As many of you on here know, I was raped a little over 8 years ago. It's been a struggle every day but I'm a survivor and am doing my best to move on with my life and make the best of things. But right now I'm having a really hard time and here's why:
I recently (about a 1 ½ years ago) moved back to Chicago. This is my home, where I grew up. I had not lived here since I was 18 (the time of my rape). It was weird because for the past 5 years or so before I came back I had not thought about the rape too much. I wasn't around the place that it happened (my parents' house) and I wasn't around the people that were there (my high school friends). So for the time period that I lived away from home I was able to move on and not totally forget about it but put it out of my mind a bit.
Now I'm back here and I've been thinking about it a lot more. I burst into tears about it for no reason when I've been drinking sometimes. I've told a lot more people about the incident than I ever intended to. Part of it could be because it's been 8 years and I'm finally ready to talk about it. But I think a lot of it has to do with because I'm back here.
The biggest issue for me, however, is that I was raped by someone I know and someone my friends know. We had hooked up a few times before my rape, and he was in my circle of friends in high school. So talking about it around them has always been a tricky situation. Thankfully, he's since fallen out of favor with most of my friends since high school. It's not because I've told them about the rape (a lot of them don't know, only the ones I'm really close with) but because he's an overall douchebag (surprise surprise).
So anyway I haven't seen him since I've moved back, thank goodness, but one of my oldest friends is (I'll just call him "R" for Rapist) R's biggest supporter basically. It's very complicated but this friend of mine knows about the rape. He knows it was R that did it. He knows every detail. He was also the one that told me that R did this same thing to another girl. So why is he still friends with R? I've known this guy for almost 10 years now (he's actually an ex-boyfriend) and he's always been the sweetest guy. But obviously this is something that makes my blood boil and lately every time we see each other (which has been really rare because I'm very angry with him because of his friendship with R) we get into these screaming matches about the whole thing and I end crying and he ends up walking away.
Our latest blow up happened this past weekend when we went out to celebrate my birthday which is tomorrow. We were drinking and I forget how the topic of R even came up but it did and so it started again. My friend went on about how R was "his boy" and how he's always been there for him in instances where I have not. Last year my friend had a drug problem that R apparently helped him through. I said that wasn't fair because I didn't even know about the drug problem because he was lying to me about it (as most addicts do). And besides, R was the one that got him hooked on cocaine in the first place (like I said, R's a real winner). The fight escalated from there. I yelled about how it didn't matter. R raped me and if my friend cared he would stop talking to him or at least act like he gave a shit. But the fact that he always talked about how great R was felt like a slap in the face. My friend went on to say that he wasn't there that night that it happened so he doesn't know who to believe because I guess R has told him a different story. So I said that he was basically saying I was lying about being raped and that really hurt. That's I think when I started crying. I'm not sure.
Anyway, I was drunk so I don't remember it all. But it sucked. The whole thing sucks. This guy is one of my oldest friends but I can't stand this. What am I supposed to do? I feel like lately he's just getting annoyed with how much I talk about the rape (I actually feel like that's happening with a few of my friends), but like I said, since I've been back it's been on my mind more and I just feel the need to talk about it. I've never talked to a therapist about the whole thing which is probably something I should do but I don't have the money for that at the moment (or the time to be honest). I think he thinks I'm doing it sometimes for attention. God, I'd do anything to never have this kind of attention, trust me! But what kind of person is friends with their friend's rapist?!?!
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Man, that sucks. My advice is to dump any friends who won't take your rape seriously, and find some new friends.
I had a friend group splinter over something like that once. In the end, I just cut myself off from a large chunk of them and am much happier about it. Its not worth being friends with people you can't trust.
I'm late to the comments, but I completely agree with this. I was in almost your exact situation a few years ago. Once you cut this person out of your life you will be much happier. Only surround yourself with people that support you.
I agree with Kitty, just dump your friend if he's such a pig that he won't take your rape seriously. Honestly, men like that are pieces of shit. You'll get over leaving him be, trust me.
I agree. Lying to himself and saying her rape was made up is revolting and shows that no matter what 'R' will always be seen by him as a ally. He's chooseing 'R' over her and no matter what I think this guy is unhealthy and shouldnt have the privilege and benefit of being considered her friend. Drop the two asshats.
