(crossposted at Amplify )
Last Friday, we introduced you to the completly screwed up "Miss the Mess" website of the Ohio group Abstinence 'Till Marriage (ATM), a fitting acronym considering that they have received $1.6 million in federal CBAE grants, to date. On their site, you could enter the “Party Room”, where you learn the perspective of 4 fictional kids on what happens during and after a party one night. Rochelle tells about being raped by Jason after the party, but ATM warns it's young readers that she is not to be believed, because she is not a virgin and other kids say she is a "slut". Jason, on the other hand, is shown sympathy because he was drunk, and hey, boys will be boys, right?
Yes, of all the completely whacked curriculum coming out of abstinence-only until marriage programs over the last decade, sucking up more than $1.5 billion in tax dollars, this grantee would have to be in the running as the most atrocious (which is certainly saying something).
But this weekend, ATM's story took a turn. After the internet firestorm that our post created, receiving coverage at DailyKos, Feministing, Feministe and Pandagon, ATM was inundated with traffic and angry emails, letting them know just how offensive and wrong their website is.
On Sunday, ATM decided to completely change their "Party Room ", apparently ashamed at being outed as rape apologists and victim-blamers. The Party Room now begins with an extended disclaimer stating that rape is actually, you know, wrong (shocker!). They also removed their "correct" answers to questions on the site asking who was the least credible, now saying that everyone is entitled to their opinion. Also removed is a large portion of the "slut-shaming" language of site that not only sent the message that non-virgin rape victims shouldn't be believed, but actively taught young people how to slut-shame.
Just as the case was when Derek the Abstinence Clown (another Ohio ab-only grantee) was exposed, this window into the abstinence-only sex education world was not supposed to be peered into by "outsiders". Because they knew that if citizens figured out that their tax dollars were going to stuff like this, their funding would be in great jeopardy. And just like Derek the Abstinence Clown, the operation to scrub the internet of the incriminating evidence began immediately once they were exposed.
While this move by ATM to change their website is to be commended, you could go on for days picking apart all of the other misinformation given to young people in their program, as their site is littered with faux-science propaganda, such as this goodie :
If you have sex before you marry your are more likely to:
1. Breakup before you marry
2. Scare off someone who wants to marry a virgin
3. Be less happy in your marriage
4. Get a divorce
5. Commit adultery after you marry
6. Be fooled into marrying for the wrong reason
7. Be less satisfied with your married sex life
8. Have guilt feelings that may nudge you into a poor marriage
9. Be deprived of the important bonding that sexual intimacy can give a marriage
So, just to reiterate, changing the language of their website is a victory, but a small one. The big victory that we must all stay focused on is ending all federal funding for these failed abstinence-only until marriage programs that have fleeced our government out of $1.5 billion dollars and endangered the sexual health of countless young people.
President Obama is making his 2010 budget right now, so if you want end the ab-only insanity, please send him a message to to zero out this funding , once and for all.
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Wow, that numbered list really brings back memories. I went to a private religious high school, and my Bible teacher told me every single one of those things.
Luckily we also got basic sex ed from our Health teacher, and no one ever insinuated that non-virgins can't be raped, but still. That ATM stuff was messed up.
Notice how the "good" couple were both white? And, I couldn't be sure from the little picture, but I think Rochelle was part black, part white. And the stereotypical Korean grandmother. And the account was still seriously biased. Even I was feeling inclined to doubt Rochelle's story because of just how conveniently Jason told his story - and I'll always err on the side of the victim. It was just too much. It really felt too much like everyone else ganged up on her.
Why ATM brought the subject of rape up I don't even know. If Jason didn't rape her, there wouldn't be this mess. Being abstinent is one way to stop rape, but that's just such a cop-out. I mean, do these people ever talk about not raping your wife/husband after you're married? Cause it can happen. Should husbands just never ask wives for sex, due to the risk she might actually want not to but feel she needs to in order to keep you happy?
