Domestic violence seems to be all the rage these days once we all found out Chris beat up Rihanna. Yesterday the New York Times had another interesting article on teenage girls still supporting and idolizing Chris, while blaming Rihanna for bringing it on. Apparently that's nothing new, as the Boston Globe came out with a similar article earlier this Monday.
What was inspiring was reading about Day One, a non profit who partners with New York City youth to end dating abuse and domestic violence through community education, legal advocacy, supportive services and leadership development. Better to educate them while they're young.
Meanwhile I was listening to a Hawaiian radio show a couple of days ago and the DJ reported that 25 year-old Royal Kaukani was killed by her ex-boyfriend Toi Nofoa Tuesday. He rode up to her parked car, got off his bike, and shot her several times in the head.
Last year, Kaukani had filed two temporary restraining orders against Nofoa. In her petitions she stated a deeply disturbing history of violence with Nofoa including: being thrown down the stairs in 2006,being thrown across the room in June 2008, and being kidnapped at gunpoint in September 2008.
In December 2008, the court granted Kaukani's request for a restraining order only to have Kaukani, a month later, ask the court to dissolve the order. She stated the two had gotten back together and were planning to get married. The court denied her request.
This was Hawaii's third death due to domestic violence this year.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports 1,200 deaths and two million injuries to women from intimate partner violence each year. On average, three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends each day in this country.
Martha Forbes, executive director of the Capital Area Family Violence Intervention Center in Louisiana, states 75 percent of murders involving intimate partners in the United States occur either when the woman leaves the relationship or shortly afterward. “An abusive relationship is all about power and control,” she said. “Once a woman leaves, that power and control is gone.”
Most people who have not experienced a domestic violence situation or relationship have no concept of why many women act the way they do in those situations. To them, it makes no sense. Naturally. If he is hurting you, then leave--what's the big deal? And if you are dumb enough to stay or keep going back to him, well then there's nothing we can do to help you.
I have always called that period of my life, simply, brainwashed. I was constantly doubting myself, thought I did something wrong, scared he would get mad at me at anytime, about anything. I was walking on eggshells constantly. He started hanging around another girl and I became mad with jealousy. And yet, I still couldn't leave.
Finally, I did. Six times as a matter of fact. And it was extremely hard every time.
A friend of mine put it well--most people cannot conceive what it's like to have a crime committed in one's own home by someone we love and whom otherwise, most of the time, seems to care about us.
I still don't know that I can clearly define an abuser or spot one right away. I do know that I am hyper-aware now of bad tempers, any kind of judgments, any slight hint of control or jealousies. I don't plan on ever letting someone hurt me that much ever again.
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I was on the receiving end of escalating violence and didn't see what might happen until he hit me and tried to strangle me. All this time he would threaten suicide if I left him. At first it was just him arguing and being stubborn. He hated all my friends and put down my family and would sulk for hours if I went somewhere alone. One day he kicked his dog, just because he was upset about something. The next time it was me. But we were together almost 24-7 and yes, I got very, very used to him. I had no doubt he loved me. He was just a sick person. When I finally left, despite what he did, I felt like I'd lost an arm or leg. It was like that for a year - there was this huge hole in my life. And my demographic (high education, professional background) presupposes this would never happen.
*Trigger Warning*
I relate to the eggshells. It got to a point with my boyfriend that I was afraid to even disagree,because he was very "passionate", and explosive. He took everything so personal, and so everything I said was a perceived slight against him. He would just raise his arm, or throw something at me, all the time with a stabbing stare. It pisses me off when people victim blame, and make statements like "she was asking for it" or "she's blowing it out of proportion". Nobody asks for this kind of treatment. Nobody should have to duck out of fear when they're in an argument. The culmination of our relatinship was when I had to see the doctor to make sure I didn't suffer a TIA after a major incident in which I gave him an ultimatum that if he ever threw anything at me again, or raised a hand to me again, I would call the police. I guess I was wrong for not keeping my big mouth shut.
No, sweetie, you are not wrong for keeping your mouth shut. I am so sorry that was the consequence of speaking up for yourself. And I hope you are out of that situation now.