"Ugh, my LIFE right now!"
I've gone through difficult times before. My mother has battled depression for years, since before I can remember. I know how to handle myself. I've been a feminist for -- well really my whole life, but my click moment happened about a year ago when I found this site.
Since then though, I haven't had a boyfriend, until very recently. And here's where my problem is -- I'm too nice. If someone is being degrading, I don't tell them unless it's completely heinous. And sometimes I will put up with someone, no matter what they are doing or have done to me, because I want them to like me. That's the way I am, and sometimes it's wrong and I know I should change it. But that's not the point. I am supposed to be telling a story here.
This is about a guy. I met him online, on a site where I thought I would meet nice people. I agreed to meet him in a public place, and we could talk. He seemed nice, not the best kisser ever but it was fun and he seemed like he listened to what I had to say. I had a problem later though, when he would call me "sweetie" and "babe" and I couldn't tell him it made me feel small. Possibly because of how small I felt.
I knew he wanted to have sex with me. We had talked about it. I told him I didn't want to have vaginal intercourse until I was on birth control and it had started taking effect. I have too many friends who got pregnant at a young age and I didn't (don't) want to be one of them. It's too much pressure and even though I would get it taken care of (read: abortion) I fear that the stress would be too much on my already loaded shoulders. I thought since he was considerate enough to talk to me about it as if I were his equal (*cough*) he would be nice enough to treat me the same way. I was wrong.
He constantly tried to coerce me into fooling around. I wasn't against it most of the time, but when I asked if we could go on a date someplace public (and maybe NOT fool around for a couple of hours, but talk, like people tend to do) he acted as though if he continually badgered me I would eventually give in. Mind you I've never really been in a relationship with a man before -- only a boy when I was a kid and a teenage girl when I was in high school. So I'm not privy to their ways. Anyway, he didn't respect anything I said and that should have been an indicator. But, I pressed on.
One day, since he had been trying to pressure me into having sex and I actually felt like I would enjoy it at the moment were it to occur, I called him and asked him to come over. When he got there, we were about to do it and I asked him not to penetrate me vaginally -- I still hadn't started birth control. He said okay and I gave him permission to, erm, put it elsewhere. So that was all well and good until he pulls out and announces he's going in -- the other way. I was too caught up in the moment to say anything, and it resulted in a bacterial infection which was incredibly bothersome, and a bigger problem even than that: did my boyfriend just rape me? I am very confused. I've since broken up with him, obviously, but god. Not to mention after that happened I blew some guy at a party and felt bad about that too.
Sex and relationships with guys totally suck right now. Maybe I should just stick with ladies for awhile...
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What a fucking asshole. You are not to blame for being so meek, and you are not to blame for him putting it where you didn't want it to go. That is rape. I'm sorry, but he made you join the club.
You specifically told him not to penetrate you vaginally, and ONCE should be enough, you shouldn't have to say 'no' again after that. What an asshole, seriously, moving it from the backdoor to the front, fucking idiot. I'd press charges and make him pay (cash) for anything you needed for the bacterial infection.
Sorry you had to go through this, and I hope you don't feel too down. It's okay if you do, though. Good luck to you in the future.
I'm sorry this happened! Yikes. It's rough out there for women trying to find their way around their sexuality and looking for respectful partners. You aren't alone.
In fact it seems like every couple of days, we get postings like this here. Something is sorely needed. A feminist mentoring forum perhaps??? Does it exist?
Seems that way doesn't it. Makes me wish I could just teletransport and give these posters a hug (if they want it). Of course I wish I could do a lot more than that. This just seems so much more common that people think.
Meghanebell, you can know you're not alone. With the silence and shame around rape and sexual assault, I bet a lot of people feel alone after this happens. Remember, there are crisis lines. They are there to listen to you and support you. Don't hesitate to call, especially if you feel you can't really talk to anyone around you.
Staying away from dating men for now does sound like a good idea. Figure out what you want and what's okay and not okay for you. Figure out your boundaries and how to insist people respect them. Easier said than done I know. Also, try not to be hard on yourself. Also easier said than done.
Yes, he did. How many times would you have to say "no."? This reminds me of a Savage Love article:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=125353
Let's just call a spade a spade. He raped you. He's a rapist.
Other than that, I don't know what else to say except that I'm sorry this happened to you. Is there a rape crisis center in your area you could go to?
Good luck.
Thank you all for your support. I think at first I was in shock and now I'm just sort of realizing what's happened and it's really difficult. But your words do help, so thanks.
I'll probably call a rape crisis hotline of some sort... I've already looked it up. Feminist mentoring forum sounds like a capital idea... In fact I'm thinking of starting a group in my area for young women and LGBTQ youth -- I am almost sure now that I will make discussing rape and helping young women to cope one of our biggest priorities.
That sounds like a wonderful idea--but probably best to keep it for in the future.
You'll likely be in some stage of shock for a few more days before you get really, really pissed off. Don't try to take on more than you can handle. Any sort of group that is there for love and support sounds just like what you need--but being the one responsible for starting it may weigh too heavily on your shoulders right now.
I thought I could handle moving on and getting my life back together rather quickly, but ended up withdrawing from a semester at school. You just need to take care of YOU right now.
I'm sure there's an already established group out there for you to help you deal with the immediate reactions you're having here. And maybe down the line, when you are in a better place and have a bit of emotional distance from your assault, you can try to help other people. Helping others is a great way to move on, but only if you have taken care of yourself first.
Yes, even if I were to start work on this advocacy group I would have a lot of support and I would mostly be the "idea person" and not the one who does a lot of the work. However it's only in budding stages right now so it'll be awhile yet.
I've started to get over the shock and the anger is indeed creeping in. In fact I'm angry at nearly everyone. But for good reason -- I'm going to write another post about it. The police officer I tried to file a report with was a disrespectful, unhelpful douchebag who actually treated me more like a criminal than the victim of a crime. Law suit much? u.u
I don't really have anything to add, just I'm sorry that happened...
...I mean, "I'm sorry he did that to you".
It is terrible that man raped you. I am so sorry.
I hope that you are able to find the support you need, and the strength to face what he did. Men can be scum. Unfortunately the scummy ones target those of us who are going through a rough patch, who they can get close enough to hurt.
I don't know what social construct makes people believe that a date or a few dates entitles one to sex, but it's ridiculous. And hurtful, to everyone. I wish I knew a way to fight it. I wish we'd found a way to eliminate violence against women. Before you'd ever met that man.
Be strong.
I wish, I so sincerely wish, that ALL sex education would NECESSARILY include information about 1) what is sexual assault, legally speaking, and, just as importantly 2) what constitutes respect and disrespect on the part of men, and what are behaviours to watch out for that are unacceptable and signal danger (like, for example, harassment/badgering). These particular classes would have to be taught girls-only. From several posts on this board, it seems like there's a real need for it.