I totally understand why you wouldn't want to keep your father's name in that situation - the connective power of our names to our families is not always a positive power, or something that a person would want to celebrate in any way.
I was just wondering though, have you ever considered creating a wholly new name for yourself, one that is neither connected to a father or husband, but that is something that you can identify with as a choice for freedom from all types of patriarchal lineages?
This could even be something that you do with a potential spouse if you do decide to get married. Although I don't want to marry, I really like the idea of creating a wholly new and egalitarian identity for you and your family that doesn't have any negative ties to the past.
I totally support your decision not to want your father's name, and if it's not a big deal for you to take your (potential) husband's name than that's great too, whatever feels right for you.
I was just wondering if creating something new was something you had ever thought about?

Even though I'm a feminist I'm also in support of this decision - if women *want* to take their husband's last name, who are we to judge them? Yes, you're right, some people may see it as symbolizing ownership on the part of the husband. But I'm with you on this Jennie - it can also be a representation of the family we choose, versus the family that was thrust upon us by biology. I think the couple choosing to have one last name between them (whether it's one partner's or the other) is totally acceptable. It's all about making a choice based on what you individually believe in (in this case, choosing to represent your family unit with your partner by both having the same name), rather than just parroting some ancient tradition for tradition's sake.

I've heard this argument before as far as why a woman would want to take her husband's name (abusive father, doesn't like one's family, doesn't like one's last name) and my thought on it is if someone doesn't like their last name that much, why not change it to whatever name they want now (if old enough to do so) instead of waiting until marriage and then taking whatever last name the husband has? Seize the day and get the last name you (general you, not trying to pick on you, Jenniedvm) always wanted! :) Or why not create a new last name with the husband?

Jennie - Have you considered taking your mother's name? I have a friend who was in a very similar situation as you and that's what she did.

I use my spouse's name and have since we married.

My birthname was long, ethnic and difficult for Anglos to spell and pronounce (it's Italian). I would have legally changed my name anyway, before I graduated university, so that I didn't have to deal with potential employers passing over a name they couldn't pronounce. I was leaning towards my mother's birth name which, although also Italian, was spelt like an Anglo name (ie. no 'gli' combination). When I got married young (only 22 yrs old and still in school), it was easier, faster and cheaper to just start using my husband's name.

That said, I don't think that anyone should feel compelled to change or not change their name. How a couple creates their 'family' should be the decision of that couple and no one else.

If I had the decision to make now, I'd probably change my name to my mother's birth name, if for no other reason than because I kind of like it. I must admit, when we were married, I took the easiest route to changing my name without any real regard for the history of patriarchy that I was implicitly supporting. I was shocked later when friends assumed I was in favour of name changing upon marriage as a practice because I had done it personally. It never occured to me that I was sending that message since I clearly told everyone why I was changing my name.

Who knows? Maybe I'll change to my mother's name yet.

I think that choosing which family you want to be a part of, and not being owned by one or the other is the most important. It's all about the agency, and here you are making your choice. That's what feminism is about, keeping you in control of your own life without feeling that you need to fit into a socially constructed role. Congrats on realizing that!

My personal policy at the moment is that me and my theoretical future mate will both take whichever last name we think sounds coolest :)

I don't think that's an anti-feminist decision at all. In fact, in many cases where husbands take their wives last name, they don't have a good relationship with their father or their father's family. My friend recently got married and took her husband's name for this exact reason--bad relationship with her father. I also know some women who take the opportunity of marriage to change their last names to their mothers' maiden names. It's also fairly common to combine names or come up with an entirely new married name for both parties.

Whatever you choose, its your decision. You may get some flack from others who object to the idea of taking a husband's last name and feel some pressure to explain your reasoning to them, but if you did not change your name, you'd probably have to do the same amount of explaining to the traditionalists in your life. In the end, its your reasons and your choice.

You could always just choose a last name. You could belong to yourself.

