(Cross posted at Pam's House Blend )
As a bisexual woman I'm constantly finding myself having to negotiate the flood of prejudices, stereotypes, and restrictive expectations of others. It is difficult and overwhelming at times. Which is one reason why I rarely go to AfterEllen.com honestly - because every time I go there, I find things that range from problematic to outright offensive. I want to respond to the latest example. The title of the article is The Trouble with "Bisexual" and the author is "Senior Writer" Malinda Lo. The most problematic part is :
When I say that I am a lesbian, my ex-boyfriend — my first love, my first adult relationship — is erased from the picture. Yet if I say that I am bisexual, I feel like a liar, because I have only ever been in a straight relationship once.
Bisexuals are not Cheetos. We don't come with an expiration date. It's not like we go bad if we are not used in a timely fashion. I don't know where this idea came from, which I often see banded around in the lesbian and gay portions of our community, that if you haven't been actively dating both sexes concurrantly and very currently, we are not really bi.
That idea ties directly into that pernicious myth that there are no real bisexuals. See, there is this common wisdom that if you are a bisexual in an opposite sex relationship, you are straight. If you are a bisexual in a same sex relationship, you are gay or lesbian. Poof! See you don't have to deal with bisexuals being there because you can so easily erase us when it is conveniant! And worst of all, people like Malinda Lo will erase herself and her own experience because she has bought into this myth that she didn't score highly enough on the bi-detector quiz to truly deserve the label.
But there is no fucking quiz, no bar. None. Bisexual identity is not dependent on your notches on the bedpost. There is no threshold you must cross to become a 'real' bisexual as opposed to a fake one. None. None at all. Let me repeat that :
There is no threshold you must cross to be considered a real bisexual. You are not a Cheeto. Your bisexuality or right to identify as such never expires.
The part of this article that simultanously made me want to cry and smash something is where she said
The possibility of encountering biphobia, I will admit, has sometimes prevented me from telling my whole coming-out story. My friends and family all know about my ex-boyfriend, but as a nominally public persona on AfterEllen.com, I have resisted revealing this personal fact.To be blunt, I know how deeply distrust of bisexuals runs in the lesbian community.
That is just fucking sad. This woman, like so many others, regularly closets herself because she knows that she won't be accepted and respected for who she is. And it's not the straight community oppressing her, it is her own people who do this to her. Gay and lesbian people who know what it is like to be ground down by secrecy and shame and perpetrate that same terror on others. And make no mistake that it is terror and a form of emotional terrorism.
I would like to tell Malindo Lo about some of the bisexuals I have known.
My fiancee had only ever dated guys before she dated me. She had crushes on girls in retrospect, but always thought that she was straight. We have been together for almost five years and she identifies as bisexual.
One of my best friends has, in her entire life, dated three people. One was a girl and the relationship was brief and not sexual. She was president of her campus GLBT group, worked in a LGBT campus office, and recently had academic work on GLBT topics published. She has been with the same guy for two years and she identifies as bisexual.
A former co-worker's sister was in a long term relationship with a woman for 5 years and everyone at work knew. On the day after she told a coworker that she actually wasn't a lesbian but bisexual, she was fired. Her boss said she was fired for being bi. And because there are no laws against that in her state, she was SOL. She identied as bisexual.
In terms of my number of partners, I'm almost 50/50. I had two long term relationships with men, one with a woman. I had numerous shorter relationships with both men and women. I've been with the same woman for almost five years and I identify as bisexual.
One of our family friends is bi and has been married to a man for 15 years. She has never had a relationship with a woman, and she identifies as bisexual.
I knew a girl in college who was in the National Guard - in fact I met her in 2003 about a month before she deployed to Iraq. She had never dated or slept with any women, but she had to keep her sexual orientation secret or she would be discharged and loose her scholarship. She identified as bisexual.
One friend just got out of a 5 year relationship where she was married to a woman. Yesterday she asked out a guy for the first time since she was in high school. She identifies as bisexual.
