Not Safe for Work.
My SO and I have been thinking about using a strap-on on him. It's not going to happen for some time, but conversation has opened up. He's nervous because of the way society has basically told him that he's gay if he does that and it's bad. But he is open to the idea and a big part of him really does want to. So we've been looking online for information and harnesses and dildos and whatnot, and a lot of rhetoric about power comes up. You know, how 'women enjoy gaining power' when using a strap-on to penetrate their male lover.With something other than a finger,I haven't found much on women feeling empowered by using a finger to penetrate anally.
First of all, what exactly are the implications here? I understand that power is something involved, I feel a little empowered just thinking about wearing a harness, even if it's not with the dildo in it. But I think a lot of comes from the idea that to have power in sex is to penetrate. And to me, that's more than a little messed up. I mean, what does that say about men and women in their natural state? Are women really considered naturally powerless in sex just because we are the ones being penetrated? It shows in gay men relationship ideas we have, too: the one receiving is the 'woman,' the 'bitch,' if you will.
I personally feel like we are BOTH gaining power by switching roles, and I can't really describe why. We both think of it as being able to choose what role you have during intercourse (give/receive,) but I can't really describe it better than that. I keep falling on the 'well, I'm able to penetrate now' reasoning.
So my main questions are, why do these women and men keep saying that a woman is 'empowered' by strapping a cock on? Is there any idea of men losing power by taking it? Is it bad that these women feel like they are gaining power by being able to penetrate? Does it only reinforce the idea that one is only empowered during sex if they are penetrating? I'm just not sure what most people mean when they talk about gaining power by becoming the one who is penetrating.
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I don't think this particular sex act or others change the power dynamic in a relationship just by doing them. Rather, sexual power dynamics in relationships are determined by the perceptions of each person. Some people enjoy playing with mainstream ideas of sexual power by engaging in activities that challenge common norms (cross-dressing, pegging, etc.) I think it has less to do with actual power and more to do with sexual preference and the emotional outcome of particular sex acts.
I think the power relationships of sex are inevitably tied up with cultural assumptions about control and penetration.
A semantic example: why is penetration "giving" and being penetrated "receiving". Depending on the sex position, with hetero piv sex, the dominant motion can be given to the man, the woman, or shared. And yet the penis is always described as "giving" and the vagina is always "receiving"?
If a woman is on top and controlling the motion, what about that is receptive?
Doesn't seem like language really does a good job at getting to the actual power relationship of sex, just the cultural one (i.e. the perception that men always give, women always receive.)
I totally didn't even think about that until you said it. What's especially interesting is that in U.S. culture, we usually would rather 'receive' than 'give' something.
I think we think of it as giving or taking a penis. But then again, that just sounds phallocentric. Why can't I 'give pussy' to my lover? I mean, it just sounds like men are doing us women a favor, giving us their wonderful cocks of wonder, lol.
I will try to refrain from give/take unless directly referring to the penis/vagina in bed. And I will try to think of it as 'giving vagina' as much as 'giving penis.' : )
It's interesting to see just how phallocentric our language can be. However, I think I have heard the phrase "giving pussy" before.
I'd never noticed how irrationally focused upon penetration our give/receive dichotomy is until now. Functionally evaluating it on a position by position basis is a much better idea.
I used to be very hung up and sad about how the vagina always seems to be the passive part of sex, as opposed to the dick. Then I realized how easily it could be flipped.
You can say "the penis PENETRATES the vagina" - or you can say "the vagina ENGULFS the penis". In that case the penis is the passive one.
I've heard the passivity of the vagina defended with arguments like "It's not the cave that goes around the rider!", or "It's not the nose that picks the finger", and other dumb shit. But you can just as easily say "It's not the apple that eats the mouth", or "It's not the stick that grips the hand", or whatever.
Point being, passive/active is so subjective! I wish people wouldn't get so hung up on this like I was.
Based on many of the responses to this post, and the original post on my blog, I really do think that we still retain at least traces of the Ancient Greek/Roman idea that being penetrated is a sign of lower social status and penetrating is a sign of higher status. So that would explain the immediate assumption that you would be empowered by it. You would think we would have evolved past this, and I'm somewhat embarassed that it took me several years after doing my grad school research on the Greek/Roman mindset to realize that this is still the dominant view in our culture.
Yeah, the implications are totally insulting. I think that you and your SO should BOTH feel empowered, because you're following what turns on yourselves and each other regardless of the fact that your societal conditioning says Good Girls Don't and Straight Guys Don't!
This is just from my perspective, but I thought I would leave a comment.
My SO and went ahead and took this step a few months ago and both found it to be an added egalitarian demension to our sex life.
Perhaps for those women who feel that they are giving up power when they have sex there is a feeling of empowerment by using the strap-on. But I'm pretty sure thats all socialization.
