Today on the front page of the Redeye (a free daily edition of the Chicago Tribune) I was surprised to find an article about domestic violence.
It was really unexpected and I was happy that the article was on the cover because I feel that this issue is so hidden from the public a lot of the time and not talked about. Of course, the reason it was probably on the cover (or had an article written on it at all) was because of the recent Chris Brown violence against Rihanna, but the article hardly mentioned that.
One of the things I liked most in the article was how someone from the West Side Domestic Abuse Project said they were trying to re-shape the question surrounding domestic violence from "Why doesn't she leave?" to "Why doesn't he stop?"
The article isn't perfect and I have my worries about these types of programs that are trying to rehabilitate the abuser (how can it really work if the abuser doesn't want to be there?) but I thought it would be interesting to share with everyone here. Here is an exerpt, and you can read the rest here.
On a recent Friday evening, 14 men squeezed into the tight offices of Avance, a counseling center in Lincoln Square, to explore why they abused their significant others.Avance director Jorge Argueta surveyed the circle of men and asked a twentysomething man with a blond crew cut what had driven him to violence.
"To have control," the young man answered.
"And you?" Argueta asked the man beside him.
"Control," he nodded.
Sitting quietly in the corner wearing wire-rimmed glasses and a cell phone earpiece, a man named Juan, the only man attending the group voluntarily, said he hoped to reunite with his wife. She took their child and left their Logan Square home after Juan hurled a chair during a fight about who should watch the toddler.
"I felt I lost control of the situation," Juan said, explaining his outburst. "I felt disrespected."
Just what drives a person to abuse a partner has been top of mind in recent weeks as pop darling Chris Brown faces charges that he brutally beat pop star girlfriend Rihanna. Now that Brown and Rihanna have reportedly reunited, a chorus of people are cautioning Rihanna to leave. Oprah Winfrey recently warned on her show, "He will hit you again."
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"...the West Side Domestic Abuse Project said they were trying to re-shape the question surrounding domestic violence from 'Why doesn't she leave?' to 'Why doesn't he stop?'"
That line almost gave me chills. It's such a consciousness-raising moment to realize that we so rarely hear "why doesn't he stop?"
But we need to change the conversation...thanks for posting this!
I thought the same thing. From now on, every time I hear someone ask why a victim doesn't leave her or his abuser I'm going to ask why he or she doesn't just stop being abusive.
interesting article - thanks.
Wow. We have this discussion about rape constantly--it's an active verb, an act committed BY someone--and this is the first time I've seen it come up so forcefully here regarding abuse. Kudos.
Of course, the conversation needs to include the fact that often him "just stopping" is as difficult as her "just leaving." I'm glad there are programs popping up to support and rehabilitate abusers, and I hope these programs or ones like them can expand to youth education to stop abuse before it starts.
I'm trying to understand this, but I just don't get it. What do you mean "why doesn't he stop?" Because he is a violent sociopathic asshole, that's why! To me the idea of a campaign to tell people not to be abusers just seems ridiculous. Why don't we just have a campaign that says, "Don't murder!" or "Don't steal!" No one would think that would work because it is assumed that people who do these things are so outside of society that such messages would be irrelevant. How is this any different?
Is it because for some reason so called "domestic violence" is more acceptable in our society than other types of assault? Is the idea to change society's perception of domestic abuse? I'm really not trying to be a jerk about this, I would honestly like to understand. I have been hearing a lot about these types of campaigns recently and I just can't get my head around it. Does anyone have any wisdom to share that could help me comprehend this?
Analog I think you understand more than you think you do. Some of the reasons you listed are exactly right.
But I don't think people that steal and murder are so far removed from society that there is no point in trying to reform them. If everyone had that attitude we might as well lock all criminals up for life and throw away the keys. Screw all forms of rehabilitation. Yes, lots of criminals are repeat offenders. But many can be rehabilitated and I think we'd be a sad excuse for a society if we just decided to give up on everyone.
