I'm watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC right now. I often watch this show and a lot of others on TLC because they give me insight to worlds that I just would never see for myself, such as people spending $30,000 on big white dresses, sexist fathers of 18 children, babies in beauty pageants, etc. So I'm going to kind of refer Rebecca Mead's book One Perfect Day here as I comment on Say Yes to the Dress.
One thing that I absolutely hate about this "world" at Kleinfeld is that they CONSTANTLY refer to the wedding day as "the most important day of a woman's life."
First it makes no sense for anyone to assume a wedding day is the most important day of a woman's life. The majority of women-and men-have already had so many important days before they get married. God only knows- their first school play, scoring the winning goal, their PhD defense...the list goes on. Plus, even if one considers their relationship to be the most important thing in their life, the wedding wouldn't be the most important day, the day they met - or even the day they DECIDED to get married - would be.
Of course, I understand why Kleinfeld keeps repeating that the wedding is the most important day of a woman's life: because no one in their right mind would buy a dress that costs more than their car and go into years of debt for it, if they didn't believe it was the most important day of their lives, and appropriate attire is required.
I love dresses, I think they can really be art. But the mark up on a dress that is simply labeled as "wedding" is ridiculous. In Mead's book there is a significant chapter about her travel to china to see how wedding dresses are actually made. All but the most expensive dresses are mass-produced in China for a few dollars, and the women that make them live in crowded dorms and are paid in cents, not dollars for their 12-hour shifts.
Yet somehow, businesses like Kleinfeld - anyone who sells wedding services really - are able to convince women that if they don't spend a semester's tuition on a wedding dress, they are doing something wrong. And I really don't blame the industry- instead I wonder how so many women in our culture have let themselves fall into this mindset, probably without even knowing it.
When people speak of wedding dresses- exhibited about every 10 seconds on Say Yes to the Dress- they speak of falling "in love" with it. I don't really know how to articulate it, but I think it is so...weird...that the dress is refered to with the same heteronormative language as the event that it's suppose to represent- the event that is supposed to be the MOST IMPORTANT EVENT THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN TO YOU. A *DRESS* is spoken of in the same language...
Another thing that strikes me from watching Say Yes, having not spent a lot of time looking at wedding dresses personally: wedding dresses really put the "norm" in heteronormative. Almost every customer they show claims to want something "different" but they almost all look the same. Any request for something other than the same white gown over and over again, seems to be discouraged by both the Kleinfeld staff and the show itself. I saw an episode recently where a woman wanted something that was a different color or had another color in it, and the reaction from the cosultant was ridiculous. Tonight they are advertising next week's show:
-a bride wants a red dress. the voice over says "and as if that request isn't odd enough..."
-cut to a gay male trying on a wedding gown.
Ok, how is wanting a red dress "odd"? Red is nice. I have two red cocktail dresses myself. Many cultures traditionally use red as the wedding dress color. Plus, if the idea is to "stand out" and be the center of attention at the wedding, red would be a good way to go. Plus, red is sexy, which I'm sorry seems to be a more accurate symbol of something that is supposed to be a sexual union...unlike the association of white and "purity."
And I don't think I have to really say anything about how they refer to the man in the gown as "odd." Actually I'd be pretty surprised if this was really the first time they had seen this at Kleinfeld.
So the point: In "saying yes to the dress" what are you really saying yes to?
-being reduced to a "bride," with all other important days of your life losing their importance?
-being taken advantage of by a business that has convinced you to pay an amount of money for something that would seem ridiculous in any other situation?
-taking advantage of sweat shop workers in china?
-being lumped together with all other brides, down to wearing the same color as millions of other women, and being called "odd" for thinking of doing otherwise? Giving up your identity?
Anyway, thoughts?
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Although I agree with most of what you're saying, I'm going to be a dick and point out the fact that a red dress is in fact very odd, as is a male in a wedding dress... Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I think "different" would be a better word than "odd" though. It's different from the norm to want a red wedding dress. It's different from the norm to see a man wearing a wedding dress. But "odd" carries a judgment with it.
