In an ideal world I'd pick my own last name. But the chances of my meeting someone to marry are nil, so it's a moot question.

I have not yet married, but if I decided to enter into a marriage, I could not change my name. It's not a sign of disrespect to the groom or his family, it's just that it's my name. It's my identity, that's who i've always been and who I want to keep being. I would also never dream of asking my future husband to change his name. I have a career in the arts in which it would be silly to change my name, however even if that wasn't the case, I still couldn't change it.

I kept my name. It's unusual and I love it.

And basically, I've decided not to sweat the Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName. I signed my own name when I send letters and thank yous and I'll correct my name when asked. But I figure that most of those who mistake my last name are products of a different mindset and time who honestly don't mean me harm or disrespect.

And if and when I'm asked why I kept my name, I just honestly have said, "It's my name and I love it. I don't want to change it."

I know where you're coming from. My wife and I went through this way too often after we wed. We spoke about it before-hand, of course. We both felt that her taking my name was pretty much marking her as an extension of myself, obviating her past identity.

We get plenty of letters addressed to "Mr. & Mrs [my given name] [my last name]" or "Dear [my first name] & [her first name] [my last name]". The next time we speak with the sender one of us mentions our names are separate and that's usually the end of it. Usually they just say something like: oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize... We say: no problem, you didn't know. The end. Usually.

Sometimes people want to talk about it. Rarely bothersome, just honest curiosity about our views - although most people figure it out on their own and take it in without comment. But phone personnel are the worst, they don't come off as challenging or questioning of our name choices. Rather they just don't understand the concept that we're married but don't have the same name. It gets bloody tiresome.

Many utility accounts are registered under my name and many of them can't grasp the concept of a married woman keeping her own name - *gasp* next she'll want to vote! One was so bad every time my wife called they wouldn't speak with her because she didn't have my name - I told them on the phone and in writing dozens of times over three or four years before they finally figured it out and now have two distinct names who're allowed to make changes/enquiries to our plan. One month I got a bill addressed to [my first name] [her last name] - it seems when I said "her name is..." and "yes, we're married" they assumed they had my last name wrong and changed it to hers. *sigh*.

I've also found that joking about it while poking fun at patriarchy and reversing social mores tends to work well. Often when it comes up I say: yeah, she's a pretty liberal and open-minded woman, she let me keep my maiden name. Or: we broke with tradition and I kept my maiden name. You usually see their eyes glaze for a split second while they process this before they figure it out, laugh then just accept our names without further ado. Unless they're working the phones at a utility company, then you get a moment of addled silence then go back two steps in the conversation and try again.

I'm going to change my name, I'm a teacher and Mrs Townsend is easier for the kids to pronounce and spell than Miss Nattress.

I dont feel that my name defines my identity so I have no issue... however I see your point...

xLx

My husband and I talked about it at length. I kept my name. I couldn't be happier.

I use my name when corresponding and I respectfully correct people when the issue arises. Most people are content with the correction; while others seem to want some sort of explanation. I'm sure it's because they genuinely want to know. I say, "My name has been mine for 27 years and it still suits me just fine." Usually something kinda witty and light. One person in particular advised me to hyphenate so "other people will know you two are married and not just shacking up". Then later followed up with "Don't you think you're being disrespectful to his family. What does your husband say about that?" What does he say about that?! Like agreeing to marry him means I've given up the right to make decisions for myself...I think that was the only time I've been downright offended. Usually it doesn't bother me, though.

I'll tell ya, retaining one's independence after marriage does seem to be hell on the bills. Insurance, utilities, cable- you name it. Everyone in that realm seem to be absolutely shocked. It throws people off. I still can't pay the Verizon wireless bill that happens to be in my husband's name. Unless of course, I answer a series of questions to prove I am who I say I am. Then they call him afterward anyway to ensure he's authorized the payment. Bizarre.

A while back I had my last name legally changed to my mother's (who, after getting divorced, has regained the last name with which she was born). I've always identified with my mom's side more, so I wanted that to be official. Now, having fought for my name (and gone to court, and spent a ton of money, and put out newspaper ads and everything to do it), there's no way in hell I'll ever change it again. That name is MY FAMILY; it is ME. No man, or man's family, could trump it.

I married someone from a culture in which it is not customary for women to take on a new name upon marriage. So I was lucky 'cause I was met with absolutely no resistance.

But I did bring it up when we were dating because at the time I didn't know and actually I used to ask that question as a sort of litmus test to see how egalitarian minded people were.

Most of my friends knew I was non-traditional and all that good stuff. But one of my male friends/co-workers who also was engaged around that time was a bit puzzled and said that he'd be hurt if his partner didn't want to take his name. To which I said, "it's a good thing we're not getting married (to each other)!"

