VH1's latest foray into trashy reality television, TOOL ACADEMY, actually answers that question better than you think.
In case you missed the dazzling preview, here it is:
The premise is pretty basic: nine MAJORLY sorry excuses for men are sent to compete on what they think is a show called "Mr. Awesome." What they don't know -- and don't find out until they get there -- is that their "loving girlfriends" have sent them to compete on a show called "Tool Academy," basically because they act, well, like tools. The object of the show is to compete, with their girlfriends, in a series of competitions in an effort to "de-tool" (for lack of a better word) themselves, and the one who makes the most improvement wins $100,000.
Wow.
Just...wow.
First of all, it bears stating: NO ONE, outside of a majorly self-serving jerk, would even THINK of competing in a show called "Mr. Awesome." The most awesome people I know -- male AND female -- don't walk around declaring their awesomeness...they simply ARE, and everyone around them knows it.
Second, lest you think these guys just lack basic Victorian-era manners (which, in my opinion, isn't necessarily a "tool" qualifier -- one can have Victorian-era manners and still be a tool, and one can lack these social graces and still be awesome), these guys are tools because they do things like cheat on their girlfriends, take their money and lie slugabed about the house, lie to them, demean them...you know, all those fun things that make a guy just "so awesome"!
Third, while it's encouraging that society (at least on the surface) seems to no longer encourage men to act like jerks, it's mighty disappointing that these guys only seem "embarrassed" by their behavior AFTER their girlfriends were shown the videotape of them acting like the aforementioned jerks that they are (meanwhile, they seemed MIGHTY proud of themselves on the tape).
But while I can't say enough bad things about these guys who participate in this trainwreck -- where, even if you argue that "reality TV" isn't really "real," it speaks volumes that these men would allow themselves to be portrayed in this way -- it's the WOMEN on this show who make me even more ashamed.
Now, I know that some would argue that these women are the "victims" of these emotionally abusive jerks. And, to a degree, that is certainly correct: it's obvious that a vast majority of these women have serious self-esteem issues, and these men obviously took the opportunity that was presented to them.
However, part of the point of being a feminist is to be empowered, and this empowerment includes shunning victimization, especially in situations like these where victimization can be prevented.
I wish I could feel sorry for women who end up in relationships with guys like these -- and, certainly, in my younger years, I myself got caught up in relationships like these. Then I wised up -- and realized that one is only a victim in these circumstances when they ALLOW it.
If you, as a person, allow ANYONE (as a person, whatever they define themselves as, and IF they define themselves at all) to mistreat you, to disrespect you, and to run roughshod on your integrity and self-esteem, they will...but DEMAND respect, and SHOW it in return, and you will be treated as the empowered person that you are.
(And if that person DOESN'T treat you the way you deserve to be treated, the bonus is that you're empowered enough to realize it, and kick them to the gutter where they belong...this goes for professional relationships, too. In all my professional years, especially in the entertainment industry, I was NEVER told I couldn't do something simply because I was a woman, nor was I EVER given a demeaning tag -- i.e., "groupie" -- by fellow professionals, and ESPECIALLY not by the men in my field. Of course, I had a mother who was President of a Teamster local, so it's not like professionally empowered women were only on the pages of MS. in my world...)
Unfortunately, it seems to be a near-epidemic in this country amongst young girls and women: that they must, simply MUST, get their self-worth validated through men, regardless of the cost to their self-esteem or dignity.
Where have we gone wrong, as women, to allow this to happen?
What happened to the women of the new feminist movement -- the women who, in the 60's and 70's, marched for our right to be paid equally, who burned their bras in salute to the patriarchy, who refused to be treated like little more than property?
Are THESE the daughters they raised?
Who's more foolish...these guys, or the women that put up with them?
In closing, I just have to say...it's all about self-respect. Either you're lucky enough to have parents who teach you to have some, or you acquire it along the way. Either way, it's an empowering thing...it prevents you from being, and being around, a tool.