An aquantence in college was in a serious but short relationship with one of the most powerful gay men on campus and when that relationship fizzled, he started dating women for the first time in his life. He identified as bisexual.
You know, the problem isn't with the term bisexual. The problem is with the greater gay and lesbian community. The problem is with straight researchers who say stupid things like
People always ask me if this research means everyone is bisexual. No, it doesn't. ...Fluidity represents a capacity to respond erotically in unexpected ways due to particular situations or relationships. It doesn't appear to be something a woman can control.
This researcher is saying that fluidity is different than bisexuality because bisexuality is expected and controllable? What the fuck?!? You know, bisexual coming out stories are remarkably similar to gay ones. I have yet to meet a bisexual who expected to be one or who choose to be one. I sure didn't expect it and I sure can't control it. Making me straight or gay would be the equivelant of reparative therapy and would be grossly emotionally damaging.
The end of this article is vauge and confusing. She doesn't take a stand for the word bisexual or even vow to defend it from people who treat it like shit. She just accepts that it is trouble and that people will make their own assumptions then tacks on some confusing bit about love. And that is the message that we get from a "Senior Writer" on a prominant queer website? I wonder if she would take the same blaise attitude about marriage rights or trans hate crimes. That it is troubling but we just need to accept the assumptions people make that gay marriage will cause the sky to fall and trans people are deceptive and bring violence on themselves ? But just to love them anyway? I'm sorry, but that is fucked.
The trouble isn't with the word bisexual, it is with the way people treat bisexuals. If Malinda Lo wants this magical fuzzy place with open hands, she needs to start joining hands with those of us who work all the fucking time to make that possible. Bisexuals have been fighting our erasure for years. She should use her platform on After Ellen to challenge the rampant and bitter biphobia that keeps most bisexuals I know away from the site, not just admit her secret fear of it. If she wants a better world, she should roll up her sleeves and help us make it.
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This is awesome. I identify as bisexual, and I didn't until I got into my current straight relationship, and I've only ever dated guys. Anytime I started to have a crush on a girl, I would quickly snuff it out because I was afraid of what everyone would think. I still am, and only a few people even know. I am afraid to tell anyone because I fear they will tell me that I am not simply because I have only dated guys.
The first crush I let myself have was actually 2 months ago when I developed a crush on my manager. I felt bad because I didn't want to like someone while in a serious relationship, but I let myself be okay with it because I had forced myself not to for so long.
Even here, I am afraid to come out as bi because I am afraid that people will say I have not faced the same struggles. I have not told anyone but 4 coworkers and my boyfriend and his cousin. And nobody has given me any lip about it, so I feel I must not be allowed to be part of the struggle. But I still feel the pain of fearing to be judged. I still fear the pain of people not accepting what I say I am. I may never date a woman, I may never kiss a woman, but I sure as Hell know that if I were single and not afraid of homophobic rejection, I would date any woman I wanted, just like how I would date any man that I have been able to being straight.
I have to comment on this sentence.
"Gay and lesbian people who know what it is like to be ground down by secrecy and shame and perpetrate that same terror on others."
This seems to be human nature. Minorities feel oppressed so they oppress another minority. I'm not condoning this behavior but you certainly do see a lot of minorities oppressing other minorities.
Thank you for this post. It says what I've been feeling for a while in a lot of ways.
I mean, no one questions straight or gay virgins (well, a social conservative crazy might question someone in the second group, but I digress), but if you're a woman who hasn't had a relationship or sex with women yet (or ever, if that's your choice), somehow, you're not sexually fluid?
I personally don't use the term "bi" unless I have to for some reason. I use "nonmonosexual" or "sexually fluid" because I don't believe in binary gender. Why is it so hard to understand that some people like other people regardless of what genitalia they happen to have? Everyone has a "type," and mine is specific, it just has nothing to do with having/lacking a vagina or penis.