I don't think its anti-feminist, either. Having rigid rules about "You CAN'T take your husbands name, EVER!" is just as anti-choice as saying that you have to. Feminism is about you being able to make choices for yourself!

I'll probably take my husband's name, unless its ridiculously unpronounceable. :)

Thank you for posting this. While I'm proud of my heritage, I certainly don't want my abusive father's name anymore! Sort of like you, I think I'll take taking my husband's name and that of my grandmother, who had big dreams she wasn't able to realize because she was female at the wrong place in time.

I completely agree. I think it's no more feminist to have your father's name than your husband's. Either way, it's a symbol of the patriarchy. Personally, I think it's better to have your husband's name if you're going to have one of the two. At least you get to choose your husband, though if you get divorced things can get messy (you don't want to change your name again and then change back if you remarry, but I personally wouldn't want to go around using an ex's last name) and I think it should all be more on which you'd rather be identified with, your husband or your father.

My last name is difficult to pronounce, but I'm the last one. My father did research and found out we are the only branch of our family to have this spelling and when I die, the name dies with me. So I feel like I really should keep it just because of that and if possible pass it down in some form to my children. If I weren't the last one I'd probably want to change my name when I marry.

When it comes to taking your mother's name I think that depends on whether she uses it or not. If your mother has always gone by her maiden name then I think it would make sense to change to that if you don't like your father's. But if she's always been known by a married name (whether it's the same name you have or not) having her name would probably just cause confusion. If you really want to distance yourself from your father without getting married I would probably go through the family history on both sides and pick a name you like that sounds good with your first name. Or even just make something up that you like.

I feel like name changing is such a personal decision that it's a shame the outcome is so publically evident. No matter what you do people are going to question it, so the best you can do is find something you're happy with. I don't want to change my name, but it's part political and part because the paperwork sounds like a pain :)

I agree with you. I am not close at all to my father's side of the family, and definitely not with my alcoholic father. So I always thought I would take my future husband's last name. I've been conflicted though, because I am pursuing a costuming career in theater, a field that is so much about networking - so I wouldn't want to take my husband's name if I am professionally established - but not really too keen on keeping my own last name. I've considered changing to my mother's maiden name ( I am extremely close with her side of the family), as I have just graduated, but am not sure if it's worth the family drama, because, well, "what's in a name"?

I think that women should do whatever they want with their names. I wouldn't say that any choice is more feminist than others. I think consciously making a choice and not just taking your husbands name because it's "what's done" is feminist, no matter what the choice is.

I chose to take my husband's name when we got married, and I've gotten a lot of different reactions to it -- some family members are happy because I've kept to tradition, some people who don't know me have chosen to assume I'm anti-feminist. Wrong on both counts. I arrived at my decision despite tradition, because I'm a feminist, and after literal years of thought put into the subject.

In brief, I took my husband's name because I did not want to keep what was really my father's name and not my own. I wanted a new name to symbolize my new life. I am considering adding my mother's maiden name before my new last name; If and when I do that, I plan to ask my husband to add it as well.

But, the point is that it's a personal choice, and I hope every woman who feels pushed and pulled by this topic feels comfortable really considering all the factors in her life before making a decision that has at its heart her desires, not the way someone else is going to interpret her actions.

I understand completely the desire not to be branded by a father's name--it is indeed patriarchal, you had no say in it, and in some cases there are very negative associations.

The only thing I don't understand is:

How come every woman I've met who has voiced these and other very trenchant reasons why she should not keep her father's name has changed her name only through marriage, to a man's father's name? How come none of these women I know who changed their names at any point in the five, ten, fifteen adult years before they were married?

If you despise being associated with a certain name, why wait till a marriage that may or may not materialize? Paperwork and bureaucracy is involved either way, so that's not the obstacle.

The only explanation I can come up with is that the women don't want to alienate family members who share their birthname by changing the name while still single, whereas marriage provides a convenient "excuse" that is socially acceptable.

I think the fact that you've put a lot of thought into this decision is the thing that's important.

