This past Valentine's Day, I went and got my navel pierced. It's something I've wanted for years, ever since I was thirteen and I saw a pierced bellybutton in person for the first time: it belonged to a girl in my gym class whom I admired and, if I'd been aware of my bisexuality at the time, on whom I would've said I had a crush. But I always told myself I would only get it pierced when I "lost enough weight" or "got thin enough". Now, I am not the world's fittest person, but I'm healthy enough to climb Mount Fuji and run a couple of miles at a time. My body might never grant me a career in Hollywood or an Olympic medal, but it's a good body that gets me where I need to go and is mostly pain-free most days, which I'm aware is more than a lot of people get. But I still have a BMI of 29, which is cause enough for loathing in this society.
Several months ago, my fiance and I broke up, and he almost immediately started dating a woman who weighs twenty pounds less than I do (and, despite that, has bigger breasts, to add insult to injury) and is a model for a local clothing store. If I didn't hate my body before he met her, good God did I after. Very few days went by that I didn't look into a mirror and mentally pick myself apart-- I'd wish my belly was smaller and flatter; that my breasts were bigger, or at least perkier; that my nose was straighter; that my hair was redder; that the pale stretch-marks that crisscross my hips would disappear. If only I could be better-looking, I'd be more worthy of love, I thought. I started resenting pretty women, particularly women who looked like her. Being bi, and quite appreciative of the female form in general, I'd never been so filled with bile and hatred at the sight of an hourglass-shaped blonde before. Yes, I'd always felt a little envious, but never to the point of not being able to stand the sight of such a woman. In fact, I'll be honest, I'd often tend to let my gaze linger.
It was about a month ago that I realized this, that my ex-fiance dating a more "conventionally beautiful" woman was interfering with my own sexuality! How ridiculous, I thought, that my own self esteem rested upon his approval, that my body image was determined by how "pretty" his new lover was, that I was letting his approval of her appearance over mine emotionally castrate me! So I went to the best-rated piercing studio in town and, after several lengthy discussions about the details of the thing (during which the poor piercer was very patient with me, bless his heart), set up an appointment for Valentine's Day (which just so happens to have been the first Saturday after my 21st birthday, plus I couldn't resist the joke of "getting poked on Valentine's").
It's been a week, and I must say, I am so glad I did it. It's my own symbol of accepting my body for the shape it's in, no matter what anyone else says or thinks, and every time I look down at my stomach and see my little shiny, I feel so happy and giddy, which is a feeling I can't say I ever felt just from looking at my belly before. I've been showing it off to anyone who will stand still long enough ever since I got it, and it wasn't until Thursday that I realized: I've been showing virtual strangers my stomach; I nearly always used to keep it concealed except to lovers! And if nothing else, I'll always know that I have, somewhere within me, the self-confidence, the personal pride, to show everyone my pale, flabby belly without even a second thought.
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*applause*
I got tattoos on my arms for a similar reason. I used to hate my arms because they were fat and would do that spreading-out thing when I held them at my sides. It was hard to find shirts with sleeves that would fit them and I hated wearing tank tops (a serious problem in TX) and in general I hated my fat arms.
And then I got tattoos. Now I LOVE THEM. I own my skin and my body is a work of art.
So kudos for your gesture of self-acceptance!
*applause*
That's awesome!!
I LIVE for stories like this. Just beautiful. I am a firm believer in success being the best revenge. And at 21 (like moi) you have a long time to prove you're a success if you're not already. If you can be happy or rich or however it is you define success, he will surely be jealous of you. But of course by that time you won't care what he thinks either way.
That's awesome. We put far too many things off over the fantasy of being thin when we should just do what we want when we want because we want to.
I got my navel pierced when I was 15 and I used to get made fun of for it because I didn't have the kind of stomach that ninth-graders felt was appropriate for a navel ring. I have since taken it out (not because of that - a few bouts of weight loss and gain made the piercing dangerously thin and I was afraid it would rip out - owie) but now that I am thinking back I realize I should be proud of myself for doing that and standing up for it even though my peers laughed at it.
You're making me think my next tattoo should be on my flabby belly instead of on my shoulder or somewhere else I've determined is ok because a) it's not "too gross to show people" and b) it won't be distorted with weight changes. Right now I have two tattoos - one on my wrist and one on my ankle. I should go somewhere else to celebrate the fact that my body is my body even if it doesn't fit into a certain mold.
*applause*
Wow, cheesegirl, you've made me think. I, too, have been putting off getting a belly button piercing until I lost weight.
Also, tattoos.
I had recently been thinking of getting a tattoo that meant "change" or "change with grace" in some way. Because the only thing that stays the same is the fact that everything changes, and if a tattoo that meant "change" were warped with age and weight fluctuations, that would really only add to the meaning of the tattoo and make it more special.
