There has been a lot of great dialogue recently on Feministing about femmes and female gender expression. It raised a few questions for me, and I truly value the thoughts of feministers, so please try to answer if you can.
Firstly, I'm a ciswoman. My experience is that I enjoy being a woman, and that I want to communicate my enthusiasm and pride about it. However, the usual forms of female gender expression--heels, makeup, fashion, long hair--just don't sit well with me. I consider myself essentially a femme, but can't there be another way of expressing it?
This is my problem with the ol' lipstick and heels: it makes me into an object by limiting my transcendance. Now, if you haven't read Second Sex, you might not know what I'm talking about. Basically, all of those things we consider feminine inhibit my comfort, movement, and even health. In my opinion, my gender expression and the formerly mentioned things should not be in opposition. When they are set in opposition, it makes me feel like I'm hurting or even mutilating myself for someone else, thus making me an object.
Much feminine expression is also time-consuming and energy-draining. I truly think this saps needed energy from women, while people who identify as male are taxed by much less vigorous rituals of expression.
I have a feeling that most femmes (ciswomen and transwomen) aren't actually attached to lipstick and heels (as a synecdoche for feminine accoutrement) themselves, because they're only things. We are attached to what it means to wear those things, to be a woman, and to proudly wear feminine symbols. My main question is, can we imbibe other, less restricting and harmful objects with the symbolism of femininity? What could these things be?
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There's plenty of girly things that aren't painful. High heels are awful, but you can get cute sandals or flats that won't hurt your feet. Nice flowy sundresses are feminine and comfortable. I hope this is sort of what you were asking for.
You didn't mention your sexual orientation, Simone. Femme is a term used by queer women, originally as a part of the butch-femme dynamic. Nowadays, there are femmes who date femmes and butches who date butches, but I don't really think hetero women should start referring to themselves as "femme"--it strikes me as an irrelevant appropriation. (I haven't read all the discussions, so forgive me if a lot of people have talked about this already.)
I think one can still express pride in being a woman without buying into all the cosmetic trappings of femininity--what about wearing tees, jewelry or buttons that express your views?
First of all, from my understanding "femme" is generally used as an identity term within the LGBT community, not as an identifier for straight women. As a heterosexual woman, I don't feel comfortable claiming that term to reference myself, because it may have different meanings than "to dress/present feminine" within the LGBT community, specifically in regard to sexual orientation identity.
That being said, I don't agree with what you are saying. The idea that "the usual forms of female gender expression--heels, makeup, fashion, long hair" take a long time isn't necessarily true. Also, I don't agree that feminine clothing is always more restrictive than masculine clothing. I love skirts and dresses and find that I can move around in them better than long pants. I think most women have a mix of what they wear. I love jewelry but hate high heels and makeup. All of it is personal preference (and makeup makes my face itch).
People engage in different forms of self-adornment for many different reasons. Clothing, makeup, hair can express cultural background or lifestyle. Everyone chooses the way they want to look and present; even if you do not enjoy fashion, you're still wearing something.
It's important that each woman is able to choose the way she wants to present herself and her body, without being judged. Stereotypes of "dumb blonde", unintelligent and not-feminist because of feminine clothing and gender presentation are harmful. Sometimes I get comments from people who are surprised to find out I study computer science - just because I happen to like dresses and earrings.
Often women are not taken seriously based on the way we look. It's a double-bind: "too pretty" and you're shallow and stupid; "ugly and unfashionable" and you're unlovable, lazy etc. Instead of reinforcing this double-bind by making judgments on what women decide to wear, we need to support the forms of gender expression and presentation that each woman chooses.
I've also always heard femme used to refer to queer women. But for straight women, what is the opposite of tomboy? If there's no word for it, is it because we're assuming that all straight women dress femininely? That doesn't seem fair.
Anyway, I think I look plenty feminine, but I don't do anything that hurts me or restricts my movement. I have long hair but no makeup. I keep my nail polish nice but only because its a good way to break my nail biting habit. I wear casual clothes most days, like jeans, but they are still clearly women's clothes. I wear a lot of pink, and for formal occasions I wear dresses, but I usually go with flats or low heels. Its totally possible to look feminine without anything restrictive. And I think men's suits are way more restrictive in general since they have much less choice on ways to vary them.
I find that "tomboy" is a highly problematic term.
