So I have a crush. (Yes, a crush.) It recently developed and suddenly I’ve noticed all these changes occurring in my day-to-day life and routine as a result. I suddenly wear makeup every day, even when I’m not sure if I’ll see him or not. I’m spending more and more time in front of the closet or dresser, trying to pick something out that will make me more attractive. I suddenly have a new motive to blow dry my hair and use lotion on my legs every day.
In short, I’ve become a cliché.
I’ve become everything that a typical, neurotic, boy-obsessed teenage girl is supposed to become when she likes a boy.
Today, amid re-applying of my eyeliner, and checking my phone to see if he’d texted me recently, I really had to take a step back and look at myself. It was a strangely eye-opening experience. Suddenly my head was filled with questions: What am I doing? We’re already good friends minus the pounds of makeup (okay, not pounds, I exaggerate) and the nice hair, so why do I feel the need to do this? What does this say about me? I’m getting ahead of myself, I know, but if he were to like me back when he saw me like this how successful of a relationship could it end up being, since eventually I’d end up not “grooming” as frequently? And again, in this imaginary relationship, if I still feel the need to dress myself up on a daily basis, how true of a relationship would it end up being?
I tried discussing this with several of my friends but none of them seemed to understand my dismay and only complimented me on how nice I’d been looking lately. And then I came to another realization that up until now, I had been feeling better about myself by always wearing clothing that complimented me without going out and purchasing an entirely new wardrobe. It wasn’t because of anyone’s response, but because I personally just happened to like the way I looked better when I had on a hint of makeup.
Now, I’m still putting on some makeup and trying to wear complimentary clothing all the time, but I no longer feel manic or desperate. I just feel like myself. And if on some days I wake up too late to put on makeup, or all my nice clothes are in the wash, that’s okay too. I’m in a pretty good place. I just wonder why it took a boy to get me here.
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Oh man I can totally relate! =D I've been through this line of action so many times. Especially in high school! Your last line was very intriguing. "I wonder why it took me a boy to get there." That's a great question. Life is strange in how circuitous it can be in its teachings. It seems you've learned a lot from this; that you have some sexist expectations ingrained in you (but don't feel bad, we all do!) but that you also enjoy dressing up for the way it makes you feel. Which makes sense, because there's nothing inherently bad about dressing up or making ourselves up. It's only the context within which it happens that can change its meaning entirely.
Anyway, just wanted to share that I totally relate! It was like reading something I might have written a few years ago.
Having gone through this experience myself recently, I have one epiphany to share:
it's not really a boy ... it's a romantic interest. :) Isn't it entirely possible that you'd do the same if you had that kind of interest in a woman?
Yes, we can get into a complicated discussion about "well a woman probably understands the work blah blah wouldn't care blah", but I know I used to go through the same (admittedly minimal) "look cute!" procedures for my girlfriend. I didn't feel oppressed by the patriarchy then, and I realized there's no reason why I should when I do the same for my boyfriend.
It doesn't have to be a "girls like/have to dress up for MEN" thing. Maybe it's just that you've found you enjoy looking nice for a person you're interested in romantically. (And for yourself- which is great too!)
Her original statement that it was "for a boy" seemed accurate. For others, it might have been for a girl ... but, in her story (the story she told here), it was for a boy.
I understand the drive to generalize heteronormative statements, but lets not force people to generalize specific statements about their specific stories. In this case, she wasn't making a general heteronormative statement -- she was making a specific statement about a specific heterosexual circumstance. "For a boy" (as opposed to "for a romantic interest") is absolutely accurate in this case.
kbz
Oh no, don't misunderstand- I wasn't implying that she needs to use generalized statements or anything like that. Nothing wrong with talking about personal experience!
I was just saying that it doesn't need to be something that's tied to the patriarchy, it's, as Bekka said, primal. It's not necessarily about the fact that he's A Man (aside from the fact that that's the gender you're sexually attracted to), it's about the fact that you're attracted at all. That's what I meant to say.
I mean it as a way to assuage any perceived guilt about changing something for "a man" which can become a symbol for "men" which can become a symbol for "the patriarchy". Because it's not really about that for you, is it? It's just about the attraction that you have to this other person.
You're right though. Sexual orientation wouldn't change this situation in the slightest.
I was just speaking from a personal experience.
awesome story. I'm always happy to hear about somebody dressing in a way that makes them feel the best, not for somebody else.
its not a trade off either--a relationship is best when both partners want eachother to feel the best, right? Thats when the patriarcy can kindly shove it.
You know, this happens to guys, too. They start bathing, trimming their nails, checking their threads, etc. It's what attraction is all about.
It all ends after the fateful words "I do" or earlier depending on your mileage.
See The Worst Thing You Can Do To Your Lover.
Cecilieaux, I have to disagree with you. I'm married and the attraction hasn't ended- feel free to state your opinion, but please don't make big sweeping generalisations about marriage. Everyone's thoughts about marriage are different; I'll agree that marriage as a social norm is damaging to many, many people, but I think there'll always be a drive in some people to spend the rest of their lives getting to know someone completely, warts and all.
Sorry to pull this off-topic, but you did just make a sweeping generalisation that invalidated a huge part of who I am, and that's not cool.
The reason this happened, that you suddenly started paying so much attention to your appearance, in my opinion, is primal. It's like a mating dance, or a peacock displaying his feathers to attract a mate.
For the record, guys do it too, and it's not entirely terrible. Doing it for someone, anyone else, is bad...mostly. Doing it for yourself, is great. You should always take pride in your appearance for you.
For the record, I got my fiance's phone number the first time when I was wearing an over-sized shirt, over-weight, smoking, and eclipsed (beauty-wise) by my stunning best friend who was standing right next to me. Sometimes the mating dance isn't necessary.