I get mad when people assume that every woman will and must take her husband's name upon marriage. And I get irritated when women refuse to acknowledge that there are other options for them.

But you did consider your options and you chose what was best for you and your situation, and that is awesome.

Some commenters have discussed coming up with your own name. I know two women who have done this, one at marriage, and one while she was still single. They had negative feelings towards their fathers and decided to change their names and create their own identities. I think this is maybe the coolest thing you can do.

Should men with abusive fathers change their names? To me, changing your name to your spouse's is submissive behavior, regardless of the reason. If you choose to submit to your spouse, go for it. But there's no way I'm going to.

Thanks for the input, everyone. I haven't seriously thought about changing my name to a completely unrelated name before, but it's something worth considering. As for taking my mother's maiden name, it's quite a mouthful, so I'm not sure. I think that if I do change my name to one of my own choosing, I'll do so when (if) I marry, because it will avoid a ton of family drama. I know that's cowardly, but I just don't need to deal with his side of the family's bullshit on that frontier. They're utterly ridiculous, and goodness knows they'd jump at a reason to hold a grudge. Of course, if I don't end up marrying one day, perhaps I'll just get sick of my father's name and change it on my own. In any case, I'll think more carefully about taking my husband's name just to get away from a label connected to my father.
In response to questioning?'s comment, I'd like to think that taking a man's name in marriage isn't necessarily submitting to him if he knows the real reason I'm doing it. On paper, it may look like a submissive move, but I'm pretty sure that anyone who actually knows me would never think of me as submissive. However, this may just be naive thinking on my part. But I really feel that I shouldn't refuse to take another name simply because of what others will think. If others choose to mistakenly think I'm being submissive, should that really stop me from making a decision that I feel grants me power over my situation? I'm not trying to be argumentative - I'm sincerely asking.

Sometimes changing your name is more of a practical thing than anything else.

I get along with my father much better than I get along with my mother. I have his last name -- my mother never changed hers. My last name has nine consonants and two vowels. It's clunky and easy to misspell. My mother's last name has four letters and sounds completely awesome with my first name.

I've been toying with the idea of switching to my mother's last name for years, and I plan to do so whenever I can find the time. On paper, it might look like a feminist act. It's not. I just prefer her last name.

Not everything you do has to have feminist or anti-feminist repercussions. Blindly avoiding traditions for no reason can be just as pointless as blindly following traditions for no reason.

I sort of think, if this is a free choice you make, then cool, whatever, if you have an equal partnership, you have a feminist marriage. My fiancee is fine with me keeping my name, and I will because I LOVE my last name, and he didn't like combining our last names:
Jacoby + Plerhoples= Jacopolis!
I thought it was great, but not everyone shared my view.
Essentially, the whole point of feminism as i see it is not to force one way of living on women because it's "the" feminist life: it's to give women a choice, to empower them to pick the life they want, no matter what other people think about it. If you're not hurting anyone, and you can live with yourself, I say go with your gut. I'm truly sorry about the circumstances that caused you to think this is necessary, but i like the idea of making a new family. I wish you happiness, no matter what your name is.

I have an alcoholic, abusive father also, whom I haven't spoken to in eight years. I've decided that as soon as I collect the funds, I'm going to change my name to a name I found a few generations back in my family, matrilineally. Yes, it still originated with some man, but it's the best I can do, plus there are no more people in my family with that name.

I have a very ethnic name and it is often hard for people to pronounce, so I have chosen to take my fiance's last name. I don't get along with my family much, but I absolutely adore his family. I even like the sound of his last name, and so does he. And my fiance is very much for anti-sexism (I wouldn't be marrying him if he wasn't, lol). We agreed that if my last name didn't sound so awful we would hyphenate or both of us would change names.

I'm not convinced that patrilineal naming traditions are patriarchal. We've sure got a patriarchy going here, but would it be an less powerful if names were passed down through the mothers' side? I kept my last name when I married because it was my name for most of my life, and being married is a large part of my identity, but not all of it. (I do sometimes use "Mrs." in my name, but usually defer to "Ms." when it doesn't really matter to me how I'm perceived on the basis of my name and title alone. I also don't put a lot of stock in names because I have one of the most generic American names of all time, so it's kind of meaningless.)

