I know it's beyond dead horse beating at this point (skeleton horse beating?), but this Chicago Tribune story on Chris and Rihanna, I feel, requires a different angle of attention:
Oprah Winfrey weighed in on the issue Thursday, featuring Tyra Banks and a video clip of Brown talking on a 2007 episode of the "Tyra Banks Show." On it, Brown said his mother was a domestic violence victim. It was so terrifying to grow up around it, he said: "I had the Bible under the pillow because I was scared." He said he treats women differently because he wouldn't want to put anyone else through that.
While this particular interview from Brown's past has already been given the thorough cultural foot-in-mouth treatment from nearly every news outlet imaginable, I think it helps to reinforce a theory I've been stewing on for a while now: you just can't seem to trust the guy who says he's "different."
Time and time again, it seems the old adage keeps proving itself infallible - actions do, indeed, speak louder than words. In the dating experience of myself and that of my friends, I've noticed a reoccuring pattern of slipperiness and deception from the guys who sell themselves into a relationship under the "I'm not like other guys" tagline. For example, the guy who claims he's "just a nice guy" is more likely to be emotionally immature and untrustworthy (speaking from personal experience); the guy who argues that sex isn't really as important to him as it is to other men is more likely to cheat (again, personal experience); and the jerk who debates his seedy reputation for using women to sate his ravenous ego with you, because, "it's been like that with others, but it's not like that with you" is, well, just a jerk in the end.(Still as yet to be concluded saga of a friend).
And, perhaps, as we've seen from this sad fall out of R&B superstardom, the guy who adamantly isn't a domestic abuser may in fact be just that.
Of course, there's absolutely nothing scientific to my hypothesis. This theory is not based on meticulous surveying or cultural studies, but rather exurbs from personal experiences and those of friends. However, I feel that, with human nature generally, if one feels the need to verbally express a supposed trait of his or her personally, rather than demonstrating through their actions, than probably, somewhere in the person's psyche, they know it to be an inate insecurity, worthy of cover-up.
Is there something in our culture that permits men to practice such malicious tactics of deception? Is it practiced by women, too? I'd be interested to hear personal accounts that either disprove or reinforce this idea.
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Oh yes. I think that when people tell you, "I am X" that they're really not.
I've dated guys who talked about how they're great boyfriends, they're great in bed, they're really, really smart, etc. etc. But they never did anything to show it.
The thing is, if you're really smart, you don't feel the need to TELL everyone. You're confident about it and you're just smart and don't need to one-up everyone to make yourself feel good.
Similarly, if you're a nice guy, if you're different from the idiots, if you're a really great boyfriend (or girlfriend), you don't have to TELL people - you just are.
I think I'm just repeating what you said, but yes!
I'm not sure whether it's malicious acts of deception - I always feel like these guys are trying to convince THEMSELVES more than anyone else that they're really all these things they say they are. Trying to keep their self-esteem up or something.
As for whether women do it too, probably. The sorts of relationships I have with women aren't romantic ones where they're trying to "sell" (for lack of a better word) themselves to me, so I haven't had reason to observe this in them. My gut is that it's a human trait, not a specifically male one.
I agree completely.
If somebody is a nice person they're not going to need to keep reminding you (and themselves) about it. They'd just be nice and everybody would know they were nice.
Women do it too. Everybody does it.
"I'm really not a mean person." is one I tell frequently.
It seems to me that when a girl says, "Oh, I'm not like that!" the guy is supposed to immediately lower all his defenses and trust her implicitly without question or hesitation.
But if a guy says "Oh, I'm not like that!", you ladies automatically assume he's a rapacious sexual predator waiting to to do UNSPEAKABLE things to you!
What if a girl asks him if he's "like all those other guys"? After all, feminism is supposed to encourage women being forthright and bold and in-your-face, so what if a girl takes the initiative and asks him right there on the spot?
What's he supposed to say?
"Are you just after me because of my body?"
What's he supposed to say?
If he says "yes" he loses the girl. If he's reluctant to answer or tries to dodge the question, that just makes him look more suspicious. Now you're advising the girls to run away if he says "no".
We guys can't win here!
Wow, no response from the peanut gallery to my comment. Big surprise there.
I definitely agree. If you are something, it is made obvious from your actions and what you say. You shouldn't have to say it.
Egregious examples from my life include:
First boyfriend who claimed to be independent, open-minded and accepting of me was possessive, clingy, and demanding of my time. Also, he claimed to be disgusted by the mere idea of anal play, but I proved him way, way wrong
Guy who I dated claimed to be as straight as they come is now happily with another man (but I bear no ill-will)
A one-time sex partner who claimed to be a spectacular and experienced lover actually bit my then-relatively-freshly pierced clitoral hood (owie.)
Woman who claimed that she was just in it for the sex with me later claimed that I was the one who got away (to be fair, I said the same thing to her and she was the one that got away to me, too)
Current boyfriend who said he was a one-partner kind of guy is now exploring his sexuality (with my enthusiastic consent and encouragement)
Male friend who calls himself a nice guy and a "rabid" feminist is a controlling and insecure asshole
Dare I go on?
Is there something in our culture that permits men to practice such malicious tactics of deception?
Besides the message that anything which helps them get the poon they deserve is ok? Nothing springs to mind.
I agree. "Nice Guy" syndrome is nothing short of obnoxious, and people do it all the time with all kinds of things. This is as old as Shakespeare.
"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."
I am going to make a special point about domestic violence now, and it is not because I disagree with the gist of your post.
Chris Brown is not a nice guy, but I think he meant it when he spoke against domestic violence in that interview. Let's not forget that he himself is a survivor of domestic abuse. I don't know whether or not his father ever abused him personally, but second-hand abuse still does a number on the kids who are forced to witness it.
Many people who are abused as children will swear that they won't be like the abusive parent. They may be filled with hate and rage at the person who hurt them. The last thing they want is to continue the cycle of abuse, and they will often sincerely believe that they are different. Unfortunately, witnessing abusive behavior as a child will teach you that behavior, and sometimes it is very hard to ignore everything you've been taught. Something like Domestic Violence is traumatic and impacts children deeply.
These people often really want to change. When they apologize to their partner, they mean it. They are sorry. The fact that their apology is manipulative doesn't make it insincere. The men and women who stay with abusive people often know that their partner wants to change. Rhianna isn't stupid. Chris probably said he was sorry, and he meant it, so she believed him. He probably said it wouldn't happen again, and she may want to help him change.
Unfortunately, the fact that a person wants to change doesn't mean that they can or will change. The sad truth is that men in his situation usually don't. With the help of support groups and therapy he might be able to control his behavior, but there will always be a risk of it happening again.
Now, I am not trying to excuse Chris's behavior at all. What he did is absolutely inexcusable and wrong. People who say that everyone should just forgive him and take it easy on him are wrong. He is completely responsible for his own behavior and he did not just accidentally assault his girlfriend. He chose to emulate his father, and he chose to stay with her after he hurt her the first time.
The situation with Chris and Rhianna is a good example of what you're saying about people who say they're different not being different. It is also an excellent example of the fact that it is not a good idea to stay in a relationship with the intention of changing or saving the other person. People do not make good projects.
I just wanted to point out that domestic violence is very complicated and I don't think Chris Brown was being deceptive when he said he wasn't a domestic abuser. He probably believed that all the more because of his past experiences. He probably believed that he was the last person on this earth who would ever hurt a woman. He was just wrong.
That's different from people saying something like "I'm nice" and "I'm good in bed" in order to puff up their image.
Those are all very good points.
This was exactly what I wanted to say, but better-written. Thank you.