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I pretty much agree with everything you said. You do teach people how to treat you, and when you allow them to treat you poorly you are giving them permission whether that is your intention or not. Women like the ones in the show who complain about their cheating boyfriends (that they of course are still with) are a good example of this. Interestingly, they want the guys to change or improve but usually lack the insight into how they need to improve or change themselves. Until they do, they will just keep repeating the same pattern with some other jerk. People have the right to be jerks (excluding criminal behavior, of course). If someone is a jerk, cut them out of your life. If you can demand that he change for you then he can also demand that you change for him. I'm not saying it is easy, but a lot of things worth having/doing seldom are. If I were any of those women I'd be embarrassed for anyone to know I was with such a tool because your choice of partner reflects on you.
I mean, the guys are clearly the bigger "tools." It's not like I think the women are just poor delicate flowers who can't help it or something, I just think it's really not helpful to shame women who are in a bad situation. I mean, this is sort of like expecting your overweight "friend" to join a gym if you start calling them fat and ugly all the time. Women are responsible for their own actions, but they are not actually responsible for how people treat them -- victim-blaming (even blaming women for their own rapes because of the clothes they were wearing or some such) isn't far behind, if you start down that slippery slope.
It is not a slippery slope to suggest that there is a difference between someone treating you poorly once in an interpersonal relationship vs. someone continually treating you poorly while you continue to keep them in your life. No one else is responsible for your self-esteem. There will always be jerks in this world (of both sexes) and it is not realistic to think that everyone will just decide to play nice because it's the right thing to do. It is up to you to decide who you share your heart and body with, just as it is up to you to choose which foods to eat and whether or not to smoke. I do not see those statements as victim blaming but rather seeing that both the jerk and the co-dependent are often two sides to the very same coin. That is why people usually have a 'type' or a pattern if you look at their dating history. There are plenty of men out there who are attracted to damaged women who need saving in the same way there are men who are attracted to desperate women with low self esteem. It isn't exclusively a matter of gender and many people do not learn from their past mistakes and keep picking the same people over and over each time thinking that this time will be 'the one'.
I do not see how anyone can become empowered by just waiting for everyone else to be better so that they don't have to do the hard work of learning how to respect and stand up for themselves.
I mean, all this is "true" superficially, but responding to this information by focusing on what the women are doing "wrong" itself conveys a certain message, which is: if someone treats you badly, it is your own damn fault.
No, it is only your fault (being in a bad relationship) when it becomes the norm because somewhere along the line this guy learned that he could treat you any way he wants and you will still sleep with him, cook for him, be there for him......on his terms no less. I know I will get bashed for that but you must acknowledge that the first step to encouraging more bad behavior is by tolerating it. Anyone can be a victim once. Look, most people change negative behaviors because they HAVE to. Something happens to precipitate change when the old behavior no longer has the same payoff. Why should someone be motivated to change when they can be as they are and still have everything the way they want it? Because it's what a 'good person' does? Well, being a 'good person' may not be all that high on their list of priorities. The reason I think it is so imperative for women to examine the choices we make is that if we don't we continue this cycle of helplessness and we will only spend our lives trading in one jackass for another. There really are a lot of wonderful men in the world but you need to value what they offer (affection, security, respect) as opposed to the drama that comes with these Tool guys.
Thanks for this, Crumpet! I appreciate it. Yes, exactly: I, too, went for all the "wrong" guys in my younger years (as I said in my article).
In my own reflections -- as a woman, as a feminist, as a person -- I've come to realize that it's THEIR fault for being tools, but the minute I put up with their mistreatment of me, it becomes MY fault for allowing it.
My point wasn't to shame the victim, idiolect. There's a HUGE difference between being a rape victim (as was cited above) and being in a relationship with a guy like this.
When one is a rape victim, she is rendered powerless through no fault of her own.
When one is in a consensual adult relationship (key words) with a jerk like one of these aforementioned guys, she is rendered powerless through her own design.
Part of the point of being a strong woman is to refuse the notion that we are perpetual victims. WE need to find the inner strength to reject this notion that we need validation from men like this (ESPECIALLY men like this) and realize that part of the responsibility (not necessarily blame, maybe) lies with us.