And I wouldn't classify abusers as sociopathic (even though it might feel cathartic to do so) because in almost every case they are not. Sociopaths make up an estimated 1% of the population. They are people that feel no remorse for their actions and do not care about moral or even legal reprecussions. This is not the case for domestic abusers (and even most murderers). On the contrary many abusers know afterwards that what they did was wrong but "she just made me so mad." And they'll apologize profusely. That does not describe sociopathic behavior. Sociopaths cannot be helped by any programs. They are incurable as any psychologist worth her salt would probably tell you. If you want to know more about sociopaths I'd suggest looking up "psychopathic personality disorder."
Sorry to kind of go off on a tangent there but both my parents are psychologists and I know a lot about these kinds of topics.
I agree that labeling them sociopathic isn't accurate.
One thing that the OP and my experience with abusive men has illustrated for me is that we, as a society, REALLY need to divorce the idea of respect from violence. I dated two men, one who was abusive and one who was just royally fucked up, who told me that they would expect to hit their future kids "if they weren't respecting me." When I discussed it with them, they insisted, "Hitting them would make them respect me. Fear breeds respect."
Now, nevermind that the royally fucked up one had an abusive dad who he certainly did not respect, especially because of the violence. But for some reason, there seems to be this pervasive idea that people respect violence.
This doesn't lead to the idea that abusers are sociopaths at all, but it does go a long way to answering the question, "Why doesn't he stop?" He doesn't stop (among other reasons) because he lacks any other tools for gaining respect because he believes it when society tells him to hit to be respected.
(I think I was agreeing with llevinso but replying to analog here).
Yes, very very good points alixana.
BTW, if you don't know, I'm the OP also. For some reason when I make OPs in the community they come up as Lara but then my replies are still llevinso. Oh well!
Sorry, I wasn't trying to use the term "sociopath" in a clinical sense. Just as kind of a throwaway adjective - probably not the best choice of wording. And no, I don't think most criminals (even rapists and murderers) are beyond redemption or rehabilitation.
Aside from that, I am left with the same question: is it really productive to ask "why does he abuse?" It just seems so nonsensical. If a city had a high murder rate, we wouldn't put up billboards saying, "Don't murder." We wouldn't be asking, "why do people murder? (or rape, or steal?)" So why would this be an effective use of resources for reducing domestic violence? Doesn't the fact that these campaigns exist (when they don't exist for other types of crime), show that for some reason society thinks that someone who assaults their intimate partner is somehow not as bad as someone who attacks a stranger? Or that they should be dealt with differently?
Is that the case? Is it more effective to deal with DV differently than with other types of crime? Or would it be more beneficial for us to articulate that beating up your girlfriend is the same as beating up a stranger, and that it should carry the same penalty? To me it seems like worrying about why an abuser abuses muddles the message that domestic violence is VIOLENCE. Who the violence is directed towards is irrelevant.
Or am I wrong? Is there another way to think about this, or any research on the subject?
Well, I would hope that if a city has a high murder rate we would be asking why. One of the first steps in preventing future crimes is understanding some of the contributing factors. This doesn't mean excusing the criminal. Plus, the reality is that domestic abusers are not going to go to jail for the rest of their life, so understanding why they abuse means that we can then "treat" them in more effective ways so that maybe they stop. (I am also not saying that they should not go to jail, but once again, in reality, this often does not happen, the abused does not want to to pursue this, etc.) A lot of abusers won't change, regardless, but I am all for understanding why they abuse. For instance, we have found out that what is going on is that the abuser is trying to control their partner. That drastically changes the kind of treatment they will receive than if we were giving them anger management treatment (ineffective for abusers) because we thought it was purely an anger issue. I do agree with you, however, that the public views domestic violence as something not as serious as violence on a stranger or acquaintance which needs to change. I just don't think that studying the issue is counterintuitive to that.