i'm sorry for what you went through and hope you reach a just resolution of the matter. however, some of the questions asked were important to helping investigate and prosecute your matter. if you had sex close to the time you were raped, there is a chance dna from the other person may be in or on your and could implicate that person in the rape.

when you reported the incident is an issue the defendant would raise so why not address it sooner. and appraising you of the severity of the allegation is important since people do make false accusations. some people don't know there are ramifications for that

Hi again.

I'm really sorry that the police officer is such an asshole, and I really, really hate to say this because I wish it was different: That was a pretty typical reaction from a police officer.

After my incident (in which i was asleep at first and never saw the guy's face before, during, or after the assault) my counselor advised me not to go to the police and not to press charges. I had been drinking at a party. She said that it would make it worse and was dependent on a lot of IFs.

IF the police officer believed me/ believed what happened to me constituted assault
IF he/she cared
IF the DA wanted to take up my charges
IF it went to trial
IF I could handle being on the witness stand
IF the jury was sympathetic
IF I was prepared for it to go on for years
etc, etc

What I've learned from my experience and those of close friends is that essentially, if you weren't forcibly, violently raped, beaten, and threatened by a man you've never dated, kissed, or known, while doing something innocent (ie. not drinking or out at a club) and not wearing anything even close to resembling sexy clothing, then the police rarely care. Juries rarely care. Even people you once considered friends won't give it much regard.

You are so damn brave. So brave. I truly wish--still--that I have the courage to do what you did. By coming forward, even if no charges are pressed, there will be a paper trail on this guy. He will likely be under more scrutiny if he does this to someone else. By coming forward, you are helping get rid of the violent stranger rape stigma and helping the cause. I commend you and thank you.

As for jaja's comment above, the "false accusations" myth does a whole hell of a lot more to hurt rape victims than anything else. Very few, I think something like 2% of rape reports end up being false. ( can't find statistic right now...) Some victims do change their story, however, due to pressure from police, family, assailant, etc.

Anyway, I'm really glad that you're taking a proactive stand on this. You already have a lot of resources at hand, but you may want to check out rainn's statistics here:

http://www.rainn.org/statistics

Good luck. Stay strong.

Those are questions that need to be asked at some point. But he doesn't have to be rude and aggressive about it. I wish real police were as sensitive as (most of) the detectives on Law and Order SVU.

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

While some of the police officer's questions might actually have some validity (he needs to know in terms of evidence-gathering), it sounds as though his tone and attitude were piss-poor, blaming, and indicating he was just too lazy to treat you like someone who needed his help. That truly sounds terrible and I'm so sorry you had to endure that. You shouldn't have.

However, as you go through the criminal justice system, it's probably only going to get worse. If this continues, you'll have the prosecuting attorney asking you the same blaming questions. It'll be to explain your actions, but the tone will be very similar. Then, if the prosecutor accepts the case (which, in all likelihood, he or she may not because it sounds like you don't have the support of the police), it'll be even worse from the defense attorneys.

If you want to go through all of that, terrible as it may be, that's great. However, remember that you are under no obligation to put yourself through that. You need to take care of you right now. You need to do what's right for you to make you feel safer and start recovering from your experience. Don't worry about what you think you SHOULD do and do what you NEED to do. Surround yourself with good friends that you trust. Find out what will work for you then do that.

Good luck. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with shit like this.

I don't understand why the police officer's opinion about "the punishment for sexual assault not fitting the crime" should matter to you the victim, me the oberserver, or...well, anyone else really. I thought (perhaps erroneously, correct if wrong) that police don't have much say in deciding the length or power of sentences. He's not a legislator or even a judge. So why is bandying about his opinion rather than doing the job he is supposed to be doing--collecting information in a dispassionate and professional and courteous manner?

(Personally, I think Rape is very similar to the crime of Torture in both's forcing of the living victim to percolate in their trauma for years afterward; both crimes deserve strong sentences that would convey to the perp and to society that torturing a living vicitm is a serious crime against humanity, and not "just sex.").

The other thing I don't understand is how your county can require a police officer to approve before you can get a rape exam and possibly press charges? Are there any other crimes where the victim has to do this first before being allowed to press charges or before an alleged criminal is brought in for questioning (I don't know)?

So, is your case dead in the water? Isn't having a police officer determine the validity of a case a violation of your constitutional rights or somesuch? That is, if cops get to eseentially decide potential cases on their merits ("this one won't be convincing in court, so we're not going to question the alleged perp or otherwise do anything to get the case prosecuted"), aren't they taking over the job that's assigned to judges and juries?

Can anyone who knows the (U.S.) law advise?

Original Poster: thank you for posting your (continuing) trauma. You have helped many victims and future victims with your candor. I hope that lawyer you contact can give further insight into the situation(like whether the cop was just asking evidence questions or whether he took it further by disbelieving you up front or not authorizing the exam).

Stay strong.

"Apparently since I didn't say no more than once,"

This. This I don't get. You said no when you told him you weren't on birth control and thus wanted to wait. It sounds like you told him no various other times and so he just fooled around with you and you said no even to some of that because you wanted to talk. You said no to vaginal sex just before it happened and never consented to that. Apparently this officer thinks all sex is the same (except one can get you pregnant and one can't...). So yeah, nothing in the story you posted here indicates you wanted vaginal sex. In fact, it sounds like you were more obviously against it than most rape cases. Do they not also get you to write down what happened?

I don't know how you'd do it but it seems like you could get further complaining about the police department than trying to bring this guy to court. Maybe. I don't know how you'd do that but I hate to think that every officer in the department is as rude and uncaring as him.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

This sort of stuff is why I often encourage survivors to pursue restraining orders. They're much easier to get (all you have to prove is that you feel threatened, at least in most states) than any type of criminal conviction. The police often don't give a shit about survivors. They often don't believe them. It's awful, and yet the same police officers will complain because not enough rape survivors come forward to get any convictions. I've actually met someone who said going to the police was much more traumatic than the rape itself (and she was raped by a stranger, beaten, etc, the things that people "expect" from a rape survivor. The police contended that a (white) stranger has the right to "have sex with" a tipsy (black) woman walking herself home.). It's not an uncommon experience to have the police handle things really badly. I truly wish it was...

If you want to do something that may have an impact, can you tell the organization with the advocate that the advocate didn't do a good job int that situation?

Again, I'm terribly sorry you're going through it. No one deserves it. I hope you have some supportive friends, and I'd encourage you to talk to someone at RAINN (someone linked above).

These are the same kind of fucked up questions I got asked when I was trying to press charges. Not enough evidence to back up my claim = me a lying, filthy fucking whore who's ruined this guy's life.

I really, really hope YOU get to see justice from this, because I know I didn't. And I wondered why I'd never tried to press charges against cunts who'd abused me before.

Unfortunately - reading shit like this is just all too common. It still makes my blood fucking boil.

But all the best of luck to you. I'm sure you are more than strong enough to make it through this and I can't emphasis this enough - I really,,REALLY wish you all the best.

It's outrageous that you're being faced with this indignity when you've been courageous enough to come forward about your rape. And unfortunately, it seems like the way you're being treated is typical across the US whether you're in for a restraining order (like I was once, only to be told that I was 'leading him on') or rape (like you are).
Like Kate said, though, you'll leave this guy with a file, which will help you in the future and may help others. It's not totally in vain.

its not easy or not having fun to do that.

I think no good girl will do that.