I wanted to add that I, like many other women, also have a history of chasing all the wrong guys and making excuses for why they really aren't as bad as everyone else tried to tell me they were. It sucks to look back on that time in my life and think of what I wasted, but it also gives me perspective. Sometimes I am in awe of how different my life became when I started to really respect myself for who I am and not compare myself to other people. It has altered the kind of men that are attracted to me, but even moreso than that I really feel that I can do anything i put my mind to and I have real confidence as opposed to the fake kind I had in my early 20's. Positive change can happen when you really take charge of your life instead of leaving it up to other people.
When one is in a consensual adult relationship (key words) with a jerk like one of these aforementioned guys, she is rendered powerless through her own design.
Through her own design? I'm sorry, but say 'said woman' is in a 'consensual adult relationship' and he starts beating up on her. Is it her fault because she didn't see the signs and leave him earlier? What about emotional abuse, which is more likely what these jerks are participating in? Is the emotional abuse part of her responsibility because she's not leaving?
Why on earth has nobody else come on here and SLAMMED you for these views? As someone who also has experienced an emotionally abusive relationship, I understand that yes, being empowered and making a stand is important - but to say that women should "accept the responsibility" if they don't leave? What if they're not in a position to leave say, economically or because of children?
I just think it is the most naive, anti-feminist post I've ever read on Feministing. It's just disgusting to me that you could even post this about women who are obviously being mistreated. YES, I would prefer they stick up for themselves and leave. YES, I can see mistakes that I too have made and don't intend to make again. But NO, I DO NOT THINK THAT WE SHOULD BE POSTING ON A PUBLIC FORUM ABOUT HOW "FOOLISH" AND UNFEMINIST THESE WOMEN ARE JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE WITH SHITTY MEN - BLAMING SOMEONE WHO IS BEING MISTREATED BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING MISTREATED IS DISGUSTING. FURTHERMORE IT IS DISGUSTINGLY PATRONISING: YOU DON'T KNOW WHY THESE WOMEN ARE IN THESE RELATIONSHIPS, AND BLAMING THEM FOR STICKING AROUND IS PARAMOUNT TO BLAMING A MOLESTED CHILD FOR CONTINUING TO HANG OUT WITH HIS/HER MOLESTER - IT HAPPENS AND IT SUCKS BUT IT IS SOMETIMES PART OF THE PROCESS AND PSYCHOLOGY OF ABUSE.
(/rant)
In other words: Be frustrated, be upset that this is how women are dealing with things, but do NOT judge other women for making mistakes which you made, and do NOT presume to know their situations or blame them for someone ELSE acting like a dick. THAT'S antifeminist.
Yeah damn straight! I absolutely detest this kind of reasoning shown in this post, that they should 'wise' up like you because you're so great and intelligent, and leave - exactly how easy is that? Are you meant to magic money out of thin air so you can you know have a place to live and whatnot? And does your self-esteem drastically rise out of nowhere?
Fuck that, WE SUPPORT EACH OTHER. Not blame other women for being in awful situations, WE HELP THEM, that IS FEMINISM.
Okay then. Why don't you just spend the bestter part of your days talking about how wrong it is of your boyfriend to be a jerk. Even if we assume that it is all his fault that the relationship is dysfunctional, where does that get you exactly? All the PC psychobabble in the universe will not alter the fact that you cannot change other people, only how you respond to other people (by avoiding them, breaking up with them, pressing charges if they commit a crime against you). That's it. Until people (not just women because this is not an issue exclusive to male/female relationships) accept that they will spend the best part of their lives in a cycle of one bad relationship after another. While some of you are talking about physical violence, I'm really talking aobut your run of the mill douchebaggery, most of which does not fall into the realm of criminal activity such as hitting someone or killing their cat. It is USELESS to spend your energy trying to figure out 'why' some guy is constantly hurting your feelings by putting you down or cheating on you or standing you up. Sometimes you just have to accept that the person you are with acts like a jerk because that is what they ARE and you need to respond to THAT. So let's say he's an insensitive asshole. What are you going to do about it? How do you make him be more decent? You can't. You can't make somebody not be a jerk any more than you can make someone love you when they don't or stop drinking when they don't want to. Not everyone stays with hurtful people simply because they lack the resources to leave. Often people are addicted to the individual who makes them feel bad and it is imperative that they learn why pain and love are inextricably intertwined in their minds and why they see value in someone who brings them down. This does NOT apply soley to women, as many females can be just as emotionally cruel as men can be, and there are men who are stuck in a pattern of being with women who use them and betray them,too.
