(cross posted at Oh You're A Feminist?! )
I've been thinking a lot about bullying lately, specifically bullying among girls and women. The more research i did on the topic, the more i found relating to bullying's effects on the victims, how girls bully, and the difficulty of breaking free of bullying. What i didn't find much of is WHY girls bully and how this bullying translates to adult female relationships.
Bullying among girls has been on the rise since the early 1990's. Also, the bullying isn't stereotypical physical violence you think of when "bully" comes to mind (though it can be). Bullying among girls usually takes on more subtle and calculated characteristics. The NCPC defines a female bully as a girl who "is popular, well-liked by adults, does well in school, and can even be friends with the girls she bullies. She doesn't get into fist fights, although some girls who bully do. Instead, she spreads rumors, gossips, excludes others, shares secrets, and teases girls about their hair, weight, intelligence, and athletic ability. She usually bullies in a group and others join in or pressure her to bully."
No wonder I came to the conclusion of "hating girls" in middle and high school. Obviously i didn't, because i am female myself, but it was the best way my 12 year old self knew to cope and to separate myself from the stereotypically female characteristics that were supposedly bad. You know, girls being portrayed as catty, oversensitive, and manipulative. Grown up me recognizes that not all women (and girls) are those things (though some sure can be...) but 12 year old me, who needed external validation, knew she'd get it most by identifying as little with stereotypically female traits as possible. I've heard women, again and again, note that "women (or girls) are so difficult to be friends with" or all their close friends are male because "men are easier to deal with." When i started to really think about this i realized we were being socialized to hate ourselves.
I think one of the biggest problems is girls aren't being taught the qualities they should be valuing. Qualities like cooperation, strength, diversity, warmth, respect, communication, responsibility, empathy, and many others. Instead, they're being judged based on their appearance, clothes, weight, and popularity (which fluctuates daily based on who's in their "circle" that day) and their actions to become popular based on those terms are only reinforced by movies, television, music, and toys.
Kimmi and Courtney talked about core self-esteem back in December. They discussed how it's created and nurtured and the dangers of being unaware of ones self-esteem or having false (merely outward) self-esteem as many "tough girls" do. Courtney has been working with the Dove Self Esteem Fund to raise self-esteem in girls and train dedicated adults to do the same. She mentioned a Dove nationwide study that found 7 out of 10 girls felt they didn't measure up in some way. Out of the girls that felt they didn't measure up, half engaged in negative behaviors like smoking, drinking, bullying, and disordered eating. Kimmi and Courtney also talked about the importance of responding honestly to our own feelings and being able to recognize them as apposed to rationalizing and pretending they are something else. This is a tough thing to do, especially for young girls. At that age, girls are often looking for external validation and not inward, at their actions, reactions, and emotions. But looking inward, and focusing on the positive values i mentioned earlier is what fosters self-esteem. However, if we're never taught to love our sisters, and we are taught that we don't quite measure up, how can we develop a strong sense of self, positive self-esteem, and close relationships with each other? Also, how can we begin to understand the damaging effects of bullying, especially in the way that girls bully, if we don't understand our own value?
So how does all this translate into adult female relationships? Well i think very similarly. I think core self-esteem and self acceptance has a lot to do with it, followed by having respect for others. Also, not knowing how to connect with people in a meaningful way and thus using "relationships" for manipulation and even punishment. I think a lot of times bullies get caught in a web of their actions and don't know how to connect with other women in genuine ways. They end up pushing others out and only having their negative thoughts and behaviors to focus on. This isn't necessarily their fault, like i said, girls aren't taught to develop honest relationships with each other from a young level.
Rachel Simmons wrote a great book on bullying, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls , that is now referenced in most developmental psych classes. One of the terms Simmons uses is "relational aggression" which is described as any behavior intended to harm someone else through manipulation in relationships. As an adult, there are several adult women i know who utilize this. Some relational aggression tactics that are discussed in the book for adolescents and teenage girls, but i have witnessed adult women use, include: exclusion, ignoring, malicious gossip, intimidation, manipulation, alliance building, and cyberbullying . And though Rachel Simmons finally gave a much needed voice to young female bullying victims in her book, she doesn't address female bullying in adult relationships. To assume this behavior ends in adulthood, is naive.
Why do seemingly adult women engage in bullying? I think most of it is for the same reasons girls do - such as power, control, popularity, to become closer with someone else, manipulation, etc. But as adults, there is also often a competitive nature that goes along with bullying, as well as a sense of "keeping someone in their place." Both of these elements can somewhat be explained through socialization. We are constantly bombarded with messages of women competing with one another for men, jobs, fashion, appearance... We see a lot of this type of bullying at work or among "friends" during or after college.