Take it from me, if you are both into it, it will be great no matter what :-)
I'm glad you wrote this piece because I have thought about some of the same questions that your post raised. I think you've done a great job of conceptualizing the act, and I feel like I can relate to what you've written.
I have a fascination with 'pegging'--penetrating a man anally with a strap-on dildo or toy. It is something I want to try because it turns me on, but I have a hard time identifying why it turns me on. Part of the allure of pegging, for me, is definitely the 'power' aspect--but I don't think that it's as simplistic as 'men give, women receive.' I'm rebelling, in my own way, against my culture's obsession with the almighty man-cock. It's not that I envy men their penises or that I think of sex as a transaction between two people with distinct, separate roles... it's that when I am pegging, I am usurping the cultural power of the man with a penis... I feel like I own and reshape the pernicious paradigms that bind my identity as a woman--things that I have no control over because they exist outside of me. I feel like a fantastic abomination.
When I'm me, every day, I can try all I want to break people's gender-based assumptions about me and I can struggle against being a collection of parts, but I won't always succeed. When I take that fight inside myself, I sometimes have a hard time breaking down the inner voices that tell me what a woman 'should be' or 'is no matter what.' I have trouble shaking off all the gender difference research and bullshit science I deal with every day.
When I take that fight to the bedroom and confront my thought-enemies with my intimate partner, things change. I take the idea of the man-cock and I subvert it. I take all the stupid ideas I encounter about masculinity and femininity and I do whatever I want with them. I'm still a woman and my partner is still a man, but those identities become uniquely ours. I am a woman, but what does it mean to be a woman who penetrates? It means nothing and it means everything. It means the self that everyone made for me, without my consent, is gone. It means that my partner isn't just a man-cock during sex--he's a man by his own definition. And it feels so good to know that.
It's empowering because it helps us be who we are on our own terms.
*highfive*
Quoted from http://happyendingz.blogspot.com/2009/03/job-satisfaction-employee-benefits-and.html
I find [pegging] hard to describe. But I think the closest thing to compare it to is a power trip. I just felt this rush of being in charge because I was doing the fucking. He was on all fours and I was kneeling behind him just ramming away. Thank Gawd he couldn’t see me because I was starting to make my fuck faces – that is how much I was getting into it.
After a while he asked to change positions. That’s when I discovered that I was soaking wet! I began to panic, but luckily he was too much in his own world to notice me trying to casually clean myself. We ended the session with him on his back and me fucking him missionary style. From this position he was able to take care of himself at the same time, while I did my best not to let him know how much this was turning me on....
.... And that was the one and only time I had ever used a strap-on. I don’t think I could do that with a guy I was dating because I think part of the power trip for me was that whole humiliation thing going on. After you fuck a guy in the ass, I doubt you could look at him the same ever again.
I think its more than a little sad that she
1) associates consensual penetration with humiliation
2) has trouble accepting that she found the experience arousing
3) doesn't respect men who allow themselves to be penetrated
As a pegging and power play enthusiast, I would just like to point out that the person "receiving" is the one being pleasured and, if the encounter is what it should be, controlling the speed and duration of the act in question. Thus, I would say that although the one "giving" might be in a more dominant position, the person "receiving" is the one who ultimately calls the shots.
In other words, when I strap on and pound away at him, it's him moaning and enjoying it in a physical sense, not me. I get mental gratification from it, but it's more a "mmm, he likes what I do" rather than an "oh god that feels soooo good." I honestly feel more powerful when he's pleasuring me with his fingers, hands, and penis than when I'm playing with his rear.
I have power during sex because 1) I am a dominant woman at times, 2) I have an open and healthy sexual relationship with my partner and 3) I can cum and cum and cum like a train. Why is it that we never look at receiving, submitting or being penetrated as having power? I think it takes great strength to submit, confidence to receive and the capacity of the vagina for orgasm is incredible.
We need to redefine power. Sometimes power is not about winning, dominating, forcing or the like. Sometimes power is in forgiveness, kindness, acceptance, the ability to change.
This all goes back to the tendency in our culture to fixate on things like sexualized power and a hierarchy in sexuality. Why is it not equal for males and females to have intercourse? Are they both not getting pleasure from it? Why does one person have to be on top, the other on bottom, etc. I suppose that has something to do with how we talk about sex.
I think your partner, the one who wants to be "pegged," has a certain amount of power in this situation because 1) doing it correctly he is very much in control of the depth of penetration, etc and 2) he has had the courage to talk about his desires. I can't wait for the day when anal play with males (not just females) is part of the average fare for the sexual diet. :)
First, I think there is nothing wrong with "power" or with playing with power. Sometimes in feminist circles we can start to sound as though "power" is inherently bad/oppressive, yet at the same time tout "empowerment" as a goal. The truth is that power, and even power differentials, can be healthy and emPOWERing for everyone involved if they are mutually negotiated, consensual, and have defined limits.