I hate the idea (apparently surprising) that you can only be X sexuality if you've, you know, *tested* it. Think you're straight, but are a virgin? Fine! Think you're bi? Wait, but you haven't had sex with both men and women, so you can't be. Think you're asexual? If you haven't had sex yet you have no way to know!
...speaking of asexuality, could I point out that as one I tend to feel rather erased by the bisexual vs. monosexual distinction I've seen crop up? I don't think I'm monosexual - I'm definitely not attracted to one gender, after all - but I'm not bi/pan/etc. either and setting them up in opposition like doesn't leave any room for me. I understand why you may not want to use "bi", but "nonmonosexual" has its problems if you want to use it as a replacement term.
*apparently surprisingly common, that bit in the first line was supposed to be. Must reread my comments better.
Your first paragraph says it all for me.
I am queer, and I'm black. Technically, I am "bisexual," and my mother is Jamaican and my father is white. But that doesn't mean that my grandmother thinks I am only half a sinner, or the police treat me only half as bad. At some point, ones thoughts and feelings are unimportant compared to ones actions and treatment from others.
thanks for writing this and bringing attention to an important issue.
i personally identify as queer, since i don't believe in binary gender and would be up for a relationship with a man, woman, trans person, or someone who ids as genderqueer. it's cool to see other people who might have gone by 'bi' are also cognizant of that.
keep your heads held high, you all deserve to :)
I'm just tired of the incessant need to label :(
Thank you for this!
It was coming to terms with my bisexuality that directly led me to feminism- but not the way it usually happens, I think.
For a (relatively- I'm only 20) big developmental portion of my life, I was in a lesbian relationship and identified as completely lesbian. I'm sorry to say that for a fair amount of that time I didn't "believe" in bisexuality either. I was also out to my parents and my friends, who were all supportive and accepting and it was good!
Then I fell in love with a man.
And I had to "come out" again! Furthermore I felt like I had this responsibility to explain "no, but, seriously, I meant it about liking girls! I swear!"
It was a long, complicated road figuring out how I could be in a relationship with a man and still be my strong, independent self. Feeling ostracized from the lesbian community that meant so much to me made it worse, there was this .. gap. But, that gap had me searching, and that search found feminism, and I feel like a more whole person because of it. :)
Although, that said, I still don't really identify as bisexual. When I first started my straight relationship I insisted I was "lesbian except for this guy", now, I don't even know. I don't want a label. I love who I love.
Terrific, Sarah; thank you.
It annoys me to no end when people tell me that I've never had sex with a female, so I can't know that I'm not straight. Or, from the other side, that I haven't had sex with a male, so I may just be gay. I'm a "virgin" but I'm definitely bisexual. Gotta love masturbation.
I know exactly where this post is coming from! I hate it when people assume there is only 'gay' or 'straight'. The other infuriating misconception about bisexuality is that you have to like both sexes EQUALLY otherwise you're not 'truly' bisexual either, but just a closet gay or hetero.
If only we could do away with these distinctions altogether.
I intentionally identify with queer/fluid, and do not identify with bi for several reasons, and I think that is okay. This post makes me feel pushed me to identify with something that I don't want to and don't feel is for me. I feel the OP misses my experience as a queer woman who does not identify in the LGBT boxes.
1. As a feminine woman in college who has historically dated men, I cannot stand all the skepticism (just confused, horny and would sleep with anyone) or the male gaze aspect (must be to turn guys on right?). So yeah, that makes identifying as bi a little unappealing for me. Sorry to not sacrifice myself to join your political cause. Its not like I'm in the closet anymore, I am very out about being queer. But, I don't identify as bi.
2. I don't think the idea of bisexuality adequately encompasses my sexuality anyways. I mean, I have zero sexual interest in any cis men that I know right now. But, I know that might be temporary, because I am attracted to people, not specific genders. So I don't identify as lesbian.
3. And another really serious reason for not identifying as bi: It implies that there are two choices- men and women. What about all the hot genderqueer, intersex, and trans folks out there? Bisexuality erases our genderful world, suggesting that its men and women. Its just not that simple for me, so I identify as queer, not bi.
