one of my best friends was assaulted and another one was raped. I became friends with another girl who admitted that she was molested as a child. My grandmother was molested as a child. My mother was raped. Twice. I just got a phone call from one of my high school friends who is freaking out because her new roommate was raped and she doesn't know what to do about it.

So when I hear people use the word rape it is like a slap in the face. It is not funny to me. The meaning of that word can never be changed, and should never be changed.

Why? Why would they want to change the meaning of that word? Maybe they are trying to help by making the word less charged and scary for women, but if that is their intended goal, they are sorely misguided, because the only way that word will become less charged and scary for women is if women stop being raped. If it stops being a legitimate threat. Which it is. And castration and ball-stomping are not.

I am a gamer and I play World of Warcraft. I have a lot of gamer friends. None of my close friends think violence against women is casual or funny, but I've seen the word rape used casually among extended acquaintances. I never fucking stand for it. The most common argument I get back is that people use the word "murder" and "kill" as jokes all the time, so why not rape? "It's only the natural progression of language, because people always use the most charged word available."

So this is what I tell people:

1. You're right. It is the natural progression of language, but that doesn't make it acceptable for you personally to participate in it. You know what you said about words like "murder" becoming less charged because people used them too much? The number one reason why you, personally, should not use the word rape in a casual way is because removing the charge from that word would be very damaging and dangerous. While murder is never seen as socially acceptable, rape has a very complicated history, and is still "permitted" in a lot of ways. If necessary, we can talk about gray rape and marital rape as examples of how rape is more complicated than murder.

2. I can guarantee that you have never said the phrase "That test murdered me" around somebody who was personally murdered. However, if you continue using the word raped in a casual way, the chances are very, very high that you will sling it in front of a girl or woman who has been molested or raped. When you do this, you will probably hurt that person and create an environment that is hostile for her. You will very likely redirect her train of thought to a traumatic experience and she may feel less safe around you as a result.

On the one occasion when a male said it who I was close to, I skipped 1 and 2 and cut right to the chase (although this is an approach I would probably not take with most people):

3. That word is very charged for me and you make me uncomfortable every time you use it. If you wish to remain my friend, please refrain from using that word.

As a rule, I stay away from letting the men try and equate the word "rape" to a word that could be used against males. I do this because it is a straw man argument due to the fact that our culture does not treat men and women equally, and part of male privilege is the privilege to feel safe from sexual assault. Trying to explain rape in the context of rape culture and male privilege is much, much more difficult than making the issue personal and explaining how what they're doing is wrong on an individual level (as opposed to a societal level). So yeah, I think that joking about ball-stomping and castration is trivializing the issue and setting a straw-man argument up for the boys to focus on.

So yeah, I really don't mean to attack the idea that you guys had. I can see how it might be a casual, non-threatening way to explain the issue to male friends. Guys can get defensive and feel attacked when you go into "serious feminist" mode, and usually I just let the boys huff it off and whine a little bit, but I have noticed that addressing the issue always works and always makes them stop. I sometimes get the rep as being a bit of a militant, but I guess what it comes down to is... I don't care.

So that's my two cents. Or more like seventy-five cents, at this point. :-p

Beautifully put, Sabriel.

My tack would probably be slightly tasteless, but it depends on the guys and how well they know you/how much they like you, and how well you can act. Note: this will ONLY work if they really do care how you feel and would react with guilt if they hurt you accidentally. But if you think it will work with these guys... The next time they say it, gasp and seem terribly shocked/horrified/triggered. Cry if you can. Ask them things like "How could you say that? I was raped, and you think it's FUNNY?" When they get horrified and start apologizing and freaking out, tell them, "Actually, I wasn't. But one in four women has been. Every time you say that around a woman, remember that there's a 25% chance she has been raped, and you're going to terrify and hurt her by reminding her that people think it's casual and funny."

As I said, it's in pretty poor taste, and I'm sure I'm going to catch all sorts of hell about appropriating a rape survivor's pain and struggle for this kind of stunt. But if you can pull it off, it could be a slap to the face that might make these guys think about what the hell they're saying.

The gentler alternative would be to, the next time they say it, ask "If your sister or mother or girlfriend had been raped, would you still say that around her? No? Then why are you saying it around all these other women who may or may not have been raped, since you don't know? What makes their pain funny to you?"

Either way, speak up. Staying silent does no good. If you have to, as Sabriel said, just drop the explanations and stick with "I find it horribly offensive, and so long as you're using it, I will not be hanging out with you." Every time after that, as soon as they say it, get up and walk away immediately.

Good luck dealing with this.

I agree with Sabriel that making a comparison isn't going to work in and of itself unless you can communicate the feeling on castration or such being as prevalent and horrifying as rape is for women.

Imagine that castration was was like rape. Ask them to imagine that they were under threat of being drugged and castrated any time they went to a party or a bar. Ask them to imagine that it was possible that female friends and relatives they were sure they could trust could indeed have done this to them or to someone they know. Ask them to imagine that they went to the police to report that they were mutilated and the police responded by saying that they're lying to get the girls in trouble, or that they were asking for it in some way. If they don't look horrified yet keep going.
Then ask them if they thought it would be alright for you to use 'castrate' as a term for 'cool' and that just might get it across.

I agree with Sabriel that making a comparison isn't going to work in and of itself unless you can communicate the feeling on castration or such being as prevalent and horrifying as rape is for women.

People who make throw the word "rape" around like that in the first place probably have next to no empathy to begin with. Good luck trying to make them use their imagination on something that doesn't even happen at 1/10th the frequency as rape (women or men).

Even if you want to use castration or "ball-stomping" to make them aware, it will not work. I can already imagine such men playing World of Warcraft in a room, and typing stuff like "You better armor up or those bitches will ballstomp all over you/castrate your balls". It will then probably make it into everyday lingo along the same lines of ballbuster ("dude, did you see Jane today. She wanted to ballstomp all over me") Somehow, I have a hard time imagining any female players of WoW saying the same things about rape when talking about male baddies, nor women using the word rape in the real world so lightly.

It's the very similar reason as to why calling men sluts or whores doesn't work. Heck, I have seen men refer to themselves as sluts or whores, even in a proud manner and they can just laugh it off, something that women probably would not do.

Ugh. I was watching the Comedy Network earlier this evening and every so often, an ad for the John Dore Show would come on, with some hipster guy wearing a helmet, rollerblades or a skateboard (can't remember), and a pink tank top with the words "Rape the Pavement" in orange letters on it, riding around on his rollerblades and wiping out. It pissed me off every time I saw it.

I think a lot of guys don't think about rape as much as women because it's just not something they anticipate as a possible experience on a regular basis, like women do. It's a blind spot. I agree with the commenters who say that if you do bring up the topic with your friends, mention that any woman they say it around could have possibly been a rape victim and the use of the word could immediately remind them of their rape. And that even if they weren't, it's still insensitive to use it around women, due to the increased likelihood that a woman can be raped. In other words, it's a joke to your friends...but not to us. For us it's reality. As far as getting them not to use it around other guys, well that would probably be a losing battle.