I've heard of couples in which both spouses change their last names to something shared. I proposed this to my likely future husband, and feminist that he is, he sounded a little shocked and disappointed. After asking him about it he said it was just a bit disappointing because his last name was something he's expected pass on to a woman since he was very little. It made perfect sense; I mean, how can you argue with the fact that society has told him that's what he's supposed to do, and thus he's been expecting it for such a long time? But in the end he said he'd be just as willing as I am to compromise on our different ends of the spectrum.

In conclusion to the essay, it's tough, because this is someone you love and would do anything for, but as a true feminist I wonder if I would ever be able to take the last name just out of love. It makes me scowl just to think of becoming part of that tradition, following in the footsteps of so many silent women over the centuries who were never more than their husband's shadows. I suppose at that time it did make sense, because a woman's only worth was extending the man's line.

I think both of us switching our last names to a mutual one will end up being the best option. But I don't want to sadden him by doing it, either.

Chances are I'll never get married and not to a guy so this is all highly theoretical for me, but... it's complicated.

On the feminist side of things, I definitely want to keep my name. I mean, it's my *name*. I've had it these twenty-odd years, it's served me perfectly well, what do I want to go changing ot for? My mother kept her maiden name, so it's not as if I've grown up thinking I'd have to change it.

But then again... the thing is, my name is *boring*. It's only four letters long, and it's common as dirt where I'm from. It's not so bad now that I'm living in another country, but honestly, if someone with a really, really cool name came by? I would be tempted. I would be very tempted. (My brother, incidentally, has said he'll definitely change his name if he gets married and his wife's is cooler, so it's not just me!)

Throwing yet more wrenches in the works: I would definitely want to have a German last name, and I want to go into academia where it's probably best not to change your name halfway through your career. Plays hell with the publication record ;)

After my husband and I decided to get married, I told him that I wouldn't change my last name. He said that he knew I wouldn't and didn't really care anyway or expect it from me. So, both of us still have our 'maiden' names and our families are fine with it too. The only question I actually got was from my grandmother. She asked if keeping my name was legally possible. I thought that one statement just showed the significant difference between her generation and mine when it came to women's decisions.

Also, at the wedding and after, we got a lot of cards addressed to Mr. and Mrs. His Last Name. Some of our Christmas cards still come that way. Most do not. It only bothered me to a small degree - thinking about my name in the offing etc., but ,for the most part, the people sending us these cards with the wrong names addressed on them are being respectful and well meaning.

Also, I was significantly and pleasantly surprised with how many people have been perfectly A-OK with our name decision. We haven't received any grief, and, to my knowledge, are the only married couple in our families to have made this decision. No one has asked us to explain this decision either, which shows me that they respect it.

However, I wish that more people would ask. I would gladly answer, because as an art activist, I think that the best way to get other people to formulate new ideas against the societal grain is to have someone intelligently, calmly, and happily explain their decisions to them without lecturing etc. I would love the opportunity to explain to someone why I didn't choose my husband's name. I think that it would open up a really nice dialogue about our relationship, patriarchal societies, and more about our personal career choices as artists and why our names are significant.

I want to keep my name if/when I get married, which won't be for many years, but one thing my friends brought up to me: if you keep your last name, and your spouse keeps theirs, what last name do children get? Do they take one or both? It wouldn't be fair to use one over the other, but it also could be a mouthful of a last name using both. I hope there's an obvious solution to this, because I can't think of one, but I really dig my last name and it's meaning.

I am married, and kept my own name. There is alot of resistence to women not changing their name (people purposefully calling Mr Hislastname, or telling me that I have made the wrong decision...

But I react but consistent correction, and making sure people know what my name is. and if they want to know why I definitely explain that too.

When I was growing up, my parents used to make me address everything (thank you notes, whatever I was writing) to "Mr. and Mrs. His Last Name." Having been taught that it was "correct," I became one of those people who deliberately addressed women that way. Crazy, right? Then, luckily, I found feminism and came to my senses. Why am I telling you this? Well, I guess just because those people are out there, but maybe, like me, they will see the light sooner or later.

Anyway, I totally understand wanting to keep your name. I feel deeply connected to my name -- I could never change it.

"The name change custom has been criticized for a number of reasons.[3][4][5] It can be construed as meaning the woman's father and then husband had control over her, and it means that lines of male descent (patrilinearity) are seen as primary—that a child has no inherited name tying him or her to female ancestors (matrilinearity).[6] Moreover, it means that women have no surnames of their own, but only "place-markers" indicating their relationship to men.[7]

Though very rare in Western culture, occasionally a man takes his wife's name upon marriage, [8] either by changing his last name entirely or by joining his name with his wife's. Frédéric Joliot-Curie, born Jean Frédéric Joliot, is one such example;[9] Jack White of The White Stripes is another.