Typo: I meant drop the asshat. Two was supposed to be 'the.'
I don't know. I have a friend who was assaulted by a friend and she still hangs out with him, still counts him as one of her closest friends, while I can't stand the manipulative ass. I don't understand why people blindly choose to stay with some people. Insecurity, I guess, that they'll never find someone as "accepting" of them. I don't know.
I wish I could help, but I agree with MissKitty - dump the guy who would think you'd lie over something so serious. Friends should be able to trust each other.
Yeah, either he thinks you're lying, or he knows this guy raped you and doesn't mind. Either way, it doesn't matter how long you've known him or how nice he is the rest of the time, he's not being a good friend to you.
I've seen people stay friends with bad people like that just because they were around all the time (same major, same dorm, same group of mutual friends, or whatever) and they didn't seem to have the strength of will to do anything about it. Instead, dump the friends that won't take you seriously, and find some new friends. Join some clubs, take some classes, do activities you're interested in and meet a new group of people. You don't have to stay friends with people from high school, I'd wager most people don't.
What gets me is this guy is the one who told her what R did to the other girl, and yet he's still sticking his head in the sand and insisting it couldn't be true. In my opinion, this "friend" knows damn well what kind of a person he's defending, whether he admits it or not.
Exactly. He's rather risk alienating and offending his friend by using the cover of a lie simply so that he can have his denial convenienced about what had actually happened and not be bothered by the reality that he's friends with a rapist.
One of the things that I was most excited about when I graduated from high school was that I didn't have to hang around with my "friends" any more. Most of them were awful people that I didn't like, but since we were in the same clique, I felt I had to put up with them or face high school alone.
When I moved away, I made it a point to only hang out with people I actually liked. And by that, I mean that I liked them 100% of the time. They made me a happier, better person who felt good about being myself. If anyone now makes me feel the slightest bit shameful or less of a person, that's it, they're out of my life for good.
There are people out there, especially in Chicago (where I've met some of the best people in my life), who will love you for being you. They will believe you and not judge or blame you for bad things that have happened to you.
I understand that you feel loyalty to your group of friends from high school. But it's not worth it put yourself through so much pain to hang out with these "friends." And your "friend" may be a sweet guy, but he's really good friends with a rapist, the person who raped YOU, so if I was you, I'd rethink what I found "sweet" in a person.
You have to look out for yourself first and foremost in this world. Be friends to those who are friends to you. Disassociate from those who would harm you, even if they don't quite realize that they're doing it, yet still persist after you've told them your feelings. If this means you have to pull yourself from a group of friends, it may hurt, but it will hurt so much less than staying.
Good luck to you. Be kind to yourself. Find others who will also be kind to you. Those people exist and you'd be a wonderful friend for them.
What a difficult situation! Just for validation: Considering your return to the area where he raped you, it's completely understandable that all of this is coming up for you again. I recently moved back to my college town, where I was raped, and I find myself crying and talking about it a lot more, too. Especially when I've been drinking.
That being said, it sounds like your friend has some serious cognitive dissonance going on. He's trying to reconcile what he knows R did to you with what he knows R did for him. Unfortunately, it's easier for him to discount or minimize your experience. It's hard for most people to believe that their friend could have raped someone, but I feel like if he was a true friend to YOU he would, at the very least, validate your experience and have a conversation about why he can't or won't end his friendship with R. This is about him, not you. Then, at least, you'd have something to base your decision on.
If you feel like you could benefit from talking to someone, I would suggest contacting a sexual assault crisis center. Their services are generally free and confidential, and the counselors are trained to deal with the complexities of rape.
I know this is going to sound cheesy, but I feel like it's important to say some things. You're not alone. Someone did something terrible to you and it's normal to be affected long-term, if not permanently, in various ways. And I'm impressed that you have the courage to talk about what happened and how it's affecting you.
Echoing the sentiments already posted above; this guy has pretty much proven that he is not really your friend, so I would cut him loose. Delete his number from your contact list and don't take any calls from him. He may have seemed like a friend to you in the past, but the fact that he can know what happened to you, and not only that but know that he's done it to someone else as well (which to me pretty much negates his lame excuse that he "doesn't know who to believe"), and he still wants to stick up for this guy...to me, that says something very negative about his character.