*shrug* difference of opinion then, I really don't see 'odd' as a pejorative... and couldn't you see the exact same reaction had another word been used? People can be so touchy with sexism racism that merely pointing out a difference can easily be viewed as malign regardless as intent.
TLDR... It might not be calling it odd, but pointing out a difference at all.
Well, in India and amongst the Indian diaspora, probably one of the most populous groups in the world, red is the traditional color for wedding outfits, as it symbolizes fertility and good luck. Nowadays, Indian women wear all kinds of colors for their wedding outfits and it's no big deal in the wedding-centric Indian social culture. "Odd" is anything that's not American or European, I guess.
Thanks for writing this.
I got married last June, and everyone kept telling me that it was going to be "the happiest day of my life". honestly, it was a great day, but by the time i got dressed and down to the place we had the ceremony, i was ready for it to be over with, and when i saw my fiance, i could tell by the look on his face that he was too.
we agreed later that the best part of the wedding was when it was over, and we sat in a giant hottub drinking champagne and watching tv, lol.
I think if i had it to do over, i'd just take all the money (we paid for everything, no our parents) and go to Europe or Vegas, but I got caught up in the hype, like a lot of women do. Oh well, i was a great day...i just don't know if it was my greatest.
I've never understood the need for a huge, expensive wedding. I eloped to the county courthouse in a $60 white dress (I felt a need for some aspect of tradition), and I was totally content with that.
Sometimes my husband laments that we didn't have a big shindig, and hopes to convince me to someday have something bigger.
Perhaps I'm just not a romantic? I couldn't fathom spending thousands on a dress, when the $60 winter formal dress appealed to me far more than the poufy overworked dresses in the catalogs I looked at.
I agree with what you said. I believe that maybe the reason a great deal of women get caught up in the wedding frenzy is because weddings are marketed as something that increases a woman's worth.. much like engagement rings. The bigger the wedding, the bigger the love, or something like that. I suppose they are trying to say that if you truly value yourself, you will have a great big wedding with expensive accessories. Or if your SO loves you, the ring should be bigger.. So with that I can understand why some people prefer the more expensive wedding dresses/larger receptions and so on. Yet, it is still just another example of how materialistic things = woman's worth.
I don't think that the phrase "falling in love" is heteronormative, like you say in the 7th paragraph.
Funny you posted this, just last night I caught the tail end of a "Platinum Weddings" episode, about people who spend a half million dollar on their wedding. FOR ONE DAY OF THEIR LIVES! We still, as a society, embrace the idea that getting married is the highest goal a woman can reach for (b/c honestly, it's still thought of as something the brides care about and plan, and the groom just shows up). She's won the game. And it's frustrating because it's so hard to opt out of it and we've convinced people that, just because something is for a wedding, it has to look a certain way and cost a shit ton of money. Seriously - look at the woman who wants a red dress. Why not just go to a store and buy a red dress, without saying it's for a wedding? The minute you inject the word wedding there's all these judgments and pressures, that disproportionately fall on the bride.
this is really my point- all of this stuff is about the woman, really. The businesses that market all of this as the "most important/happiest day" etc. target women. It's women that have, fallen into the trappings. And it seems to have gotten worse over time, not better. I don't understand it.
Does it strike anyone else that calling your wedding day "the happiest day of your life" is a bit... depressing?
Like, it's all down hill from here on in!
lol, Yes.
I think there's more stress involved in planning for married life than in married life itself. You have to figure out if you're going to have kids, how you're going to have them, and how many you're going to have. You have to figure out what you're going to do with your families on all the major holidays. You might have to figure out how you're going to join your finances. In comparison to all the things I just mentioned, it seems very silly to make the dress out to be the most important thing.
We went to Vegas, and my wedding dress was red (bought the dress online for under $500). We had a great time, and I wouldn't change anything. The chapel we were married at arranged everything, and all I did was show up in the dress. It's definitely the way to go. And much cheaper than a "traditional marriage" as well and that includes travel and hotel expenses.
I just watch the ads for these shows, shudder, and thank God that neither The Hubby or I are "traditional" is any way, shape, or form.