I encountered a REALLY tricky situation that I'm sure happens all the time. But this is my first post here on feministing and I thought this would be a good story to tell.
My 12 year old cousin was having her birthday at six flags this weekend. It took around 2 hours to get there, since we live in San Diego, and got really hyped up to see all these huge rollercoasters coming closer. It was a really hot day, and as we got out I went to the back of the van to get a water. My cousin brought two of her friends from catholic school, her little brother, her parents, and two family friends. As we were packing our stuff in the back, I was sipping on my water when I glanced over to see my cousin and her friends huddled together snickering. I walked over and heard one saying "that's SO gross!!" I looked around and saw that the car next to us had a group of young men, probably 24 or younger. They were stretching and looking ready to have a fun day at the park, and two of the men embraced each other and shared a (in my opinion, very sweet) kiss. My other little cousin, her brother, who is around 7, was astounded. Suddenly, I heard their father say "
That's DISGUSTING!!" and their mom going "Those must be those Prop 8 people. Yes on prop 8 people." I rolled my eyes at her as she looked rather stupified (thinking to hard for her, I suppose) and her friend said "You mean No on Prop 8." She said "Oh, yah, they are the No. We are the Yes. Yes on prop 8!" she said triumphantly. My jaw dropped. I had NO IDEA these family members OF MINE were homophobes! I spent half a year in San Francisco and supported gay rights for as long as I could remember. I couldn't believe these people I was with were spewing hatred that I've been fighting so hard against for years! I said "So what, their just people!" (trying not to start anything as we were about to go into the park) And their father kept saying "That's nasty, that IS NOT ALRIGHT."
And they mom kept saying "I don't want my children to see that nasty stuff!"What was worse was my little cousin, MY SWEET KIND HEARTED LITTLE COUSIN, saying "That's GROSS! Their bad!" and her friends going "I ain't no lesbian! Jesus is my bff" And as we were walking in the park, my little cousin said to her friends "See, that couple is OK" as she pointed to a young straight couple holding hands. I quickly (lightly) pinched her shoulder and said "Don't say that--" and she said "Ok" genuinely saddened that her "big sister" (me) was disappointed in her. It bugged me the rest of my time in six flags that blantant intolerance of my family. I grew up with loving parents who told me to "judge people for what they DO, not WHO THEY ARE" and grew up with a ton of diverse people. Intolerance that I heard that day I never tolerate.
So towards nightfall, when we were walking to the bathrooms, just me and my cousin, I said "Look. I know your parents are conservative. But don't judge people just because of their sexual preferance. Gay people are NO DIFFERENT from any of us, and shouldn't be looked at differently or hated against. God placed them here to test OUR TOLERANCE, and although your parents are failing in that department, I want you to love gay people the same way you love anyone else. They are human beings and should be treated like human beings. Wouldn't you rather have two men expressing their love for each other rather then two men killing each other? We need more love in this world, no matter what kind. And as my little cousin, I expect you to be a kind, compassionate, tolerant, exceptional person just as you are. So please think about that whenever you hear someone spewing hatred to anyone just for how they were born." She nodded, and mumbled something like "Sometimes my friends annoy me..." At that point, I really didn't care if she tattled on me, because I will stand up for the rights of a human being, gay straight, bi, thai, any day!
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That's awesome. It's great your cousin has such a good role model. I'm waiting for the day I need to tell one of my little cousins that it's okay to be gay... his dad isn't conservative, but he's a huge homophobe...not to mention a huge misogynist. : (
"God placed them here to test OUR TOLERANCE"
Good to know. For a while there I was just living for myself, but now I understand that I'm only alive to teach you straight folk how to be more tolerant.
She's just trying to explain why homosexuality is okay in terms that a child from a religious conservative family will understand, not trying to say that gay people are just tools for straight people. Get over it.
Except that it still paints homosexuality as something aberrant, something merely to be tolerated by godly people. Stopping at "shouldn't be hated" would have kept it positive-to-neutral, and if religious arguments had to be brought in, the OP could have spoken about how Jesus' true message was one of love, not judging.