You are better off without such toxic people in your life, and you deserve a better friend.
I think you need to dump your "friend." He's abyssmal.
I think you're going to have to cut your friend out of your life. You keep trying to make him choose you, but he's clearly chosen R. And while it might hurt to do so, given that you've known him for so long, he doesn't sound like he's a good person to have in your life.
Also, if you could make the time, there are free resources for counseling in Chicago, if you want them:
Try thr YWCA: http://www.ywca.org/site/pp.asp?c=euLRI7OZH&b=177298
or Rape Victim Advocates: http://www.rapevictimadvocates.org/
Your mental health is pretty important and it sounds like being home has put you in a bad headspace. In my personal experience, going home after a long time away can be like mental and emotional time travel and can put you right back where you were before you left.
I think you would benefit from looking up the word ‘friend’ in the dictionary because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t mean any of the things you have described about this person so far. I’m sorry all of this happened to you. I also hate to be the one to tell you that this ‘friend’ of yours is nothing of the kind. Not even close. I realize that it is natural to try to remember people as they once were and to project those expectations onto how we want them to be now. But this ‘friend’ has failed you. It isn’t your job to make him believe you. As for him having to choose, he shouldn’t have to. You should make that decision for him and close the door on what is now a very toxic relationship based on feelings of betrayal which are traumatizing you all over again. Good luck and remember: your experience is not at the mercy of anyone else’s argument.
As above, this guy is not your friend. But there are many people in this world worthy of that name, and you'll find more of them!
Why did you move back to Chicago? If you don't have some super-compelling reason to stay (a job, a romantic partner, finances) then you might consider living someplace else. I know that in this economy, picking up and moving is a serious proposition, but if you have any other options you might consider it. If you moved back to Chicago because that's where your friends from High School are, you might consider shacking up with some college friends instead.
I agree with people who say to ditch the guy. He is not your friend. Real friends don't question whether or not you were raped, and they don't hang out with your douchebag rapist.
The reason I moved back here was because I was leaving a horrible romantic entanglement in DC. I loved DC and wanted to stay there but frankly it was too expensive and if I stayed the romantic situation would've just gotten worse (but that's a topic for a different post). So I moved back to my hometown because my family is here and I love them dearly. They are super supportive of me and I just wanted to be closer physically to them. I don't plan on staying here forever, probably just a few more years at most until I go back to grad school, but right now I have a job I actually like and I get to see my parents and brother once a week. My best friend of 15 years also lives here so he was a big factor. But no, my high school friends did not factor at all into the decision. Also I love the city itself.
Chicago's plenty big enough that you can live there and not see these particular "friends" from high school. If I were you I'd tell them exactly why I was dumping them and then follow through on it. But I suppose some people might prefer a freeze-out with no explicit notice given.
Seriously, if you're afraid of not making new friends, the best way to do that is to dump these friends and join some other activities. It might suck for a couple months but not worse than hanging out with this guy. Join some clubs for stuff you like, etc-- you can meet new people.
Okay, I do appreciate everyone just saying "stop hanging out with these people and make new friends." but it is seriously hard for me. I suffer from severe depression at times and I hardly even hang out with these people at all. Sorry if my OP didn't make that clear. I hardly see these people. I mostly hang out with people from work. This past month was the first time I saw my high school friends in about 5 months.
And I can't just join a club and meet people. That would take me months to even get the courage to join the freaking club.
And I'm not going to announce to all my friends that I can't be friends with this one guy because he won't believe my rape. They don't know about my rape and I'm not ready to broadcast it to the world.
Wow. Thanks for all the responses so far everyone.
I know I need to just move on from this guy and stop talking to him. But as much as I know that it's easier said than done obviously. We have a very complicated past and he was one of the first people that I told about the rape that was really there for me (before he knew who it was of course). Mostly it just confuses and upsets me. How can someone who supposedly cares about me so much be saying these things and friends with this fucking asshole? It's just beyond me.
And my group of friends here in Chicago is very small. I don't make friends easily because I'm pretty shy. I've made a total of one new friend since I moved back here a year and a half ago.
And I know the way it would have to work if I decided to stop being friends with him. I would have to remove myself from the group because everyone else would still hang out with him (the others don't know the situation). So that would leave me incredibly lonely, and I'm already pretty lonely.