I am asking for your respect in this identification. I am so tired of everyone pushing me to identify as something else.
I identify as queer, and I'm tired of that not being enough for so many in the LGBT community.
first, i want to say thanks to the author for writing this. regardless of if we all agree with every point, it's important for those of us who don't fit into the gay/straight binary to speak out and be heard and seen.
now, to MollyG, your last point is what needs to be heard the most. until we stop insisting that everyone has to fit into a particular box, we'll never be able to come together as a community. we're pushed, by everyone, to choose a label. but, as soon as we choose, we're ostracized for not picking the right one. when will people realize that sticking labels on people doesn't really help anyone? it just makes it easier for bigots to discriminate.
On point 3: I also don't identify as bi because of the way the term erases the genderqueer people I'm attracted to (and my own genderqueer identity), but it's also very important to remember that many (most) trans and intersex people identify as men and women. Ascribing a non-binary identity to trans and intersex people just because they're trans and intersex is just as troublesome as erasing genderqueer people with binary assumptions.
I have always found this stereotype about bisexuals strange. B's often have more in common with the T's - not just for being the forgotten letters but because we both transgress boundaries that make the L,G, and Q's uncomfortable.
I think it is really telling that I have never in my time as an openly bisexual person met another self-identified bisexual who agreed with this idea that being bi automatically eliminates trans and genderqueer people from the dating pool by some fuzzy binary gender magic. That is always an expectation enforced on us by people who don't personally identify as bi.
Bisexual is defined as a sexual attracted to men and women. Why would that definition preclude people who are both or whose gender identity has changed? If you are bisexual you are pretty much saying "I'm potentially attracted to anyone who is or has ever been male or female". Ummm, that is pretty much everyone, including genderqueer and trans people.
While there will always be bisexuals who won't date non-cis people (or gays or lesbians or straights or Jews or blahblahblah), my experience is that they are an anomaly. Yet this criticism of bisexuality is leveled at bisexuals so often, especially among politically involved LGBTQs, despite not being rooted in any reality I've ever seen in my community. I personally add it to the list of stereotypes, along with "bisexuals are all giant sluts" and "bisexuals will always leave you for a man/woman". There seem to be a lot of non-bisexuals out there who feel very comfortable making claims of what bisexuality really is or what bisexuals really do.
The criticism isn't of people who identify as bisexual, but of the term "bisexual".
As you said, "Bisexual is defined as a sexual attracted to men and women". This doesn't include genderqueer people, who don't identify as either men or women. So for individuals who are attracted to genderqueer people, the term "bisexual" doesn't fit because it doesn't acknowledge that. People who identify as bisexual might still be attracted to genderqueer people, just as there are some people who identify as gay/lesbian who are attracted to people who aren't the same gender. But that doesn't negate the implications of the term "bisexual".
I originally came out as bisexual, but no longer identify as such (I identify as queer/pansexual) because it isn't accurate for me.
In an ideal world, we'd all be beyond labels because our choices about whom we love would be met with respect. I absolutely agree that the word "bisexual" doesn't reflect the full spectrum of gender, sex, gender expression, or relationship configurations as they exist in reality.
And yet.
In this moment, I claim the word "bisexual" as a political act. Not because it's perfect, but because it's still a tool to open up space *beyond* binaries. (Yes, I appreciate the seeming paradox in a word that implies binaries also tearing them down.) And unfortunately, in some cases, the word "queer" is a convenient way for G&L folks to avoid having to acknowledge the existence of bisexuals (and others attracted to more than one sex) at all.
I'm all for people identifying as they see fit; IMO, the move by more people to identify as queer is healthy. And actually, I can't think of any bisexuals I know who would push a label on someone who didn't want it. (The one exception *might* be where blatant biphobia/discrimination/hypocrisy is going on, such as with elected officials having secret affairs while voting for anti-LGBTQ legislation.) Just don't assume that everyone who calls themselves bi is doing so blindly or trying to fit you into any kind of box -- in my circles, we're pretty advanced when it comes to having a nuanced understanding of gender and language, an accepting attitude towards self-identification, and some solid political savvy.