People who have patterns of being attracted to toxic people have got to come to terms with what is going on inside them that propels them towards these kinds of toxic relationships. It is the only viable way to improve your situation. It is about empowerment. If someone disagrees, please explain to me how you intend to go about wiping all the lying, cheating jerks off the face of the earth so no one has to deal with them anymore. Maybe we can bottle it and sell it and make a fortune.
Why on earth has nobody else come on here and SLAMMED you for these views?
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Because people are entitled to disagree, but not SLAM. And considering that, as the next poster said, as feminists, we're all supposed to help each other, SLAMMING is counter-productive, unintelligent, and anti-feminist. Feminism is not about CONSTANT anger, railing against everything just because you disagree with it. Throwing your fist in the air doesn't, in and of itself, make you a feminist, and neither does blasting women whose viewpoints don't jive with your own. It's OK to disagree, but NOT OK to attack.
There are feminists who are strippers (some post on here), and there are feminists who are anti-stripping. There are feminists who like porn and believe porn stars are feminist; there are feminists who believe that porn is demeaning and anti-feminist (as I do, or at least, the "conventional," Hollywood porn). There are feminists who are pro-life, and feminists who are pro-choice.
I could go on and on, but you get the idea.
And for the record, I've been in both physically AND emotionally abusive relationships. It took ONE strike for me to leave the physically abusive one, and a VERY long time to leave the emotionally abusive one. So I know of what I speak. I wish the 31-year-old me could go back in time and give them 21-year-old me the essay I posted...maybe I'd have gotten out sooner, or avoided it altogether.
But I REFUSE, REFUSE, to be called a "victim" of an abusive relationship, regardless of how bad it was (and believe me, you have NO idea). My victimization is his empowerment, and I refuse to do that.
BLAMING SOMEONE WHO IS BEING MISTREATED BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING MISTREATED IS DISGUSTING.
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Please show me WHERE I blamed the women for being mistreated.
I did NOT blame them for being mistreated. I blamed them -- actually, PUT THE RESPONSIBILITY ON THEM -- for staying in the relationship AFTER they recognized that they were being mistreated.
Newsflash: if you're sending your boyfriend to a show entitled "Tool Academy," YOU HAVE THE WHEREWITHALL TO KNOW YOUR BOYFRIEND IS MISTREATING YOU. And in this case...these women not only KNOW it, they're EXPLOITING it for financial gain. That is a WORLD of difference from a woman trapped in an abusive relationship with no means of getting out. EXPLOITING VICTIMIZATION FOR FINANCIAL GAIN IS DISGUSTING.
In WHAT feminist rhetoric does it say that it's OK to refuse to accept personal responsibility for your actions? These women recognize they're being mistreated, but instead of taking responsibility for themselves, they put the responsibility on men, AND expect to reap financial rewards for it.
AND BLAMING THEM FOR STICKING AROUND IS PARAMOUNT TO BLAMING A MOLESTED CHILD FOR CONTINUING TO HANG OUT WITH HIS/HER MOLESTER
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There is SO much wrong with this logic that I don't know where to begin.
First of all, comparing a woman to a child, regardless of her circumstance, is more anti-feminist than ANYTHING you claimed that I've purported here. A child is a child, a defenseless being. A woman is NOT defenseless, and to suggest she is IS anti-feminist.
Second, AT NO TIME did I compare "a child for continuing to hang out with his/her molester" to a woman who continues to hang out with her abusive boyfriend/girlfriend/sig. other. In the FIRST instance (child/molester), the child is powerless, and a victim in every sense of the word. There is NOTHING consensual about it -- a child CANNOT consent -- and the molester is the worst kind of creep that belongs in whatever ring of Hell you want.