Argh! I love Chicago, just not all this stupid crap that comes with the place I call home.
I bet part of the reason that you're not making new friends is because you're spending so much time with the old ones.
Chicago has many great opportunities for meeting new people. I'd recommend joining a club or community of people with similar interests. For me, I made some of the best friends I've ever had when I joined up a recreational soccer league. I'm shy too, but it's possible to put yourself out there and meet new people.
And there's my favorite quote: "I'd rather be lonely than miserable." Your friend is making you hurt. Being around him is making you miserable. If your other friends are worth the label "friend," they'll find ways to hang out with you without him around. If they turn their backs on you, they aren't worthy of being your friend.
Being lonely sucks, but it was the way I figured out how to really enjoy my own company and how I recognized true friends when they came along: they liked the same things about me that I liked about myself. Being lonely is worth it much of the time. I'm so happy now, a few years down the road, that it completely makes up for any sad feelings that may have come about when I felt truly lonely (which was pretty rare since I kept myself so busy).
Making new friends is haaarrd when you're not in school. I am only moderately shy and I made friends very easily in High School and college, but since graduating and moving to a city where I don't know so many people, I have had a lot of trouble.
So yeah, I can see why it would be hard to end your friendship with this group. Being alone is traumatizing.
Maybe if you can handle it, you should try and find a new support group before you break off contact with your old network? Depending on how triggering hanging out with them is, this could be a good idea or a terrible one. If you can find a few good people to keep on reserve, the jump from the old group to the new group won't be so scary.
This will work best if you can limit your contact with the douchebag and R. Use the old group as a base. Pull back emotionally, but keep your social life active with things like going to see movies or whatever it is that you do. If you at least have ongoing social contact with them, finding new friends won't seem as intimidating, because it won't be like "I have to make it work with this person, or I'll still be alone."
However, you gotta put pressure on yourself. Give yourself a deadline. New friends by May or June at the very latest. I have had success answering "strictly platonic" w4w ads on craigslist, and I know people who have found friends using websites like OKcupid. Also, hobbies are a great way of making friends. I'm a huge geek, so hanging out at gaming stores and comic books stores works for me. If you do anything--dance, martial arts, writing, activism--throwing yourself into that will not only introduce you to people, it will also give you something to do with yourself when you're alone. Meetup.com is good for this.
you might like this:
http://www.meetup.com/Chicago-Feminists/
Also, does Feministing ever do a Happy Hour in Chicago? I don't know how you would feel about breaking the whole "online anonymous" thing, but it seems like people from feministing would probably be pretty good friends.
I don't mean to bombard you with advice. Sometimes that can be off-putting, like "stop telling me what to do! I just wanted an e-hug!" I am just putting this all out there because it is stuff I have been figuring out while I try to make friends and battle loneliness.
I know it is way easier said than done for people to just be like "ditch those losers! Make some new friends!"
Sure, we can tell you that, because we don't have to venture up the courage to do it, and that shit is HARD.
You're not alone.
Hmm. Yeah. While I was typing, some more people commented and mentioned that spending time with your high school friends could be keeping you from making new friends.
They're right. It could be. It sounds like if you break it off with them now you won't be comepletely alone. You'll have your best friend of 15 years, your parents, and your brother. That does change things. I was thinking that this group of friends was the only thing you have.
One good friend, one best friend, makes a difference. That'll probably get you by. I think maybe you should just break off with this group now. I take back my "find new friends first" advice. You still need to follow a deadline, though. Really try to get something moving quickly.
Yeah, its tough to make friends when you're not in school. That's why my main advice is take some classes, join some clubs-- school-type activities. You can take some fun classes in art or music or kickboxing or whatever you're interested in, or take some classes in any subject at a local community college. Join a book club, a dance class, a knitting group, a science club, whatever you find interesting but sign up for some classes and organizations, get out of the house an away from your lame "friends."
Also, announce to your close and trusted friends and family that you're looking for new activities and new friends. Hopefully they can invite you along to stuff they do with their other friends.
Great advice!
I would be worried that someone so capable of overlooking a friend's commission of rape is also capable of rape himself. He obviously doesn't think that rape is a big deal. I know its hard to walk away from old friendships, but this one is not worth it. R and this guy are dangerous or potentially dangerous, not to mention bad friends.
