I'm currently planning a wedding for my partner and myself and I'm trying to make it gender neutral, which means cutting out a lot of traditional (in my opinion) crap. I find that instead of being supported in this decision, I am constantly met with criticism and a phrase that is beginning to make me want to punch people in the face: "It's just tradition."
First of all, let's look at that phrase. The word "just" suggests that being a "tradition" is nothing. This makes very little sense since the word "tradition" itself means that something has been passed down through several generations. A tradition is a big deal, with lots of people involved, it isn't "just" a little thing.
Secondly, where did these traditions come from? Oh, that's right, from when women were property and were passed from their fathers to their husbands.
Just because it is "tradition," doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do. But I'm happy to take judgmental words like "right" and "wrong" out of the equation. Some people want a "traditional" wedding. That's fine. But then let's talk about how brides are treated during the wedding planning process.
If a woman wants to spend millions of dollars on flowers, table cloths, photographers, and a little tiara so that she can feel like a princess for one day, we support her. It's her day, after all, she should have whatever she wants.
If a woman wants to enter into a committed relationship without being "given away" like property, without being referred to only by her relationship to a man (i.e. "I now pronounce you MAN and WIFE"), or without wearing white (because God knows women are only "valuable" if they are "pure"). . . well, those women are just hypersensitive. It's just tradition, after all!
How come the first woman is supported for having whatever she wants on "her day," and the second woman is teased for being sensitive and dramatic?
I do not belong to anyone, so I do not want to be given away. I am a separate individual from my partner, and I would like to be treated like one, even in name. I like red more than white and think that I am worthwhile regardless of "purity."
I want to know why people think that something being "tradition" makes it the right way to do things. And I want to know why the current tradition is that "brides get whatever they want," so long as what they want is to be the center of attention, the "princess" for the day. Personally, I can't think of a "princess" story that makes me want to be one. . . or be treated like one, for that matter.
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Amen to that.
As my bf and I get closer to getting engaged and married, the more I worry about this stuff. I thoughly plan on ditching most of the sexist stuff out of the ceremony, but I don't know what to do about some things. My parents are helluva conservative ("I can't beleive I raised a feminist!" sayeth my Mom) and I'm certain my dad is fully expecting to be asked for my hand in marriage and to give me away. I love them to death and don't want to hurt their feelings, but I also don't want to pay any homage or even remotely be treated like chattel being handed from one man to the next.
I, too, fear the reactions that my parents and future in-laws will have... So far the plan is to change bout our names to a hyphenated one, and I don't know how his dad will handle it, considering he's named after him.
I was just never able to do anything just because it's tradition. Ever. I need to see a reason behind it. A lot of things I can think of reasons to keep doing them, but to me, traditional weddings are just a 'no.' I just can't think of a good reason to continue these traditions that started when women were still under ownership of whoever's last name they were given. I even plan on proposing to my b/f (still don't know how I will do it.) I'm mostly worried about people calling him 'whipped' and saying how I have the pants, yadda yadda.
But I just figure any couple can tell relatives that they all had a chance to have more than one relative be married the 'traditional' way (probably, I don't know about other families, but this is true in mine). They should be able to accept that one person in their family doesn't want to follow the example the culture has set out for them and do things their own way, right?
Interesting thing, that:
"If a woman wants to enter into a committed relationship without being "given away" like property, without being referred to only by her relationship to a man (i.e. "I now pronounce you MAN and WIFE")"
Here, in Brazil, in Portuguese, we say "Eu os declaro marido e mulher" "I now pronouce you husband and WOMAN".
In English, the woman "levels up". In Portuguese, the man "levels up". Bizarre, no? I do not like to use the word "marido" because it's feminine equivalent would be "mulher", woman. So, it's not unusual to say "Ela é minha mulher", "She is my woman", like actually the man OWNS the woman. But women, here, say "Ele é meu marido", "He is my husband".
I like to use "esposo" and "esposa", spouse. No level up.
Anyway, yes, the traditions suck, specially the naming one, IMO. If I, someday, would be able to marry a future girlfriend, I'd like to fuse my name with hers, with an hyphen. Better than erasing one surname or just adding the groom's surname to the wife's. My mother has a really longname (Which is LONG), about five names in total, and my father has three. My mom had four before her wedding, and my father still has three. Both me and my sister have to proper names and the two surnames -- Ending with my father's.
Eh... Do not liek.
I have the same attitudes about the terms "marido" y "mujer" in Spanish - I also prefer to say "esposo" or "esposa", but the word "cónyuge" also exists!
Same thing here with French - "mon mari" (my husband) and "ma femme" (my wife/woman).
There's also "épouse" (wife) and "époux" (husband) but those are considered more formal.
My husband and I said "Fuck tradition" when we decided to get married three weeks before we did it. We decided that because it was our wedding, we'd do it Sinatra-style -- our way. We got married out of state with only 4 people in attendance (moms, sister, sister-in-law). I kept my name; he kept his. I gave myself away. Since we got married on a small island (Mackinac) I was only able to find a Christian minister, but he agreed to do a non-religious ceremony and omit any mention of "god" (I'm Buddhist, hubby is agnostic). He also presented us as Mr. and Ms. Brandon X and Rachel Richardson. The entire wedding, honeymoon and informal reception we held for friends and families later after our return cost less than $8k.
We had originally planned on getting married in-state and I had already lined up a Buddhist, lesbian Catholic lay minister to officiate. My hubby said that the great thing about being Buddhist is that I could tell everyone that "Oh, this is a Buddhist tradition" and they'd be none the wiser.
Allowing your friends and family to attend your wedding is your gift to them. You would never presume to tell someone what to buy you -- you accept a gift as-is and graciously. In the end, you and your partner will be the one to most remember your wedding. Make the memories great ones.
I've been weighing these questions as well. My SO and I have been discussing marriage and I'm in the bridal party of three upcoming weddings. For the weddings of my friends, I have no problem planning the traditional parties and supporting the weddings that they have dreamed about. What bothers me is the strain put on these women to be everything to everyone. To have their weddings fulfill the dreams of mothers and grandmothers and aunts. Like a marriage would be less if the ceremony differs from a family member's.
All of the stress, the worry that these women take on only takes away from their happiness. Every compromise, each little plan that they change to make someone else happy detracts from the vision the couple has for their wedding. Even if it's just one day, it's a jumping off point for their lives together. It should be exactly as the couple wants it to be.
nvolkers, be true to yourself. Don't be afraid to say no. Make the first day of your marriage the first day of your marriage. Maybe the feminist weddings of our generation can start new traditions. Nonpatriarchal, nonsexist traditions honoring the equality of the couple, their love and respect for each other.