I’m sure you all remember the Bridgestone Tire commercial that aired during the Superbowl. Today at work I actually felt like the Mrs. for a brief moment when one of my fellow co-workers simply dismissed my “rant” because I am a “girl.” I am curious as to how other women who work with the Mr. Potatoheads of the world handle such situations. What follows is the disturbing sequence of events.
I work as a legal intern at a federal district court in the tri-state area. This is a new job and I work alongside several other law student interns (whom I am still getting to know). Today, myself and two other interns got to talking about movies. Inevitably we happened upon the topic of movies for women such as Bride Wars, He’s Not that into you-you know the type. Against the expectations of the other interns, male and female, I told them that those movies make me sick to my stomach. I then had to explain to the other woman that I don’t think any less of her because she likes Sex and the City. Then…
Dude Intern: what’s wrong with those movies, it’s true girls like shoes (this is comes from the same person who whined for hours after his shoes touched a puddle and *gasp* water touched them)
Wow, so I knew I had to start from square one with this one. My feathers were a bit ruffled at this point. I tried my best to coherently explain how women are portrayed in a cookie cutter way in the majority of mainstream films (wife, secretary, girlfriend, etc.). I told him how women leads are rare in comparison to male leads who are typically the protagonist/hero/character the audience is meant to relate to.
Dude Intern: “What? Oh I wasn’t even listening. I never listen when women rant. No guys ever do.”
Now this caught me off guard. I felt angry and even slightly ashamed. This guy is supposed to be my colleague, someone to contemplate issues and ideas with. A law student for cryin out loud, he should want to debate to uncover the truth. Maybe he debates other men, but if it is a woman passionately discussing a topic he knows better than to listen (especially if she is smart or opinionated). And you know what? Other men know better too. This message is loud and clear, thanks Bridgestone. This intern, and many other like minded men, will become a professional and may have a position of power. I wonder who he will influence and demean with his views. Would he treat his daughter this way, his wife, his associates, the woman judge he works for?
I then asked Mr. Intern if he was a feminist. He laughed and said no way. He was a science experiment at this point. I picked his brain. He said: feminists are radicals, the feminist movement failed because of the radical approach taken, the other male law clerks are definitely not feminists either, the general population decides what feminist means (rather than feminists themselves), and that my own boyfriend definitely does not listen to my rants.
It was hard to get a word in edge wise. Talk about a rant. For someone who was not a feminist he certainly felt confident in his views of what feminists stand for. He concluded, “they should just stop asking for special treatment.”
Exactly! So stop treating us like Mrs. Potatohead.
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The thing is, with a guy like this, you're pretty much wasting your time. He obviously didn't go to law school based on an interest of discovering the truth or making the world a better place. He's just interested in making good money. He's also fairly immature and insecure. Realizing this just makes me feel sorry for this type rather than hate them like I used to.
So I would say something that acknowledges this fact and points out the reality behind his offensive attitude. I've said things like "it's too bad you're so insecure that you can't acknowledge an intelligent comment just because it comes from a woman" or "yes, I know that hearing a woman critique our sexist cultural practices feels pretty threatening to most men, but if you would just calm down a bit it might be an experience that you could grow from." That way, it points out that men are motivated by emotions too and portrays your concerns as rational and relevant. Also, when dealing with a guy like this, I'll often refer to his little rants (like about the shoes) as "hormonal." This either puzzles them or pisses them off. Then the response is "oh, does it bother you when people dismiss your valid concerns and experiences by refusing to take them seriously and attributing them to hormones? It's totally unfair when people do that to women, too." Even if this kind of exchange doesn't change his attitude, it does point out the ridiculousness of it to everyone else around, and people usually find it pretty amusing. Even the ones who were snickering when he dismissed your words as a rant.
The fact is, in our culture it's still acceptable to silence women by making comments like his, and he needs to have the tables turned on him or he'll never get a clue.
That's awful. And men wonder why we get so 'crazy' when we feel they aren't listening to us- it's because we are tired of actually not being listened to! You can't expect men who are unwilling to understand to understand, though, because most of them have never gone through life not being listened to because they are men.
And isn't it grand when guys tell us that our boyfriends are just like them, simply because they share a y chromosome?
He's a prick. Period. I resent it when anything a woman says that is a complaint gets called 'a rant' or we get called 'shrill'. It's just a way to shut you down. Want us all to come up there and kick his ass?
Ooh, yeah. The "shrill" thing pisses me off too, especially when I'm speaking in a totally calm voice. I just usually say something like "yes, I'm pretty damn uppity and don't know my place..." to point out how sexist they're being. It's amazing how using the word "uppity" actually gets other people to rush to your defense, and then the prick has to defend himself against everyone else there, and you can walk away smirking.
I always hated the "shrill" voice thing. Typically, when I'm annoyed my voice is low and steady. And when I'm angry it's in my regular tenor and I speak very fast and very eloquently. But you have to push me *over* the edge (and that edge is in the far off distance) before I my voice ever gets "shrill".
The really infuriating thing about people like that is that they so often will present their extremely offensive opinions in a singularly calm, even tone of voice. It makes it that much easier for them to play the "shrill" card. I've always wondered if that's intentional on their part. Strictly an educated guess here, but I don't think it is. I think it's just part of that brand of personality.
What is he going to do when he is up against a female lawyer in court? Just tune her out because he doesn't feel like listening to her "rant" about her client?
I'd like to see that.
"Objection, on the grounds that the other lawyer's a woman!"
Bravo for not giving any ground to the asshole.
He's an insecure asshole. He was never interested in the substance of the actual issues that you were addressing. He had in mind one goal and one goal only: to "top" you. He said what he said deliberately to rile and upset you, thereby "winning" in his dessicated little mind.
Oh, totally. I know people like that and it is annoying. But there is the slight possibility that the reason he said the thing about not listening to women ranting was because he did listen and realized how stupid his argument sounded compared to yours and decided to go back to sexism in hopes to throw you off. Which would mean he could have understood some of it.