I think women are in a Catch-22 situation most of the time, with respect to our sexual autonomy.
Women alone seem to experience the worst type of unwanted attention from men.
When we are cautious or worried about getting the wrong kind of attention, we are labeled as "paranoid", "cold and unfriendly", "snobs", or perhaps "uncooperative" / "insubordinate" / "having a bad attitude".
In some cases, our caution can cost us jobs, promotions or access to services. But if we let our guard down to be sociable, and then we get unwanted attention, we were "asking for it" or "the guy couldn't have known" we didn't want him doing x, y or z. After all, we're alone, so we're "available", like a vacant apartment or a rental car.
The default is always "it's your fault and your responsibility". Single men seem to encounter this type of eggshell far less frequently. It's unbelievably frustrating to be a single woman living alone sometimes. It's tough to "get it right". It's like we're getting the message that the only way to be "truly safe" is get a boyfriend or a husband, and therefore lose all autonomy. That sucks.
(I put "truly safe" in quotation marks because obviously, married women and ones with boyfriends have the same problems. It's just worse when you're single, according to stats I've seen).
According to a online document published by the Canadian Association of Sexual Assault Centres, "Women report that between 65% and 75% of the men who attacked them were acquaintances who endanger women by using the woman's sociability against her. "
So what is our solution? We have to be constant bitches, all the time?
Oh, sorry, I forgot: I'm supposed to have a crystal-ball, or an "asshole detector" built into my head.
Seems the only way we're going to be safe is to lose jobs, services and good will, just so we won't get molested.
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Ahhh, the beauty of sexism. It’s like the hands of time are whizzing backwards so quickly they are giving me a delightful breeze. Yeah, right. The power of any ISM is the catch 22 any member of the group finds themselves in. For women it goes like this: if a strange man says ” Hi!” And you don’t say hello back or if you respond in a cool or distant way, you are a ‘stuck up bitch’, ‘uppity’, ‘too big for your britches’….in other words you need to be brought down a notch or two. If you respond warmly, you are inviting sex, leading him on, flirting, etc. So, whatever the man decides to do you are somehow the cause because no matter what you did someone would find a way to find fault with it. So, I say go ahead and be a bitch….what have you got to lose? Although no doubt some idiot will find that a turn on,too and you’ll be back at square one.
Yep, and if you're not warm and friendly you're still totally available - just playing hard to get!
I'm not sure I follow your line of thought regarding the loss of "jobs, services and good will." You write about personal safety and how a woman is perceived and treated--sure, I get that. But how does this "woman alone" rationale apply to jobs, services, and good will? Expound, please.
One word: networking. Networking involves being sociable, or friendly. Being friendly is a way to oil the wheels of commerce and employability. When your friendliness puts you at risk of unwanted attention, and lack of friendliness puts you at risk for male resentment and withdrawal of good will, it affects your sccio-economic prospects.
The way women are perceived and treated puts the onus on us to distinguish between fine gradations of sociability and to take the blame when any one of these is "too much" or might be perceived as some sort of invitation.
I'm really glad to come across your post (not glad it's happening, but glad I can relate).
A couple of weeks ago when I was at a bar, a man I did not know decided that in a group of friends he would share my chair with me. He then proceeded to put his arm around me and at one point tried to interlock his fingers in mine. When he proceeded even closer, I asked him to please move to the next chair, because he was invading my personal space. When he refused, I immediately got up and left the table. I then found my fiance... it wasn't my fiance's fault for not being next to me... no, instead... the other people at the table blamed me when I came back.
After the idiot had left the table, I told them that I was very uncomfortable by their "friend's" unwanted physical contact and closeness. These other men responded with, "Well you should have been more assertive that you were engaged." The other said, "You were being too flirty, it wasn't his fault."
I was incredulous. The next time I saw one of the guys (not the harasser) I told him I didn't like his response, and he said, "Well, the guy was wasted, what do you expect?"
UHM, even for a single woman... or any woman... even if he had known me, this is not appropriate contact! I don't care if you are wasted drunk, someone should step into the situation.
This seriously bugged me for days and days. I felt personally violated and completely powerless. I debated writing a post about it but I've since dealt with it and gotten over it. But again, thanks for you post and bringing up some great points.
I re-read this and realized that I made it seem like it WAS my fiance's fault for not being next to me, but I didn't end the statement with a period to prevent it from seeming like it connected to the next thought. Anyways.
Thanks for replying. Don't you absolutely hate it when "he was drunk" is some kind of excuse for a guy crossing the line?? So let me get this straight: it makes a guy *less* guilty when he's drunk, but when a woman does that, she's *guiltier* than if she was sober!! wtf????? The ultimate double standard. If a guy is drunk the message should be "don't be so goddamned irresponsible that you might upset people with your behaviour". Period. Let me think: drunk driving? Guillty!
Lest anyone think I'm equating women being drunk and getting raped with drunken men committing raping: not. A drunken rapist is committing a crime. Women victims are not. Huge difference.