A man who wishes to change his last name to his wife's will, in the United States, encounter some difficulties, despite the general common-law right to choose one's name at will. Only California, Georgia, Hawaii, Iowa, Massachusetts, New York and North Dakota explicitly allow a man to change his name through marriage with the same ease as a woman.[10] A man living in any other state will have to apply for a name change through the court system and pay the required fees (usually several hundred dollars).[citation needed]

The American suffragist and abolitionist Lucy Stone (1818–1893), made a national issue of the right to keep one's own surname as part of her efforts for women's rights in the U.S. Women who choose not to use their husbands' surnames have been called "Lucy Stoners" ever since.

For many of an Indian woman's official documents, the husband's name or father's name has to be mentioned as a legal guardian (eg. applying for passport, applying for a bank account, etc.). This is irrespective of whether the woman is considered a minor or an adult.

In the state of Meghalaya, nobody changes any names ever. Everyone is known by the birth name for life. The birth first name is the name the parents choose for their child e.g. Moonlight and the last name is, by default, the mother's last name.

I recommend reading the entire entry at:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Married_and_maiden_names

I am strong believer that our names are a strong signifier of who we are. I moved to the States from Romania when I was 11 and I really dislike my last name because it reminds me of my father's family (who wanted me [only child] to be a boy, and later told my mom she should try again). My parents and I will be getting our citizenship in one year and we get the option to change our last names then.

I recently told my parents that I will change my last name then. Surprisingly, they thought it was a good idea and loved my choice so much that they want to change theirs also.

Therefore, after I change it, it will be fully mine.. and I won't change it for anything! :)

Here is a great book that talks about language and gender. On page 27-28, it discusses why there never was a Mrs. George Washington. That custom was not the norm until later, when some man decided women were property so should be addressed as such. Also of interest, on page 18, the author discusses how almost all (if not all) words to refer to a prominent woman have been devalued while corresponding words for men have kept their original meaning. Examples: Sir/Madam, Lord/Lady, Master/Mistress, Governor/Governess.

I recommend the entire book. It is called "Man Made Language" by Dale Spender (yes, Dale is a woman).

http://books.google.com/books?id=4Vc9AAAAIAAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_summary_r&cad=0

In a strange coincidence, I just wrote about the same thing; www.wallpaper.blogs.ie

There really is no question, I will be keeping my name. I'm delighted to be marrying him, but I will always be me. :)

Certainly the man's last name should not just trump the woman's. Choosing a last name is a major decision for a couple wishing to start a family, however it is a necessary one. Last names are more than just the name you list last. They are the name of your family. Thus it is rather pointless unless everyone within a particular family have the same last name; unless of course you don’t see your marriage as the start of a family and don’t plan on kids.

Regardless of whether it is an equitable arrangement or not, getting married means spending a long, long time in a very intimate relationship with them. A certain fusion of identities is to be expected; being a non-patriarchal marriage just means that each spouse contributes equally to their shared identity.

“Hyphenating” does not really work either; you’re increasing the number of names your children have. Imagine if two people who both of their parents decided to hyphenate got married, and then decided to follow their parent’s example? Obviously hyphenating wouldn’t work if the majority of a non-patriarchal society practiced it. A few generations and roll call would take an hour. Though I suppose the children could just decide which name they want when they grow up.

My fiance and I are taking on a new name after we marry. I wanted to avoid the ownership (by my father or fiance) implied in keeping my family name or taking my fiance's name. Growing up, my family did not place a lot of emphasis the importance of a last name (for me or for my brother), and I think as a result, I'm not very attached to my particular last name.

Instead of figuring out a way to combine our last name to form a new name, my fiance and I searched through potential names to find one that had a meaning we liked. We decided on Sheridan which means "to seek." We feel that this choice is one of many ways to express our new beginning together as equal partners.

The response we've had to this decision has been overwhelmingly positive. If anyone is against it, they have not shared it with us, and a few people have told us that they hope to do something similar when they marry.

i don't think i would ever change my last name. for the obvious feminist, i still have an identity reasons. but also because my name flows very nicely and i don't if i could part with that...that sounds silly but it's how i feel :)

I'm getting "married" next year (very untraditional ceremony) and he will be taking my last name--which was actually his idea from the beginning. Now that I think about it, since it is about equality, it would have been more "equal" for us to pick out a new last name together, but I've always strongly identified with my last name and I was so psyched he wanted to! He did mention that if we ever decided to have children someday, I would be the one having to deal with the physical hassle, so he figured it was only fair he would have to take on the name changing hassle. Very cute! But anyway, that's what we're doing.