I concur.
*sigh* I have sadly met people like this in my life as well, both gay and lesbians who seem to act as though queer should replace bisexual because it is convenient for them, and queer identified folk who share a lot of similarities with bisexuals but still treat them like lepers.
There is a certain privilege that people who identify as queer or label-free have - a privilege to not have to confront biphobia and bihatred all the time, only when they feel like it. Sometimes that is very difficult for me, when the people who I feel like should be my strongest allies are the ones drinking in the corner pointedly pretending not to notice the conversation where I'm being told that I'll be a real lesbian someday but until then, I have no place at this party (sorry, college flashback).
Great post, thanks for this. I too think individual people should label or not label themselves as they see fit. But in terms of mainstream/pop culture terminology, which is kind of where the "After Ellen" article started out, with Clementine Ford and other celebrities coming out and how to talk about these things... In that context, I feel like the use of the term "bisexual" is so important right now. Most mainstream media/TV shows won't even *use* it, or acknowledge a third option at all (much less more than 3 options). And it's not because they believe in sexual fluidity or multiple genders, but because they're still stuck on gay/straight man/woman either/or's... and to them bisexuality doesn't even exist! And that's a huge problem, even though in the big picture gay-straight-bisexual is still a limiting way of breaking things down... So I think that recognizing bisexuality is probably a necessary *step* for pop/mainstream culture, in finding a space (& a language) between gay-straight dichotomies in order to transition to a larger, more nuanced understanding of sexual fluidity (which of course many in the queer & feminist communities have already reached and moved beyond).
Thank you so much for this post! You're right, biphobia is so prevalent in our society, in both straight and queer communities. I identify as bisexual and it's so refreshing to see that there are so many people who are "fighting our erasure." (That was a beautiful, powerful, and heartbreaking way of putting it.)
I'm a bisexual woman and have had to deal with friends who are perfectly fine with gay people say negative things about bisexuals, that we either "don't really exist" or that we're just afraid to fully come out as gay. One of my friends found out that a guy she was interested in was bi and decided not to date him -- because she believed he was probably just afraid to come out as gay, as if bisexuals didn't also have to deal with bigotry. Another friend said she wouldn't date a bi man because it was "gross" to think of him having sex with another guy -- never mind that someone does not have to have sex with anyone to know he/she is bi, and that one's former sexual partners have no bearing on a current relationship.
I think it's especially difficult for bi men, but certainly bi invisibility in the media and biphobia are big problems for any bi person.
My latest response to the bisexuals don't exist (which always seems to be delivered to me by some gay guy who is using a giggly kidding-on-the-sly voice) is to deadpan something to the effect of "Yes, I am also a fucking unicorn". Its kinda funny because people give me this weird look, as though *gosh they never thought about the fact that they were basically called me a myth even though I'm standing 5 feet away.
As a bi man who's dated women who, later decided hey were lesbian, I don't feel like the relationship was "erased" by that decision.
Well put, Sarah. I often wonder if much of the prejudice against bisexuals is coming from lesbians and gay men who perhaps had a hard time struggling with their own identities. There are those who temporarily cling to the brand of "bi" simply out of fear of leaving their last traces of heterosexuality behind. However, that doesn't have to define it for the rest of us.
I find that when I'm in a relationship with a woman, everyone assumes I'm gay. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years, now everyone assumes I'm straight. In my younger years when I would flit from relationship to relationship with people of both genders, people assumed I was "confused". A gay friend of mine told me that I was just "greedy" and needed to decide what I wanted.
I can't tell you the number of times I've said "My life would be easier if I were a lesbian."
I find oppression from all angles straight people don't like me because I'm "half-gay" or whatever they come up with, and gays tend to forget the B in LGBT.
As a bisexual woman who has only been in relationships with men, thank you for this.
Thank you thank you thank you. An exceptional post.