About a year ago, an acquaintance from college raped me at a reunion. I filed charges, but as is sadly typical in cases of acquaintance rape, the authorities chose not to prosecute him. I've gone through a lot of anger, fear and a spectrum of other emotions that will be familiar to any victim of violent crime. Then, last weekend, I ran into him.
I work at a college that's in the same athletic conference as the one he and I attended, at this happened at an athletic event. Before, I went over the possibility that he would be there and decided that it was a long shot and not worth my anxiety. But now, there he was. First, I saw him from a distance. I flipped out and called my mom (one of the few family members who know about this). She told me that I probably wouldn't run into him, but even if I did, not to be afraid. "He doesn't have any power over you," she said. "You're the one with power over him."
We finally crossed paths in a hospitality suite, of all places. As soon as I saw him there with his family, I ran out. Sure, I had fantasies of heading back in and dumping a plate of shrimp salad on his head, but that wasn't going to happen. But still, something wouldn't let me leave. Deep down I knew that if I left without confronting him, I would regret it. So I sat there in the lobby - heart pounding, hands shaking - waiting for him to come out.
When he did, I called his name. He turned, and when he saw me - okay, it took me until then to realize that, along with my fear that he would come after me or hurt another woman, the main anxiety I had was this: did he even understand what it was that he'd done? Would he know me if he passed me on the street? Did it affect him even slightly as much as it affected me? Did it matter to him?
He did recognize me. Now here's the part that I can't get my head around. He could've kept walking; he could've screamed "stay the hell away from me, you crazy bitch!" But instead he came over to me, and the look on his face was sad, ashamed - and scared. That's right, he was scared of me, and scared of what I would say or do in front of his family and friends.
I said, "Do you remember me?" And he nodded. When I rehearsed this in my head, I'd been not quite screaming, but loud and firm, only now my voice was barely a whisper. "I just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten what happened," I said. Then he said, "I know, and I'm sorry." I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. I told him that I didn't think he was a bad person, but that when he drank as much as he did that night, he became something else. "Please, just please don't do that again to someone else," I said. He said that he wouldn't, apologized again, and then I left.
I was telling all this to another survivor, and she said she didn't think that she'd be strong enough to confront her abuser. I don't think strength has anything to do with it. I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have had the opportunity to confront my rapist in a relatively safe space, and especially to have him respond the way he did. Very few rape survivors will have that chance. It answered a lot of questions for me - namely, that I feel he's genuinely remorseful and (fingers crossed) will be less likely to get drunk and force himself on another woman. At least, it helps me to believe that.
I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Do I have justice? If one believes that justice is about restoring balance, than I have more than I'll ever get under the law, certainly. Do I forgive him? My religious tradition teaches me that forgiveness is more about the person doing the forgiveness than the person receiving it. Part of me healed when I heard him say "I'm sorry," and right now that's what I've got.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: The Heart of the Matter.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/12759
I think you're amazing. I could never do that, and you're so very brave to do so.
That sounds like it was a good experience for you to have. It sounds like you got a lot of closure. I'm curious, do you really think he's not a bad person?
I don't know, honestly...I think it's important for to believe that he's not evil, if only so I can stop worrying that he's going to rape someone else.
I didn't mean to imply he couldn't be; without knowing the details I couldn't say. I was just curious if you really thought that or if you just said it to make the encounter go more smoothly. But it sounds like he really was sorry-- a lot of guys would have responded in a much worse way.
Wow... what a powerful story. I hope the experience brings you the closure you need to heal.
I think that is a really beautiful story and it is great that you got to do that for yourself, it shows strength and will only make you stronger.
Actually something similar happened to me. In high school I was raped by a boyfriend after he had been drinking-- and it turned my world upside down. I was too afraid to tell anyone but my friends. I suffered through depression and anxiety, which my parents couldn't understand. Finally I graduated high school and I went off to college. I took some women studies classes, and got involved in take back the night as well as other campus activities. Those things were my saving grace. The first time I attended take back the night I was with my co-workers, I got so emotional that I had to leave, I was embarrassed to be so upset publically. It had been almost 3 years since he had done that to me, and i still couldn't function normally in a relationship. I knew I had to contact him. I was so scared to talk to him, but none the less I planned all of the horrible things I was going to say to him.(He lived out of state so face-to-face contace was impossible.) I texted him instead of calling,because I was hyperventilating and completely unstable. His phonenumber was permanently imprinted in my memory because of the misery i endured. I still know it to this day.
His reaction was suprising. He was overwhelmed fear, regret and pain. He apologized, which wasn't really all that meaningful to me, but it helped. He wanted me to turn him in. I didn't,(partly because there was no evidence from 3 years ago, and partly because i never wanted to see him again.) It helped me tremeandously to find he was damaged from the incident also. I am completely better today.
You are incredibly strong and brave to do what you did.
It's so good to hear these stories of recovery and healing. I know that alcohol is never an excuse for the actions of these men, but it's ... slightly reassuring to hear stories about repentance and regrets on their half. (My attacker still thinks I deserved what I got...)
Wow. You are so strong. I wish I had the courage to call my ex and ask if he realizes he raped me. More than once. I haven't because I know he won't admitt it and he'll be mean to me and then I'll feel worse. Your story is so inspriring, though. Maybe one day I will.
Thanks for all the words of support, everyone! Like I said, I'm still trying to make sense of all this. Your feedback really helps!
So I can't remember if you were the one I was having that discussion with about the whole George and Londregan thing (I think it's not up anymore?) but I just wanted to say that you are so very strong for doing what you did. I think you bring a powerful message to these boards and a reminder that while everyone will have their own way of dealing with the experience, what I know every victim believes and desires is for no other person to have to feel the way they did. It is awesome that telling your aggressor this up front is what has helped you the most. I think it becomes the responsibility of those who haven't had to go through such an experience to be as up front with every aggressor that we see in our daily lives, if only in solidarity and for with those who do not feel that they personally can face their aggressors in the same way. Hopefully, this community can help you in your healing process. *Hugs*
Your story is not only insperational, but beyond that it is a story of a women who survived, and was able to heal. I to confronted my rapist, it to years, but afterwords the healing in the family that had broken apart was finally able to happen. Please know your words help to heal others
Sue
wow.
just.
wow. i don't even know what to say to this kind of thing because this for me would fall under the category of "rejecting the apologies that will never come" but they did and i think that you are really brave to say that to him. i think its even more incredible that he (maybe) actually showed some remorse for what he did.
i'm really taken aback because the few times i have bumped into my assailants they didn't even remember who i was and (funnily, and by funnily i mean en ragingly) enough tried to pull a pick up line on me. which seemed like another fucking kick in the teeth.
even more kudos for you for resisting the temptation of dumping things on his head. if it was me. i probably would have done a lot more to them than that.
i have no idea where i was going with this because im just so taken aback