When we're adults, we can choose our own names. We don't get to choose our parents or our origins, so we will spend at least some part of our lives with our identities more in the hands of our parents than ourselves. I'm pretty close to my immediate family, and don't have any desire to distance myself from them, symbolically or no, but I can't help but think that choosing your own name is a futile attempt at distancing yourself from the good or bad decisions your parents made for you.

First of all, forgive me because English is not my first language. I personally would never change my last name. I know it's not really my last name. Due to patriarchy, I was born without my own last name, passed down from my father, without my choice. In short, women have no last names. However, I will do what I can do under the circumstances. I choose to make my "father's" last name mine once and for all by not having to choose to be renamed. I will make it my own, I would like to pass it down to my girl. For me, it is different because now I CHOSE to not rename myself once again. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it is the most I can do right now. As for the indignity of women not really having any last names..it is a tragedy. It would be wonderful if all women just stuck with (or chose) their last names and refused to be "renamed." But then again, whatever you wanna do, do. Just make sure it is YOUR choice.

I changed my name when I got married, and almost instantly regretted it. That isn't to say no woman should ever change her name, but in my situation I did it just because...hey, that's what you do, right? I think the important thing, whether you change your name or not or make up a new one, is that you've put some thought into it and have your own reasons, whether or not anybody else agrees with them.

I'll be divorced in 6 months (that's the waiting period here in CA), and there's a checkbox in the forms for returning to your old name. I CANNOT WAIT.

Also, my last name is very ethnic and I don't quite care how others view it :)

My name does not define who I am, my actions do.

I've changed my first name about a dozen times in my life, and I've always been the same person. My opinions have evolved and changed, but the person that I am, the essence of my being, is not defined by the particular version of my ridiculously long first name I chose this week, or the last name my father's family gave me. It's a title to be used on paper. The people that matter to me know what to call me, and half of them call me things that aren't on my birth certificate anyway. That didn't change when I got married.

But I have always felt a certain... undying hatred...towards some members of my father's family, and the only thing that tied me to them was that damn last name. My dad's the best dad ever, but most of his family can take a flying leap.

So when I got married, I saw an opportunity to pick out a new last name without having to go through the hassle of changing my name in court.

I didn't want to keep my father's family name (that was a given). I didn't want to switch to my mother's family name (for a number of reasons). I don't like hyphenated names (for absolutely no logical reason). So, I chose my husband's last name.

I suppose I could have picked an entirely new last name, but that didn't feel right to me. Plus I kind of like the idea of having the same last name as my husband. We're "The OurLastNames."

Of course, my decision is unique to my situation. I did what made sense to me, and I encourage other women to do what's right for them, regardless of what other people think about it.

I'm just going to straight up legally change my last name, and keep that one after marriage. I'll probably change it to my mom's maiden name.

Your solution implies that you believe that your choices are to keep your father's name or take your husband's name. That's black and white thinking. It's also patriarchal thinking. You can change your last name to your middle name, your mother or grandmother's maiden names, a name of your choosing, a combination of you and your partner's names, or a different name you both choose to take. All you do by taking your future husband's name is contribute to and validate patriarchy, hurting those of us working hard to escape it and limiting your daughters' choices. Lots of men have abusive fathers. Never heard one of them come up with the idea of changing their name in order to dissociate from their father. You are rationalizing a socially validated "choice."

I feel that when a woman changes her name to her husband's after marriage, she is continuing a sexist tradition, and she is validating patriarchy no matter what her well-reasoned intentions are.

I don't think changing one's name after marriage makes her no longer a feminist, but I do think it is an un-feminist decision.

That said, none of us is perfect and it would be extremely difficult to make decisions all of the time that adhere to feminist philosophy and always reject the sexist values of modern society. I know I can't; that stuff is part of our daily lives, our traditions, our families.