That stupid list drives me insane. What the Hell is so magical about a contract binding two people together? You can't have sexually intimate bonding before AND after marriage? Isn't it good to marry someone you are sexually compatible with? If I waited, married my boyfriend, and then it turned out he DIDN'T like anything BDSM and thought I was a freak for liking it, wouldn't that lead to adultery, divorce, less happiness, etc.?
I guess I should ignore this, though, since they'd probably label me a sexually deviant pervert for thinking handcuffs, biting, and whips are a turn-on. Especially since I'm the dominant one most of the time : P
"Why ATM brought the subject of rape up I don't even know."
Exactly, I'm not really sure what abstinence even had to do with the scenario they chose. The only way it seems to work is to interpret it as "Don't have sex before marriage because then you'll be a big slut and no one will believe you when you are raped." Of course, even that isn't accurate because the accusations of promiscuity came from someone who had real motivation to destroy her reputation.
Right, it's also saying "don't have sex before you're married because that slut you did last night might charge you with rape." It's just so dumb to say the best way to avoid rape is to not have sex. Any sexual problem you can think of, they will say "just don't have sex." Unless a husband wants to get more action from his wife. Then it's "you're his wife, it's your god-given duty to keep him happy."
2. Scare off someone who wants to marry a virgin
They say that like it's a bad thing.
As I type that, I realize that looks snarky and stuff, but I really don't mean it that way.
Sex and attitudes toward sex are one of the many things a couple has to be compatible about or willing to compromise on in order to have a healthy relationship. If you're so opposite on feelings toward sex that one partner is okay with pre-marital sex and the other isn't, chances are you're not going to work together very well. And if someone's going to be scared off by that, they're probably not going to be too good about bridging differences regarding raising kids, finances, where to live if someone gets a new job, etc.
I don't think ATM changed the story enough to commend them. They still said that Jason wasn't responsible for anything he did with Rochelle because he was drunk and sad about his recent break-up. In their hypothetical questions section, they gave Rochelle the a deadly and incurable STD (HIV), even though her sexual history is only implied by her back-stabbing friend's rumor spreading. Jason, who has apparently had sex with lots of girls, isn't called "loose" or a "slut" and has syphilis in the hypothetical questions section, which is easily cured with antibiotics.
The changes that were made were minimal and didn't really get rid of any of the stereotypes they perpetuated in the first "Party Room." They leave that up for discussion, when in reality, there should be no discussion. If a woman says she has been raped, believe her, even if you think her story sounds far-fetched. Friends need to trust their friends and help them out when they're in a bad situation. Leave the questioning up to the cops and defense attorneys. When your friend says she was raped, all she needs from you is support, not the third degree. ATM does not get that message across at all.
And I forgot to mention this the first time this was posted-- it's so obvious it's easy to forget to mention: How is Jason not also called a slut? He did the same f*ing things Rochelle did, except he "expected it" in relationships (says his ex) and Rochelle "gave it away". Isn't Jason a slut too by this logic, only an active slut instead of a passive one? If you think about it, Jason should have been seen as a rapist because of what his ex said: he expects sex out of women.
A big thank you to all of the Feministing readers who wrote ATM and sent letters to Obama!
Just another pet peeve, which wasn't fixed in the second.
Herpes simplex 2 is genital herpes, simplex 1 is oral. If Monica was a virgin and only performed oral on Jason, she might have given him simplex 1 (which can appear on genitals as well), but probably not simplex 2 (unless she performed oral on someone else who had simplex 2, in which case it went from genital to oral to genital). You can get one of the types of herpes on your genitals by receiving oral, but not by giving it. The website seems to imply that giving a blowjob might cause herpes in the genitals, which isn't true.
Most of the things on that list are too ridiculous to even take seriously, but the last one really bothers me. Since when can sexual bonding only happen once ever? I think the idea that you will only fall in love once and that is the only person you should even want to have sex with is almost as dangerous to teach kids as some of the medically inaccurate "information" abstinance-only teachers try to pass off as education.