That's a very good point.
I'm so sorry to hear that your "friend" is such a fuckhead. Hopefully you will be able to cut ties without too much difficulty, but I know it can be hard. :( Losing a group of friends is very painful, even when you know it needs to be done. Finding new ones is even harder. But I promise, it will eventually prove to be worth it. You deserve better.
I'm sorry, but if you met this "friend" you'd know how ridiculous that idea is. He could never actually physically harm anyone and his interest in the opposite sex is...nonexistent at best. He might have turned into a douche in many many ways, but that's not one of them. But I can see how in many cases that logic would make sense.
You do need to cut that friend out of your life. And don't heap any guilt, or shame or bad feelings onto yourself about it. It's obvious you can't educate him so leave him be.
Sometimes it is easier to keep a relationship going because you are so used to a certain type of discomfort or familiar abuse. But in the end, you deserve better, and you should free yourself from a relationship withs someone who would rather adhere to the "bros before hoes" philosophy than stand up for a friend who needs someone on their side.
I'm so sorry. That is horrible.
This man is not your friend.
Go get help. Find a counselor. It's hard, I know it's hard. But do it for yourself. You deserve help. You deserve not to break down in tears.
You deserve to be happy. Nice men do not befriend rapists. Get him out of your life.
I had the same issue last year. TONS of people (all my friends except my best friend) supported my rapist over me, telling me all sorts of bullshit and even harassing me with phone calls and telling me to kill myself.
A "friend" didn't see my rapist stalking me as creepy or scary. He didn't care. It's notable that he also had assaulted me in middle school but I had still considered him a friend because all the other people in that group had molested me/laughed at me trying to get away from him. Lesson? Don't hang around with people like that. Seriously, you can find so much better. I was shy and hardly talked to anyone at the beginning of the year, since I'm still in the same place and school I was raped/stalked at. I have PTSD from all the crap my ex did to me over two years, so I cry a lot at school. And, surprisingly, people cared and understood. The basic idea I'm trying to get across don't hold back and any person who can't handle that you're hurt from being raped is an ass who doesn't deserve your time. It helped me to join an online community too (pandys) to counter the self-blame I had and figure out issues I didn't even have from my rapes.
Also, this is an individual thing/some people will probably disagree with me on it, but it helped me a lot to yell at those friends and remind them they're the reason women are raped-because people would rather be friends with the fake-nice rapist than do the right thing, because they're weak and/or sociopathic. Only in real life I swore a lot. I cried after too, and felt semi-guilty for yelling, but after cutting them out..I have to say I've never been happier. People like that are the reason rape happens, whether their man or the woman. Most rapists wouldn't rape without the rationalizations of friends, society, and even victims.
Sorry if I came off too strong/incoherent, I still have to see the ex-friends who support my rapist at school and I only got away from my rapist last year (after 2 years of abuse), so it's still a REALLY open wound for me. If it would help at all, I could give you my email or messenger. You're not alone in this.
Oh wow. That sounds like hell! I hope you will be finished at that school soon? You are very brave and strong. Congratulations on yelling at those people. You're so right.
Wow Tokidoki, that is a horrible story. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with that.
I'm a little late to this, but I agree with everyone else who said that this guy is a terrible "friend".
So what if you end up alone after ditching these friends? I'd rather live alone in a cave for the rest of my life than have to put up with "friends" like the guy you describe.
Though I'm sure you won't end up a hermit. :) There's tons of people you could befriend: coworkers, your siblings/cousins friends, neighbours, etc.
Okay, I just wanted to make this part clear because it seems many of you are confused about one thing. I rarely see these people. I'm sorry if that wasn't clear in my OP. Until this past month I hadn't seen anyone in this high school group for about 5 months. I mostly hang out with my co-workers or just my best friends. So no, the reason that I'm not making new friends has nothing to do with the old group.
Frankly, I don't think your "friend" sounds like a good person to have around.
He's a cokehead who hangs out with a rapist. I think he probably just seems sweet because he's a good manipulator. He doesn't really act like he cares about you.
Chicago is a big place, but I know it can be hard to make new friends anyway. Frankly, you just have to put in the work and learn to grow.
