Last night I was waiting in line at the pharmacy (to spend my $75 on prescriptions related to my female reproductive system) when I catch a glimpse of the cover of Cosmo: "Do this one thing on date #1 and he's your's." I couldn't resist, I just had to see what this "one thing" was. I expected to be offended and horrified, but I just had to see.
Well, it wasn't one thing, it was six. And they weren't six things "to do" they were six things NOT to do. The article was written by a man, of course, though given that it was Cosmo I wouldn't expect anything better from a women. I don't think I remember all of them, but here are the points I found particularly offensive:
1) You are dressing for a guy, not a girl, so always wear heels, never wear flats. Never wear a loose dress, always wear tight jeans.
2) Don't talk too much I: Girls tell boring stories.
3) Don't talk too much II: Coming from a woman, mentioning something like how busy you've been at work sounds like complaining.
4) Don't talk too much III: a guy will talk a lot because he wants you to feel close enough to him that you'll have sex with him. But if a woman shares too much information, it makes you seem clingy and needy.
5) Don't ever text or email him unless you've already had sex. If you haven't had sex yet, he'll lose the thrill of the chase if you make yourself too available.
So girls, if you like that guy, just don't exist! Put on your ass-hugging jeans and heels, whether or not you like ass-hugging jeans and heels and shut the hell up! Nothing you've experienced is interesting to guy, and he sure as hell doesn't want to hear your complaining about your career! And dear lord, don't send that text- he'll realize you're too easy and probably think you're clingy as well!
Ha, I guess this is why I rarely get too far with guys. Oh well!
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Ugh. Why Oh WHY do these magazines KEEP REPEATING THE SAME BOGUS HETERONORMATIVE BULLSHIT ADVICE??????
I can't believe I used to read that shit when I was 14. And take it to heart. There should be an 18+ restriction on that crap, because in my experience those magazines were just as damaging on my self esteem and sense of well being as any of misogynistic, violent porn I happened to come across when I was too young to distinguish between reality and someone's hateful fantasy.
OK thats' my rant.
v.georgiades- I have friends in their 30s who still read this crap! no lie! I have one friend who keeps all the back issues!
I had a friend in college who read it, but mainly I think it was to clip out the photos of pretty male models to put on our Wall of Men (or whatever it was called. It had a snazzier name).
The worst, for me, is how these people assume that women use sex as a bargaining tool for a relationship (whatever that means) and are never, ever, simply out for a lay. Like, why would anyone want to be involved for more than a few hours with a man like those described in Cosmo, anyway?
elektra- I know! I've always gotten the advice that you never want to sleep with a guy too fast or else he won't hang around...but IMO, what is the point of even dating him if you're not sleeping with him? What if *I* don't feel like waiting around for sex?
"what is the point of even dating him if you're not sleeping with him"
Hear, hear! May more women get on the "sex is intrinsically important" bus ASAP!
Wait wait wait...I SHOULDN'T wear a dress? But what about that asshole loser that someone else in the community alerted me to saying that women were losing their femininity and needed to wear MORE dresses and LESS jeans? I'm so confused now, all these conflicting messages! How will I ever find a husband now?
well, llevinso, according to this article, baby doll dresses "make women look bigger than they are." You never EVER want to look bigger. I mean god, BIGGER. That would be horrible.
Point is you should just be quiet and listen to men. Nix that, actually; you should be reading their minds. So make sure to carry a handbag large enough to fit your crystal ball next time you hit the club.
I have had men tell me that I was "fascinating," so screw that whole not talking thing.
And I second elektra. If he's not interested in hearing me talk, chances are he'll bore the hell out of me, too, so he'd better be a great kisser if he wants me to spend any time with him at all.
As a woman, nothing kills my libido faster than being stuck on a date with a man who a) feels like he has to dissect my first-date wardrobe choices (I'm going to wear what makes me feel both sexy and comfortable, dammit), b) thinks I'm boring, c) thinks me sharing details of my work/interests/etc. = whiny/clingy/needy, and d) overanalyzes my manner of getting in touch with him to thank him for a lovely evening or to discuss a possible second date.
I had a subscription to that stupid magazine back in the day because I actually thought it was "progressive"...then one day I had an epiphany and purged it from my house.
I reached a point around 27 where I absolutely stopped caring if a guy over analyzes the fact that I sent him an email between dates and determines that I am "needy" and dying for a serious relationship. I know that I'm not needy and I know that I'm not dying for a serious relationship, so I don't really care what he thinks. If he's the type of person who does that, he can go f himself anyway. I honestly once had a guy I had been dating for 2 months actually break up with me BECAUSE I EMAILED HIM ONCE. He went off on a diatribe that I was too attached to him, that he didn't want a serious relationship, etc. The hilarious thing was that I emailed him because it had been a while since we hooked up and I wanted to get some!
Stories like this make me glad I'm not dating anymore...it's kind of funny, one of the factors my husband and I always attributed to the success of our relationship is that, by the time we met, we were both so sick and tired of heteronormative head games that we both adopted a "what you see is what you get, like it or leave me alone" approach.
For example, I introduced him to my entire extended family within the first month after we started dating because my family is (to be frank) completely nuts and I figured if they were going to scare him away, let it happen before I get too attached to him. I also told him flat-out that was why he was meeting them so soon...we still joke about it. He was similarly upfront about the issues in his life and history. In my opinion, it helped provide the basis for the straightforward, honest communication we've always enjoyed. Who cares that we broke every single dating rule ever made?