IN THE SECOND INSTANCE, both are consenting and knowledgeable adults who can leave at any time. And, again, I will repeat, FOR THE RECORD: IN THE CASE OF THESE WOMEN, WHO SEND THEIR JERK BOYFRIENDS TO A REALITY SHOW NAMED "TOOL ACADEMY," AND DO SO TO REAP FINANCIAL GAIN OFF OF THEIR EXPLOITATION AND THEIR BOYFRIENDS' SCUMBAGGERY, WHO ARE NOT VICTIMS BUT WILLING PARTICIPANTS IN THIS FUCKERY, IT IS ANTI-FEMINIST IN THE EXTREME.
[/rant]
In summary, as Crumpet (above) said so perfectly:
"Not everyone stays with hurtful people simply because they lack the resources to leave. Often people are addicted to the individual who makes them feel bad and it is imperative that they learn why pain and love are inextricably intertwined in their minds and why they see value in someone who brings them down. This does NOT apply soley to women, as many females can be just as emotionally cruel as men can be, and there are men who are stuck in a pattern of being with women who use them and betray them,too.
People who have patterns of being attracted to toxic people have got to come to terms with what is going on inside them that propels them towards these kinds of toxic relationships. It is the only viable way to improve your situation. It is about empowerment."
Empowerment IS feminist. And sometimes the cost of empowerment is political correctness.
This is a call to ALL women of today to empower themselves, and going on a reality show to exploit themselves and their victimization in the name of the almighty dollar IS NOT FEMINIST.
I agree again.
For people who are offended by my statements and those of the original poster, let's examine this another way:
Toxic people can be found in all walks of life, in all types of relationships. So let's say your little sister who is a high school freshman is 'best friends' with a girl who teases her about her weight, tells her sworn secrets to others, flirts with her boyfriend, and spreads malicious gossip about her behind her back. When confronted about this behavior, she accuses your sister of being 'too sensitive' and says that she just can't take a joke. Sometimes she might even say she is sorry, but she keeps doing the same mean things over and over. Sometimes she tells her the other stuff is all in her head and she must just be crazy to think she would do anything so mean to her. What is your response? Keep in mind that the friend is not always actively cruel to your sister and that sometimes she is very friendly and encouraging and fun to be around.
Do you sit with your sister every night and rehash all of these abusive behaviors and just keep telling her over and over that her friend is the one with the problem and that she should work on being nicer to your sister? Sure, you can offer support and affirmation, but don't you think at some point you would suggest to your sister that she reevaluate this so-called friendship? Would you point out to her how her friend's behavior more closely resembles that of an enemy instead of a true friend? Would you suggest to her that perhaps she would be better served to try to minimize her interactions with this friend and try to develop healthier friendships with others who are supportive and trustworthy? Of course, your sister doesn't deserve to be treated this way but realizing that is not going to make her friend alter her behavior.
I think that maybe you should not be slammed, but your opinions do anger me and make me wonder how someone who was in an abusive situation before could write something like this.
As someone who works very closely to victims of domestic violence, it is very clear that it is counter productive to ask a woman who is in this type of relationship why she doesn't leave or why she can't stand up for herself. I can't even begin to list the reasons why the people who are being affected by an abuser can't leave them. It is great that you were able to, but that does not work for everyone, especially right away. Pressuring someone who is abused to leave often makes the situation worse and gets them more isolated and stuck in that relationship - judging them makes them feel like they can't reach out to anybody who will understand them. They fear everyone will lash out at them just as you did in your post. So, I guess an answer to your post as to why these women take it is because people like you treat them this way.
I just wish that you would be more sensitive to the situations of other people that are going through this and really consider what you are saying. I must say initially reading this I was just as upset as Pannadol, and I do agree that this is the most insensitive anti-women post that I have ever read on Feministing.
I think that maybe you should not be slammed, but your opinions do anger me and make me wonder how someone who was in an abusive situation before could write something like this.
As someone who works very closely to victims of domestic violence, it is very clear that it is counter productive to ask a woman who is in this type of relationship why she doesn't leave or why she can't stand up for herself. I can't even begin to list the reasons why the people who are being affected by an abuser can't leave them. It is great that you were able to, but that does not work for everyone, especially right away. Pressuring someone who is abused to leave often makes the situation worse and gets them more isolated and stuck in that relationship - judging them makes them feel like they can't reach out to anybody who will understand them. They fear everyone will lash out at them just as you did in your post. So, I guess an answer to your post as to why these women take it is because people like you treat them this way.