However, I think it's a bit disingenuous to paint the decision of taking your husband's name as one founded in feminism or independent thought. It's your personal choice and you certainly shouldn't be castigated, but it is following an anti-feminist tradition.

In a better world, the day will come when name-changing will be a) obsolete or b) equally common between both sexes, but until then, keeping one's name remains a powerful feminist statement.

(Forgive me if this is a double post; I posted 2 hours ago and it is not here yet.)

I changed my name when I got married because my verbally abusive, alcoholic father was well known in the community and I didn't want to be associated with his (very distinctive) last name.

Fast forward 20-odd years. Father is now dead, has been for 15 years. Husband is now ex. The last name I avoided has meant nothing around here for over a decade, but ex's does.

I went back to my birth name. Now I have to spend quite a bit more time networking with the name I avoided.

It is a ridiculous burden on the woman that a paper trail and all the time it consumes advertises my history of living arrangements. I resent the fact that this paper trail advertises my divorce while my ex doesn't have to bring it up unless he feels like it. In addition, college and HS friends have difficulty finding me because of the paper trail.

It took five years--and I am not kidding--for my credit union to correct my name back to my birth name in all departments; in the meantime loans and credit information were in chaos.

What if you travel? What if you have professional ties? It is way more than a pain in the neck to have to explain to airport security why your passport doesn't match your other ID. You do not want someone authorized to strip search you doubting your ID. It is an annoyance to have a job interview wherein your diploma and transcript do not match your resume.

While no one gets married intending to divorce, there's better than a 50 percent chance that changing your name when you marry will prove not relevant.

With the passage of over 20 years I can say that it was a mistake to have changed my name. I cannot emphasize enough: do not change your name. EVER. But if you must, change it for yourself, and not for a relationship.

Here's something that often troubles me when I think of all of the complicated questions around naming --

While I may or may not change my name at marriage (I don't love the way my last name sounds, but I love and respect my father tremendously), I think about this (very hypothetical at this point...I'm early 20s) dilemma pretty regularly.

One thing that always comes to mind when I think about the idea of making up a new name, which seems to be the most anti-patriarchal solution, is the importance that I place on heritage, and inheritance...which is why we even place weight on last names at all. Patriarchal, yes -- but the way I see it, my last name also carries the stories of all the amazing women in my family. Often, they were the hearts and the backs of my family's "coming to America" story, and even though they might have been undervalued socially, I've grown up with stories of those women.

Taking the maiden name of my mother or any of my foremothers seems moot -- after all, their names came from their fathers, too.

I think the question for me has always been, to what extent is altering your name the "best" way to recognize/escape the oppressive attitude about female identity? The best solution I can come up with is that it's the recognition that's most important. I want to hold on to my heritage, of which I'm extremely proud, while making a conscious choice about my name. I think that's the feminist action itself, not necessarily deciding I have to create a new identity to align with my beliefs.

(Not to disrespect women who choose other things, certainly -- I'm just saying I think the most important thing is being conscious, and choosing.)

More on husband's name: those of us who have abusive family histories may be marrying into a loving, nonabusive family, in which case taking one's husband's name and becoming one with said 'good' family can be cathartic. Like opting out of the cycle of abuse symbolically as well as practically. It may not be an emphatically feminist gesture, but it's worthy nonetheless.

Side note: I want you all to know that I was not trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes by saying my decision was a feminist one. I truly thought it was. I was trying to chose something for myself rather than have something (my father's name) forced upon me, and I thought I'd reached a decision that, while not mainstream feminist, granted me power over my situation.

I do now see that there are flaws in my original plan, and I thank you for pointing them out to me. I still want to change my name, but perhaps not to my hypothetical future husband's. However, I do hope that you all see the validity of my choice to change my name eventually, whether it's to my husband's or to one of my own choosing (I'm leaning towards this solution currently). Maybe I was erroneous in identifying my original solution as feminist, but it was borne out of what I view as feminist sentiments in that I made what I felt was an empowering decision for me in my specific situation.

