Last November, my sister was raped. My beautiful, sensitive, innocent, baby sister. Every single day I find myself fuming at whoever did this to her, and every single day, I find myself fuming at the people who covered it up. Everyone clammed up when questioned by police, said that they didn't know anything. I knew the people who threw the party, I called and asked them if they knew anything and why they weren't cooperating with the police. Again, silence from most.
But even more appalling, two WOMEN told me that she probably had consensual sex and regretted it in the morning. Another claimed that she watched them have consensual sex. It seems that everyone at the party knew who did this horrible thing to my sister - everyone except my sister that is. She will live her life not knowing who raped her, not because no one knows, but because these people, my fellow women, will not accept the fact that rape is not the fault of the woman. The police stopped investigating, and the hope that the rapist will be found and prosecuted is gone. I have had to stop myself 100 times from buying a plane ticket to go across the country and investigate for myself.
The woman that threw the party was my best friend growing up, and has also told me that my sister "instigated the incident". I have severed all ties with her and her family. But why has it been so hard? I have cut ties with a lot of people in my life, but she has been by far the hardest. She still tries to contact me, and every time I push "ignore" on my mobile a twinge of regret flows through me. This woman, my friend, has shattered not only my sister's world, but mine as well. So why has it been so hard to let her go?
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Why can't I let her go?.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/12476
I feel so sorry for you and your sister. Some of the biggest blows come when women don't support other women, even to the point of horrific incidents like rape. I really do think a lot of people are brainwashed. In fact, most oppressive regimes, like patriarchy, are successful in brainwashing those they oppress.
I really do hope you can help your sister, you probably are helping her just by being there. Even if you can't help this particular incident, perhaps you could do something indirect, like some kind of work with rape survivors and maybe rape prevention projects? It's tiny things that make the big difference. I really do feel for you in this situation.
Good for you for staying strong! No one should expect you to forgive for such a horrendous thing, least of all yourself. If someone aided and abetted in the hurting of my little sister, I wouldn't just ignore them, I would have to restrain myself from kicking their ass, regardless of any past relationship I may have had with them.
Friends don't let friends' little sisters get raped, and, more importantly, friends don't let rapists get away with raping friends' little sisters. As painful as it might be, you just might have discovered an untrue friend. If someone doesn't act like a friend to you, they aren't really a friend. It's hard, and you will struggle with it, but you're better off without these people in your life. Good luck, and please stay strong. There are support groups and therapists would can help you to deal with your emotional trauma.
I am really sorry about what happened to your sister. What happened is horrible, and the way everybody else at the party has handled the situation is beyond contempt. It sounds like you are being a great sister and I am very impressed at how well you have handled this situation and how strong you are being.
It is completely natural to have mixed feelings about this. Losing your best friend is a significant loss. It doesn't matter what happened to change the friendship; you're still losing a friend and that is hard, so go easy on yourself.
It's hard because this person was a big part of your life. You have lots of fond memories of times with her that were good when you were best friends, and you can't just make that go away because of what happened later with her.
Don't try. The friendship is over, and the good times are in the past now, but you don't need to disown your positive memories of this person. Keep them as what they are, and accept that things change and people change, and sometimes people who you care about do things that are beyond forgiveness.
You don't have to stop caring about her. You don't have to "get over her" really. You just have to accept that things are different now.
She is making it hard for you by trying to keep contacting you.
Think of this as a breakup. I have had to "dump" friends before. It is even more painful and messy than dumping a romantic partner, and there is usually less support and fewer accepted "methods" for doing it. Your whole network gets involved and decides that it is their business. This happens with romantic breakups too but it can be really bad when two friends have a falling out because people don't expect friends to break it off. Society doesn't really have a system for breaking up with friends besides just pulling away, and yet sometimes friendships turn sour and need to end faster than that.
If you are still trying to be polite, it is time to be blunt. Tell her it is over. Tell her you will not forgive her. Tell her that you will not respond to her attempts to contact you. Make it clear that she is harassing you at this point and she needs to stop because her attempts to mend your friendship are not welcome and will not work.
I know that sounds harsh. I am telling you that it might be a good idea to put on a stone face and show less regret than you feel.
Now, I am not telling you to end your relationship with your friend by the way. That is totally up to you. You could forgive her and I wouldn't judge you for it (and neither should anybody else, by the way, it's your life). I am giving you advice on how to break up with her because it sounds like that is what you're trying to do.
Good luck.
Maybe you or your sister can find the woman who says she saw what happened. Claim that you realize now that your sister made a mistake and the sex was consensual, but she has realized that she is pregnant and she needs t know who the father is to discuss options with him. Or something like that, just as a ploy to find out who he is. Bonus points if you tell her this guy might have an STD and then track her cell phone in some way after she leaves (I've been watching too much Veronica Mars).
I'm really not sure that's really in any way advisable considering how it's built on lies which could seriously injure any pressing criminal litigation if they come up.
I think, since she knows who was at the party, if her sister is ok with the idea, that they should pursue court orders on these people who know but won't tell based off of the poster's conversations with them. Perhaps she could get them charged with obstruction of justice.
Well, she made it sound like all legal avenues were exhausted. Obviously try legal avenues first, but if the police have given up I don't think you can get them as material witnesses or anything.
Maybe you could try the pregnancy lie without the consensuality lie, but I don't think it would have the right results. Maybe claiming there's a pregnancy for DNA testing would convince someone its not worth lying about it anymore.
I thought I posted this earlier, but it doesn't seem to be showing up. Just an idea based on watching too much Veronica Mars. What if you or your sister talked to the girl who says she saw what happened, and tell her that you've realized that your sister made a mistake and it was consensual, but now she's found out she's pregnant and so she needs to know who the guy is to discuss options. Or, that she has an STD and needs to tell him. Bonus points if you can figure out a way to track who she calls on her cell phone after that conversation.
And yeah, obviously you should use your own judgement about investigating it yourself. (Don't blame me if crazy plans from TV shows don't work). Perhaps hiring a private detective would be better, if you can afford it, since they would know what they're doing.
Personally, I'd want to know who it was even if the criminal case is a lost cause.
One more post, sorry for all the comments:
I have also had to break up with friends before. It can be very painful, but in this case you have a really really good reason. If you think this friend of yours was a decent person the whole time you were friends, you could try one last ditch effort to salvage the friendship by telling her there's no way you can trust her if she still won't tell you who was with your sister. If she can't understand how serious that is, you're well rid of her. But that doesn't make it easy. That kind of thing is never easy. There are people I haven't talked to in years, either because I had a really good reason for ditching them or becuase THEY stopped talking to me without explaining why, and sometimes I still wonder about them.
I do think that its important to let her know, if you haven't already, exactly why you'er freezing her out. I hate when people do that with no explanation. But it sounds like she knows the reason in this case.
Thank you all so much for your support. As a feminist, not only was it hard for me to realize what happened to my sister, but it was even worse to hear such awful things coming out of womens mouths. I hadn't considered the idea of a private investigator, which I am now looking into. I would do it myself, but I live across the country, so I need someone else to do it for me. I think I will contacting my former friend one more time to let her know exactly why I am shutting her out (even though she already knows, I feel I should be blunt about it), and that I would appreciate it if she no longer contacted me. And if for any reason I want to talk to her again, I will contact her. She not only betrayed me as a friend, but she betrayed me as a woman, which I consider even worse.
Thank you all again, I knew that I could get some support from the people here!