I give the OP props for speaking up, because I know how hard it can be to try to mentor young family members in the face of their parents' bigotry, but I, too, was troubled by the "test our tolerance" bit.
I probably shouldn't have phrased my post the way I did, and I apologize for that. But I think I am valid in my opposition to the OP's phrasing.
Thank you for being conscientious. I still think the OP was valid in trying to make the issue accessible to the child, but I can see how you would be offended by the phrasing. Sorry for being rude :P
I agree with Stephanie.
It is likely that this woman's upbringing consisted largely of hearing mundane, everyday events couched as "God did X, Y and Z for us." She may well understand this self-centered language as metaphor, but it is understandable that, by default, she would use similar language when imparting lessons to others, particularly to young relatives.
Um, no I didn't grow up hearing mundane language, but thanks for assuming and judging so harshly on me with a simple story.
I was paraphrasing, and talking to a child. But I think Im going to stop posting on this website and let my little cousin continue her spews of hatred. It's her right, I guess? Right? If that's what you wanted me to do?
Yeah, what Stephanie1989 said, minus the "Get over it" part.
seriously? you're criticizing someone for standing up for YOUR rights? What a douche. Way to play the victim.
Funny that they got mad about that at Six Flags of all places. Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, CA is known for being full of making-out and groping teenagers. I've seen some serious dry humping and stuff while spending a day at the park. What's one kiss? Yeesh. If they're too socially conservative to handle PDA, they should go to Disneyland or something instead.
I'm not sure Disney is the place for Conservatives. I believe they were boycotted by Christian groups for giving health benefits to same-sex partners and allowing gay weddings in their parks.
Haha. Not only that, some uber-Christian groups boycotted "The Princess Diaries 2" because it "promoted the gay agenda." The only time it even MENTIONED gay people (that I noted, anyway) was when Mia was looking for a future husband. (She saw one guy's picture, said something like "He's cute," and Joe replied, "Yes, his boyfriend thinks so, too.") Seriously? Admitting that gay people exist is promoting the gay agenda?
Good for you! Standing up against family members is hugely difficult. The wording could have been a bit better, but I'm sure your cousin got the message. Its nice that she has a such a good role model who speaks her mind even in opposition to her family.
I think it was brave to stand up to your family, but now that other commenters point it out I see that the phrasing wasn't so great. It would probably be a good idea to try to make some other time to have a longer talk about the issue and try to get to some other aspects of it besides "testing our tolerance." Maybe you can give her some books with gay characters or something. But there's always the issue of getting her parents mad at you...
I know how hard it can be to come from an intolerant family. Good for you for speaking up.
crisscross,
I am to you as your family is to mine. And I know how hard it can be to stand up against those bigots we love. Bless you.
I did have to chuckle about the testing Christian's tolerance part thought--so THAT'S why God gayed me up. Check.
crisscross,
I am to you as your family is to mine. And I know how hard it can be to stand up against those bigots we love. Bless you.
I did have to chuckle about the testing Christian's tolerance part though--so THAT'S why God gayed me up. Check.
I think that's very brave of you to stand up for your beliefs like that. I'm not even going to get on the phrasing bandwagon because I think it detracts from your original message which was quite obviously how important TOLERANCE is.
If it was me, I would have asked them why the straight couple was okay, but the queer couples weren't. I find forcing people to question their own views is often more effective than shoving your own down their throats ;)
I hate being in situations like that and it happens a lot in my immediate family so I can totally empathise.
Wow. I admire you for your patience. Personally, I would have told the mother and father off in no uncertain terms, and would happily would have gotten some other transportation home. I can't be around those people. I just can NOT.
I absolutely love you for standing up for homosexuals and reaching out to children who, otherwise, would grow up to be homophobes because they don't know any better.
Sometimes, we get caught up too much in our legislative victories and forget that these teachable moments are also something to be celebrated about. Proposition 8 might have been a step backward for gay couples everywhere, but your action might have just changed the minds of some very impressionable children on an issue that, no doubt, we as feminists and LGBT allies need more support on.
Kudos again!