Additionally, I don't believe that there is any inherent "power valence" to any particular sexual act. Penetration can be an exertion/demonstration of "power," but it doesn't have to be. In fact, it can be the other way around, depending on the mindset, energy, body language, and other communications between partners. So if using a strap-on is a power rush for you, and your partner is down with that, go to town; but it doesn't have to be about that if you don't want it to.
A lot of times, when I'm getting ready to have (hetero)sex with my partner, instead of saying something like, "Fuck me", I'll say instead, "Let me put my vagina on your penis". My partner is not only turned on by this, but it is accurately describing what's being done.
Whether I'm on top to pleasure myself, or bringing him to orgasm, I'm the one on top, esentially dominating the speed, depth, and angle.
We've found that we can have different types of orgasms when the one receiving pleasure switches between being the driving factor of their own orgasm, or letting go of some control and letting the other person get them off.
As long as it's consentual and enjoyable, it's okay to switch up the power play sometimes. By dominating someone (ie calling the shots on what's happing right then), you don't have to be disempowering them. If it's consentual, they are choosing to be more submissive - which can be empowering in itself (I think there was another post on here about that recently.)
Good luck to trying something new with your boyfriend. It's a great start that you're able to talk openly and honestly about it, and I hope you have a good time when you do decide to try it out.
With how much most men fear being called homosexual, how much do you guys think that blackmail could affect this power struggle. Do you think that it may come to that if a relationship did not work out? I think there are many different ways to attack the power struggle in relationships. I think this should be one of the last resorts. What do you guys think?
Men give their sperm to us. Their sperm is among the most precious things they have, from a purely biological perspective. I feel totally empowered. And even though women mostly massacre these wonderful little gifts of sperm, it's the thought that counts. And geez, women can cum 10 times while the guy gets one shot, maybe two. Damn, I feel like Queen of the Frickin' Universe!
I think I would not enjoy ramming my guy in the ass. I would be afraid I would hurt him. I am trying to imagine, but I just cannot get the power trip part. Maybe you have to do it to understand? My last beau had never done anal, and neither had I (successfully), so we tried it (on me, not him). He had a small penis so it was actually nice. However, after 2-3 times, he never wanted to do it again. Each time I'd try, he'd say my V (we had a nickname for my vagina) was just so much better. Also, he was a scientist and didn't want to have to deal with all the bacteria and washing of things between anal and any other sex act. We never had anal sex again, which was not an issue for me because we had really amazing sex and we were more into erotic talk, which is a huge turn-on. The thought of me doing him was a joke between us because he had hemorrhoids since college and would have probably died. Just the thought of a finger near his ass made him cringe. Another boyfriend was repulsed by poo and could never figure out why people would want anal sex. My first boyfriend (when I was college) tried anal with me, but it hurt like hell so I got really pissed off at him and literally wanted to chop his dick off. (Kidding, but I was really angry because he didn't stop when I said I couldn't take it and I was in serious pain for a week.)
It would be difficult for a guy to get over the homosexual feeling, but I think a lot of men probably want to have the experience simply because it is taboo.
I go by what my male friend advised me once: "If your partner wants you to do anal, s/he better be damn well ready to do it her/himself." In my mind, if I am having a butt-romp with my partner, I need to be willing to try it myself. I feel like that dispels at least some potentially existing "power" issues.
There are different perspectives for anal sex, and it is irrelevant to look at all cases from one perspective. Most women view strapon sex with men as a form of humiliation for him, but not most feel so. Is it because the woman is shy of sex that she sees pegging as a form of humiliation? Does she has this feeling herself when she is penetrated, and that's why she thinks so for anyone who is penetrated?
Yes and no.
Most of our views of anal sex emerge from the taboos. This is how traditionally anal sex was seen, and when a person goes for it, he/she would think so because the environment around him/her "forces" that feeling.
It is more natural for the man to love strap on sex because the anus is part of his body. So, I see nothing wrong with it except the traditional view. If strap on sex humiliates the man, it does much more for the woman because the strap on is "not" part of her body.
I do not mean that strap on sex is wrong, but I just mean that if we take this standard, then we must apply it to both.
In short, I find strap on sex very normal for those who have open mind about it, and very strange for the others. So, a woman should not go for it unless she really loves it and her man does too. Likewise, the man should not go for strapon sex with his woman unless she really loves it. Otherwise, we would give a bad meaning for strapon sex, other that what the persons themselves who are involved in it, want.
As today sexuality is being freed, this is not only for the woman, but also for the man. We should not exclude this option from our reasoning. Even though the woman does not have a real dick, she may love to be the penetrator. And even though the man has a real dick, he loves also to be pleased through his anus.
Domination and submission have nothing to do with strap on sex, except in bed only. The only reason why most people mix between domination and strapon sex is because of the traditional view of sex, whereby sex was, and somewhat still is, something the woman feels shy to freely live.