Since when must activities like climbing trees, playing catch, getting dirty be labeled as "tomboy" or "boy-like activities" ?
Why aren't they just activities many children engage in?
When people suggest I was a "tomboy" it sounds like they are saying I was like a boy; which denies my gender and that many girls enjoy the same activities.
It's a cover for a deeper form of sexism as well. By saying "you are like a boy" that is saying "you are not like other girls" or "you are the exception to the rule", the "rule" being "all of the other girls". So basically by calling me a tomboy, I feel that that person is labeling most other girls as different/not-as-good/etc. It's another way to try to turn women against each other.
Tomboy specifically means a girl who acts like boys, so you can be offended that it says you're acting like a boy, but it isn't at all saying you ARE a boy. No one would use the word tomboy to refer to a boy.
Oh, I misread, I thought you said "it sounds like they are saying I was a boy."
I do find it to be an inherently offensive term. What do you think?
I don't find it offensive. Yes it was originally based on the idea that genders are inherently different, but so are terms like butch and femme which seem to be accepted. At this point its just a descriptive term. I mostly think of it as a positive thing. I don't think its any more offensive than "butch" which has now been embraced as a label for certain lesbians, and which is also based on a traditionally masculine word.
To me tomboy means a girl who usually wears pants, is active, and doesn't care all that much about things like fashion. When I was little I considered myself a tomboy; I hated wearing dresses and although I had long hair, I never brushed it. I ran around outside and I liked toys that did things better than dolls.
I guess I liked both types of activities - barbies, dresses, and climbing trees, playing pickle. I never liked that term because it implied that if I liked barbies and dresses I couldn't like the other stuff.
Yeah, and if you really like barbies and dresses then the term doesn't really apply to you. But I still don't think of it as an offensive term at all.
The word is "feminine", Pantheon. Or "girly".
I feel the same way! I love showing off my "woman-ness," I guess: accenting my eyes, showing off my shape, etc. However, I don't go for any of the things that limit my transcendance. I wear floaty or A-line dresses because they're less restricting than pants (and I like to show off my tattoos). I have never learned how to walk in heels. I rarely even wear lipstick, because it has to be reapplied and I don't want to be bothered. I have long hair, but I don't know how to style it. Sometimes I shave, sometimes I don't (and I don't feel self-conscious about my body hair). I don't care about visible panty lines, and have never spent so much as one day in a thong.
I think you're right that women don't naturally like lipstick and heels, but that they like how these items make them feel: maybe that's getting attention, making them feel "ready" (for the day or a date or whatever) or making them feel like they match what womanhood "should" be.
We don't need new symbols of femininity, we need to lose the idea that we're only feminine with these culturally-agreed-upon sybols.
Reconciling feminism with your personal grooming, beauty, and fashion habits can be really tough, especially with the immense pressure placed on traditionally feminine women by some feminists to stop "restricting" themselves with patriarchal beauty standards. I'm of the opinion that this pressure is a load of crap. I have time and time again had to explain myself for shaving, as though my personal appearance and grooming habits could ever prevent me from being a feminist.
I feel the same way you do about heels, makeup, etc. And I also enjoy looking feminine. I wear a lot of skirts/dresses with flats or flat boots, no make-up, and a short haircut. I like to think I look pretty good :o) However, a lot depends on where you live, unfortunately. I feel comfortable with the way I look in a big city, but when I visit my family in a smaller city in the south, I stand out. I've been called sir, lesbian, etc. all because I have a short (feminine) haircut and no makeup.
I like wearing make-up. I like wearing dresses and skirts. I love fashion. I own comfortable heels (they really do exist) and I wear them pretty frequently. I like the way I look, and I enjoy getting dressed in the morning.
I think the basic rule is this: dress however you like, and don't judge other people for dressing how they like.
Just because a woman doesn't care about clothes and is happy leaving the house in jeans and a t-shirt and no make-up, doesn't mean that she wants to be a man, or that she's not interested in sex, or that she's a lesbian. And I do think that a woman who dresses like this is just as feminine as a woman in heels and full make-up.
Just because a woman likes getting dressed up, and usually wears skirts and eyeliner and shaves her legs and shows some skin, doesn't mean that she's anti-feminist, or stupid, or a slave to the patriarchy.
It doesn't matter what standards of appearance you're imposing. If you're imposing them, there's something wrong.