The advice is terrible, except his third point about not talking about how busy you are at work. Complaining about anything isn't attractive. However, he is dead wrong when he implies that men can complain about their jobs. It's just not fun conversation, regardless of who makes it.
Questioning?- why is saying you're busy at work necessarily a complaint? I like being busy at work, or I'm neutral about it and it's just something that's going on. The author's argument was that things come off as a complaint when WOMEN say them. His advice was to not go into details of your life, because whether or not you mean to, it sounds like you are complaining.
In my experience, saying you're "busy" is a complaint, bragging, or both. I've gone on dates where the person I'm with has gone on and on about how tough their job is. First, it may not be an interesting subject to the other person. I really don't want to know about your schedule as an accountant. Second, it can sound negative, like you don't enjoy your job. Negative isn't attractive. Third, it can come off as superior. Working 70 hours a week doesn't make you better than me.
If asked, go into detail about your job. But not before. I'm on a date to have fun, and if your job isn't any fun, I don't want to hear about it.
I agree its a complaint. Unless I'e said "so hows work going?" or something to that effect, I don't want to hear the "I hate my boss, I work too much, wahhhh"
I don't understand. Who would want to date a person that demands they remain silent, dress to a code and behave like prey?
Well according to the article all heterosexual women do, because this is what ALL men want to see on a first date...
Interestingly, the other night I was out at a bar and had a great conversation with a guy. About halfway through I realized he was married. Then I realized that this happens a lot- if I meet a man and have a very natural, engaging conversation, he will turn out to be married. I guess if it's not a sexual situation, guys will value you for person and don't care how you're dressed or what you say :).
ah, buggie! I can relate, maybe even offer a possible explanation.
As a guy, I find that I often have better conversations with women who are married, obviously dating someone, attracted to their own sex, or just not my type sexually. The reason? maybe sexual tension makes people nervous and neurotic?
(i'd probably still prefer to hold onto that "butterfly" feeling, though, even if it makes me stupid occasionally)
I wish I could round up the (largely women) editors and writers of these "Women's Magazines" and force them, under penalty of law, to sit through a reading of sample works of Simone de Beauvoir, Kate Shanley, Alice Walker, Audre Lorde, Nawal al Saadawi, and yes, even Linda Hirshman.
They would be allowed lengthy coffee-and-donut breaks to give them time to caucus and reflect on what a hash their bullshit magazines have made of so many American women's relationships, self-esteem, sexuality, and gender awareness.
Then it would be back to the seminar room for more readings.
Cosmo completely regurgitates the same old "Rules" style advice every few months. The worst one I ever saw was an article on when should you sleep with him. Not only did it say that women should withhold sex in order to have power over the man, but it also implied that women can't tell the difference between sex and love. So annoying.
If I ever go on a first date again I think I'll use this list as something to do instead of not to do. That way I'll be able to weed out insecure losers like this asshole author. Besides I've been told by many people, male and female, that I'm interesting to talk WITH (not just to). These articles also act like men are one dimensional beings only interested in sex. From what I've seen, guys have feelings to and also enjoy being with someone who is fun to do many things with, not just fuck. I hate Cosmo and the like. Blech.
Imagine women's reaction as this: that dating stuff sounds waaaaaayy too complicated. Guess I'll pass, never mind relationships, and just get bed buddies! All those women's magazines say not to be clingy. That's a good idea. I'll get a few different bed buds and alternate them, and only call when I'm horny, and will ignore them otherwise. Now that's a great plan!
Well, that's my reaction...
Well, this advice may help someone out there, but I'm looking to date a MAN who respects and relates to partners as ADULT HUMAN BEINGS not a piece of shit who gets scared and defensive when a woman speaks above a whisper.
So wait, how am I meant to attract xx again? cos you know, not everyone wants an xy in their lives....
3) Don't talk too much II: Coming from a woman, mentioning something like how busy you've been at work sounds like complaining.
That's just the most bullshit one though. i'll be sure to tell all my guy friends not to talk about their work too much, lest it be complaining as well. oh wait. no. only women complain.
what is this fuckery. honestly.
Well, according to Cosmo, lesbians don't exist.
Jeez, I thought you were just interpreting the article to mean like that, but no, the idiot actually wrote all that crap.
Times like these makes me wonder if guys are actually the ones who like to talk a lot more than they want to admit but make excuses like they want to get laid and want to make a girl comfortable. I say this because I just notice a lot of "Shut up women, you talk too much, let the men talk."
Anyway, if a guy talks a lot about his life and doesn't show that much interest when I'm talking about mine, I'm not tricked into believing he wants to make me comfortable, I find him boring, and therefore probably wouldn't want to date/talk to him again anyway.
Final note: If you don't like women sending text messages after the first few dates because it ruins the "thrill of the chase" guess what? I'm not an animal (surprise!) so get yourself a video game where you can have the thrill of the chase shooting down aliens as much as you want (by yourself).
They should add this to the rule about wearing heels
"if you are taller than 5'9", wear flats,lest he gets insecure about his height,which would be your fault.
The heels and clothing thing is always hilarious though, because I've read these things in the past that say you should never wear heels lest you look like you're trying too hard! I love how everything a woman wears is supposed to be a symbol of something she's thinking. How about the shoes you wear say, "I like these shoes, theses shoes are comfortable, these shoes match my outfit, these shoes are what I effing felt like wearing today."
Complaining about anything isn't attractive. However, he is dead wrong when he implies that men can complain about their jobs. It's just not fun conversation, regardless of who makes it.