I just wish that you would be more sensitive to the situations of other people that are going through this and really consider what you are saying. I must say initially reading this I was just as upset as Pannadol, and I do agree that this is the most insensitive anti-women post that I have ever read on Feministing.
"this is the most insensitive anti-women post that I have ever read on Feministing."
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Really? We have men and women who come on here who slam women for being prostitutes, call women "house-whores" (amongst other invective), and THIS is the most "offensive" thing you've ever read here?
I appreciate your feelings, and we certainly have the right to disagree on things, but superlatives aren't exactly productive. Nor is constant ANGER at everything someone posts that you may or may not agree with (and, frankly, a view which you didn't understand...se below).
If you read what both Crumpet, one other person (whose username escapes me...sorry), and myself have posted, you would understand that this post is calling out these women who went on this show for their anti-feminism. (The first sentence: "VH1's LATEST FORAY INTO REALITY TELEVISION." Am I calling out women who are trapped in physically and/or emotionally abusive relationships and have no means of getting out with that sentence? NO. Am I calling out the women who agreed to this show, in exchange for a fee and a chance to win money? YES. Understand another thing: THESE WOMEN HAVE THE WHEREWITHALL TO KNOW THAT THEIR BOYFRIENDS ARE JERKS. THEY ALSO KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. What would be empowering about this show is if, instead of giving the MEN the money for their "improvements," they would give the WOMEN the money for showing that they won't deal with this garbage. But this show isn't about women in abusive relationships -- it's about men who act like jerks, played up for laughs, "ha ha" and all that. It's bad enough that the MEN agreed to this, but they're already jerks, so you expect nothing less -- and before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm referring to THESE men. But the WOMEN who agreed to exploit and trivialize victimization are MUCH worse. Much feminist rhetoric focuses on how women should stick together, not knock each other down...how does this show demonstrate how women should stick together?)
These women on this show ARE NOT "VICTIMS." They are making a mockery of victimization -- and in fact trivializing REAL victims WHO HAVE NO MEANS OF ESCAPING THEIR ABUSERS.
ONCE AGAIN, FOR THE RECORD: THIS IS NOT A POST ABOUT WOMEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. THIS IS A POST ABOUT WOMEN WHO EXPLOIT THEMSELVES, AND IN FACT MAKE A MOCKERY OF VICTIMIZATION, ON REALITY TELEVISION, IN EXCHANGE FOR MONEY.
THIS IS NOT A POST ABOUT PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. THIS IS A POST ABOUT THESE WOMEN GOING ON THIS SHOW, MAKING THEMSELVES LOOK FOOLISH, AND TRIVIALIZING REAL VICTIMS.
[/rant]
A GOOD outlet for your anger would be the creator of this show, the executives who decided it would be a good idea to air it, the men on this show who think it's OK to treat women like garbage, and the women who think it's OK to trivialize victimization.
I just held a mirror up to this situation -- THE WHOLE SITUATION, THE WHOLE PREMISE OF THE SHOW, IS DISGUSTING.
But I expect MORE of women than men. Because we ARE powerful, beautiful, strong, and independent beings, who should NOT be victims of any stripe.
Forgive me for thinking women should be better than this mess.
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"make me wonder how someone who was in an abusive situation before could write something like this."
I will repeat my mantra, given to me by the people who helped me get out of the bad relationship: MY VICTIMIZATION IS HIS EMPOWERMENT. I stripped away his power over me. (And I'm not the only victim to do so...)
And once again, I am the FIRST one to be enraged in situations of physical and emotional abuse towards women, and do what I can to get these women OUT of these situations. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE CASES. This is a case where women trivialize victimization in exchange for money.
As a counselor to women, please tell me HOW a reality show named "Tool Academy" empowers the victims you counsel. Please tell me HOW it helps these women when they see a show like this.
It doesn't. THAT is the point. THESE women are anti-feminist in the extreme.
Sorry for the double post. The first time it said the post did not go through.