Just wanted to get that out there.

I don't quite buy the excuse that 'I didn't want to hyphenate, and I didn't want to have a different last name from hubby, so I took his. Nothing patriarchal about it'

Why can't he take your name?
Or you both change your last name to an agreed upon, completely different name?

I know it's not down to every woman to make her marriage a platform for political issues, but if you claim to be a feminist and you still take your husband's last name, you have to recognise the history behind your action - i.e. women being their husband's property, whose identity is erased as soon as she marries. I just don't feel it can be perceived as an act without meaning, due to the history and where the practice originated in the first place. To my mind, both of you changing your names to something completely different (e.g. John Smith and Rachel Howe become John and Rachel Roberts, for example) means everyone gets a new name, everyone has to make the same degree of change (instead of the onus being all on the woman, while the man doesn't have to change anything), and erases the problem of not being 'The Somethingses'.

From the above comments it seems like there are 4 choices.

1. Keep your father's name.
2. Take your husband's name.
3. Hyphenate the two.
4. Create a brand new name.

There are definitely problems with all of these choices. The first three have been fully talked about.

But the fourth:
I think that the idea of creating a new name with every generation seems exhausting. So the couple chooses a new name to represent their individual family. If they have children (and I realize not everyone will), they will probably give them that last name. If it's a female child, she'll have the same problem as before, unless with each generation they make up a new name. This system does not seem sustainable.

I've actually been discussing this question with my fiance. You see, neither of us care. He may end up with my last name, I may end up with his. They're too long to hyphenate, and honestly, the last name (other than having the same as his) isn't important enough for me to make the effort of coming up with a new one.

This is one of those places where I think as long as a woman THINKS about it (doesn't just do it because it's what she's "supposed to"), any choice can be valid.

A question:

If the tradition of woman taking man's name upon (heterosexual) marriage didn't exist, would you invent it?

No of course not. It's only because this idea is so ingrained in our patriarchal culture that people consider it *at all*. If women were as valued as men, and the default was for them to keep their birth names throughout their lives (as men do), no woman would give up her name on marriage, it would seem absurd. As it seems to any man when it's suggested that maybe they should change their names upon marriage!

What I'm saying is that what seems like a choice really isn't. It's only a choice to conform to patriarchal tradition, nothing more. If you have negative emotions attached to your name, you are free by law to change it (in the UK it's via deed poll, not sure what the US equivalent is) any time you like provided you're over 18. Of course, it's 'easier' to submit to the tradition and take that opportunity to change it upon marriage, but it's easier precisely because we live in a patriarchal society which says, this is the acceptable option for women. Society makes it easy for you because it's what it wants you to do!

As women it's easy to submit, harder to fight. But ultimately fighting is what changes things. 50 years ago it was considered socially unacceptable for a woman to go to work once she was married, for example. The women that railed against this oppression undoubtedly got a lot of 'bullshit' from men and their families but they managed to change things for the better for our generation and beyond.

A hypothetical situation: what if your husband turns out to be abusive too? Do you have to wait for yet another man to come along for you to marry, in order to then get rid of the connotations of your husband's name?

When we got married, my wife decided she'd take my name. We worked out a bunch of last name options, given that we both wanted the same last name, and then she picked. I really didn't mind what happened, so long as we had the same last name, because for us part of marriage was saying to the world that we were a unit, that we were family now.

I would have preferred a mix of the surnames, but one was a bugger to pronounce or spell, and the other sounded like the name of an overexcited spaniel. We didn't want to double-barrel, because then what would your kids do, if confronted with the same choice? Quadruple-barrel?

So we each put our case forward, and then we realised that we didn't have the money to do anything special by deed poll so she decided to take my name. Sometimes you don't have the cash to do anything out of the ordinary. We certainly didn't.

This is for Jenniedvm -the original writer of this post. You said:

"I bear my father's last name, not one I consider my own, as does my entire immediate family. From the moment I was born, I was linked to him through my last name, and I had no choice in the matter."