Are you or your kids being emotionally bullied?? If so, below are some tips for parents and helpful links for resources. Also, feel free to share any stories you are comfortable sharing in the comments section.
Some Tips for Parents:
- Involve girls in activities outside of school so they are exposed to different types of people
- Encourage relationships with adults and other children who appreciate them for what they are
- Be available to listen and don’t downplay the importance of an incident
- Teach kindness and model that behavior
- Talk about both sides of an issue. Girls may tell you about being a victim but not talk about being the aggressor
- If your daughter is caught in the middle, encourage her to take the high road and support the victim, or at least not take part in the aggression
- If necessary, see professional counseling.
- Become computer savvy.
- Do not allow your child to have a computer in their room or other isolated area. If they have laptops, set guidelines for where they can use it and the length of time they can use it.
- Be aware of the online activities of your child
- Research filtering and parental control programs for your computer
Some possibly helpful websites:
www.opheliaproject.org
www.relationalaggression.com
www.cyberbullying.ca
www.daughters-sisters.org
www.smartgirl.com
www.powerofhome.org
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I'm dealing with something similar right now and it's incredibly frustrating. (I'm 20 as well, not in high school.) There is this girl, a "friend", who can't seem to help but make incredibly rude comments or be extraordinarily mean. She likes to then backtrack and say she's only joking but she's clearly not. Normally I would just stop hanging out with her but I'm abroad and there's only 12 other people in my program so avoiding her is impossible. And even though I've reached my limit and have been considering telling her that her "friendship" isn't worth her attitude, I've come to decide that I'd rather not stir up drama before I leave (in a week and a half) and simply not hang out with her on campus in the Fall.
But then I think to myself how that is extremely passive and "feminine" and I wonder if I should stand up and say what I'm doing and why. I have the feeling she picks weak-willed friends she can walk all over, who won't walk away and who, even if they do call her out on her stuff, eventually back down again.
I don't want to be passive, but I don't like burning bridges or stirring animosity when I can avoid it. This feeling of wanting to completely separate was cemented this weekend when she turned a comment I made about a music video into a personal attack on me.
I'll probably stick to my second plan (waiting and then avoiding) unless anybody else has a good idea. I also wanted to share that not all bullying takes place in high school and younger - it's also an adult thing.
Eresbel - thank you for that!! You are quite correct about female-adult bullying. I wish I could give you some advice on it - but I am really going to relate my own story. It may help.
I am 37 - and I am experiencing bullying at the moment!! I have a group of friends. They all work in the same hairdressers (I am a regular customer).
One of them - a woman a few year's younger than myself, has sort of set herself up as "top dog".
Her demeaner is almost that of a child. At first, we became good freinds and engaged in social activities a lot.
After a while, I noticed how she began to critisize how I dress. then it was about my body-type (I am slim). Then she began to tell me really personal stories about the other people she works with. Bear in mind - these people are whom she considers her closest friends!
I thought it was just her way of "making herself known", I guess. But I have found out lately, that she has also told other people very personal things sbout me and openly made very unkind comments.
At first, I asked her closest work friends if this was how she usually conducted herself. they all said it was....that she had done the same to all of them.
And when I asked whether it was worth gently telling her it was not on....they all turned against ME!!! It's like they were protecting their top-dog!
To date, she has taken absolutely no responsibility. When I try to talk to her about it, she just reels off a long list of her own problems in an attempt to make people feel sorry for her.
This is astonisihing to me - especially as she has got one or two of her work mates so intimidated that they are a little scared around her (not physically, but certainly phsychologically).
I am not intimidated by her (I just feel sorry for her that she thinks this is ok at 33). The scariest thing to me is how they all protect her when someone points out her behaviour.
I now feel a little of a social pariah with this group (which is worrying because they know a lot of people in my town). But I will not give up my belief that she is wrong and they need to be honest with her.
It's amazing really - that two grown women should be engaged in such an infantile exchange. I thought I got away from bullyig when I left school!
On a similar note, Minnesota is currently working a bill to include sexual orientation and gender identity (as well as disability and national origin) into the model state bullying policy, and they are incorporating personal stories from young men and women into the list of testimonies. Better yet, people are listening. It has already passed the Senate and is moving on to the House. Can you say "Holler?"
I was a victim of bullying all through school. I have been bullied by all kinds of people but the NCPC definition accurately describes the ones who were female. But I have to say the male bullies were worse and more aggressive. They never hit me but they did throw things at me and said worse things.
i agree, no doubt male bullies were worse.