I got the idea reading an advice book for women in their twenties, that had a section on body image issues. It talked about how in the 20s you will really hit adult proportions. You will start to sag and spread out and there's really nothing you can do about it besides learn to love yourself and get used to the fact that your body will always be changing. The changes you freak out over when you're 20 are nothing compared to what you will experience if you ever get pregnant, and you'll have to deal with things like menopause as well. You can't freeze your body in a time capsule, and it's better to start getting used to change when you're young because you're not getting out of it when you're old. Your weight will go up and down. You will have injury and illness. Your stomach will get bigger. Your ass will go away. Your ass will come back. You will get stretch marks. Your stretch marks will fade. You'll get wrinkles. Etc. Etc.
I can't decide what would be a good symbol for change, though. My first thought was the greek letter Delta, but that is because I'm a dork. However, I am thinking something more universal, like maybe a spiral or a wheel, would be more appropriate.
Anyways, great post.
*applause*
I've always wanted to get a tattoo of a clock in a tree, so that as it becomes warped and stretched with age, it would look like a Salvador Dalí painting, but that's neither here nor there, not to mention pretty dorky as well.
That's an awesome idea, you should go for it!
I, too, have a navel piercing but don't have a very flat stomach. I got it because I wanted it despite that society would advise me against it because I have some flab there.
Thank you for this. I just broke up with someone too and have been trying NOT to obsess or worry that his next girlfriend will be pretty, skinnier, etc etc then me. It shouldn't matter since we were a bad couple but sometimes thinking about it really hurts. It is nice to hear that someone else experienced something similar and found a positive way to reframe it.
"If only I could be better-looking, I'd be more worthy of love, I thought. I started resenting pretty women, particularly women who looked like her. Being bi, and quite appreciative of the female form in general, I'd never been so filled with bile and hatred at the sight of an hourglass-shaped blonde before. Yes, I'd always felt a little envious, but never to the point of not being able to stand the sight of such a woman. In fact, I'll be honest, I'd often tend to let my gaze linger."
I've felt that way for a while myself, it's good to know I'm not the only one! :D
I have the exact same feeling about my VCH. After a nasty break-up with a man who shuddered at my even considering one, I got it and felt that it reclaimed my sexuality.
Piercings can be really validating personal experiences, just make sure to go to a professional place that autoclaves their jewelry. And if they use a piercing gun, tell you to clean your piercing with alcohol, or pierce every single person that comes in for one (sure sign that they aren't checking anatomy/age/etc. for piercings), then run!
"I'd always felt a little envious, but never to the point of not being able to stand the sight of such a woman. In fact, I'll be honest, I'd often tend to let my gaze linger."
I understand what you mean. Sometimes I get filled with so much envy that the words "beautiful woman" make me sick. It's totally irrational and completely from my self esteem issues, but I still think I'm not that pretty.
I'm probably not as unattractive as I think I am. Not to mention my sisters always tell me that I'm much skinnier than I seem to think.
It sucks.
From my own personal experience, feminism changed so much of this. Learning more about unrealistic body images etc, but walking through the halls in high school if I saw a pretty girl I'd get so upset. "That'll never be me, no boy will ever love me, I hate this." I think just getting out of that environment helped a lot. Just thinking back to that (just 2 years ago) makes me sad. And my life is so much better now. If I see a girl/woman I think is pretty, I think "wow, she's gorgeous" not "I hate myself."
I also had gotten my first boyfriend, and part of the reason I stayed so long in the relationship (more than I wanted-I stayed 10 months too long!) was because I was scared of how I'd feel with no boyfriend-would I feel like an "ugly", doomed girl again? One moment, while we were still together, I saw a Cosmo article(ugh, I friggin know!)online about why men leave good relationships. Because you eat like a cow and the grass is greener on the other side. And despite knowing that was bullshit, I got upset. Told the bf, he laughed (I wanted a "that's fucked up!" response) and that next day on campus I saw a pretty woman and got upset. It was such a horrible flashback, and it made me realize how far I've come! Needless to say, dumped the guy, and not only do I feel just fine, I'm so much happier not being in the relationship.
Ok, that's my rant. Your story is really awesome, and I'm glad you shared! Keep rocking it!
i love stories like these. even though i have learned to accept my body for the way it is, i still have trouble FULLY accepting it. i always wonder what other people think of me and so forth. does anyone have any ways/hints/tips that helped them get over their body image and just learn to fully love themselves?
I love stories like these.
It was the same deal when I got my tattoo. It's on what might be delicately called my "love handles". At 18 years old, I definitely didn't look like most of the girls in my class (tall, blonde, beanpoles with no curves except for boobs), but I still liked how I looked.
I got a star tattooed on the so-called "love handles" because I needed to remind myself that I was going to be a star no matter how I looked.
I have days, though, like everyone else, where I totally hate seeing other girls on campus. Stick legs, perfect (blonde) hair, minimal curves...it's always going to bother me, even though I'm very healthy and in reasonably good shape for a 21-year-old college student.
you sound like a lovely and interesting person.
I have been so touched by your story as well as the other comments. I spent 16 years in a marriage where my husband constantly told me I wasn't "good enough" and compared me to other women to the point that I not only hated other women, but was literally afraid of them.
I am bisexual and I loved women (the way we relate to each other, the way we view life,etc..) before that experience. I mourned my inability to have women friends for so long.. It was really sad.
It has meant so much to me to realize I'm not the only person who has felt personally attacked when a "beautiful woman" walks by.