I was also abused by my parents - and yes, I had my father's name, same as you.

But as I grew up - I realized that I did have a choice. So ten years ago, I changed my last name legally, to a name I made up for myself. I love it! I now feel I have broken all of those old associations and and completely myself!!

I want you to know that I know how it can feel and please accept my support. But never feel you HAVE to do anything.

If you wish to keep or change your father's name. If you wish to keep or change your name when you are married....it has to be about your choice from a position of strength. Not because it will cause less angst for other poeple. Good luck.

This is all reminding me of the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte wants to quit her job and freaks out on Miranda screaming, "I choose my choice! I choose my choice!" Then Miranda points out that the problem is not her but that Charlotte needs to get behind her OWN choice. Classic. Probably one of my favorite scenes in the series.

I have a delightfully feminist friend that got married, and she and her husband both changed their names to a new name, to represent their new life together. I think this is a wonderful approach.
Eventually, if my work is ever published, I plan to publish under my grandmother's maiden name, and perhaps actually change my name to that as well.

What is really at issue here is not the name per se, but the tradition. Having men take your name when you marry and also insisting any children get your name is the way to make positive change. It seems to me the oh well, keeping my dad's name is the same thing, it seems to me that is an attempt to continue with a tradition that is harmful to women. I think another reader obliterated that arguement when she/he said if you don't want dad's name change it, regardless of marital status.
anyway,

Another blog i read and like had an excellent post on this issue that you may want to check out. It not only hit upon name change issues but looked at the control marriage has over women in the 1st place.

"...when women marry they give up their names and refuse to name their progeny after themselves."

here's a link:
http://www.femisex.com/content/talkback-wedding-worship-pratfalls

enjoy

earthling articulated my thoughts on this subject perfectly, Love your post, earthling.

I mean really-just the fact that women are the ones who have to deal with this issue the most, and are damn well expected to makes it really screwed up in my eyes. To me, taking another last name would mean losing part of my identity. AM I MY NAME? No, but it holds a lot within it. Yes, it was given to me by my father, the man, but I feel that I own up to it-it's here, it's a part of my name. The reason I love it so much is because you can tell right away where half my family came from. I think if it didn't convey that, I'd want an entirely different last name, and maybe I'll come to that someday, who knows. I'm beginning to think of making my mother's last name my middle name (i'm not going to lie, it rolls very nicely off my tongue).

But taking your husband's last name IS patriarchal. Your reasoning may not be, but it is. Once again, earthling's post=what I'm trying to convey.

I love my ethnic sounding, hard to pronounce name. My sister changed her name to Smith after marrying the first time - SMITH! Boring! My name is even the name of a completely culturally unrelated Bantu (African) sky god and creator spirit. How cool is that? When people mispronounce my name, some people in my family get irritated. It can be but.... I think of it like I am a riddle. My true identity is secret as long as nobody can pronounce my name!

It's a little bit of childish magic for me. And I will not lose that silliness for some outmoded tradition.

In Spain, women don't change their last names.

I would not take my husband's family name on marriage. He would be welcome to take mine, if he wanted, as my name is clearly so amazing and fun.

I probably won't get married, anyway. Maybe when I'm in my 40s or something, getting married when you're a little older seems romantic in a way that marrying in your 20s never could be. Or maybe if they legalize gay marriage and I fall completely in love with some amazing woman.

Is it anti-feminist if two women marry and one changes her name to the other woman's?

Call yourself whatever you like. Nobody else has to hear, write, etc your name repeated throughout your whole life.

I have to say it's a little insulting to have a choice I'm considering referred to as "un-feminist". "My name" is my father's name, and while I love him I have been estranged from his family for over a decade and have no ties to them. I like my name, but I'm not so tied to it that it really makes me much difference. My fiance is the only son in his family and his parents want him to keep his last name. (He doesn't care if I take his; he says that he doesn't want to take mine, and he doesn't think it's fair that he ask me to take his.) I may take his, I may keep my own for professional or aesthetic reasons...the choices right now seem pretty equal to me.