Maybe there's groups or interest groups you can join. Maybe this is a good place to start: http://www.meetup.com/Chicago-Feminists/fla
This is definitely tough, and I can totally understand why you are so frustrated. It sounds like (unsurprisingly) moving back to a familiar place has brought up some emotions for you, which can be wicked hard to process on your own. My situations in life have varied a bit from yours, but I think I can relate.
It's even harder when people from your past have changed, and not in positive or healthy ways. It sounds like your friend was once a very good friend, but somehow along the way he shifted into a whole different mindset. That's also hard. I know I already said that but it can be hard to accept that the people that we know and love can lose such great amounts of generosity. To be dealing with two forms of the past sounds really difficult.
Some of the posters before me have recommended free services you can contact -- that sounds like something you might want to investigate/take advantage of. You should never feel like you are talking too much about your feelings, or else you run the risk of 'annoying' people. This actually was what struck me the most in your post. As you said, that sucks.
As for your friend, you have every right to be frustrated. It doesn't sound like he is receptive to your feelings anymore. Who knows, he might have a cathartic moment and realize how unsupportive he's being and apologize. But right now, it seems like he's just adding to your stress level, even without being a major actor in your life. If you're not seeing him regularly I would continue that...again, it's hard, but you may want to consider just letting him slowly drift out of your life. You don't have to dramatically cut him out, if that's not your style (I can relate). You can move on at your own speed.
Whoops - to clarify one of those sentences: You should never feel like you are talking too much about your feelings. You should not feel as you are running the risk of annoying people.
The repetitiveness strikes as midnight approaches where I live...
Why did you have to move back?
People seem unanimous about dumping this friend... which I understand will be hard because you have a limited social circle, anyway.
Maybe you can be more proactive about what kind of activities you arrange with high school friends -- perhaps coffee or movies one-on-one -- so you can exclude this guy who is upsetting you while still maintaining your other connections with the group. That way you won't have to deal with this individual or with explaining to the others why you are avoiding him.
It is hard to make friends when you aren't in school. I'd suggest trying to find an outside activity which will put you into contact with new people. Have you looked at community colleges or art centers for interesting courses (like in pottery-making or something crafty)? How about joining an amateur theatre company -- theatre groups often forge tight friendships. Or you could join the YMCA and attend a class religiously. You might get to know the other regulars, and even if you don't become friends, you'll feel a sense of community and have something to do regularly, like a hobby.
I do not sympathize with your 'friend' in this situation, because in my opinion rape is beyond the pale and should NOT be tolerated. At the same time, I have a dear friend who went through a very rough breakup years ago. I am sure he was a royal ass and behaved very badly, and he lost all his friends over it except for me. I stuck with him not because I thought he was innocent, but because of all my friends he was the only one who stood by me when I was depressed and in trouble. This friend isn't going to choose you. He has too large a debt to/investment in R, whether it seems logical to you or not.
I understand and agree with everyone's advice. And I appreciate it a lot.
I'm sorry if the other day I came off as somewhat defensive. It's a hard topic for me to talk about because while this "friend" is now a royal tool he was once a really close friend. And it's hard to totally accept that that has changed. I still don't like to hear him being attacked (like when someone called him a cokehead, which isn't true because he no longer does drugs and I don't think it's helpful to classify someone with an addiction that way anyway but whatever, that's a different discussion) because deep down I still think of him as I did all those years ago.
I know I will have to move on from this friend and I think that's what I have been doing for the past year, just very slowly. I don't know if I'm ready to do the clean break out of my life yet and I think that's alright. I think a slow ease out is okay too. I mean, the last time I spoke to him was 5 months ago. So now maybe the next time will be in 10 months, then over a year, then maybe we won't be speaking at all. Is it the perfect solution? Probably not but it's what I think I can handle right now.
I guess what just really throws me for a loop in this whole situation is how someone you thought you knew so well could change so much.
After reading your original and now replies to the comments, I have to say that it appears to me that you actually desperately need the professional help you shun. There are always resources available - and you are honestly just making excuses by saying you can't afford it and don't have time. You have time to hang out with tools and allow them to make you feel bad about yourself - repalce that time with something constructive, rare though you claim it is. Seriously, I think you really need to talk to some form of therapist, and I think you really need to start immediately.
"Avoiding the phrase 'I don’t have time...,' will soon help you to realize that you do have the time needed for just about anything you choose to accomplish in life."