I see myself as able to be assertive, as willing to tell how I feel.
Then I realize I'm wrong.
Until I read this site, I didn't realize it was because of how I was socialized (though I suspect my fiance did... he's probably a better feminist in some ways than I am). So... putting up two things about me, both involving guys. One with a positive outcome, one where the only positive outcome is that I no longer talk to the guy involved.
First the positive outcome:
Important, yet somewhat... oversharing background: I am very tight vaginally. Sometimes (not often), intercourse is painful because the stretching is just not what it wants to do (I have my yearly women's, the speculum causes the same problem, I get checked out, it's not a problem, it's just my body).
And the story: My now-fiance (when this happened we were dating, not engaged) is the only man I've had sex with. I've known him over half my life now (I'm 21), and I trust him completely. I also want to satisfy him. This desire is too strong, really, but thankfully my fiance knows me so well, and is an amazing man. One time (okay, several times before he convinced me that it was OKAY), sex was painful. I tried to hide it, because I wanted to get my fiance off, even though it wasn't enjoyable, and was not fun for me. My fiance noticed the difference in me, and kept asking, "Are you okay?", and even though I nodded, or told him yes... he could tell I wasn't, and immediately stopped. Not only did he stop, he was immediately completely turned off, and went straight to comforting me because I was feeling guilty for not satisfying him. He was so wonderful about it, taking care of my emotional needs.
Now... the very negative story, the one I hope I'm assertive enough to avoid now.
Trigger warning
This is hard to write, because I don't know how I feel about what happened yet... well, a couple years ago, over the summer, I was at my dad's for a week during the summer, and a "friend" came over. This guy wasn't the greatest of people, but I have a bad habit that I'm getting over of trying to "fix" people, so I wasn't willing to dump him as a friend despite knowing he lied. In fact, he was so good at lying, he manages to basically make the lie real to him, as near as I can tell, without a psych degree. That contributed to the incident, because he got himself into one of his... states... where he claimed to have some sort of multiple personality thing, and managed to fake it completely. We were home alone at my dad's, and he went into a zoned out state where he really wasn't himself. He then started to touch me, in a sexual manner, and started to unbutton my skirt (which was buttoned from the ground up), after managing to get himself on top of me (I don't remember how he did that). I rebuttoned the skirt, and he kept trying, kinda. I didn't say anything, but I pushed him away, but he is heavier and stronger than me, so... he stayed, until he snapped out of whatever state his mental issues (and I'm convinced he has them), and then he claimed he didn't remember a bit of it, and apologized. I accepted it, and made an excuse as to why he had to leave... and it took me a while to actually get mad at him for what he did, rather than blame myself. After I did that, I blocked him on messenger and don't talk to him anymore. But... I still feel that it was to some degree my fault for letting him in... for not saying anything... for not letting him know how wrong it was (despite the fact he obviously knew!).
I don't want to make people mad. I don't want people to hate me. I want to please people. I need to reduce that to make sure I don't get hurt again.
Yet, I see myself as assertive, after all that. Contrary, no?
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First off, if you rebuttoned your clothes and tried to push him away, that's a neon sign that screams "NO." So anyone who continues after that has sexually assaulted you. It doesn't matter whether you were thinking "I wish this guy would get off me but I can't bring myself to yell at him." Your actions spoke very clearly. Anyone would understand. And anyone who still continued is an assailant.
As to your other points...
I don't think there's a necessary dissonance, at all. Nobody has one set, static, monolithic Personality, and the idea that we DO is a fiction. Our personalities do not exist in a vacuum, but in response to others around us.
You may very well be "assertive"...in certain scenarios and around certain types of people. Perhaps you are assertive around friends, professors/teachers, co-workers and bosses, but you become a "pleaser" and "yes-woman" when you are placed alone with a man. (This could be for combined reasons of socialization and personal psychology and experience).
So, rather than look at it as "I'm so contradictory and confused in my personality," you could think of it as "I know I have both elements of assertiveness AND pushover-ness within me. I resolve to go forward cultivating and developing the elements of assertiveness I display in some areas, and to transfer them to the other aspects of my life."
I'm unclear as to the intended connection between the two stories you shared, but it seems the common thread is (1) alone (2) with a man, (3) in sexual or a potentially sexual situation, and (4) finding yourself unable or unwilling to (literally) speak up when you were in discomfort or distress.
The difference between the two stories is that one man did not love and care for you and leveraged your inability to speak up to assault you, whereas the other man, caring for you, picked up on your unspoken signals and gave you the physical respite and emotional reassurance you needed.
In both cases, your comfort or discomfort, your happiness or sadness, your pleasure or your pain depended entirely on the man and his response. Everything transpired on account of a man's choices and wishes, not your own.
So, maybe that's the challenge in your life you can try and work through: speaking to MEN (whether your fiance or others) those unspoken needs and wishes and hurts. Asserting yourself in awkward or emotionally vulnerable moments with men. Just a thought.
Thank you. I wrote this post late at night after finals, after I had been thinking since I joined feministing and read a post about a situation that resonated with me to my second situation... and after finals, it somehow connected to the first. I wasn't sure why (and regretted the post afterwards), but you explained what I only... felt. And gave me a different way to look at it. Thank you.
(And I'm not posting at the end of finals week again.)
One thing that helped me learn how to be consistently assertive (as opposed to the extremes of being too rigid and overly defensive or too accommodating so as not to offend) was learning about boundaries. Two books that were helpful for me: 1) Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin and 2) Where To Draw the Line (both are by Anne Katherine, M.A.). There may be newer or better books out there but these are two that I know about. I read them in my 30s but I wish I had read something like them in my teens. I hope this is helpful!
I am sorry to hear about your experience with sexual assault. I think everyone in the other comments has spoken to this better than I can, but I have a suggestion for your issues with vaginal tightness, if you haven't tried it already. Try doing Kegel exercises to tone your PC muscle. It takes a long time (think weeks) to see a difference, but having more control over your pelvic muscles gives you much more control over how your vagina responds to penetration. Don't do it for your partner, but do it for yourself. I had the same problem with tightness for about the first year I was sexually active and it is now gone. It's good that you are with a caring partner who treats you the way you SHOULD be treated, as a human being.