But they are choices. And they are both valid. Hyphenating is valid, creating a new name (which we're discussing) is valid. Yes, it comes from a patriarchal system. But so does my birth name. And making up a name would divorce us from our heritages. What I want is a 'team name' that will let people know that my fiance, myself, and any children we may have (or adopt, as is more likely) are a unit. Whoever that name comes from.

It is my choice. And it's not one I'm taking lightly. But if I choose his name, I won't be any less a feminist for it.

Your name is yours and you should do whatever you damn well please with it. As should all men.

That said, having changed my name twice (once at 18 to get rid of my unpronouncable ethnic name, then hyphenating with hubby at 24 after having a kid so we would all 3--now 5-- have the same name), I can say that the younger you are when you change your name, the better. If you want to get rid of your birth name, dump it ASAP and stick with the new name. It makes it easier for friends to keep in touch with you and makes job changing easier (records all under one name). Also makes health care easier. Basically makes everything easier.

What worries me is that this discussion mostly revolves around why WOMEN should, shouldn't change their name, if it's feminist, etc....but men do not even have to deal with this problem, not even think about it. I'd like to ask those women who say they are changing their names because they want to and not as a submission to patriarchy: would your husband even conisder changing his last name to yours? would that even be a discussion?

Well it certainly makes my day to know men are at least discussing it. I wouldn't have a problem w women changing their names if men changed their names half as often as women do!
BTW- My freind recently got married here in Texas...when she and her bf when to apply for the marriage license, she was given some papers that said Mr. and Mrs. (his first and last name). They weren't even married yet nor had she made the decision to change (not change) her name and already it said that in all the paperwork. She freaked out and asked the clerk what was gooing on. My friend said the clerk looked at her like "you crazy young feminist girl" and said" You don't have to change your name, I know it's the fashionable thing to do these days, but to Texas and the law you ARE Mr. and Mrs. (his first and last name)." I couldnt believe it!! My friend said she felt compelled to yell at the clerk and did her best to stay calm.
I didn't even know you were considered mr. and mrs. (the guy's name) under law. That sucks!

PS- I menat the clerk said "it's the fashionable thing to do these days" as in women keeping their own names. Which she obv. thought was wrong

Ok, I understand the idea of changing your name before you get married if you really, truly hate it or your family but as was pointed out above this is a huge pain in the ass. Now, I wasn't a feminist when I got married, so I really didn't agonize over whether changing my name was a feminist decision and I honestly don't know if I would make the same decision today. I changed my name not because I hated mine (I didn't, it was fine as is my married name) but because I knew when I was getting married that we planned to have children and for me it was important that we all shared the same name and my husband was in no way interested in changing his last name. Now- he didn't pressure me at all to change mine, he told me it was my name and he didn't care what I did with it, but I wanted us to have a family name, not individual family names. Even now that I don't know what I would do if I were presented with the same decision, I like that I have the same last name as both of my children and my husband.

One thing I keep thinking of is how arbitrary our names are anyway. Even if you take your mother's maiden name, you're still not giving the finger to the patriarchy, because that was her father's name, and his father's name, etc etc. I feel no real connection to my current (birth, I don't like the word "maiden") name, because it became my name from generations upon generations dismissing women's names upon marriage. This name does not and should not define any part of my identity because it only represents a very tiny portion of my lineage. It is for this reason I become annoyed when my family members talk about our family history, and the great "Smiths", to borrow from a previous poster. I hate that they have so much pride in something so arbitrary and dismissive of all my great great, etc grandmothers.

Like you I had a father who was not a nice father. I would have loved to have changed my name when my parents divorced but the whole process at the time was very arduous. Then I met and married and was very happy to take my husbands name which I think is really cool (which was a new family name his parents chose a few years after he was born).

I think the important thing here is that women have a choice about it, and it is no longer assumed that we "should" take a man's name. Isn't that what feminists fought for, choice.